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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

beyond repair?

45 replies

PicachoosMamma · 22/04/2015 22:34

Hi everyone
I'm new here, really need some advice & opinions on my situation which has today come to a head.
I've been with my husband for 18 years & we have a 4 year old daughter. Things have deteriorated between us since she was born, he basically moved into the couch once I brought her home from hospital & has slept there ever since. We don't spend time together as a couple & don't have sex or be very affectionate with each other. We just seem to live alongside each other.
We are by no means best friends but not are we worst enemies. However recently when we've argued over things, he's been thretening to leave, and the last few times he's said it in front of our daughter. Tonight I have had to console her for hours as she is so upset that her Daddy has again said he's leaving. Only 2 weeks ago he said it in front of her, then promised her he was "only joking"
I'm so mad with him this time as I know he's only saying it & won't go anywhere! But tonight he broke my daughter's heart & I hate him for it. It's one thing saying it to try & hurt me or spark a reaction, but to say it in front of her is unforgivable.
I'm close to ending it because I do t want to go on like this, but then I feel like I'm the one who's going to break my daughter's heart by breaking the family up.
To make things worse we go on holiday on Monday otherwise I'd have told him to go tonight.
I can't see a way back from this at all anymore but hate the thought of a split family for my daughter.

OP posts:

magoria · 23/04/2015 19:13

Your poor baby. You have to do this for her. An initial heartbreak will be the lesser evil than the mental torment and emotional abuse he has already started to pile on her.

By the way if he didn't go away with you there would be less luggage and it would be more manageable. Just saying...

Original poster

PicachoosMamma · 25/04/2015 11:02

Well things here are difficult. He's not speaking to me at all, even though we go away on Monday. I've asked him to at least be civil for the sake of our DD & his response was "why should I talk to you & be all happy happy? We're separating aren't we do why should I talk to you?"
I've said do it for DD, and does he realise his actions & words have an impact on her at all?
He obviously doesn't, or just doesnt care because yesterday he stormed in from work saying "I'm not going on holiday there's no point!" again in front of DD!
It's gonna be a long 2 weeks away!!!

OP posts:

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 25/04/2015 11:09

OP you could totally go on this holiday on your own. I'm on my own with a five and three year old and holidays are fine, travelling is really not as scary as you're imagining it to be. It's the idea of taking him I'm finding scary for you x

paxtecum · 25/04/2015 12:44

You know you really could go on the holiday on your own.
It will be a breathe of fresh air without him there.
You could fit all your clothes and DDs in one suitcase.

You could rinse out some clothes when you are there if you run out of stuff to wear. They will drip dry very quickly in the heat.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 12:50

go on the holiday on your own

you are a capable woman and mother aren't you ?

MerdeAlor · 25/04/2015 13:01

If he goes with you, it'll ruin everyones holiday. Go with your DD, you'll be fine, afterall what would he add to this holiday except stress and anxiety?

Original poster

PicachoosMamma · 25/04/2015 16:07

Yes I am a capable woman & mother. However my DD is so excited to be going on holiday with her mummy & daddy.
I'll get through it & so will my DD. I'm used to living alongside him rather than with him.
I refuse to argue in Front of DD, if he starts we'll get another room.
He's just being a jerk because that's what he's good at!
On the plus side DD & I went to see some cats today haha!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 16:14

I think you are making a mistake

If you and he are separating after the holiday, why don't you go and have a lovely time just you and her. Unless you are planning to take the arse-faced joysucker on every future holiday you ever have.

You are not going to follow through on your threat and he knows it. Your holiday will be shit. What a shame.

UncertainSmile · 25/04/2015 16:48

What AF said x2

Squeegle · 25/04/2015 17:26

Yes, agree. Just say to him don't come.
You will manage fine.

Isn't that what you would do if you weren't afraid? What are you scared of, if just you and your daughter go?

Original poster

PicachoosMamma · 25/04/2015 17:26

I disagree & no my holiday will not be shit.

OP posts:

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 25/04/2015 17:26

I still remember my parents drunken row on holiday, 22 years on, and me and my sister jumping onto my dads neck to get him off our mum, before we three fled to our extended families adjoining room. Their marriage took another year to finally curl up and die. Grow a pair and spare your dd, she is innocent and has no inkling how dreadful this jolly holiday with mummy and daddy is likely to be. You are the only one who can protect her.

Squeegle · 25/04/2015 17:26

Your daughter will get over it. Much better to have a disappointment than two weeks of tension.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2015 17:37

"Yes I am a capable woman & mother. However my DD is so excited to be going on holiday with her mummy & daddy.
I'll get through it & so will my DD".

Yes you will get through the next two weeks but at what emotional cost to you, not least of all your DD who is learning about relationships all the time from the two of you?. Some holiday this will be; it could well turn into your very own holiday from hell.

She won't be going on holiday with mum and dad really because dad will just bugger off, ignore you and do his own thing when you have arrived in the resort.

petalsandstars · 25/04/2015 17:44

What makes you think he'll make an effort and be a nice thoughtful person in two days - for two weeks - when he can't pretend now?

Original poster

PicachoosMamma · 25/04/2015 18:36

Goodness me, I thought this was supposed to be a supportive forum? Not one where if you don't act immediately and carry out what you propose to do & what other think you should do you get insulted.
I'm sorry for the people on here who have left such bitter comments, you've obviously had some dreadful experiences to make you feel the way you do.
Only I know what my relationship is like & I know that the holiday will be fine, as when we go away it is usually me & DD doing our own thing anyway.
There will be no drunken arguments or violence & if I thought for one second things we're going to be as awful as some of you are imagining it to be I wouldn't be going.

OP posts:

Squeegle · 25/04/2015 19:01

I hope that the majority of what you are reading is supportive. We can only respond to what you say. And you did say that you thought it was going to be a long two weeks. Of course what you do is absolutely your choice.

What an anonymous forum can do is hold up some of the things you've expressed and allow you to question the way forward.

Sometimes when you're in the pressure cooker it's hard to see a way out....my comment was to allow you to ask - would a holiday with the two of you really be that impossible?

I have been in a similar position to you, and when I found myself alone with the kids, it was actually surprisingly relaxing! No one to put a dampner on things.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do :-)

petalsandstars · 25/04/2015 19:01

I hope you're right - really - I just wouldn't want you to be stuck abroad with no escape from arguments or snide comments. You've upped the ante saying that you are willing to separate - he might not behave the same as before

Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 26/04/2015 19:36

Goodness me stop clutching at your pearls and twin set, I'm sorry if some peoples less than perfect life experiences have offended you. Maybe because our experiences are a little broader than yours it might be worth listening to them rather than dismissing them as ghastly? You say you know what to expect with dh on holiday but have you ever holidayed together when he's been told it's over and he has nothing to lose, oh and when he doesn't want to go but is going under duress. I would frankly expect some v out of character behaviour and be wary. It's the naive women like my mum, and possibly you, that fall prey to such shocking behaviour not the 'bitter' types such as me that are alert to the worse possible outcomes. Even if you guys pull it off and dd is oblivious to the tension, how do you think she will look back at her last family holiday, fondly or will she feel a bit duped?

shewept · 26/04/2015 20:10

Op I get why you are going and it's your decisions to make. I hope everything goes ok. You have made your decision and it's only you that can make it. It's completely your choice, pls let me know how it goes and I hope you and your dd have a lovely time, as much as possible.

I do also get people saying you shouldn't. But the examples given are really quite extreme. We can only make decisions based on what we know and out experiences. Some people have extreme experiences. If you feel you will be safe and you know your husband, then go. We don't know him and only know the side of him you are describing. People are many different layers, but we are only seeing one of his. You know the whole man.

Don't be too harsh on posters who don't think you should go. Their experiences are making them worried for you and your Dd. It comes from a place of concern.

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