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Original poster

3 1/2 years and haven't met my boyfriend's son

34 replies

wapping1 · 23/04/2015 00:30

Hi all,

I am in my mid-40s and have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. I have a son who is 10 years old, his son is 12. I love my boyfriend and have a great time with him. However, he doesn't want to introduce me to his son, who is currently at boarding school.

My boyfriend has known my son since he was six years old. They see each other occasionally, although, because my boyfriend has a high-conflict relationship with his son's mother (who he was divorced from six years ago), he doesn't like impacting on my time with my son. So we rarely meet up when I'm in parenting mode.

Most of the time I don't mind this as I work full time so, when I'm with my son, I enjoy just hanging out. However, I would love to feel like I have a relationship with both of them at the same time. I would like my boyfriend to stay over sometimes - which he won't do. My son certainly wouldn't mind this - in fact he would welcome it as I think he realises that it's my boyfriend, or him - never both together: This is my boyfriend's choice, not mine.

Ultimately, I would like the four of us to have a life together. My son, who is an only child, would love to meet my boyfriend's son. However, my partner's high-conflict relationship with his ex-wife and the fact that he doesn't see his son very much (because of school) means that this doesn't seem like a possibility. He says that I should wait and be patient but has said that it could be years before he is prepared for me to meet his son, because when he sees him, he doesn't want any distractions.

I know my boyfriend's sister and mum although he doesn't involve me too much in family activities in case his nieces and nephews find out about our relationship and pass on this information, to his son.

I am getting more and more upset about this situation and I have frequent rows with my boyfriend about it, which is a shame as, otherwise, we get on well. I try to empathise with his situation but I just feel that my son and I are marginalised in his life and it chips away at my self confidence.

Should I get out?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/04/2015 00:41

I think this is quite a difficult one. But you're obviously not happy with this situation and it's understandable after 3 and a half years. I think I could just about accept the not meeting his son for the time being but he is being very unreasonable IMHO in refusing to stay at your house. I think I would certainly be thinking along the lines do I want to carry on for the next five or ten years like this and if the answer is no then you have to tell him that you really can't accept things as they are and some changes are going to have to take place. Try and avoid it becoming a row it's just a fact. Why should you be unahppy like this. Hope things work out.

Akire · 23/04/2015 00:58

I don't understand why I previous bad marriage means that 3y in you can't do normal couple things together like staying over. If you don't spend any time together you both and your son that's just odd! Never a pizza and DVD? Never a walk around the shops and a burger out? Maybe he's jelous that he can't spend time with his son so dosnt want his son to feel he's with yours but...that would make the relationship feel very flimsy. I'm
Not saying you want him to move in or get married but does sound very stand off-ish.
I would be tempted to say he's still married if it wasn't the fact you know he's family. Lots of children see divorced parents settle down or remarry I can't see why it's such s big secret that six years after divorce, he is.
Would make me feel very uneasy and not settled at all. How can you plan when he didn't want to share your family life or include you in his.

Norest · 23/04/2015 01:11

Does your boyfriend ever stay over at your house overnight? Do you stay with him? How often do you spend time with your boyfriend without your son there?

passthewineplz · 23/04/2015 01:34

I understand that you love your BF, however 3.5 years is a very long time to not even have met his son.

Also the fact that he's not including you in his family life, and doesn't want any involvement with your son rings alarm bells.

From what you've written your BF sounds like he's not as commited to your relationship as much as you are.

I think you need to talk to him and let him know your feelings, and that you want the relationship to progress. If he doesn't you need to walk away, unless you're happy to simply plod along.

lunalelle · 23/04/2015 02:03

I would personally get out. It rings alarm bells that he has a 'high conflict' situation with a woman he is six years divorced from. Also that he is indirectly punishing you for this. He is affecting your self-esteem by behaving as if you are not good enough. All this strongly suggests that it is just an excuse to stop your relationship from progressing further.

Basically, I think he does not want a serious relationship with you.

Twinklestein · 23/04/2015 11:47

There are two issues here: one that he doesn't want to commit and be in this relationship full time, and two that he doesn't want you involved with his son.

He is simply using his son as an excuse not to get involved with you further.

He is not offering you the kind of relationship you want. You have waited a long time, you've been very patient, nothing has changed so it's time to call it a day.

Quitelikely · 23/04/2015 11:55

Six years divorced and he doesn't want his wife to find out he has a partner?

Seems very odd to me. Call his bluff.

cozietoesie · 23/04/2015 11:58

You're only a 'distraction' to him? Oh Boy.

I'd be calling it a day, I think.

PerspicaciaTick · 23/04/2015 12:02

The oddest thing is that you are still a secret after 3.5years. It's not just that there hasn't been an appropriate time for you to meet his DS, but that his DS doesn't know you exist and your DP is actively trying to hide your existence from him.

In "several years" his Ds is going to be an adult. Is your DP telling you that you will likely only meet his son once he is an adult?

I'm not sure I could be in a relationship with someone who refused to engage in family life (with mine or his family's) as a couple.

mrssnodge · 23/04/2015 12:21

I think there are secrets somewhere and he is lying to you- Sorry OP- but I would be calling time on this one- find someone who doesn't consider you or your son to be a 'secret' .

hidingfromthem · 23/04/2015 12:27

what a rubbish set-up.
this man is waaaaay too much hard work.
what's he hiding?
is he ashamed of being seen with you?
are you sure he's actually divorced?
it sounds like he doesn't love you but you'll 'do' for the time being.
he's a tyre-kicker.
i'd move on.

Annarose2014 · 23/04/2015 12:30

I do think its too long, but you could always rationalise not meeting the son given he is at boarding school and his free time is at something of a premium.

However there's no rationale that I can see for keeping your very existence from a 12 year old who was 6 when his parents split up.

This is very advanced compartmentalisation. He has his girlfriend over here, and his son over there, and everything is fine as long as nobody muddies the waters. He has plenty of excuses for it, and plainly some are plausible enough, but make no mistake he's doing this for HIMSELF, not for his son.

The only reason I can think of is that if you two were to split up, he wouldn't fancy having to explain to his so where you had suddenly disappeared to.
He has one foot subconsciously out the door, sorry.

MatildaTheCat · 23/04/2015 12:57

Without wanting to sound flippant this reminds me do the Charles and Camilla situation after he was divorced except he is even more secretive. He sounds terrified of his ex wife and losing his son and has compensated by allowing himself a partial relationship with you whilst keeping the crumbs of his relationship with his son.

He may also feel jealous and resentful of your doing ordinary stuff with your ds and cannot bring himself to be a part of that.

Whatever the psychology of it I cannot see this changing for a very long time. If you cannot carry on like this then tell him so but be prepared for him to walk away if you do.

Sorry,mit sounds a very hard situation. Just the wrong time for him, I suspect though why he is denying himself the chance of happiness is very strange. I really do suspect his ex has some kind of power over him that terrifies him.

popalot · 23/04/2015 13:02

Something doesn't add up here...how do you know about the ex wife issue? And the son at boarding school? Have you seen any proof that this is the case? And why does he not want to spend time with you and son as a family? Sorry, my mind immediately jumped to suspicions tho I could have read it all wrong...

CheersMedea · 23/04/2015 14:17

Ditto to popalot

Are you really sure he is divorced/separated?

Do his mother/sister etc know about your relationship? Or were you just introduced as a friend?

gamerchick · 23/04/2015 14:23

I think have all the fun you want with the one but don't expect a long term future as a family.

The longer you spend being a secret... Almost like being the other woman then the less opportunity you have to be somebody's everything who is proud to have you on his arm no matter who knows.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 23/04/2015 14:28

Have you spent time at his house? Stayed over? Has he ever stayed at yours?

googoodolly · 23/04/2015 15:10

Are you sure he's divorced, OP?

It sounds to me like he's still with his wife, which is why you've never met his son and why he never stays over - he lives with his family.

CheersMedea · 23/04/2015 15:47

Have you spent time at his house? Stayed over? Has he ever stayed at yours?

This is no test. Plenty of families have two or more houses, especially if the husband works away from home.

A better test is interaction with family and large numbers of friends openly. A few close friends may be "in on" an affair and be prepared to engage/cover. Wider group of friends/parents/siblings less so.

mynewpassion · 23/04/2015 15:49

Sounds more like a rich man's booty call that is out of a Mills and Boon book.

Jan45 · 23/04/2015 15:53

He either commits to you, and that includes being part of your son's life and vice versa or he doesn't, ultimatum time, no wonder you are feeling shit, there's no need, unless of course he is either hiding something or is using it as an excuse to not be serious with you.

florentina1 · 23/04/2015 16:16

I really feel that you should stay with this relationship and accept its limititations. Have you asked yourself what would happen if you try to force the issue. Why are you wasting time arguing about this when your boyfriend has a much deeper understanding of his son than you could ever have.

I have a helicopter view of a similar situation. The fragility of those involved means that the all the adults have to put others needs before their own.

I think you have nothing to gain, and you and your son, have everything to lose.

Joysmum · 23/04/2015 16:21

I really feel that you should stay with this relationship and accept its limititations. Have you asked yourself what would happen if you try to force the issue

If the relationship is right then it'll end and both will be free to hopefully find the right person, rather than investing even more in the wrong one and foregoing that chance.

Jan45 · 23/04/2015 16:31

Florentina, that is the weirdest reply I've read on here, why do you think that?

All relationships have to move on for us to feel we are progressing, restricting that is really damaging.

florentina1 · 23/04/2015 17:50

I will try to explain my reasons.

Not many relationships are perfect. OP has not implied that here are any other problems beside this one. She has not said that her boyfriend is selfish in any other area. Her son really likes him, which indicates that he is a good man.

When I spoke of a helicopter view of a similar situation, this is where the original couple have been apart 11 years. Despite that the mother still is able to call the shots. The second wife puts up,with it because there are two very sensitive young teens involved.

Of course it may be that it is too much for OP to bear, and many of you have said your would not stand for it. I can understand that. Nobody wants to be second in their partners life.

She posted on here to ask whether anyone else would stand for it. I posted a personal opinion that I would, if I loved him enough. She has a son of her own, and might be grateful if her ex gave this much consideration to their child. His child is apart from his Father, and he may have to eventually accept that there is not only another woman in his Father's life but also another child. Clearly the Boyfriend, does not feel that now is the right time for him to have that information.

They have come to a point where one of the them is going to have to compromise or they will part.