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Relationships

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Original poster

Moving town to be with dp

32 replies

Thatslife72 · 20/04/2015 22:21

I've lived on my own bringing up my children on my own now for 5 years with very little help and have no family living locally. I've done ok so far, they are both doing well at school have friends and I'm close to both my children. I've made some mistakes with relationships, but I also didn't stay with anyone that was bad for me or the children. I've now met someone who we've all been really happy with, he has 2 children the same age we've had numerous holidays and days out together and it's been fabulous for 3 years, no silly games, no real arguments seem to be on the same page and we all just laugh 95% of the time. However it has been difficult living in different towns in separate houses, it would take too long to explain how and why but it's basically time to move to the next stage and I do want to be settled and stable. For many reasons we have decided it's best for me to move to his town, but I'm worried for the children moving schools, worried about meeting new friends and feeling isolated while he had his friends and family around him. I really get on with his mum, but his brother can be a bit rude at times and he has friends that have made me feel unwelcome at times.

I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing, but then no situation is perfect I guess but its a big step I'm starting to panic a bit. Has anyone else done this moving to a new town for their dp. I did it for my now ex husband 15 years ago and well it didn't work out, wondering if this will be any different. Thinking lack confidence too a bit so finding it a but daunting !

OP posts:

cleanmyhouse · 20/04/2015 22:34

I moved for my ex 10 years ago with my 2 kids. Relationship was a disaster but it was still a good move for me. I don't regret it and the kids are very happy here.

Is there anyway you could keep your house on and rent it out for a year to see how things work out?

Milllli · 20/04/2015 22:39

Why cant he make the move to you?

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 20/04/2015 22:44

No I can't do that, as a % of the house is my ex husbands so I'm not allowed to do various things including live with someone as he has equity in it so I have to sell!

I think the relationship is strong enough, he cares a lot about my needs and talked a lot about it all, I have no doubts about the actual relationship it's just the actual moving to a new town, worrying about the children and myself a little I guess. He has nothing to loose I have everything. I do find it hard to mingle with some of his family and friends sometimes IMO x

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 20/04/2015 22:47

What does he do about it when people are rude to you? Does he still mix with friends who don't make you feel welcome?

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 20/04/2015 22:47

Many reasons miiii, firstly I'm not originally from here and not that settled here really, the schools are better were he is, his business is there, his mum is there who is offering help and support with my children too. Wereas here there would be no support and it's a worse area so I do feel we are moving to a better town definately .

OP posts:

Milllli · 20/04/2015 22:47

Has he asked you to move in with him ThatsLife? Has he talked about the future in a way you are happy with ie. do you want to marry him?

ImperialBlether · 20/04/2015 22:47

So are you thinking you'll move in with him, or just live nearby?

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 20/04/2015 22:50

Imperial, he does as he has known them since he was 2 years old BUT he was not happy and did distance himself for some time, he was disappointed and although he didn't make an effort with them they are all part of his social group so they turn up one way or another. We have talked about it many times and he has made clear he's on my side if you like and he won't let it happen again, it just makes me feel a little uncomfortable. People are so judgmental though you know!

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 20/04/2015 22:55

Ohhh we've talked about it loads, we do have good communication tbh he knows my concerns, and does and says everything to try and reassure me. If I became unhappy I know he would listen to me unlike previous relationships, but I don't think he cully appreciates how hard it is for him to have all his family and friends around him while I will have none of that just his to begin with anyway. His children are with him most of the time which is unusual so they are already in the school which will help my children too I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 20/04/2015 23:03

I am happy with him and I do want to live with him and marry him yes. It's literally the move to a new town that is worrying me. I guess I have to be strong!!

OP posts:

Milllli · 20/04/2015 23:14

But what does he actually say about the future with you with regards to marriage (which is what you say you would like)? Its a big move to do on your own let alone with children and if you want the full marriage relationship then I would think you have to know that that is his intention to before making that move.

Sorry if I missed it but why can he not move to be with you and buy a house together in your hometown?

Jackw · 20/04/2015 23:21

Hmm, the negativity from brother and friends is worrying. Have you any idea why they are negative towards you? This could be hideous if he is expecting you to socialise with them in the future. Is he up for the two of you making a new social life together or is he expecting you to slot into his existing social life and put up with the unpleasantness? If so, I wouldn't do it. You need friends of your own. Think about how you will make them before you make a decision.

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 20/04/2015 23:25

Yes he wants to marry me , yes I want to marry him providing it all works out we're both very clear what we want discussed and discussed and discussed yes a big move hence my apprehension. We have discussed him moving here, we've discussed living Inbetween but it's not practical as I've explained! He has a support network that can also help me I don't . The schools are better there, the town is better, more jobs etc etc. we both decided this I wasn't railroaded into it, I'm just apprehensive that's all just speaking out loud really.mits exiting cos it's an adventure but it's scary as it's his patch if u like !!

OP posts:

Fleecyleesy · 20/04/2015 23:28

How far away is it?

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 20/04/2015 23:34

Yeh jack that is what I'm worried about, it's the main thing pulling me back, he's all up for meeting new friends and some of them I get on well with. I think a lot of it has been jealousy we've talked about, we have had a lot of jealousy from people not happy with their own lives from both sides if I'm honest, very sad. I will be expected to socialise with these people occaisionally yes. He's promised me if anyone is ever rude to me in the future he won't accept it and will say something, so I do have his support but never the less yes I'm worried as it makes it more daunting doesn't it. His brother is not really rude to me just sometimes talks to me sometimes ignores me and some members on his brothers wife side who aren't nasty basically talk amoungst themselves and ignore me, I make conversation with them but it gets tiring sometimes. Hoping it gets better. I do make my own friends quite easily, I am a friendly person just lack confidence but I will join groups and stuff and meet people through the school.

People are judgmental and without any reason I get the feeling some people think I'm after his money as he is a high earner and has a bit of money saved etc. his ex wife turned out to be that way so I must be lol. However I have my own money,mown business and can manage financially on my own, it's him in want and they don't know the ins and outs of these things they just judge I guess!!!!!

OP posts:

butterflyballs · 20/04/2015 23:36

I moved 450 miles with my children to move in with dp three years ago. Things are good. My kids have settled in, they were 13 and 6 when we moved, I've made friends and enjoy my life here. It's not easy at first, there were a few moments when I felt out of my comfort zone, I'd been on my own for a long time previously and had lived in my flat for 15 years so it was a big adjustment for us all. I have a friend who moved here around the same time and she's still missing her old town but her family love it here.

I definitely don't regret it and nor do my kids.

wigglylines · 20/04/2015 23:38

Thatslife72 I know, a little of what you mean.

DP and I are considering a move to his hometown. There are lots of reasons it makes sense (including family support), and it's me more than him whos pushing for the move as it's not working where we are.

But ... we're not totally committed to the idea yet. I feel apprehensive about moving to his hometown with his friends. Even though they're all nice to me. It's his patch.

If we do go, I'll just have to do what I did when we moved to the town we're in now where we knew no one. I'll need to get out and meet friends. Mumsnet (and shhhh netmums) were great for meeting mums when I first moved here, and a couple of them became great friends.

You'll meet people through the kids (as well as other places) who are nothing to do with DP, and you'll start to make your own friends. especially if youi put time and effort into it, like going to mumsnet meet-ups or making the effort with other parents at school.

If it's a better town with better schools, and better jobs for your kids if they want / need work locally when they're older, then it'll probably be a good move even if things didn't work out with your DP.

Go for it I reckon :)

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 20/04/2015 23:46

Wigglylines yep you definately know what I'm talking about and how I feel, it's his patch that's exactly it! I have a great relationship with his mum and his children and him. There is one couple of his friends I particularly like. There is the horrible one that caused upset, it really was all pathetic but there are just no actual problems with the relationship itself which I don't think has ever happened before, so my heart is telling me to go for it. I am meeting a group in May which will also be great to promote my business over there. It's only 30 mins away so I can still see friends etc. I just have that butterfly feeling in my tummy I guess!

OP posts:

Eekaman · 21/04/2015 00:05

Schools are better.
Town is better.
More jobs.
Top fella.
Top MiL.
Kids same age so will definitely help OP's integrate.

Whats the problem?

Good luck OP, best of luck with the move, it'll be great xxx

Milllli · 21/04/2015 00:11

He only lives 30 mins away? Did I read that correct. That's the nearest shopping centre to me lol. I live very rural so 30 mins is nothing. BUT if I were you, its been three years, your children all like each other, he loves you, you love him and your both on the same page with regards to the future and marriage then go for it. You will never get on with everyone and some people are just odd and rude and its not worth trying to work them out. You will make new friends and once you have your own group of girlfriends you will feel much stronger and belong there in your own right. Sounds like an adventure

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 21/04/2015 07:46

Thank you, I'm just being a worry wort now it appears to be happening! Thank u everyone xx

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2015 09:20

Just protect yourself financially, won't you? I hope everything goes well, but on the off-chance you do want to move out again, you don't want to be worse off.

Do you own your home? Could you rent it out, if so?

wigglylines · 21/04/2015 09:26

Thatslife no worries, you're like me I think, you need to think k things through, and maybe even be a bit of a worry wart sometimes, to get things straight in your mind?

Plus maybe it feels a bit like you're gambling your family's happiness on your relationship working and maybe the unknowns in that make you uneasy (even if you have no reason to think anything will go wrong).

But actually I don't think that is true. You are moving to a better area, and so that is in your children's favour, even if the relationship doesn't work out.

However something you do need to think about carefully is how will the new situation work wrt who owns the house? Will you pool your resources and buy somewhere new? Or will he put your name on the deeds at his existing house?

What will happen if you split up? You need to make sure you are secure here.

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 21/04/2015 09:38

Yeh your right, of course I have thought about all that, as things haven't worked out before in previous relationships, so I have learnt from my mistakes lol. We have discussed this and actually luckily my sister is a solicitor so I have spoken to her too. I will own half the house we are pretty much putting the same amount in anyway, him slightly more.

I have explained I need to protect my children incase anything does happen I need to have money to move on etc if (I hope not) for some reason it doesn't work out. He's obviously thinking the same as he has 2 children who mainly live with him and is only just recovering financially from his ex wife so we're both pretty cautious in that way. I won't do anything stupid don't worry!

OP posts:

HellKitty · 21/04/2015 14:10

I moved to DPs home town, 60 miles away. All his friends, family and history there. The schools are better, more to do, more job opportunities for them and me, the list is endless.

It is the best thing I've ever done. The DCs have made great friends, I've made friends through his or through my jobs. It was tricky and a culture shock (for him) at first but sometimes you just have to go for it.

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