Just had a massive argument with my mum

[DextersMistress]

Her overwhelming need to be right just steamrolls everything else. This latest one was ridiculous.
I'm moving areas next month and I was telling her that I'd phoned the local schools to enquire about places. I mentioned that there were 4 schools, and I'd called 3 because the 4th was catholic. She asked why not the catholic and I simply replied because we are not.
She said but I am! So I class you as being catholic too. I laughed and told her it didn't work like that, she never had me christened or took me to church, plus sent me to a CofE school so I'm not catholic. Neither is dp, and our dc haven't been christened either.
She said I should still call the catholic school as they'd never check if dc were christened
It just blew up as she accused me of talking to her like a 2 year old because I wouldn't back down and say I was wrong. The fact that she said Protestants don't believe in God goes to show how little she actually knows about the subject.

I'm due to go there tomorrow and I know the atmosphere will be shit as she'll feel wronged in some way. Don't even know why I'm posting, just needed a rant really.

Haha string no worries that actually cheered me up a bit
Yes they certainly sound similar.
Last year dp was made redundant. It was really hard for him as he's a grafter. DM had zero sympathy and called him lazy (to me). He got another job, then a couple of promotions and is doing really well. He works away a couple of night a week and so now he's apparently a piss taker for leaving me with dc. It's just no win.

X-posted. Thanks all, I'll definitely try to disengage in the future.

I think that that's advisable - and for the kids as well. (How old are they?) She may seem fine with them right now but I'm guessing that they're at an age where they readily accept her authority and don't present any issues for her. Put a few years on them and the inadequate boundaries could really start to impact.

They're 2 and 4. Oh believe me, if I ever heard the slightest bit of nastiness towards my children we'd be out of there sharpish. She actually defends my dc if I ever say anything negative about them!
(Eg. Ds1 has been a nightmare today, so naughty. Leave him alone, he's probably tired)

It wouldn't necessarily be nastiness - could be manipulation eg of the 'You love your Granny best don't you?' variety. All sorts are possible so a little more distance would probably be no bad thing for everybody if you could manage it.

On the Catholic school bit, even though my dc school know we are practising Catholics and my elder 2 go there I have still had to give my youngest s baptism certificate for proof.
The head said she already knows the answer its they need to keep proof copies.

I understand cozie. From September when ds1 starts school we won't be seeing her nearly as much so that's doable without a fallout.

just she would argue that black is white so the 'facts' aren't really important. Although I knew I was right!

Youve got the best advice here, to disengage. Do it soon. I left it far too late. I wish there'd been MN around then. :)

Op my friends dm sounds very like yours and turned her ds against her when he was a teen. She used to play them off one another, be careful she doesn't pull that shit with you.

Ha! Another one... My dm is exactly the same, fab with the kids, super nana, really good fun great days out great ideas etc. shame she controlled & manipulated her way through our childhood. When I had first dc I was surprised at her complete personality change, now he's 10 I can see she's starting to control & manipulate him as well, I never leave my dc alone with her it's like she hates it now they have their own ideas & opinions. I've dealt with it by cutting right down on the amount of information I tell her ( for instance these days I would never get into a convo about phoning/deciding on schools) I keep it all light, brief and non personal. Hth & good luck

Oh & I ignore any comments I hear through others like 'oh I hear your unhappy in your job' NO my mother does not even know what I do for a living because she will use it against me, turn up at my work crying (really) etc etc I couldn't give a shit if she thinks I'm boring because I don't tell her anything I do

My friends son starts at the local catholic school in September, they are not Catholic in any way shape or form. Places are allocated to Catholics first. Though why anyone would want to go to a faith school that they don't follow is a mystery to me.

It really doesn't matter that the schools need you to be christened or not, it doesn't fit her argument so it doesn't matter to her.

You can't win with people like this, so don't try, give no information, including what you are doing. "Schools are all sorted." that's it.

Re your DB, can you talk to him about how crazy his situation is?

Dexters,

re your comment:-

"They're 2 and 4. Oh believe me, if I ever heard the slightest bit of nastiness towards my children we'd be out of there sharpish. She actually defends my dc if I ever say anything negative about them!
(Eg. Ds1 has been a nightmare today, so naughty. Leave him alone, he's probably tired")

She is showing him in the above example that you are the nasty mummy. Nice nanny never tells him off, that is what they are seeing from her because she is always "nice" to them. She could well start having a favourite or playing one off against the other soon enough if she is not already doing that. She was not a good parent to you and she may well not become a good grandmother figure to your children.

Dinosaurs he's well aware but like me settled for an easy life. It's a short mortgage so he'll be able to buy himself somewhere else soon. All dm is worried about is how she'll manage without his money lay off the online bingo maybe?

Attila that example was on the phone so not in front of him but I will definitely look out for any signs of that behaviour. Luckily we don't live too close and she's not very comfortable with motorways so doesn't come to us.

I

The trouble is, Dexters, that you may very well neither see that sort of behaviour yourself nor have it reported to you in some way by the DCs. Just think to yourself of the sort of childhood you and your DBro had, though, and of the way that she treats others in her orbit. (Your DH for example - how do you know that select little 'influences' are not already going in to the DC's ears as they play?)

In my experience, people very rarely change in essentials and her behaviour is all of a pattern I'm afraid - nicey nicey while the DCs are young enough to obey her without question but put a few years on them and who knows? It would be desperately confusing and unsettling for them as well.

I realize it's a lot to absorb in a oner so maybe have a think about things and come back to the board later on?

Sorry - *DP

When you see her next and she is quiet and putting on a wow is me how (basically waiting for you to ask what is wrong so she can have a go) ignore and talk about the weather, the high street, something on the news, the cost of petrol, a book you read and she should too, a TV programme. And on and on. You don't have to talk about anything meaningful.

If she asks a question, tell her it is all fine and then bring up the high street shop you saw being opened and want to try.

I trick I use is, I go in with a time I have to leave. 'Hi mum. Just so you know we need to leave by 12 as I need to pick up a friends child from somewhere ' remember, this doesn't have to be true, but gives you an out at a reasonable time.

If she starts in on you. Don't defend yourself. Just say, 'this conversation was over last week, it doesn't matter now and you don't want to relive it. Have you read this book by such and such?'

If she tries again 'sorry mum, had already said I don't want to discuss it again. Did you see the new Dr Who?'

' look mum, if it really upset you that much, we will leave. Now dos you see the price of petrol?'

'Ok mum. We are going. Kids get your stuff, grandma is not up for visitors today.'

Put you own spin on it, but may help.

Then start not answering the phone and. Or being able to visit.

...waiting for you to ask what is wrong...

I'm afraid that in my experience, that's rarely quiet - there's usually much thumping down of crockery etc!

(But I recognize that well. )

Some really great advice here, thank you. She called me last night with some random food related question which I've learned over the years is her way of admitting defeat without actually saying it. So today won't be too unbearable. I'll definitely be using some of the tips from this thread though, I won't be letting her get to me anymore