3 1/2 years and haven't met my boyfriend's son

[wapping1]

Hi all,

I am in my mid-40s and have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. I have a son who is 10 years old, his son is 12. I love my boyfriend and have a great time with him. However, he doesn't want to introduce me to his son, who is currently at boarding school.

My boyfriend has known my son since he was six years old. They see each other occasionally, although, because my boyfriend has a high-conflict relationship with his son's mother (who he was divorced from six years ago), he doesn't like impacting on my time with my son. So we rarely meet up when I'm in parenting mode.

Most of the time I don't mind this as I work full time so, when I'm with my son, I enjoy just hanging out. However, I would love to feel like I have a relationship with both of them at the same time. I would like my boyfriend to stay over sometimes - which he won't do. My son certainly wouldn't mind this - in fact he would welcome it as I think he realises that it's my boyfriend, or him - never both together: This is my boyfriend's choice, not mine.

Ultimately, I would like the four of us to have a life together. My son, who is an only child, would love to meet my boyfriend's son. However, my partner's high-conflict relationship with his ex-wife and the fact that he doesn't see his son very much (because of school) means that this doesn't seem like a possibility. He says that I should wait and be patient but has said that it could be years before he is prepared for me to meet his son, because when he sees him, he doesn't want any distractions.

I know my boyfriend's sister and mum although he doesn't involve me too much in family activities in case his nieces and nephews find out about our relationship and pass on this information, to his son.

I am getting more and more upset about this situation and I have frequent rows with my boyfriend about it, which is a shame as, otherwise, we get on well. I try to empathise with his situation but I just feel that my son and I are marginalised in his life and it chips away at my self confidence.

Should I get out?

I had similar with an ex. I was with him for 5 years. He didn't tell his ex wife about us. I met his family in the last 18 months but was never invited to family gatherings, his friends' weddings, etc. He had two sons that I never met.

We'd spend time together when he wasn't with his sons, stay over each other's houses, but I was never allowed to integrate into his life fully.

He said it was because his family had had bad experiences with his brother's girlfriend who met his brother's kids and then caused loads of upset.

I got fed up in the end. 5 years was too long to have invested in a relationship going nowhere. There was no chance of us moving in without me meeting his kids and I was fed up of being a secret. I also found out he was messaging other women asking them for dates! I finished it.

He then got together with one of the women he had been messaging, and she was introduced to his kids within 6 months.

I'm better off without the bastard, and so would you be.

The problem is it's hard to get serious with someone without being part of such an important part of their life. So you are always in a limbo, feel compartmentalised, and it's not conducive to a closer bond between you both.

And it's pretty hard on the self-esteem (speaking from experience).

He then got together with one of the women he had been messaging, and she was introduced to his kids within 6 months.

I think this is the crux of the issue.

People like florentina can self justify all they like but when you drill it right down, you know that if you really like someone and care about them YOU want them to be a part of your life.

If someone is not treating you like that, there is a reason. And it is not a good one.

I accept that people may want to be sure of a relationship before introducing a child into it - but 3 and a half years is waaaaaaaaaay past that point.

The reason OP is finding it difficult is because she knows in her heart it is reflective of her partner's view of her.

I agree that the "he leaves her for a new woman who he marries in 5 minutes and is integrated into his whole life" scenario is highly possible.

I find it very strange the levels of unacceptability tolerated under the banner of 'no relationship is perfect'.

Of course no relationship is perfect but most people get to the point of meeting the partner's key family members. If not, I'd suggest you're only half in a relationship.

And no, it doesn't come down to how much you love the man, but how much crap you're prepared to tolerate.

My ex has been seeing someone for over 8 years (she is the reason our marriage ended) He denies to our children that he is still seeing her - although he clearly is as her car is often at his house. He even took our children on holiday and she went too separately (they weren't supposed to know she was there but her name was put on their table for dinner at the hotel - and he kept saying he was ill and staying in his room).
My ex is possibly telling her all sorts of reasons why they can't meet. It certainly has nothing to do with me. I think the reason he has not introduced her to the children is that he is seeing more than one woman (I know this is the case). My children are not really interested in meeting his girlfriend/friends. However, if I was his girlfriend I would think that it was very odd and would be upset that he didn't think I should be involved in all parts of his life.

OP here. Thanks for all your responses.

He has commitment issues and using all this as an excuse. Time to move on!