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Original poster

beyond repair?

45 replies

PicachoosMamma · 22/04/2015 22:34

Hi everyone
I'm new here, really need some advice & opinions on my situation which has today come to a head.
I've been with my husband for 18 years & we have a 4 year old daughter. Things have deteriorated between us since she was born, he basically moved into the couch once I brought her home from hospital & has slept there ever since. We don't spend time together as a couple & don't have sex or be very affectionate with each other. We just seem to live alongside each other.
We are by no means best friends but not are we worst enemies. However recently when we've argued over things, he's been thretening to leave, and the last few times he's said it in front of our daughter. Tonight I have had to console her for hours as she is so upset that her Daddy has again said he's leaving. Only 2 weeks ago he said it in front of her, then promised her he was "only joking"
I'm so mad with him this time as I know he's only saying it & won't go anywhere! But tonight he broke my daughter's heart & I hate him for it. It's one thing saying it to try & hurt me or spark a reaction, but to say it in front of her is unforgivable.
I'm close to ending it because I do t want to go on like this, but then I feel like I'm the one who's going to break my daughter's heart by breaking the family up.
To make things worse we go on holiday on Monday otherwise I'd have told him to go tonight.
I can't see a way back from this at all anymore but hate the thought of a split family for my daughter.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/04/2015 22:39

Best to get your daughter's heart "broken" in one kinder swoop than killing it with a thousand cuts

Tell your ridiculous husband he has threatened you once too often and now you are taking him up on it. Your daughter will get over it, and live an emotionally more healthy life without witnessing her her father controlling her mother in this way

NotANaturalGeordie · 22/04/2015 22:41

What AnyFucker said

tribpot · 22/04/2015 22:43

Agreed. Your daughter needs, and deserves, to be protected from hearing these kinds of threats. Splitting will be far less damaging than have her growing up permanently afraid her dad is going to leave.

GoatsDoRoam · 22/04/2015 22:46

He's saying this in front of your daughter?

Yes it's beyond repair. He is a vile parent.

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2015 22:46

If you don't get rid of this man now, your daughter will learn the 'pick me' dance and will remember that right into adulthood. She deserves better. You deserve better.

Original poster
PicachoosMamma · 22/04/2015 23:01

Last time he said it in front of her she wasn't upset, but did say she didn't want daddy to get a new house & told my parents that daddy said he would be getting a new house.
Obviously my parents are now concerned & spoke to me about it, I then spoke to him & he was full of apologies to her, promising her he was "only joking" (So funny eh?)
Tonight she was so upset it was heart breaking. She's bawling her eyes out while he walks round shouting at me to never speak to him again & slamming doors.
Just to put things into perspective tonight's argument started because I said i wanted to adopt a cat. His response "was you get a fucking cat & I'm leaving"

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/04/2015 23:07

I'd go on the holiday without him tbh, give him a chance to pack and bugger off. It sounds likely a split is inevitable at some point, children seem to cope better the younger they are. It really would be kindest to all of you to do it sooner rather than later.

PatriciaHolm · 22/04/2015 23:08

Get the cat.

Lose the twat.

Squeegle · 22/04/2015 23:11

He sounds very rude to you, and uncaring. Reminds me of that quote you see on posters sometimes:

" my husband said it was me or the cat....
I miss him sometimes"

Not meaning to be flippant, but really, it's not good for him to be so rude to you and so hurtful to your daughter. You must be on tenterhooks. That's not a good place to be.....

Original poster
PicachoosMamma · 22/04/2015 23:31

Things have been shit for a long time.
He doesn't understand me & I don't think he really cares about hurting my feelings.
He'll come out with stuff like "oh I had the most amazing kebab/mixed grill/steak for tea last night" when I'm a vegetarian & passionate about animal rights.
The whole cat debate is a delicate issue too. My dear old cat died 18 months ago & 7 weeks ago I also had to say goodbye to one of my dogs who had cancer. I'm still greiving after losing them & thought offering a home to a rescue cat would help me. But he doesn't see any of this, only sees himself & the effect it would have on him - which is none as he doesn't do anything to help with the pets we have.
I feel like I'm on my own already in a lot of ways.
But then there's the holiday on Monday & I just don't know what to do. Go knowing upon our return it's time to say goodbye?
Go & try, yet again, to make failed promises that are broken minutes after being spoken?
Or sweep all the shit under the rug & plod on as we have for years until the next time, when it really will be the last time?

OP posts:
Original poster
PicachoosMamma · 22/04/2015 23:34

I know this is also so shit for my daughter because regardless of how I cope with the "I'm leaving" crap, she's 4 years old & when he says that she believes him. Its just fucking cruel.

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/04/2015 23:35

I'd be tempted to get through the holiday and then start the process of separation on your return. It's either that or cancel the holiday entirely. It won't be much fun so it may depend on how much your dd is looking forward to it?

Original poster
PicachoosMamma · 23/04/2015 00:03

She's looking forward to it very much.
I forgot to put in Op he also said, again in front of her "you can forget this holiday!"
So then she started crying & he gets all shouty with "I knew this happen I knew I'd get the blame & it'd be all my fault!"
It's like he's oblivious to what actually comes out of his mouth?!

I was talking to a friend at work yesterday & I mention in passing that during a discussing he'd told me to "shut the fuck up & fuck off" & my colleague was appalled. He said he wouldn't dare speak to his wife like that.
Thing is I never thought anything of it, just though at times everyone spoke to their partners like that Sad

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/04/2015 00:27

No they don't Shock

Squeegle · 23/04/2015 06:12

I think also that it is outrageous- no way to speak to anyone - never mind someone you allegedly "care" about.

In your shoes, and depending on what other options you have, I also might be tempted to go on holiday, but all the while you are making your plans for when the holiday is over.

He is pushing you too far with the cat thing and the talk of meat eating! He is testing you. My ex was like this, also talked to me in that way. One day I was out with a few people, including some couples. I noticed that none of them were like this with each other. None of them were walking on eggshells- only me! For some reason (maybe it came at the right time), my eyes were suddenly opened.

I realised this was no way to live. We have split up now. It is much much better, and our children don't live in that tense pressure cooker any more.

Sorry you are going through this
But honestly.... It's him, not you- you deserve better
Good luck Flowers

AnyFucker · 23/04/2015 06:30

I have never been spoken to like that by my husband, and I have never done it to him

People who love and respect each other don't do that

Rebecca2014 · 23/04/2015 06:36

He is verbally abusive and sounds like he as zero respect for you and has fallen out of love.

I don't think you can save this marriage. Get out for your own sake and for your poor daughter. Yes she may be upset at first but in the long run she be happier, believe me.

shewept · 23/04/2015 07:08

Op my parents were like this. Except it was mum that was always threatening to throw dad out and dad refusing point blank to go. Bit of a back story, but they split when I was younger and she stopped him from seeing us. When a few years later she let him see us they eventually got back together and Dad always said he would not loose us again. Mum has mh issues, which (in some ways) explain what she did

Anyway, I remember when they used to argue I would sneak around the house, lock all the doors and hide the keys. I was so afraid. It still upsets me now. Me and dh rarely argue. We disagree but don't argue. Purely based on that fact that I would not have my kids in that environment, not have them scared that they will wake up with one parent gone. Our marriage isn't perfect but dh knows all about my past and it upsets him. He doesn't want it for our kids either, he has seen the effect on me.

What I am trying to say is, this will affect your dd forever. The terror of having one parent leaving is awful. What mum didn't realise that when dad left the first time, it was devastating. But I was ok and got through it. What has left the most impact was having the threat of her throwing him out always hanging over us. Even to the point that when they were happy I couldn't enjoy it, as I knew it would hurt more when she said it again. Sometimes I just wished Dad had gone. He stayed for us, but I think I would have had a better childhood if he had gone but had lots of contact.

That's hard for me to say as they are very happy now. Only Dad seems to understand the impact it had. Mum thinks alls well that ends well.

Your dd will be upset if he goes. But she will be ok, it will happen and you will both cope and move on. But having this happening again and again will harm her more. It like pulling a plaster off. Best to get it over with instead of her living under a cloud of 'maybe this time is the time he goes'.

PandorasToyBox · 23/04/2015 09:37

You and your dd deserve much much more.

Really op do you want this situation for the rest of your life?

What is it teaching your dd?

The only realistic thing to do is to finish this 'relationship'.

I would not be going on holiday with him if I was in your situation.

Do not let this abusive man ruin your's and dd's lives.

pocketsaviour · 23/04/2015 10:15

Oh OP :( This is a terrible situation for you and your DD. Believe me she will be MUCH happier once she's not subjected to these idiotic and cruel threats any longer.

Re: the holiday - is it abroad, or in the UK? Would it be an option for you and DD to go alone and have some space from him and time to think? Or, how about he goes on his own, again giving you time to think?

At any cost I would not go with him. He has proven himself deliberately cruel and hurtful and I would definitely not want to be trapped anywhere with him away from friends and family.

Original poster
PicachoosMamma · 23/04/2015 10:32

It's a long haul holiday, 2 flights, 2 suitcases & a toddler. Not something I feel I can do alone at the moment.
I can't leave him at home to care for the dogs either as they are on medication & he, despite my numerous request, will not learn who takes which tablets & when. My parents usually move into mine to care for the pets whilst we are away, obviously if he was there, they wouldn't be able to do that.
When I read things back they do sound bad, but I don't feel trapped or controlled by him & I'm not concerned about being away from home with him.
He has apologised again today & said if I want a cat to get one but he fails to see this is far from being about adopting a cat!
I have decided to still go on holiday & enjoy my time there with my dd. To be honest he'll be off snorkelling most the time anyway so it'll be just the 2 of us anyway.
However I have told him this will be our last holiday & that I think we should separate when we return.

OP posts:
shewept · 23/04/2015 10:57

I would go. I am not saying you should, or that anyone else should. I am nit even saying its the right thing. But I know I wouldn't want to let my dd and at 4 they know they are going. If she was 2 and had no concept of holidays, then I wouldn't. But I do fully understand why you are going and I would in the same situation.

How did he take it when you said you wanted to separate?

Original poster
PicachoosMamma · 23/04/2015 12:00

It was via text message, that's how bad things are we communicate the important stuff via text, and he simply replied "ok"
I have told him to leave before & he did for a few days but text me constantly whilst he was away begging to come back. Which I let him, but nothing has improved in our relationship since then, despite the many promises to try harder.
I think this time is the last time as it was only 2 weeks ago he said in front of dd he was leaving. At the time I warned him to never say it again unless he meant it & here we are, 2 weeks down the line & he's shouting it out loud & clear.
I've just had enough this time. Sad
Starting to believe maybe there is such a thing as a nice relationship where your partner appreciates you, helps you & wants to be with you, and that my relationship has been dysfunctional for so long I've become to accept it as the norm Sad

OP posts:
Jan45 · 23/04/2015 14:06

I doubt he believes you so if you mean it, do it, I'd advise you to separate, it's toxic and toxic for your kids, be honest, would you be together if not for the kids, I bet not, time to move on, the kids will be fine, they are resourceful and can handle it, surely better than living in such a horrible atmosphere.

shewept · 23/04/2015 19:08

I think he probably doesn't believe you. You will need to tell him face to face.

Since you are going on holiday, I would suggest being a bit observant of his behaviour. He will probably think by being great on holiday he can win you back, then possibly turn back to normal once he gets you to agree to work at the marriage again.

You seem sure, this is the end, so don't be swayed by how he acts on holiday.

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