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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ds9 doesnt want to live with me anymore

33 replies

Wherestherealme · 21/04/2015 20:00

He has gone to stop with his nan and doesnt want to come back apparently im nasty to him (and from the phone call ive just had off my mum hes making it sound like im physically abusing him) he doesnt want to go to after school club either but hes got to as i work 3 days a week.

I no we have all had a shit time over the last few years, but i am trying to put it right. Maybe this is punishment for not leaving exp sooner.Sad

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 21/04/2015 20:20

He sounds like an unhappy boy who is lashing out the only way he knows how.

What do you think he is truly unhappy about?

Is there any truth to his words? Or is it rather that he has unresolved feelings about your split?
Is he finding it a struggle to have parents in 2 different houses and feeling just generally unsettled?

Your child is not "punishing" you. Most likely he is trying to express something, though. Focus on what his real cause for concern might be, rather than heaping blame on yourself for having had a bad relationship.

All the best.

Original poster
Wherestherealme · 21/04/2015 20:25

The ex ive just split with isnt his dad, he sees his dad every other weekend (his dads choice ds wanted every week)
No of course im not nasty to him or physically abusive!! Yes he does get told off and made to do homework, he gets rules and boundaries.

OP posts:
meandjulio · 21/04/2015 20:34

How is he at home with you? Does he seem reluctant to go to after school club or is he usually OK about it?

If he can have a moan to his nan, that's a good thing. Did she get straight on the phone to you or has she in fact been worried for a while?

How about a meeting/email exchange with his dad to see if he's been concerned at all or thinks ds is low?

I wouldn't react to this straight away, but thank your mum for telling you and definitely start having a think. For example, could your work maybe be done 10 - 2.30 over five days instead? (I know jobs like that are gold dust). If his nan really is worried and you think there might be something in it, could she pick him up from school instead?

Original poster
Wherestherealme · 21/04/2015 20:42

Hes normally fine sometimes a bit stroppy but what 9yr old isnt? He has abit of a moan but i have explained that theres nothing else i can do his nan cant pick him up as she works. About my mum we dont have a relationship shes just dcs nan and nothing more (she will be loving every minute of this) and i dont speak to his dad as he was abusive to me (great at picking my dcs dads arent i)

No chance of changing hours i have asked before, only thing would be to hand my notice in.

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 21/04/2015 20:57

(his dads choice ds wanted every week)

Please tell me you've not said it quite like this to your DS.

Original poster
Wherestherealme · 21/04/2015 21:00

No of course not, i said to ds it was better to do eow so we could do something at a weekend

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 21/04/2015 21:34

Was somebody hitting him? Why did he say physical abuse if it wasn't true?

There must be a valid reason why he doesn't want to come back

Original poster
Wherestherealme · 21/04/2015 21:42

God no!!! I would never allow that to happen ever!! Hes got a few bruises from playing football and playing out, but from what i can gather hes told my mum ive hit him and shes seen the bruise on his elbow and hes told her he doesnt know how hes got it, but he did it out playing at the weekend cos he came in and asked me to clean the graze...

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 21/04/2015 22:00

What is your relationship with your Mum like? Is she being supportive of you?

Original poster
Wherestherealme · 22/04/2015 06:52

Not of me no, shes the sort of person that enjoys my misfortune, the only time i speak to her is to arrange contact for dc. I dont tell her anything personal about me as she uses it against me like she is doing this with ds.

OP posts:
Treaclepot · 22/04/2015 07:07

Sorry you have had such a hard time with your ex. How long ago did you leave him?

Often children react when they feel it is 'safe' to do so. If he witnessed violence or suffered the fear from your exes he may have held it all in for fear of reprisals. Have you spoken to him about the abusive relationship?

lexyloub · 22/04/2015 07:25

My dcs love staying at GP it's because they are spoiled rotten there and get to do whatever they want, where as at home they get limited screen time, they have to do homework, no treats before tea and then only if they've eaten their tea.
Your Mum seems quite manipulative she's probably giving your ds free reign and possibly putting ideas in his head or taking an off the cuff comment from your ds about wanting to stay there (because he's getting spoiled ) to the extreme. My dc have said the same when I've gone to pick them up after work that they wanted to stay with GP.
Go and get your son ignore your Mum don't even consider leaving him there his home is with you no one else. Children don't see the bigger picture they're very fickle they only see what's in it for them, have a good talk with your son about why you work and why it's necessary he goes to after school club etc I'm sure in an ideal world you'd love to be able to be there 24/7 for him but life isn't like that and he needs to learn that

IDontDoIroning · 22/04/2015 07:48

Go get your son and cut off or reduce contact with your dm.
He is too young to chose toi r there and she has no legal right to prevent him from coming home with you.

IDontDoIroning · 22/04/2015 07:49

To live there

Floundering · 22/04/2015 08:02

He's 9, he's starting to get stroppy, and is probably confused by the changes in his little life, you need to take control and not allow your mum to manipulate the situation to blow it up out of proportion.

It might be worth flagging it up to school, asking for their support, he may be able to see a counsellor through them, or ask your GP for a referral for family counselling to give him a voice to someone independent. In our sessions we have some time each alone with the counsellor after an initial time together & it helps a lot.

It's a tough time for you but be the person in charge and keep telling him you love him no matter what, he is pushing boundaries as they all do!

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2015 08:35

I agree with pp that you have to take control of this situation. Neither you mother or son get to chose where he lives. He lives with you. End of. Make sure your dm knows this and that if she starts to encourage him in thinking otherwise she will be seeing less of him.

I agree about asking your GP and the school for helps ds does sound sad and confused and it might be that some external help would be helpful for all of you. It also sounds as if you and he need to reconnect and learn to be close again. Can you spend some time each day being close together, reading stories, discussing his day etc? Really doesn't need to be long but your special tie together. If homework is a real issue I would talk to school about this, too because although it does have to be done your relationship is more important right now IMO.

It sounds really hard for you but do not allow this to grow any further at all. If yor dm keeps it up I suggest you stop contact for a while sending emails to politely explain why. Getting external help will also show that you are taking his distress seriously should, god forbid, she decides to try to gain recidence of your son. Keep strong, this could even be a catalyst for a positive change.

Skiptonlass · 22/04/2015 08:38

What is your mother telling him? His actions raise red flags, could she be putting words in his mouth to try to get him to live with her?

I think you need to tread quite carefully here. I'd be inclined to reduce his contact with your mother.

FeelTheNoise · 22/04/2015 09:35

I suspect your poor DS is unhappy and confused because your mum is manipulating him Hmm that's emotional abuse!

Go get your son back, and cut contact until she knows her place. I had to do this with my mum because she was trying to poison him against me Hmm itold her in no uncertain terms that she mustn't try to turn him against his only parent, it's a cruel way of using someone young and vulnerable for her own personal gain. She wasn't allowed contact with him again until she expressly agreed not to criticise me to him.

GoatsDoRoam · 22/04/2015 09:45

Ah, your subsequent posts make it a bit clearer.

It's your Mum.

Part of her need to sabotage you now includes trying to take your child from you. She's the one manipulating him into saying he wants to live with her (or lying to you about it).

No more grandchild privileges for her.

GoatsDoRoam · 22/04/2015 09:48

It may be tough to arrange alternative childcare, but it is necessary: she is manipulating your son, poisoning your child against you, and trying to harm you. Both you and your 9 year old son need to be shielded from her manipulation - especially your son, as he is young and impressionable, and this will cause him huge and long-lasting damage.

Original poster
Wherestherealme · 22/04/2015 20:35

Well ive had a good chat with ds i let him say what he wanted and i agreed to listen if he would do the same. I also spoke to after school club and she had a little chat with him not in a way that would make him think i had been talking about him. Weve agreed to alter his bedtime, to give me and him some quiet time together.

I suppose i thought i was sheilding him from the problems with ex but he has obviously picked up on it all how could i not notice?!??

I have told him he is my ds and his home is with me, i have told my mum the same.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 22/04/2015 20:44

What was your Mum's reaction? (And did you tell her face to face or by phone?)

Original poster
Wherestherealme · 22/04/2015 20:49

I told her over the phone, she told me it would all backfire on me Hmm i said what would?! That im a single parent supporting 3dc working part time and using childcare to look after dc whilst im earning a crust she didnt say much after that but she is the sort of person that would rather me be a drug addicted alcoholic that loses my dc so she can play the martyr. I really dont like her, dc only see her once a week anyway

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 22/04/2015 20:56

Unh Huh. As a PP said, I think she's the issue and not your DS. Do they need to see her at all? (And do you?)

Allwayslookingforanswers · 22/04/2015 20:56

When I was 9 I never had the option to not come home if I was stroppy, nip this in the bud now. No staying at Nans

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