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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a very casual fling going on & I want to keep it...

30 replies

weedinthepool · 20/04/2015 10:01

The only way I can describe the thing I have with this guy is as a semi detached source of intermittent affection. This guy is hot, funny and clever and we have fun. My abusive marriage means I will never be in a relationship again.

He's quite a bit younger (well 9 years) I have a good job, my own home, 3 dc's. He is studying, temping, lives at home with his mum, no kids etc. Very different lives.

So on Friday night I get a call at 7pm and a message from him asking to meet him at the pub (this is how we work, if we are at a loose end we meet up). I couldn't that night because I was studying for my PhD and I was going out the following night. Forward to Saturday night and I phoned him (pissed) to say do you want to come back mine (yes a booty call, the shame Blush) He blows me off, he's 'studying and too hungover'. So I thought oh well, this isn't working out, sent him a message saying I understand, it's been fun. Good luck. Now he's back pedalling saying he doesn't want it to end, he was having a good time with me. I guess I'm worried that he is starting to see us as something more with his tit for tat behaviour. Or am I barking up the wrong tree? I don't want to completely cut him off either because as it stands it's fUn.

So the question is do I just sack it all off or am I (once again) over thinking things and just let it play out? WWYD please?

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 20/04/2015 10:09

you couldnt do Friday.. he was fine about it but when he couldnt do Saturday yoi decided it was the end of your thing....

I dont think he thinks it's more then fun, I think you where subconsciously anoyed he didnt come round and maybe feeling to attached to him, more then you consciousally thought so ended it.

have you had councling to deal with the aftermath of a abusive marrage.?
you can still have fun but I think itd help loads.

shovetheholly · 20/04/2015 10:10

Wait, what?

The thing that strikes me here is that you're worried about the teenager-style drama of this relationship - which is pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of things - rather than dealing with the real, adult issues that confront you, namely that your marriage stinks and you should really leave for a new future, one in which you could be happy with someone else.

Doing a PhD can be a very unsettling experience. It is isolating, solitary, and psychologically very challenging. To be honest, the last thing you need is more emotional complexity when you're already going through all of that. It sounds to me like you've reached a point where you really need to make a decision about who you want to be for the rest of your life. It might be fun to have these "semi-detached" relations, but it's not a real relationship, a real commitment. You deserve better. More than that- your kids deserve to grow up in as happy a household as possible, where they see good relationships modelled to them. People are always worried about what happens to the children during a separation, but frankly what happens when there is no separation is in many ways much worse.

shovetheholly · 20/04/2015 10:11

(I hope I understood your message correctly: that you are currently married, so this is an affair?)

FujimotosElixir · 20/04/2015 10:11

it seems like you're more bothered that he isn't at your beck and calll..

kinkyfuckery · 20/04/2015 10:11

I think you sound like you could be getting more attached. If anyone is playing games it sounds like you. He wasn't available and you turned it into something more. He doesn't need to come running when you click your fingers.

FujimotosElixir · 20/04/2015 10:12

is the op still married? x

kinkyfuckery · 20/04/2015 10:13

I thought OP was talking about an ex marriage?

wonderingsoul · 20/04/2015 10:13

Sorry have I miss read that..

arw you still married? as in still together?
if so, I would put all your effort into to leaving and makimg a happy home.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/04/2015 10:16

I certainly didn't read that as OP still being married. I assumed because the marriage had turned out so badly she'd put all thoughts of another committed relationship out of her mind.

MarniRose · 20/04/2015 10:20

It sounds like he can take it or leave it, in the true meaning of a FB arrangement but that you're developing feelings for him - if you are going to be completely honest with yourself.

You couldn't make Friday - fine with him. He didn't fancy Saturday - you decide it's not working and are upset etc. that's a double standard and indicates the whole thing means more to you that it does him

Either enjoy it and accept it for what it is or understand that you're just not suited to a sex only thing

wonderingsoul · 20/04/2015 10:23

I want to add that the fact your head aromatically went to the thought he just doimg tit for tat means your still on high alert, and I completely understand that, but some times things are just what they seem, there's no hidden message or meaning or motive.

its been almost 6 years sincw my abusive relationship and only nowjust getting into a proper committed relationship, and iv noticed that im still on high alert and have to double think things.

im sorry im waffling, I just wanted to say I get the defence and jumping straigjt to worst conclusion.

pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 10:24

OP posts here regularly and left her marriage some time ago!

Weed I think it sounds like you were really on the defensive and the moment you thought he was cooling off, you struck first - the whole "I'll dump you first so you can't dump me" thing. Could that be right?

I wouldn't' read too much into him not coming round on Sat - there will be times when he is not available, just as there are times when you aren't.

However if you feel yourself getting emotionally invested and you want to avoid that, then fine, perhaps it's the right time to end it. But if you're both still having fun, why not carry on?

shovetheholly · 20/04/2015 10:28

Ahhh, thanks pocket - you're as on the ball as always!

In that case, apologies OP! Ignore everything I said above!

Viviennemary · 20/04/2015 10:28

I read it as the OP was married. But how can he be coming back to her place if she has a husband there. Confused

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 10:30

Hang on…perhaps he really was just studying and very hungover? Confused

If it's a Friends With Benefits, no strings, sex and casual dating thing then why did you immediately assume he was giving you the heave-ho just because he wanted to stay home and be alone that night?

Original poster
weedinthepool · 20/04/2015 10:33

Yes I've left the marriage after being raped and physically assaulted 8 months ago.

Hmm, ok you might have a point everyone. I think cognitively I'm disassociated but emotionally I might be getting attached. Time to make the cut.

I'm going through a police matter (the person who sexually abused me as a child is getting prosecute) then I have the PhD and my divorce etc so I was counting on this being a distraction but it's obviously not working out Sad thanks all. I feel like a messed up brat now!

OP posts:
Original poster
weedinthepool · 20/04/2015 10:40

pocket you are utterly right, as usual Flowers I guess I was just shutting it down whilst I still had a bit if power and control. It makes me nervous when people don't respond how I'm expecting them too, because H was so volatile. I honestly thought he would jump at the chance to see me on Sat night and when he didn't I guess I just got upset. I'm not ready for this.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 10:43

Flowers weed that must be a really stressful situation at the moment.

Maybe tell him you need a break with the option to reconnect in a few months if you're both still interested?

Original poster
weedinthepool · 20/04/2015 10:52

Yes I am really really stressed. I think that's why I'm behaving so badly. I'll give the break a go Flowers

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 20/04/2015 11:11

I don't think you're behaving badly at all, weed. You're bound to have a whole lot of trust issues after a relationship like that - and by trust issues, I mean something far beyond fidelity/loyalty. When the person (or in your case, sadly, people) who are supposed to love you behave erratically, abusively and cruelly, then it does something to your fundamental assumptions about human beings. It takes a long time to get over it - but you will in time. (I'm sorry for assuming earlier that you were having an affair - your situation is so very far from that).

One thing I did want to say, though, is that I don't think relationships are entirely avoidable. Every time you interact with someone repeatedly, even quite randomly - with a teacher, a neighbour, a child - you are building a relationship of some kind. Emotions are bound to get involved. It's like we can't help caring. Even when we try to hole ourselves off from the world, we can end up attaching ourselves to pets, or even to objects. Provided this guy knows the score with your past, and understand that this is bound to create some issues in the present, then I can't see anything necessarily wrong with you continuing this. Though, of course, you are the best judge of what you can cope with.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 20/04/2015 11:42

shovetheholly thanks for such a kind post. No I wasn't having an affair, but I could see how my OP was worded badly so everyone got confused.

This guy knows a little bit of what's happening, he knows I'm all over the place but he's so kind. Another reason not to see him again, it isn't fair to involve people in my messed up life.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 21/04/2015 09:45

weed - I am a survivor of childhood abuse and an abusive relationship too. And I want to say that provided you are open about the challenges you face, you are allowed to let others make the decision whether they want to be involved in your life. If YOU don't feel comfortable going forward with this relationship, that is fine and completely legitimate, and I say go ahead and finish it. But if you're going to break it off because you're worried about his wellbeing around you, then I say - STOP for a second!

It is a mistake to think that you are an exceptional, messed up case in a world of functional people. Everyone is screwed up in some way! Yes, what you have been through is worse than many people will ever experience, and there may sometimes be an 'empathy gap', because people who haven't been there simply can't understand how deeply your personality and way of being is structured by it. BUT people can and do try and that actually can be enough. My DH does this- he really, really tries to understand, and weirdly it is the fact that he makes the effort but can never really get there that means that he's so great for me. He's a stabilizing force because he doesn't understand, yet he has buckets and buckets of love and understanding for all my weird, screwed upness.

And do not think for one second that because you have some issues and some pain still, you have nothing to offer and should wall yourself up on an emotional island away from everyone else. That's simply not true. You can build a bridge back to the mainland, slowly but surely - and you can exist very happily and functionally between those two places, putting out your love and kindness into the world in a way that is both safe for you and lovely for those around you. x

Original poster
weedinthepool · 21/04/2015 10:01

Thank you holly that makes sense. My instinct is to shut myself off, keep these walls up and never allow another human being to dismantle me ever again. That instinct makes me sad because I'm a social creature at heart, I like to love and be loved. My dc's and I are always bandying around the term love in our safe home now Smile I haven't lost faith in love, I really believe in it's power.

It is heartening to hear about your marriage and your DH, he sounds so lovely and so do you. Maybe in time I can find a relationship where I don't feel the need to sabotage it. How long was it between ending your abusive relationship and meeting your DH? I'm desperate to know how long it will take for me to feel a bit better, the rape triggered a huge amount of flashbacks from my childhood and I feel broken to be honest. I know you are probably not 'healed', how could anyone ever be fully healed with what we have experienced, but when did you get back to being ok?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 21/04/2015 10:01

Ending a fling over a text saying he's 'studying and too hungover' is insecure, paranoid and a bit teenage.

He texted you Friday, you were busy, you texted him Saturday and he was busy, that's life, no? I don't see tit for tat behaviour - it just sounds like you couldn't handle being turned down?

I think your conclusion that you're stressed and have too much going on right now is probably right.

shovetheholly · 21/04/2015 10:14

weed - Flowers for you. It took a couple of years, which sounds surprisingly short doesn't it? That's partly because I didn't 'get mended' and then start to see him. I was still broken when I met him, but I was ready to trust another person enough to help me, little bit by little bit. It's a road with many stages, I think, not a sudden switch-flick from one state to another, and I am very much still on it. He is very gentle and kind and supremely patient even when I get ragey about the past - the type of guy that no-one has a bad word for- which has helped a lot. I owe him so much! At the start, the hardest thing was feeling that I 'deserved' someone like him.

I am 37, and I find that I run in cycles. I have periods where I am steady and happy, and periods where I hit a trigger and I struggle. I'm starting to learn that I will probably need bouts of counselling for the rest of my life. However, I am more aware now that life is running through my hands every day. I spent my twenties paralysed by everything and I'm damned if I'm going to sit back for another decade and wait for healing to happen magically - I think perhaps it doesn't work that way, and you just have to get out there and do the best you can with the time and circumstances you have.