Helping/Protecting children from divorce

[despicableshe]

I've finally decided to call it quits, but not told H yet. No third parties involved. We have two DC, aged 8 and 4. I've resolved not to say anything negative about their dad to them at all, but want them to feel free to talk about their feelings throughout the upheaval that's ahead.

H has a bit of a short fuse and hasn't hesitated to drag our eldest into arguments in the past :( I grew up in a household without fear and I feel that I owe our DC at least that. I don't think he'll accept my decision without fuss. We had a huge row a couple of weeks ago and he thinks things are okay now but as for me my eyes are being opened and I realise that I've not been happy for quite some time.

I guess I'm asking for some hand holding and also some advice as to what I can do for my children in what's going to be a difficult time ahead.

[heyday]

Indeed, divorce is incredibly hard on children there is no doubt about that. However, there are definite ways to minimise some of the damage most of which you seem to be very aware of already.
Talk to them as much as possible, especially the older child and be sure to listen to their feelings and point of view. Tell them where they will be living after divorce, whether they can continue in same school. Do not blame or slag their father off especially as they are probably going to be fiercely loyal and protective of him. They may also be very angry at you.
Try and make the separation amicable as possible. You can't control your husbands response obviously but you can be careful of what you say and do.
Try not to row in front of them or even over the phone whilst they are in ear shot. Be careful not to be discussing their father/divorce in negative way to your own family or friends whilst they can hear.
Hopefully you can set up maintenance and joint responsibility for children without too much of a fight. It's not going to be easy but stay strong and try to look after yourself amidst all the turbulence.

[despicableshe]

Thanks heyday :)

[Moniker1]

I always feel sad when people post on MN after divorce or whatever and say 'the DCs are fine' - because me and my siblings were always 'fine', in fact we were better behaved DCs and teenagers than most. The reason was because we felt DM had such a hard life due to DF's behavior that we couldn't bring ourselves to add to the problems.

Upshot we never discussed anything concerning emotions or problems..........ever!

Which had problems for us in later life as constantly repressing emotions is bad for you.

So my advice is don't accept 'fine' as an answer. They can't be 'fine' if a lot of upset and change is going on. Make sure they know they can be angry or hurt and you are fine with listening to it and even being given the blame for some of it.

[despicableshe]

Moniker1 you bring up a very important point. I'm going to have to be brave, but not defensive with my DC and open to communication with them, even if it's not what I want to hear.