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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What are the logistics of leaving DH??

32 replies

Millie3030 · 19/04/2015 19:58

Hi I read some very wise comments in the relationship section and was just wondering if I could ask what the logistics are if you want to leave?

If you have a mortgage together, do you move out with the DC? My DH would not be happy if I took DS so would I move to the spare room? Then file for divorce but wait 2 years untill it goes through? I don't understand how you start the process, my DH would dig his heels and refuse to leave and tell me to, but how do I do that if I still had to pay half the mortgage I wouldn't be able to afford rent somewhere new and half the mortgage.

Little bit of info, DH is controlling and can be quite emotionally abusive, it's getting ridiculous and I think I would be happier on my own. Dont want to break apart our little family, but it's only a matter of time before our toddler is old enough to see and understand what he is like. So part of me thinks it would be better, urgh its so hard, I have felt like this a hundred times, and don't know if it's me or him sometimes.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 19/04/2015 20:00

no you do not move into the spare room if you want to leave - you actually have to leave.

SunnyBaudelaire · 19/04/2015 20:01

sorry did that sound snappy ?
Maybe your DH would not be 'happy' but nor will your child being brought up in that atmosphere.
Good luck,

Original poster
Millie3030 · 19/04/2015 20:59

No it didnt sound snappy, thanks for replying. when people move out how do they pay for 2 properties, (mortgage and rent?). I really don't understand how people leave, it's just so complicated.

OP posts:
Variousrandomthings · 19/04/2015 21:07

You visit citizens advice for info, you then look into benefits, get your house valued by estate agents, you move into rented accommodation with your child if he won't leave, you then go into mediation, he sees the kids 2 or so days a week, you both put the house on the market

Variousrandomthings · 19/04/2015 21:09

I think you need to look at what benefits are available, single persons tax, income support etc

Can you suggest a mortgage holiday? Or that he rents a spare room

AtomicDog · 19/04/2015 21:18

Why does he get to see the children two days a week?

Our children 'belong' to both of us equally. Confused

Original poster
Millie3030 · 19/04/2015 22:07

I work part time so probably wouldn't get any benefits apart from a slight reduction in council tax (I think). and could probably afford a very small flat on my own, I looked it prices today. I would need my half of the equity in the house when it's sold, we both paid the same amount for a deposit a few years ago and have redecorated so hoping it will have increased in value, to get a flat.

We would share custody 50/50, though to be honest I don't think my DS would be happy with him that much, too much TV/facebook and no interaction makes him always come to me instead of DH. Then it annoys DH Hmm

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 19/04/2015 22:10

I do not think it would take two years to get a divorce, millie, if you can cite unreasonable behaviour.

The two year thing is if there are no other grounds, and the couple have lived apart for that time. so if you were in the spare room, that might not count.

Also if your DH does not have the time for the child, is 50 50 residency really going to work?

Original poster
Millie3030 · 19/04/2015 22:26

He would contest it though, it's the way he is, he would be vicious and difficult just because he can, and he would probably fight for full custody, he wouldn't get it as he has no reason to, but he would try.

I thought you have to wait 2 years, that's good if I dont, so if he says "No we are/I'm not getting a divorce" what do I do?

OP posts:
yougotafriend · 19/04/2015 22:28

I left in November, he is paying the whole mortgage and I'm renting elsewhere. Dcs are older and chose to stay in the family home. No maintenance changes hands. When the house is sold (in 12 months when ds2 finishes school) we will agree in a fair split of equity given that he's been maintaining it, but also taking into account that I've had to rent in the interim.

Original poster
Millie3030 · 19/04/2015 22:32

Thanks yougotafriend was it your decision to leave? Did he offer to pay the mortgage as you were renting?

I can see my DH saying "if you leave, you must give me half the mortgage or I will take all the equity when we sell", then I would be screwed.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/04/2015 22:41

This is why you need advice from a solicitor. Of course he can't take all the equity simply because you stop paying the mortgage for a few months - I take it this means you were expected to stump up 'your half' throughout your maternity leave?

He can't stop you from divorcing him if that's what you want to do, it's not 1915. I think you would use unreasonable behaviour as the grounds or wait for five years.

Get yourself off to a solicitor as soon as poss so you can understand your situation more clearly - in the meantime I think Wikivorce is worth a look? Good luck.

Original poster
Millie3030 · 20/04/2015 06:05

Oh absolutely I was expected to stump up through maternity leave, every penny I had pretty much. He was loaded and I was brasic for those 9 months off.
Thanks I'm going to look Wikivorce now. 5 years! I will have to wait 5 years if he won't agree to my reason for divorce. Oh god.

OP posts:
dollius · 20/04/2015 06:14

Well there you have unreasonable behaviour number one. Get a list of things like that together and get thee to a SHL (shit hot lawyer), pref one who understands the dynamics of emotional abuse.

yougotafriend · 20/04/2015 06:32

Yes it was my decision to leave, but because he refused to.... We are lucky in that there's about £300k equity in our house but that means that neither of us can afford to buy the other out. He earns more than me so can afford the existing mortgage on his own, however if he found he couldn't, then the house would have had to be sold sooner.

Your H cannot force you to pay. Move out & rent if he can't afford the upkeep it gets sold, simple as that!

dollius · 20/04/2015 06:46

Yes, I would be trying to force a sale of the house in this situation and the court can decide how to split the equity. If you are going to do 50-50 residence then you should both get half the equity. If you will have residency, while he has alternate weekends etc, then you should get more of the equity. It is not his decision to make, he is not Master of the Universe.

Original poster
Millie3030 · 20/04/2015 18:12

Thanks, it's making a bit more sense now, so whoever has the majority of custody tends to get more of the equity, ithe equity would only be about 20/30k but half of that I could use on a deposit for a flat.

You think that's unreasonable behaviour the maternity pay thing? Blimey then I have a lot more things to write down if THAT is unreasonable. i didn't even think that was bad.

OP posts:
CallMeNancy · 20/04/2015 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 20/04/2015 19:02

Yep, the mat leave is outrageous.

Original poster
Millie3030 · 20/04/2015 23:00

Just bought that book off amazon thanks callmenancy.

It's strange as he came home today was really nice and we had dinner and sometimes I think it's easier to stay, to have someone. I'm no saint, i just don't know whats healthy and what's not anymore.

OP posts:
dollius · 21/04/2015 07:58

That's the cycle of abuse. Nice, nasty, nice, nasty until you don't know if you are coming of going. Start documenting all the horrible abusive things he does.

I am a bit concerned you didn't think the maternity pay thing was abusive. If you are feeling strong enough, could you tell us some of the more awful things he has done? There are a lot of ladies experienced in domestic abuse on these boards who could give you good advice. Also if you have a record of domestic abuse you can show, you may be entitled to legal aid for your shit hot lawyer.

You can also get advice from women's aid.

I honestly despise men like this so I hope you get out and take him to the bloody cleaners while you are at it.

Original poster
Millie3030 · 21/04/2015 20:15

Yes dollius that's what I think sometimes then I think its me winding him up. I haven't experienced domestic abuse, he has never hit me. I would say he is controlling and has a bit of a temper. But I'm really not sure if it's more than that, if he is just a normal bloke that gets pissed off and annoyed and slams and shouts etc.

If we have an argument he will seem to step it up a notch, throw things, smash things, snatch things out of my hand, swear, say really nasty personal things.

But I have and can say things to him too, like I said I'm no saint, I have called him an idiot, told him to fuck off, dickhead, twat etc in an argument.

He has experience of domestic abuse and received a caution about 10 years ago when he was with his ex. But he assures me that she was the abusive one and he was defending himself and she regularly hit him, punched him, kicked him in the balls etc. So don't know if I'm using that information in my head and thinking what he does is worse.

OP posts:
CallMeNancy · 21/04/2015 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dollius · 22/04/2015 07:38

Love, he is abusive. I don't believe for one minute his ex was the abusive one. You don't get a police caution for nothing.

Domestic abuse is more than just hitting. You have already cited behaviour that constitutes financial abuse- keeping you short of money while he is loaded. Also verbal abuse and emotional abuse count as domestic violence.

If you have a look at Women's Aid website, you can get more information about this.

dollius · 22/04/2015 07:40

Also, smashing things is a red flag.