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Original poster

bit of an odd one...

34 replies

rae007 · 19/04/2015 13:43

Hi all
So here goes. I'm 44, divorced 8 yrs ago. He had an affair, I left and started again. 3 relationships in that time. First was my friends neighbour for 18 months, we got on great but were more like friends, very amicable. Second was for 5 months, family friend, again we parted company on good terms. I had serious trust issues after my marriage ended hence dating people I sort of knew through others.
So I tried Internet dating, had a couple of dates, confidence started to come back. I began chatting to a guy, was really quite normal! We met after 3 weeks, and here I am still with him 3 years later.
The thing is I only met his son once, he is 5 yrs old. Never met his daughter, who is 14. I've never met any of his family or friends. He changed his job and now works 10 minutes from my home, but we are still only having wed nights as date night and he is here every other weekend. He's met my family, my kids of course, and stays here often. I know I am answering my own question here, I am assuming he is still married.
The thing is every other aspect of my life is great. My kids are happy, I have worked myself hard to get a mortgage and slowly getting the place how I want it. Love my job, and also about to launch my own little business venture.
I rely on this guy for nothing, I know I need to move on. I have asked to meet his friends, and said I would like to see where he lives as that is a big part of his life. Every time he placates me then nothing ever happens. I think I need a huge shove In the right direction!
Did some thinking yesterday and I don't feel I've ever been anyone's first choice. Would just like some feedback please.

OP posts:
stitch10yearson · 19/04/2015 13:57

If you are happy, then why rock the boat? Its worked for three years. let it continue

If you are not, and I think that you aren't, then tell him enough is enough. Move on.

Original poster
rae007 · 19/04/2015 14:04

Thank you for replying I appreciate it. I think my main concern is that if he is married then my thoughts are with his wife as I know how it feels and the damage it does to people.

OP posts:
afink · 19/04/2015 14:14

Is there a way you can find out for certain if he's married? Search for records etc? Or just look on Facebook or similar?

kickassangel · 19/04/2015 14:20

When you say he's at yours at the weekend, does he stay over? If not then I would say he's married and you're his hobby.

I know that sounds harsh but do you want to be the OW? Someone will put you first, but not thus guy, ever. Hmm

Do you know his address? There will be ways like land registry which will tell you who owns the house. Presumably a wife would be on the dreads.

Original poster
rae007 · 19/04/2015 14:22

I've looked on FB and nothing came up for him, his ex (or wife) is on there, and his daughter but not him.

OP posts:
Original poster
rae007 · 19/04/2015 14:27

Be as harsh as you want, its probably what i need to hear. Yes he does stay here, from Fri until Sun PM, every other week. Sometimes a random weekend night additional to the usual. Well he says he lives with a mate since his marriage split, sorry I thought I had added that in my original post. Which I think he would have taken me there if he was lodging with a mate.

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 19/04/2015 14:28

Why not ask him outright if he's married?

kissmethere · 19/04/2015 14:29

It all sounds good except for this aspect. It sounds like there is something he doesn't want you to know about. Could he be embarrassed about where he lives? Maybe his daughter is the issue if you've never met her. Three years is a long time to hold off telling you if he is still married. Did you say you've never seen where he lives?

Original poster
rae007 · 19/04/2015 14:44

I have asked him and he said they are divorced, I have also piled the pressure on to meet his kids and friends a few times. Last time was about 2 weeks ago. He said I can meet his daughter this weekend, then nothing happened.

OP posts:
Mini05 · 19/04/2015 14:49

Do you know his address? Just call on the off chance make some excuse why you've called. Question answered!

Jacana · 19/04/2015 14:50

3 yeRs on and you've not met any of his friends, not even in the pub for a drink, is that right?

And do you think that's normal?

Your life, your decisions, but I'd be having reservations [hmm\

Original poster
rae007 · 19/04/2015 14:58

No it isn't normal most definitely! I guess I've kind of plodded along and although 3 years have passed I have questioned things quite often. Time flown by and I just don't feel it's progressing at all. Thank you for coming back to me

OP posts:
kissmethere · 19/04/2015 14:59

Jacana no op doesn't think its normal and she has reservations...hence posting on MN .

Original poster
rae007 · 19/04/2015 15:06

Ok, I just did a company check, his wife or ex or whoever she may be is company secretary. Now she always has been, he told me that. But all I have to go on is a postcode. The annual return has been filed in Feb this year, and they have the same address Sad

OP posts:
123rd · 19/04/2015 15:10

Oh dear. I think he is still married. Sorry

Original poster
rae007 · 19/04/2015 15:15

Me too. I have had doubts for a while so it's kind of a relief to know (in a Wierd kind of way)
Feel such an idiot, let him into both mine and my boys world and he knew I had trust issues. Feel so bad for his wife

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 15:15

even if he is divorced, he is still in a relationship with his wife

or some other woman

either way, whatever it is means that you are always going to be second best

not good enough, is it

Peacocklady · 19/04/2015 15:15

It could just be registered addresses for financial reasons.
Where would he say he was every other weekend if he's having an affair? She obviously knows his work diary.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 19/04/2015 15:17

A friend of mine had a similar thing going on and he was still married and swore he wasn't until she turned up in the doorstep and spoke to the wife.

Jacana · 19/04/2015 15:31

Agree withpeacocklady that could well be true and lives can be v.complicated.

But this where my concern that in this time you've met none of his friends.that rings warning bells for me.

Sorry, OP, just my thoughts

Jacana · 19/04/2015 16:05

Another thought, you might want to check the Electoral Register? Only just occurred to me, sorryBlush

I did this last week when I was checking up on someone. I got up the 2014/2015 roll to check their address against the one I was given, so it would show if your bloke was living at home then and who else was living in the property.

I really hope it all works out well for youFlowers

tribpot · 19/04/2015 16:18

Do you actually know where he lives? Have you never been there?

I would be tempted to do a bit of reconnaissance, or get someone else to do it for you. Then go and knock on the door.

When you say 'they' have the same address, do you mean the accounts have been filed from his address? That would make sense, wouldn't it? Presumably it's the business address.

tb · 19/04/2015 17:55

You could always look him up on www.192.com, and it will give the names of all adults registered to vote at his address.

In case he's opted out, you could always look up his ex, as that can sometimes be a way of finding people by the names of the people they live with.

Romeyroo · 19/04/2015 18:05

Is he not spending the EOW with his kids when he is not with you? That is what I would presume if they were separated. Does not explain why you have never met them, unless contact is in the (former) marital home which would be awkward. Maybe he and his ex have spent three years not actually telling DC they have split upHmm
It is most odd, yes

Lacoba66 · 19/04/2015 18:17

So, in 3 years, you have never been to his home? Not even been invited for a coffee?

I'm surprised it's taken 3years to have concerns Hmm