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Original poster

No sex, not sure what to do

31 replies

Shitforbricks · 21/04/2015 21:49

Newbie here, please be kind lol.

I have been in a relationship for 3 yrs with my DP and he has ed, which isn't helped by his vices of smoking and drinking, he can't take any Viagra because of a medical condition. Anyway he has never had a high sex drive but I didn't know this until about 8 months in, thought he was being respectful not trying it on too soon and taking it slowly. Then we went through a period of about 6 months of being very frequent, although I always had to initiate it, this has now stopped and we have had it once in 9 months, I have approached the subject with trepidation as he's not a good communicator and was met with he has ed (which I accept) and he never feels the desire. I love this man dearly but I don't want to live my life not feeling sexy, wanted and attractive, all of which I have voiced to him. The answer I always get is, it will get better but it never does.

Has anybody got any ideas apart from dumping him?

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 21/04/2015 21:53

He's not exactly making an effort is he? Why do you want a man who makes no effort to please you?

Original poster
Shitforbricks · 21/04/2015 21:59

No he doesn't and This is going to sound like excuses but he has ed a lsd and a stressful job, also prone to depression, so stack that up and it doesn't look good but he more than makes up for it in other ways, I just miss it, I don't know whether to attempt a conversation one more time or accept this as it is or leave.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 21/04/2015 23:14

He could do things for you in bed that dont involve penetration. Does he?

Original poster
Shitforbricks · 22/04/2015 07:47

No he doesn't, and writing it here has been a bit of an awakening

OP posts:
LividofLondinium · 22/04/2015 12:03

The answer I always get is, it will get better but it never does
Talk is cheap (as you've discovered), so when you discuss it with him what are his plans to improve the situation?

Jan45 · 22/04/2015 12:13

Plenty he could be doing without involving penetration, he's not even willing to try, maybe time you moved on to someone who does want a sexual relationship.

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2015 12:16

A lot of people with stressful jobs find that sex really helps, so I don't think that one would wash with me.

He's continuing to smoke and drink, even though he knows it's making him sexually incapable - why would anyone do that?!

He's putting his needs first, OP. He might not be selfish in other ways (eg giving you his last Rolo) but he's very selfish in this way and it's making you lose confidence in yourself as a result.

I'm not a believer in threats or deadlines - just watch the man, see what he's like and decide whether he's the sort of man you want.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2015 13:06

I think the ED and the lack of desire are two different things tbh

I would want him to go to the gp about both things

If he won't, then he obviuosly doesn't care enough does he?

pocketsaviour · 22/04/2015 13:53

he never feels the desire.

This is the crux of it. If you stay with this guy, you could have a great relationship - but it will be more of a friendship than a romantic partnership. You will have to accept that he is not sexually interested in you (or anyone) and isn't willing to fulfil your needs.

Personally I couldn't live with that, especially with someone who was continuing to smoke and drink despite knowing they would make him even less likely to want sex.

Original poster
Shitforbricks · 22/04/2015 17:14

Hi all, thanks for the messages.

He has been to the doctor, who diagnosed ed. He hasn't stopped drinking or smoking although he has cut down to try and help the situation, I have asked all the relevant questions, is it me, does he not find me attractive, am I not sexy blah blah blah and he tells me it's not me, it's him.

This is when he said he never feels the desire to do it, which means all of it I assume. He is selfish and that's why I asked, do I accept it or move on but then really I'm the only one that can answer that question.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 22/04/2015 17:21

Unless he is on board with you both seeking help together then nothing will change, it's a bit worrying as to why he does not appear to have any sex drive.

Are you a young couple? He really needs to address this, you should not be made to feel like you just have to accept it.

tb · 22/04/2015 17:46

Has he had his levels of testosterone tested? This can cause both lack of desire and ed.

Original poster
Shitforbricks · 22/04/2015 17:49

No he hasn't had them tested and no we are not a young couple, he has suggested that maybe he needs counselling before but I thought it would improve between us, I think this is a route I need to pursue with him, thank you

OP posts:
runningoutofpatience · 22/04/2015 18:25

I had this in my previous marriage. It started with more infrequent sex, to none, to no other affection at all (cuddles, kisses etc) to very little communication from him. I felt less and less loved as the time went on. Twelve years into our relationship and five years after our marriage, we split up and are now divorced.

A year or so after we split I discovered that he had been having an affair for some time - it had started when I thought that we were happily married.

Then I discovered that he had not just drifted into an affair, he had been actively seeking opportunities to cheat. And after our split he tried to get it on with his friend's girlfriend.

I think he did not try to save our marriage because he believed that he would have a future with the woman he was cheating with but it turned out she was not prepared to leave her partner. Nice, right?

Not saying your DP is cheating but that was the truth in my situation.

ALaughAMinute · 22/04/2015 21:44

I won't bore you with the details but I had a relationship with a man who had ED and it left me feeling like shit! Even though he told me he'd had the problem for years, I couldn't help feeling as if it was my fault. Unlike your DP, he made an effort to please me, but our sex life always felt incomplete and did absolutely nothing for my self-esteem.

Never again!

My advice to you would be to move on. Quick!

scatteroflight · 22/04/2015 22:10

OP search online for "dead bedrooms". You'll find lots of advice. Unfortunately in this situation you will either have to learn to accept it or leave. He has a low libido and this isn't something that tends to change.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2015 06:39

Well it didn't take the brains of Einstein by the doctor to "diagnose" ED

The question is, what is the cause? And what is the treatment?

Are you sure he did really go to the doctor?

Original poster
Shitforbricks · 23/04/2015 13:19

Yes I'm sure he went as we went together, I think I'm going to suggest counselling and then if that's not well received I have my answer, if it is then it's worth a go....

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 23/04/2015 13:24

I'm interested to know exactly what the doctor said and what, if any, treatment s/he suggested?

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2015 14:15

What did the doctor say might be the cause of the ED? Hormonal? Stress? Medical? Did he take bloods? Do a full exam?

I'm not mediaclly trained but I'd say if I were and a man presented with an ability to gain or maintain an erection he's got ED. That's the easy part. The next step is finding out why and treating the causes.

I can't help but feel that you are being had on here OP

Branleuse · 23/04/2015 14:25

He doesnt show much initiative or enthusiasm for sorting the issue out, which pretty much means that any solution will only be temporary as hes just not that interested.

You dont actually have to live like that.

I had a sexless relationship in my last marriage. Its soul destroying.
Turns out he dumped me in the end for another woman. I thought it was just his sex drive, but obviously not

I would think seriously about whether you can live like this for the next 5/10 years

Original poster
Shitforbricks · 23/04/2015 17:27

He has high bp that causes a massive headache when he's about to cum and depression.

It is soul destroying and I'm feeling really down about it all today, I guess I need to work out which can I live without more sex or him?

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 23/04/2015 18:32

So how exactly is it an ED? Does he get erections? Is he able to ejaculate? Or can he get erections but not maintain them?

Or does he just not get turned on that much?

Cos ED is a problem with the equipment. If he never feels like sex in the first place then its low libido. And there ain't a whole lot to turn that situation around, sadly.

It often seems that people in relationships with low libidos are happy to kid themselves that their partner will just put up with it. Sex isn't important to them, so they are vaguely baffled by its importance to other people.

Original poster
Shitforbricks · 23/04/2015 19:22

It's both, he has ed which he can sometimes get an erection but then it goes quite quickly and he also has a very low drive as well. He has only ejaculated maybe 2/3 times because it's so painful for him, so there's a psychological thing as well going on.

I'm not massively sexed and could cope with it a couple of times a month but I do enjoy it and miss the intimacy that comes with it and I miss the sexyness of it as well. It's now whether I can continue my life with never having it, to maybe once a year on my birthday if I'm lucky, to walking away.

OP posts:
crazyhead · 23/04/2015 19:30

I know you say you love your DP dearly but reading back it is hard to see what you get out of the relationship tbh. It sounds like a lot of hard work and it isn't as though you are trying to save a 20 year marriage with kids involved. You are fairly early on in the relationship so now is the time to ask your if objectively this really looks like a good option for the future.