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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Colleague in 99% probable dv situation

32 replies

lucanlordsit · 22/04/2015 16:53

I work in a place with several ladies who are Romanian. One is very young (maybe 20 maximum) and is pregnant with her 2nd child. She has been coming to work with injuries, most recently a black eye. She does not speak much English, her MIL works with us and blatantly lied about the bruise. MIL speaks excellent English, and the excuse was not viable - I don't want to out myself, but it could not have been what she said it was. MIL is defensive of the son, instead of quite frankly, kicking his arse for him.
I have no idea how I can help her, especially as her English is poor. Her dp translates at medical appointments, so she can't get help there. I just wanted to be able to let her know that there is help if she needs / wants it and that she doesn't have to be resigned to it.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 22/04/2015 16:55

This is despicable. Can you speak to HR about it?

Quitelikely · 22/04/2015 16:57

Better still do you know what area she lives in? If so contact the midwife at the local surgery, obviously you will need the girls name and let the midwife contact her.

goldenteapot · 22/04/2015 17:00

If you know her name you could raise this with social services as a safeguarding issue. Point out the language problem.

whitsernam · 22/04/2015 17:02

Could you make a record/diary of when you see bruising, including what you are told by MIL, just in case it might help her in the future? And please find someone who can translate for you. Call Women's Aid for advice, too. It just leaves me cold when I learn that people suspect or witness abuse and do nothing, so please do what you can.

Original poster
lucanlordsit · 22/04/2015 17:47

I thought of the midwife. The language is an issue though as he translates for her. Not a big enough company for HR.
I'm just afraid of making it worse for her, so need to tread carefully.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 22/04/2015 17:48

Police?

Quitelikely · 22/04/2015 17:53

No one will know it was you with the midwife.

Marchhairy · 22/04/2015 17:56

It is against most NHS policy to allow family to translate for this reason- do you know which GP or midwife? They shouldn't be allowing this, maybe if you raise a suspicion they will get interpreters and give her an opportunity to ask for help?

CorBlimeyTrousers · 22/04/2015 17:58

Midwife could be a good way forward. I am pregnant and noticed in one of the toilets in the antenatal department where you go to give your urine sample there was a packet of sticky dots on the door and a notice about domestic violence that said to stick one on the sample pot and the staff would know you need to speak in private. So they must have ways and means of getting women on their own.

Well done for trying to help. I hope she's ok.

Cherryapple1 · 22/04/2015 18:15

What a great friend you are to her OP. I think midwife or SS is the best way forward too.

CorBlimey - that sticky dots idea is both genius and heartbreaking at the same time.

CorBlimeyTrousers · 22/04/2015 18:18

I know. It brought tears to my eyes when I saw it. But then I am hormonal.

BatFoxHippo · 22/04/2015 18:28

www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080023&sectionTitle=Helping+friends+and+family

Call them, they will have experienced the language issues before.

Keep being friendly to this woman (and MIL).

Muckymoo71 · 22/04/2015 18:34

It may not be the oh, might it be the mil? Whoever is hurting her deserves to be named and shamed. I too have seen the dots at the surgery and posters for women's aid, could you talk to one of the other Romanian ladies at work who you trust so you can both direct her to getting help.

Original poster
lucanlordsit · 22/04/2015 18:37

The sticky dots are brilliant, but she wouldn't understand Sad
I may be overthinking, but if he is suspicious, he might make her miss her midwife appointments? She won't tell the police anything because she lives with him and his mother - no other family over here.
It is so difficult. I'm pretty certain she speaks Italian so I might ask women's aid if they can provide any literature in either language. I can find a way to get her on her own, so that the others are unable to interfere or warn her husband.

OP posts:
MsHighwater · 22/04/2015 18:54

Round our way, the local authority put stickers with contact numbers for services to help domestic abuse victims on the bins. After all, who usually puts rubbish out?

Skiptonlass · 22/04/2015 18:56

She's very likely to speak Italian - the languages are quite similar.

Can you use google translate? Get her on her own at work and type into your phone? She can read it and type back to you. Even just knowing someone at work cares could make the difference...

TallGiraffes · 22/04/2015 19:10

How pregnant is she? At our trust you have to be seen alone (or with a trust employed interpreter) at one of your appointments, I can't remember which one. Good luck OP

UncertainSmile · 22/04/2015 19:29

The midwife will be able to use a telephone translation service like LanguageLine, the NHS Trust will have a contract with one.

Original poster
lucanlordsit · 22/04/2015 19:42

I'm going to speak to women's aid and try and find out which midwife she is likely to be with. They seem to be the best starting points.

Thank you all for the replies. I wouldn't be as hesitant if we could communicate well.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 23/04/2015 07:33

I still have one of the cards they put in the female toilets at the hospital. not much help if you an not speak english. It must be quite a problem with lots of people coming from europe, many of the women with poor english.

VivaLeBeaver · 23/04/2015 07:37

If you're in a town/city with one hospital ring the hospital and ask to speak to the community midwives manager. I'm a midwife and I think this would be the best way forward.

Midwives shouldn't use family to translate but sadly as it's easier it does get done. Once the midwives get a heads up they should start using language line and maybe try to get her on her own, etc.

Hissy · 23/04/2015 07:38

There was a woman in the USA who was being abused. Her colleague kept a diary of all the incidents she observed. When the woman finally sought help, the notes were taken as evidence and it helped protect her. It may even have led to his prosecution (can't remember)

Speak to the midwife, I bet she suspects anyway.

Handywoman · 23/04/2015 07:54

You can make an anonymous call to social services. An child protection investigation will be triggered.

Original poster
lucanlordsit · 24/04/2015 07:49

Thank you all for your help. Social services intervention would just see the children whisked back to Romania in all probability Sad and I would hate for that to happen to her.

OP posts:
Slowtrain2dawn · 24/04/2015 08:19

When a woman has to leave a marriage through DV the normal immigration laws change I believe. So I don't think she would just be sent home, but again Womens aid will be able to advise. I hope you are able to speak to her midwife soon.

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