I have a very casual fling going on & I want to keep it...

[weedinthepool]

The only way I can describe the thing I have with this guy is as a semi detached source of intermittent affection. This guy is hot, funny and clever and we have fun. My abusive marriage means I will never be in a relationship again.

He's quite a bit younger (well 9 years) I have a good job, my own home, 3 dc's. He is studying, temping, lives at home with his mum, no kids etc. Very different lives.

So on Friday night I get a call at 7pm and a message from him asking to meet him at the pub (this is how we work, if we are at a loose end we meet up). I couldn't that night because I was studying for my PhD and I was going out the following night. Forward to Saturday night and I phoned him (pissed) to say do you want to come back mine (yes a booty call, the shame ) He blows me off, he's 'studying and too hungover'. So I thought oh well, this isn't working out, sent him a message saying I understand, it's been fun. Good luck. Now he's back pedalling saying he doesn't want it to end, he was having a good time with me. I guess I'm worried that he is starting to see us as something more with his tit for tat behaviour. Or am I barking up the wrong tree? I don't want to completely cut him off either because as it stands it's fUn.

So the question is do I just sack it all off or am I (once again) over thinking things and just let it play out? WWYD please?

If he is kind and calm and incredibly patient you choose extremely well. And if there was anyone who 'deserved' him it sounds like you.

I'm 35, nearly 36 and am just about coming to terms with the fact I'll be in and out of mental health services and on antidepressants for the rest of my life. In my twenties I was striving to beat it and 'get better' it has been a hard lesson to learn that it's not really about winning and overcoming it but more about accepting and managing it. I still get the rage about that! Hence the teenage feelings

I am in quite intense therapy with rape crisis at the moment and slowly but surely the counsellor is pulling off my disassociation and making me feel stuff that I buried and only came out with alcohol. Unfortunately booze has been my crutch but has created more issues as I'm so emotionally reactive when I'm on it. Hence my dumping text on sat night. I sent him a message saying 'Sorry, I was drunk, I'm an idiot' and he sent a nice, decent text back saying I'm not to worry about it, he understands. I'm just going to let him choose now, like you say. Thank you so much for talking to me holly

weed - I can identify with every word of your post. I was emotionally dependent on alcohol for some time quite a while ago. It reached the point where I was drinking enough to make me feel numb 3-4 nights a week. When I was drunk, I became upset, overly intense, and on rare occasions ragey about the past or deliberately rebellious/obnoxious - all the feelings I should have been dealing with in counselling! When I remembered what I had done/said, it makes me hate myself more intensely, so it is a vicious cycle.

Intensive therapy is really, really hard work. And coming out of dissociation can be liberating but also very scary. Take it easy on yourself as you come out of the weird, shadowy, uncomfortable, disconnected comfort zone and into the light. I took up gardening as a way of dealing with the transition, and it has really helped me to nurture things and make them grow. I think any creative pursuit can help - anything that gives time for you, away from the perceptions and needs of others (hard to achieve when you're a mum!).

I agree that making the shift to maintaining decent mental health is a hard one. But I also think it's something that almost everyone has to do as they get older, not just those with horrible backstories. I have been thinking about grief recently, and about how you don't 'get over' a big loss in your life - like a tree that hits an obstacle, you grow around it, and you learn to live and cope with it inside you. Perhaps the art of life itself is learning to do this. We have so much language for talking about life that is about actively and abruptly doing things, about seizing the day, or making things happen - but actually, there is a heroism sometimes to simply enduring and growing strong slowly. And that's what you are to have survived and got this far, and to be trying to get further - a heroine!

My creative outlet is writing, I was gently taken the piss out of the other day because I have 4 journals next to my bed, instead of the normal one There is no great order to what I write but it helps to get it onto a page. I love physically writing with a pen too!

I think you are spot on with your tree metaphor about life, it can't always be carpe diem, it sometimes has to be about perseverance and a steady course through life. I am actually looking forward to growing old, my gran has a peace and tranquillity about her that I look forward too! I hope we both get there

Weed I'm so happy you're spreading your wings!

I was worried about your ex sneaking his way back into your affections after your post a few weeks ago!

I'm pleased you are doing well

Hi quite No I've been really really strong with stbxh, started the divorce, only communicate about dc's, don't spend anytime with him anymore etc. I'm doing well keeping him at arms length