Just had a massive argument with my mum

[DextersMistress]

Her overwhelming need to be right just steamrolls everything else. This latest one was ridiculous.
I'm moving areas next month and I was telling her that I'd phoned the local schools to enquire about places. I mentioned that there were 4 schools, and I'd called 3 because the 4th was catholic. She asked why not the catholic and I simply replied because we are not.
She said but I am! So I class you as being catholic too. I laughed and told her it didn't work like that, she never had me christened or took me to church, plus sent me to a CofE school so I'm not catholic. Neither is dp, and our dc haven't been christened either.
She said I should still call the catholic school as they'd never check if dc were christened
It just blew up as she accused me of talking to her like a 2 year old because I wouldn't back down and say I was wrong. The fact that she said Protestants don't believe in God goes to show how little she actually knows about the subject.

I'm due to go there tomorrow and I know the atmosphere will be shit as she'll feel wronged in some way. Don't even know why I'm posting, just needed a rant really.

Mums can be a bag of biz sometimes.
Me included, if I'm honest.
Can you disengage or must you prove the truth? I'd advise disengagement.

I'm happy to forget it but I know she won't. Her argument now will be the way I spoke to her because I didn't back down for a change. When I told her that you have to be christened to go to a catholic school she actually laughed and said don't be stupid, they don't check. She comes across as so arrogant with her views and speaks to people like shit. I'm just so tired of it.

My guess is that she has always been like this and it is not your fault she is the ways she is either.

I would put more emotional distance between you and your mother now particularly if she has a need to be right all the time. You need firm and consistent boundaries with regards to her.

I would cancel your visit to hers tomorrow as well.

I would also think your mother has no friends as a result of her attitude.

Has she also fallen out with all and sundry over the years?.

Do you have siblings, if so what do they think of her?.

You're right atilla she has few friends, I have a Db who has the same issues with her.
On the other hand she's a really good gm to my dc and that's why I go there. I spent so many years just letting things go and I've now got to the point where I think well, why? I'm in my 30's ffs and still getting spoken to like a child. I just want to stand my ground more but don't know if it's worth the fallout.

Although the facts aren't really the issue here:

When I told her that you have to be christened to go to a catholic school she actually laughed and said don't be stupid, they don't check.

Yes - they do. Tried to get my son a place at a local Catholic school, they asked when and where he had been baptised and by whom. When we explained he hadn't been, he was offered a place with the stipulation that he must be baptised (by a priest, in a Catholic church - so CofE christening not good enough) before starting and they would need to see the certificate.

I spent so many years just letting things go and I've now got to the point where I think well, why? I'm in my 30's ffs and still getting spoken to like a child. I just want to stand my ground more but don't know if it's worth the fallout.

That is something you'll have to weigh up for yourself. But bear in mind that when you don't stand your ground and demand to be spoken to with respect, you are already paying a cost: your self-esteem and confidence is being eroded.

I find it interesting that uk have different school with a religion. And still cover for it (money).in the u.s. if you wanted a religion school, it have to be a private school and you have to pay out of your own pocket. Public schools (provided by tax money from everyone even if they send their kids to private) believe in separation of the church and state.

so i would not be surprised if your school did not checked your religion background. If that's the case. Everyone has to go to school, religion or not.

I would argue whether she is really a good grandmother figure to your children if she as her daughter can treat you so appallingly. It does them no favours at all for them to see you as their mother so disrespected all the time. Perhaps you have only allowed them to have a relationship with her because you thought that she would behave better with them this time around than she has with you.

Does your DB have any sort of a relationship with his mother these days, is he the more favoured one?.

I personally think it is worth the fallout (can imagine your mother pulling a previously unknown health scare on you) that she will undoubtedly drag you into in order to stand your ground more. However, I think you will also find that process difficult likely also because you have really been conditioned by her not to stand up to her.

I would also now consider reading some of the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Since you can't get unreasonable people to magically start behaving reasonably, and you can't get people who desperately need to feel in the right to concede that they are ever wrong, your only option is distance.

Physical, emotional, or both.

Learn to disengage from her: reduce phone calls, reduce visits, and let her crazy statements roll off you, just change the subject when she starts on one, and put down the phone or leave if she won't let up.

It may seem completely unfeasible for you now, to do this to your mother, but it gets easier with practice.

You can precede the above with a show-down, or a period of no contact, if you feel that you need it. Ultimately, it comes down to finding your own way to a) making peace with the fact that this is who she is, and b) keeping your distance and limiting interactions to any amount that is manageable and comfortable for you.

Blueberry - there is no seperation of church and state in the uk so all schools, unless stated otherwise, are Christian schools. Even schools with no church affiliation. It's something that comes up on mumsnet a lot as people don't realise it.

She actually sent you to a CofE school without noticing them mentioning God anywhere? That takes some selective short-sightedness. Either that or she was having a senior moment and mistook "Protestant" for "atheist". Or is just one of those people who makes shit up in the heat of the argument (and then denies vehemently afterwards they "would have" ever said such a thing).

Anyway, doesn't matter what she thinks, you're going to choose an appropriate school for your DC which hopefully you stand a good chance of getting them into. Grandmothers don't get a say.

My brother is in a worse position as he lives with her. A few years ago she pressured him into buying her (then rented) house. He now pays the mortgage plus exactly the same amount in 'keep' as he did before. My dm actually profits.
I'll take a look at the stately homes threads, thanks.

Ultimately it'll come down to either letting it wash over me or pretty close to nc as I know she'll never change.

He bought the house but pays rent to her, how does that work?! Poor sap.

I'd love a chance to get my sons to do something similar but unfortunately they're not that stupid

annie she's just the type to not let the truth get in the way of an argument. I think she sent me to the school she did because it was easier seeing as she couldn't be arsed getting me christened. (Her words, Db who is older was christened)
She actually a very intelligent woman, high IQ, knows a lot about a lot. But not religion is seems

"On the other hand she's a really good gm to my dc and that's why I go there."
Is this actually true? Or does she just treat them better than she treats/treated you and your brother?

If she puts you down, and contradicts you, and always has to be right in front of your children then I would suggest she isn't that great a grandma.
It could also be that they aren't old enough to answer back yet.

Reduce the information/detail that you give her or tell her when things are done. Expect to be caught out and blind-sided though.

Shorter visits.

Assertiveness books.

Try not to care.

Nah, she knows what a Protestant is then. Sounds like she just throws a whole load of arguments at you in the hope one or more will hit bullseye. You end up not knowing which stick to chase.

I wonder whether, had you said the Catholic school would be your first preference, that would have been wrong too?

Minimise contact with her, she sounds horrible and manipulative, your poor db, she's s bully.

She genuinely is a good nan. She has infinite patience with them, is very hands on playing games and baking, making dens none of which she did with us our arguments mostly take place over the phone. Tbh whenever we're there she's too busy with dc.

Well, she may be good with the gcs but she's a bad mum.

I would still be very wary purely and simply because how she has and continues to treat you. She was not a good parent to you after all, you really need to consider minimising contact with her.

It may come to pass that when your children are older (and can express their own opinions more verbally and freely) she may well come to dislike this change intensely.

Dexter Are you me?!

My DM is exactly the same. She always has to be right about everything. Even where there is no right or wrong answer and things are a matter of opinion, I'm still wrong if my opinion is different from hers.

She's also a class A bossy boots and assumes I know jack shit about everything. She moans and moans about her siblings telling her what to do but she don't arf love getting on the phone to me letting me know I have to arrange a skip for my building work, I have to check the builder's work at the end of everyday to make sure he's not taking the piss, I have to have DH help me unload the tiles that are being delivered next week. All of this I already know, or have already decided on, and actually don't have to do ay of it.

Although I'm a grown woman, she treats me like I'm a stupid 14 year old girl playing a grown-up.

Sorry, Dexter totally highjacked your thread to rant.

Basically, you're not alone. Just tell her you're not a child, she could keep her opinions to herself and fuck off.

This is what I do with my mum, not that it works a fucking jot mind you.

our arguments mostly take place over the phone. Tbh whenever we're there she's too busy with dc.

Why not cut out phone calls, then? See if that's sufficient to bring greater peace to your life.

(use caller ID, put ringer on "silent" around the time she usually calls, disconnect voicemail, breezily say "Oh wasn't I? How about those new curtains you just installed!" when she berates you for not being available when she phoned earlier... and inwardly deal with your feelings of guilt until you stop feeling guilty about protecting your own sanity.)

The only way is to completely disengage both emotionally as well as physically.

It is NOT your fault your mothers are like this; their own families of origin are responsible.

For phone conversations, some electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.