Oh wow. Despicableshe - 3 days ago I finally put my foot down and asked my DH of 8 years to leave. We have been together closer to 15 years, have 2 beautiful DC together, and there have obviously been many happy times shared together. But through it all, always, there have been major issues with his capacity for emotional intimacy, empathy and general behaviour towards me (and other people). The day i told him to go, he threatened suicide in a text to his mum, then turnwd his phone off for 12 hours, only checking in after his sister phoned 000 to list him as a missing person and potential suicide. This is something he has done to me multiplie times, the last time was 6 months ago when i said i wabted a divorce and he actually left the house in floods of tears, wailing at me and telling our 4.5yo son that he could "blame mummy" when daddy was gone. For a short while after that incident, he went to therapy and things were mildly better. But before long he was back to being constantly "sick", code for lying in bed while i manage the house and do 100% of nurturing children. He does work, in a senior professional role, but literally all hours that he is home, he is lying in bed. ANYWAY ive been in therapy on my own for 12 months, and this last week or so, something just clicked in me. I could no longer see past his small but CONSTANT signs of utter disrespect towards me. No access to bank account with our household income and outgoings, never a kind word or genuine intiation of conversation towards me, no thank you ever for dinner made as he walks through the door, the house in good order, but constant criticism of my parenting or discipline choices (in front of the kids, generally mid crisis lol), and flat out rage if i ask for help or dare to point out his lack of support.
And so on the day that i finally said i was done, to have it play out the way it did with his mother and sister getting the treatment he usually reserves for me, and them just saying they would support him through the process of finding a new apartment close to us so we can make this split happen, because this is clearly a toxic situation - i felt really really confident about my decision. For the first two days I felt unabashed relief. I know I have made the right decision. But today, I have had my first wobbles. He texted saying that it's going to be really difficult for him to find a place, and that he feels I am being unreasonable because I should give him more time to be "fixed" and actually our troubles are just because our apartment is small and he needs a shed! I know it's ridiculous, but I just started to think about the happier times along the way, and how even when he was awful, the kids and I were getting pretty good at blocking him out, and I felt...silly.. for calling time on something that I probably could survive.
And then i read your thread. And realised that I've accepted so much shit, and along the way become so far removed from the woman I really am, and the advice I would give to friends or my daughter, and to also read that a year after you left you felt FINE about that decision, has just been the best thing possible.
So thank you. And to anyone else reading this, who is wondering whether they have maybe been emotionally abused....if you are wondering, and it makes you feel confused and yuck just considering that you maybe have...then you need to get to a therapist asap because it can happen to anyone, it creeps up on you, and you do NOT have to live with it forever. There is strength enough in you to get out. Your kids will be fine with it. Mine haven't asked about their dad, and he's been gone 3 days.
Much love.