Another cheating arsehole..........except this one is my dad :(

[Bogeyface]

I have suspected that his friendship with a particular woman was more than just chatting about their shared disability (she has had it for life, his came on in the last 10 years, they met at the clinic they both attend and mum knew they were in touch). She lives a good distance away, he doesnt drive and cant use public transport alone so I am sure there has been no physical contact that mum doesnt know about, but this is definitely an emotional affair.

The landline was always engaged when I rang if mum wasnt there and he would say "oh I must have not put the receiver back properly" every single time. Once or twice ok, but every time? I would pop round and if mum wasnt there he would practically throw me out and again, the landline would be engaged. I know it doesnt sound like much but my dad never uses the phone to chat to anyone, he is the cliche of a man on the phone in that he just uses it for the bare minimum and thats it, hour long calls are not his thing.

A few weeks back he had a real rant at me about mum, stuff that yes is true but the way he was saying it ..... its hard to describe....at the time I thought it was odd but he does get down sometimes and she can be naggy about certain things to do with his health. Sometimes he needs nagging, sometimes she does go on, but he was ranting like she was some complete harridan on his back every second of the day, which simply isnt true. I am there a lot and I know that she isnt like that. Looking back I think this was part of the self justification "Its ok because my wife is a cow who is always nagging me".

Anyway skip to this morning and I get a text message that was clearly meant for the OW. It couldnt have been for mum because a) she was with him as they are on holiday and b) it said (amongst other things) that he missed her. As I say, he is with mum so he wouldnt be saying that, and there is no way it was meant for me as that was not the kind of text you send a daughter. It was explicit or anything, thank god. I was sitting there in shock as it confirmed what I suspected and more, it said that he loved her. :(

Then my phone rings and its him all bright and breezy and asking did I just text him (all confused) and said No, but the message you just sent clearly wasnt for me. Again all confused oh I dont know what that was and I got angry and said "Dont bullshit me, I know whats going on, we will talk when you get back" (later today) and he got serious and said ok and asked me to delete the message. I have screenshot it, saved in 4 places and then deleted the message so mum or my kids dont see it.

I am going to fucking KILL HIM!!!! The bastard.

This would destroy mum, it really would. My sister would go fucking bananas and if my mum found out that I knew she would never trust me again. She was abusive when we were kids, she had severe hormonal problems 3 weeks out of 4 (untreated, the doctors were not sympathetic) and its only really been in the last 7 or 8 years that we have formed any kind of relationship. For the first time I can say that I love her and she loves me, we spend time together and have fun. That will all end if this comes out and she knows I knew. How fucking dare he?! I wont let, I just wont.

I am not going to tell her, I cant tell her, but thats for her sake (and mine) not his. I am going to tell him that I have saved the message, that he ends it with OW and that I am only covering for him ONCE, and thats it. If he doesnt end it or if he starts it up again then I will tell her and I will not be held responsible for the absolute shit storm that will be unleashed.

I am so angry, I am shaking. Have been in tears twice already.

How could he do this?! She is there for him every single day, takes him to all his appointments, drives across the country to get him the best care, advocated for him with the consultant was being a twat, helps him with his meds, got him counselling when he needed it to deal with his disability and actually ENCOURAGED him in his friendship with OW!!! Yes she is a bit of a nag, but sometimes he does need a kick up the arse, his health would be a lot worse if it wasnt for her and he has acknowledged that. He knows he is his own worst enemy, he was diagnosed with COPD and she was really patient about him (finally) giving up smoking even though frankly he was a complete bastard at the time, a fact he does NOT acknowledge.

I cant tell her can I? I dont know what to do, I have to be all bright and breezy when they get back when inside I want to rip his fucking head off and shit down his neck.

Oh and he said on the phone, quite emphatically, that nothing was going on so presumably he is using the defence of "its not cheating, we have never had sex". Wanker probably literally, yuck If its not cheating then a) why do I need to delete the text? b) why did he send it when mum wasnt there (he told me she was coming back when I was on the phone which is when I hung up) c) why is he telling another woman he loves her in a way that is not matey or familial? d) why is he fucking panicking about having sent it to me?

The mans a fucking maggot.

Havent proofread, I need to rant so sorry for typos etc

They are not excuses, they are reasons and its my decision to make.

You are talking as though you are in some way responsible for your parents marriage and believe you can manipulate your dad into becoming a 'good' husband. Your mother knows your dad is a cheat and has chosen to stay with him. Your dad knows your mum despises cheats and has chosen to do this. None of this is your fault, it's not your job to fix it. Delete the screenshots and stay well out of it - for your own sanity. Forget you ever saw it, if your mum ever finds out feign ignorance.

I say this as the child of an unhappy marriage. My life changed forever when a councillor explained to me that it was neither in my power nor my responsibility to 'fix' my parents.

Ok, perhaps write down a list of the pros and cons around telling your mum.

Or perhaps confided in your sister (think you've mention you have siblings).

Telling my sister is worse than telling my mum!

She would go in guns blazing, cause a huge shit storm and then stop speaking to my father. She is very much a shoot first and ask questions later type of person, she wouldnt stop and think it through.

I would only tell her if I was telling mum and mum wanted her to know, which knowing how Sis would react, I doubt mum would.

Have a word with him (calmly!) to let him know what this looks like and that you really don't want him to hurt your Mum. However you don't know the truth in their marriage and you are making a lot of assumptions. Yes, he may be having an EA or maybe the connection with this woman through a shared illness is giving him some hope, encouragement, understanding and possibly "love"?

I agree with NotAnother, don't get involved.

So she doesn't leave - that's her choice. But you will have to carry this around with you (and not just this time, next time and the time after ... ) and run the risk she finds out you knew.

I think a shitstorm and stopping speaking to your father sounds preferable to a strained peace in which the only person who will suffer is you.

what is the real reason for your anger? Is it really anger at your dad for his EA or is it actually fear that your mum may revert back to the abuser you grew up with? Or is it in fact that your dad, the person you trusted, has done this? Listen to the words you're saying. You're not saying that your mum will be devastated, you're saying that she will refuse to leave because she will want to punish him, and that your relationship will suffer - the relationship you never had with her as a child

I am not going to justify your dad having had an EA, but life is rarely black and white. You say that your mum was abusive to you and your siblings growing up. Was she abusive to your dad as well? I would imagine she probably was. In which case spending decades in an abusive relationship with a woman who abused his children can't have been easy. And perhaps he couldn't leave then because leaving meant leaving his children with his abusive wife...

And then becoming disabled might have meant needing to be dependent on his abuser - perhaps she might even see it as her own way of staying in control.

So it could be easy to see how someone living in that kind of situation would be drawn to someone else who has the same or similar physical issues to him, and for that to develop.

I'm not saying this is how it is, neither am I trying to justify an affair. But you say yourself your own childhood was difficult, presumably that means your parents' marriage has been difficult.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but neither does this wrong cancel out the other wrongs and turn your mum into a saint.

Talk to your dad. hear what he has to say without making threats. Try to do it with an open mind.

I don't think that this is your secret to keep (by doing so you would be protecting a cheater). Nor is it your responsibility to disclose it (you get shot as the messenger, you hurt your mum).

The person whose secret it IS, and whose responsibility it is to disclose it to your mum, is your dad.

Tell him: "Tell Mum what is going on, or I will; I have the proof. It's your mess, so you own up to it, and you fix it."

May not work, but I think it would be the best solution, in terms of:

• your father owning his actions
• your mother choosing her own reaction wrt her marriage
• you not being the secret-keeper or shot-at messenger, neither of which are your role.

She was never abusive to him to my knowledge, the abuse was literally her losing her shit and then hitting me and my sister, she never raised a hand to him according to him when we talked about it years later.

I dont think my relationship will suffer with her unless I am the one to tell her, then I think it will. She wont revert to the person she was, her hormone issues resolved as soon as she had the menopause, almost overnight it was odd. But I do think that she would blame me for her devastation and yes she would be devastated. I dont think she would stay to punish him, thats not what I said, she would stay because she loves him and doesnt want to be apart from him.

I am angry that he has not only lied to her but tried to lie to me too. He tried to take me for a bloody fool and I cannot tolerate that.

I think you should try to talk to him with an open mind but make it clear that he has put you in the middle of something and he needs to sort it out now. You can't be expected to keep secrets from your mum so he must tell her.

I sympathise entirely with your anger at him, but it may well soften as time goes on. I have some experience of this issue.

If he doesn't tell her then I think you have already decided you can't do it. I think there's a shedload of complication in your relationship with both of them - don't put all the anger on to him. You may have to disengage emotionally from them - maybe get some psychological help in doing that?

OP, you seem incredibly angry with him for it to be just about this, upsetting though it must be for you.

You say The last time I contacted an OW (thank you "Darling" husband) I ended up getting a "quiet word" from the police

Is your DF's behaviour reminding you of this "last time"?

Because, hard though it is, you need to back off a bit - your mother was abusive to you when you were young, and you seem to have found it possible to forgive that because you believe her rages were triggered by hormones? I find that odd, to be honest - it's not the sort of defence I'd accept from a man, and I wouldn't accept it from a woman either.

The fact remains that she was abusive to you and you have forgiven her. Your father "tried to take you for a bloody fool" - does that feel like the time your ex did that?

I'm not denying your DF sounds like a weak, possibly unfaithful fool - but it's actually your mother he's hurting, if anyone - not you.

I think in the circumstances - to avoid this becoming a huge drama - I'd tell your DF that you're going to find it impossible to keep it from your mother, and that he should tell her now, or you will.

If you end up telling her, and she is angry with you, then I'm afraid the love she has for you is fragile, to say the least - you shouldn't need to fear losing your relationship with her over it.

I'd hate to be in the position where one of my children had to tell me my partner had cheated - but my love for them would be unchanged. They come first, always.

By not telling her you take away her choices to make decisions for herself. She's living a lie and deserves to know.

I agree baby

OP I wonder if you've displaced a lot of anger about your childhood onto your dad?

I have been thinking about this and I know what it is that is making me so angry.

I cant un-know this. I cant un-see what I have seen. And its because of him that I know it and saw it.

So whatever happens he has placed me in an impossible situation, either I tell my mother and it all goes to hell, he tells my mother and it all goes to hell or nobody says anything and we try to pretend it never happened, and whichever it is, my relationship with him will never be the same again.

The first affair I only found out about a few years ago and happened when I was about 10/11, I figured that they worked it out and moved on so I just filed it under "Things that happened" and didnt really think about it. I have no feelings about that really other than thinking he is a fucking idiot for not learning from it.

Yes there may be an element of anger from what H did to me, but thats more down to knowing how mum will feel, how it feels to be betrayed, to have everything you thought about your marriage to be called into question and I am very angry that he is potentially bringing that down upon her. She deserves better than this.

And as for the abuse, I have made my peace with it, its not something I am prepared to discuss or justify.

I'm sorry that you're upset. I think that you're taking this on yourself too much, it's not your marriage it's your parents' marriage. Your relationship with them as mum and dad is separate.

Your mum has known of two other affairs; this one can hardly come as a surprise really, can it? Even with the best will in the world, her view of your dad must have been coloured by his previous actions.

The truth is, you don't know what is going on in their marriage and nor should you. Is there a possibility that this need you feel to protect your mum is coming from your own difficult relationship with her, that you need to prove something to her? My mum can be extremely difficult and not very nice at times and what is my response? To bend over backwards and put up with her nonsense so as not to cause waves. It's not good.

You're not responsible for any of this so let them sort out the mess in their own way. You can tell your dad that he must tell your mum or you will but really, don't get involved more than that and don't contact the other woman, that's lame and over-involved, you don't know her and you don't know that she won't take it further, it's not worth it, focus on your own family.

It doesn't matter whether she leave or not, that's up to her.

But if you value your new-found relationship with your mum as much as you says, then you need to tell her.

Stuff your dad, why be loyal to someone who's shown so little loyalty to your mum?

If he is the one to tell her, history shows that rather than "all go to hell", this one too might well be filed away under Things That Happened. That is a your mum's choice to make, anyway.

Partners of cheats often have their own reasons for choosing to stay with their cheat.
This is often why the messenger gets shot, by the way: the victim is angry that the thing they prefer to remain in denial about, is being exposed, and is now known by someone other than her and the cheat. The victim often doesn't want to be pushed out of her denial.

This is between your mum and your dad. I think the revelation needs to come from your dad, and the choice of action is then hers.

How would you feel if your mum chose to turn a blind eye to his infidelity, again?

First of all you have to know that whatever happens next, you are not to blame. Do not beat yourself up about the 'ifs and buts' surrounding this situation - none of it is your fault and however it pans out, the outcome will still not be your fault. Secondly - do not rush into any decisions right now when you are so angry.
My dad lied and cheated for 3 years before leaving my mum - in retrospect I believe that she knew about OW but decided to ignore the problem, I'm guessing because she either thought it would blow over or because she was afraid of driving him away by bringing it to a head.
This is their nightmare of a relationship and it is not your responsibility to fix it or force anything to a head. And if you think telling your mum will damage your new relationship, then your don't have to say anything.
I completely agree with GoatsDoRoam - your mum may well know exactly what is going on and has already made her own choice.

I've been in a similar situation.

I discovered by dad was having an affair.

He'd previously admitted being unfaithful when I asked him outright whether he had ever been unfaithful to mum because as a child I'd seen a note mum had left him when he didn't come home before she went to bed.

I confronted him about the affair and made it clear I was angry and disappointed in him and that I'd always take Mum's side.

I eventually found out who he was having an affair with. It was a physical and emotional relationship. It was a family friend.

I've kept this secret for over 10 years. It has not been easy and my relationship with Dad changed as I could no longer respect him.

I confronted my Dad before he passed away to find out who if anyone knew. He told me Mum didn't, but I suspect they came to an accommodation about it. My brother I believe is none the wiser. The OW knows I know. She knew to keep well away at Dad's funeral.

I am glad I didn't tell my Mum, but I'll never forgive Dad. I still feel angry that I knew and couldn't unknow - that's the worst bit.

I agree with everything MiddleAgedAndConfused said.

Thank you Soup it really helps to know that someone else has been there too. Three days ago he was the Daddy I adored and who I would do anything for, now he is a lying cheating scumbag who I cant bear to think about.

Small update: Tonight he texted me saying that he wanted to talk to me. I said when I was free, he replied saying that he knew what he was and what he had done and he wanted to make it right. Not sure what that means but he says he will call me tomorrow. I dont want to talk on the phone, I want to see him face to face so if he can call me without Mum knowing then he can see me without her knowing (he can, trust me).

I had been thinking that he would carry on with the deny deny deny and then go on to justify justify justify, but he hasnt so I am prepared to listen to him. But I want to know what his idea of making it right actually is, I will probably be back to ask advice again based on what he said

Can someone PM me what was in the deleted message?! I hate it when I miss those!

Oh and he said he has "put an end to it".....

Do you believe him?
What would "making it right" entail, according to you?
Your definition of it and his may be different. Are there specific things you want to request of him, in order for you to be able to feel at peace about this?