What are the logistics of leaving DH??

[Millie3030]

Hi I read some very wise comments in the relationship section and was just wondering if I could ask what the logistics are if you want to leave?

If you have a mortgage together, do you move out with the DC? My DH would not be happy if I took DS so would I move to the spare room? Then file for divorce but wait 2 years untill it goes through? I don't understand how you start the process, my DH would dig his heels and refuse to leave and tell me to, but how do I do that if I still had to pay half the mortgage I wouldn't be able to afford rent somewhere new and half the mortgage.

Little bit of info, DH is controlling and can be quite emotionally abusive, it's getting ridiculous and I think I would be happier on my own. Dont want to break apart our little family, but it's only a matter of time before our toddler is old enough to see and understand what he is like. So part of me thinks it would be better, urgh its so hard, I have felt like this a hundred times, and don't know if it's me or him sometimes.

Suggest doing lots and lots of preparatory research on stuff (finance, legal, benefits, housing options short and longer term, support services like Women's Aid, emotional abuse - he might well continue to try this if you leave) keeping everything relating to this and your plans at work. Make sure he doesn't access your internet history.

Somewhere on here is a sticky thread about divorce and getting the best out of free appointments with lawyers, think one of the regular posters on this was called olgaga.

You wouldn't have to agree to 50/50 residency if you don't think that would be best for the DC.

Of course expecting you to when on maternity leave was unreasonable! Sounds like he could be financially as well as emotionally abusive.

Oh and don't get pregnant again!

I know, the history with the ex is really confusing he is very good with words and says that she lied a lot on her statement and didn't go to court, the police defended her because she was a woman etc. What doesn't help is that he is soooo calm and laid back with everyone else, so he had character witnesses (his friends, colleagues) backing him up and everyone says to me "I can't imagine your DH losing his temper, he is so laid back" and I think seriously? Am I seeing something different? Is it me?

Someone might have to explain the maternity pay thing to me.. I was paid full pay for about 6 weeks then it went down and down to the normal stat pay after 6 months. He transferred enough to cover half the bills and I paid the other half. I suppose after that I had nothing left but he still did, but it's not like I really needed money as I had a baby. Is that not how you guys did it? He would say "why would I pay it all and you keep all yours to yourself? What would you have replied to that?

No chance of getting pregnant again, sorted contraception after DS.

" Is that not how you guys did it? He would say "why would I pay it all and you keep all yours to yourself? What would you have replied to that? "

that we were supposed to be 'partners'.

Domestic abuse is not just physical, includes emotional and financial. You've certainly been financially abused. Smashing stuff and throwing things is not normal.

Is that not how you guys did it? He would say "why would I pay it all and you keep all yours to yourself? What would you have replied to that?

Because the family's income has dropped due to a change in circumstances. That change in circumstance is, as it happens, the fact I just gave birth to your child. We chose to have a child and all expenses associated with that are shared, which includes managing the loss of income.

Put it this way, imagine he was sacked from his job (I've deliberately used an example where there's no redundancy payout) and he couldn't find work for a year. Would you tell him he had to find his share of the household expenses every month? And if not, why not?

Just FYI, my DH has been too ill to work more or less since we got married. He has a small income from a rental property. In a million years he could not fund half of our monthly expenses. Why have I not bankrupted him to get every last penny I could? I assume you are paying half the expenses even now when you're working part time?

By the way, it is surprisingly common for abusers to have a public persona which is wildly at odds with their private one. It's the perfect cover, and serves to isolate you further. Short article from Women's Aid on this.

Yes and if it helps you see the picture from the other side, when I was earning twice what my DH did, I paid pretty much all the bills and made sure we had equal spending money after they were paid.

When I took a year off after my first child, DH paid for everything and I had full access to his salary for whatever I wanted.

Because there is no "my money" when you are married with a child, only "family money".

Millie, my "dh" did the same. On maternity leave (SMP), I still had to pay my half of the household expenses and he paid for his while earning his full time salary. And of course because I am at home all day, all of the childcare and housework is my responsibility too. Grr

You are supposed to be joint partners in the enterprise of raising a child. So one of you stays home and the other pays the bills, and you both enjoy the same standard of living because it's a joint enterprise in which you are equals. He treated you like an employee/appliance. He was wrong.