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Original poster

Partner proposed :) 7 year old daughter isnt happy about it

30 replies

bossmum41 · 21/04/2015 08:58

My partner has just proposed and my Son is thrilled my Daughter isnt . She is finding it hard and keeps telling me to take the ring off and she doesnt want my partner in the family .
My daughter and partner get on very well and ive never had any problems till this.
Any ideas on how to deal with this ?

OP posts:
Thatslife72 · 21/04/2015 09:13

I think all you can do is give her time, has she expressed a dislike for him at all? How long have you known your partner? Does she have a good relationship with her dad.? Congratulations btw x

Iggly · 21/04/2015 09:15

Have you spoken to her to find out why she doesn't like him?

Does you partner have a view?

Original poster
bossmum41 · 21/04/2015 09:16

no she loves being with him they get on great .
A year and a half we have been together.
She spends more time with us than her dad, he isnt very good at keeping to the contact order.
i was wondering if she thinks i will get hurt again ?

OP posts:
Thatslife72 · 21/04/2015 09:24

Hmm you don't know what's going on in their little minds do you. She maybe feeling protective over you, or maybe she feels she wishes it was her dad. I remember feeling like that when I was 9. I found it hard when my mum wanted to re marry but in the end I was fine. I would just give her time, give her lots of re assurance she'll come round and when u do get round to getting married she'll love being bridesmaid probably ;-) good luck x

tribpot · 21/04/2015 09:25

I guess it's not a lot of time for her to get used to him, although I should say my own mother met and married someone within six months when I was just 7 Shock (She does say now she wonders what on earth she was thinking to have moved so quickly - fortunately it all worked out and they are still married nearly 40 years later).

We were fine with it, though, I don't remember having an issue. However, everyone is different.

I would just talk to her and ask her why she doesn't want your partner to be part of the family. Lots of reassurance that it doesn't change anything and you'll always be her mum first. I wonder if she's worried you'll have another child and be less bothered about her? What's the situation with her dad, has he remarried?

Thymeout · 21/04/2015 09:28

Perhaps she sees you and her as the couple? Your dp is fine as an uncle figure, but if you get married she feels she will be displaced in some way?

I think 7 is too young to be worrying about you getting hurt again. They're pretty self-centred at that age. That idea is more like you projecting an adult's feelings on her.

I think you'll have to focus on reassuring her that your relationship with her will continue to be super-special, that he won't come between you.

What advantages are there for her in your remarrying?

Edenrose206 · 21/04/2015 09:40

I'm guessing that she may be jealous of your time and attention! She may fear that your partner will somehow be more important to you than she is? Heaps of love and reassurance needed from both you and your fiancé, especially since it sounds as though she has a good relationship with him normally. And congratulations!! I'm sure your daughter will come around once she knows you won't love her any less for having a husband!

agnesnott · 21/04/2015 09:45

My mother remarried when my siblings and I were teenager's. We said clearly we weren't happy and we didn't like him. She never asked why and ignored us. She married and they are still together years and years later. She totally rewrites history and is convinced we were all happy. We barely speak to him and have no deep relationship with her. There were issues she didn't want to see. If it appeared we were spending time with him it was because they presented as a unit - don't see him don't see her. I'm not saying this is case but please listen to her and consider waiting.
I know it's hard but as you can see from long reply this has had a massive impact on my siblings and me.

Original poster
bossmum41 · 21/04/2015 10:02

i dont intend to marry straight away . i wouldnt do that if she isnt happy about it. like a few of you have said , it takes time.

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 21/04/2015 15:35

Love bomb her, spend some exclusive one and one time with her and encourage her to talk ? I think she may just need a lot of reassurance.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2015 15:57

I think that, no matter how long they've been apart, children of that age still seceretly hope that their mom and dad will get back together and your etting amrried puts an end to that hope

Congratulations on your engagement anyway Flowers

Hissy · 21/04/2015 16:01

Talk to her!

She is old enough to tell you what she is feeling. why do you not have this kind of dialogue already?

wannaBe · 21/04/2015 16:07

at seven she is too young to consider the concept of you getting hurt. Children just don't think like that, esp as presumably you and her dad have been apart for some years already so she will have been very small when that happened.

Her objections are more likely to be about her, i.e. if you don't yet live together she may not want someone else moving into her house, even if you spend a lot of time together it's not the same. Also at that age children do very much associate getting married with having babies, so she may be afraid that you will have another baby and she won't be the baby any more.

Does your dp have dc of his own? in which case again, other children will be moving into her house even if that's only on a part-time basis.

And sometimes children just can't articulate why it is they're upset about things, but her fears/upset are valid. Just continue to talk to her, and if any of the above is likely, be honest with her.

Original poster
bossmum41 · 21/04/2015 18:32

Hissy of course ive spoken to her !

OP posts:
Original poster
bossmum41 · 21/04/2015 18:33

Bitoutofpractice i think you hit the nail on the head xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
bossmum41 · 21/04/2015 18:35

wannabe she desperately wants me to have a baby .

ps its not going to happen !

OP posts:
Original poster
bossmum41 · 21/04/2015 18:35

thanks for your answers xxx

OP posts:
Primadonnagirl · 21/04/2015 18:44

I just think lots of gentle affirmation you still love her...there will me lots of time just the two of you etc.. But also include your DP in this..so she understands she can't dictate to you but you are listening to any concerns she has..Let her see that nothing is fundamentally going to change. Plus you will know how to push her buttons.. Eg once you start wedding planning does she want to be a bridesmaid etc? If she gets on well with your DP she also might feel a little jealous..ie you have a nice sparkly ring and he loves you etc. So maybe a bit of love bombing to both kids from your DP too so they can see this is happy news for everyone ?

Primadonnagirl · 21/04/2015 18:46

Meant to say this happened to my DH with his daughters when we announced our engagement. They were much older.but one was delighted the other not so..turned out she just felt sorry for her Mum..not that she wanted them to get back together, but she was worried about her being " left behind" and didn't want to upset her by being excited. Maybe there's a bit of that too?

SenecaFalls · 21/04/2015 18:56

When DH and I told his children that we were getting married, his daughter (a little bit older than yours, OP), with whom I had a great relationship, was very unhappy. After he discussed it with her several times, it turned out that she was afraid that we would have a baby and forget all about her and her brother. This is evidently what some of her friends had told her at school. We did all talk it through and she was fine with it eventually.

Hissy · 21/04/2015 19:09

Some kids/adults even don't like change. Perhaps you can talk to her about change and what it means to her and why she's worried

Spotifymuse · 21/04/2015 19:11

How long have you been split from her dad?

lunar1 · 21/04/2015 19:14

Is there a friend or family member who knows you all well? Maybe you could ask them why they think your daughter feels this way.

They may see something you don't. My mum tells everyone how perfect everything was when she remarried. It was a living hell for years and my brother and I escaped as soon as we could. Our mum was blind to anything she didn't want to see.

Original poster
bossmum41 · 22/04/2015 07:39

primadonnagirl my ex has a partner, the woman he left me for so hes not on his own. so dont think its that.
My D just says she dosnt want me to get married and gets upset if i try and ask why , so im leaving it for now and will as we all say spend more time with just us girls x
maybe then she will open up a bit more.

OP posts:
Original poster
bossmum41 · 22/04/2015 07:41

spotifymuse its been 4 years now ive been seperated.

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