DP diagnosed with cancer on same day as my sibling passed away from cancer - need perspective as no room in head to take in DP diagnosis

[NewTempName]

I've tried to keep this simple - dont want to give too much specific detail as don't want to be outed but I am a regular.

My sibling passed away less than 2 weeks ago. I'm still processing how I feel as it happened very quickly and due to logistics/travel etc, I was the only sibling there at the v end. I feel very privileged but quite guilty as no one else was able to be there too + it was a shock as I've never been in that position before. I think I'm possibly still in shock.

On same day sibling passed away, my partner of 18 months was diagnosed with a very very rare type of cancer. He seems to be dealing with it quite well and because it's been found early, his future, albeit very different to present, should be ok. He has to have a major life changing operation in a few weeks and will then be on meds for life as well as other things.

Point is, I simply haven't felt as if I've had room in my head to take it all in and be there for him. My immediate reaction was simply to see the worst possible outcome ie I was/am scared. I know that actually DP's circs/future is quite positive but I'm finding it hard to process everything and feel as if I'm having to split my brain between dealing with my grief for sibling and finding the room/space to support DP. He understands and has been marvellous but I think he's beginning to feel as if he needs more from me (he doesn't have siblings/parents to support him).

I simply don't know what to do or what is expected of me. My head feels as if its going to explode and i feel dreadfully guilty ie I want to be completely there for DP but how??

Any help/perspective would be gratefully received.

I'm so very, very sorry, NewTempName, you must be completely reeling from the shock of that on top of your very recent bereavement. I haven't any advice but I know that others will. Truly sorry for your loss and what you're going through. :(

Lying thank you so much.

Keeping you company and holding your hand for a bit, New, the board is a bit slow today.

I haven't any experience that matches what you're going through but since I read your post I was wondering what I would feel if it were me? It must be the most horrendous thing to go through, no time to rally from losing your sibling or even start to come to terms with acknowledging your loss and considering the grief stages.

Cancer is a vile disease and it's completely 'scattergun' in terms of whom it will affect and to what degree. I would know that in my logical head but, faced with this latest diagnosis, I couldn't help but feel that 'something was out to get me', so much loss all at the same time. I would know that it's random really but that's what I would have in the back of my mind. I would possibly feel comforted by someone reminding me that it IS random and it doesn't happen for any particular reason, it's utterly random. I've heard it said that if a person lives long enough, they will get a cancer of some sort, it's just the way it is.

Is there somebody who was involved in your siblings palliative care who could hold your hand for a bit, give you some advice or just talk you through the process and information/help that is available?

How is your partner coping with his diagnosis? Has he made appointments yet to talk this through? Is he trying to keep his fears and anxieties away from you - and you're doing the same? That would probably be what I would do - from either 'side' - but I know that I wouldn't be able to contain it for long. Tears can be extremely healing as horrid as they feel at the time. It's not a crime to give way and show your grief when you are faced with something like this. That's something that both you and your partner need to take on board. You have each other and you will face this together, it's a long road and so much easier if you have somebody else walking it with you. Take help and support from wherever you can get it and especially for you, New, you need additional consideration in dealing with the loss of your brother/sister.

What about your own GP as a first step? Emergency appointment tomorrow to get you on the radar for some help? If you have a local supermarket, St John's Wort is brilliant if you can take it, ditto Bach Rescue Remedy. It really can take the edge off.

I'm holding your hand, New, my heart goes out to you, it really does.

Lying thank you, I'm really grateful to you for taking the time to respond with so much info. Thanks

My DP seems to be coping well now that he knows the way forward in terms of operations/meds etc. He is a great talker and we have spoken about his fears and I've tried to do the same albeit it's come out in dribs and drabs.

I don't think I had quite appreciated how my siblings death would impact on DP in terms of morale - it's an obvious one but I hadn't quite seen it until he told me. I didn't want him to have to tell me, I wanted to be able to 'get it' and support him but as I said in my OP, my head just doesn't have the capacity.

I do have some support but I am quite a private person (although I am v open with DP) I have had to learn to trust and be more open and share what is happening because I simply would not have coped.

You're very welcome, New.

I can quite see why your DP and you have effectively been fencing around each other if that's what's been happening, both trying to protect each other's feelings and not remind you/him of the double-whammy.

It sounds very positive actually that your DP is coping and that he has his 'programme' in place. That must be a relief for him and it does set the scene for him somewhat. It doesn't for you though, you have your DP's illness and your sibling's death to cope with. That's a pretty big ask in terms of providing reassurance to your DP in coping with his diagnosis and the prognosis for the future. I'm very glad that, to an extent, this has been taken out of your direct responsibility as he's now engaged with medical teams who are removed from a personal relationship with him.

Hopefully that means that you'll be able to take your focus off the direct support for your DP to enable a little bit of focus back on you and your need to deal with your own bereavement. It's time for you to have that time and I hope you'll be reassured that somebody else can pick up the slack with your DP for a bit whilst you come to terms with your loss.

Can you talk to your DP and tell him what you're doing to help your own grieving process? It might be more of a relief to him than you think, to know that as he has his 'care plan' in place, so do you.

What are you both doing today?

Keep posting, New, it's Sunday and will probably pick up a bit later.

Am so sorry - you must be in a state of absolute shock still. You are in a really tough place right now and your emotional reserves are at an incredibly low ebb,so it's not surprising that you feel unable to deal with and process what your DP is going through right now. I think you seem to be being quite hard on yourself expecting yourself to be tuned in to what your partner needs right now.

When the plane goes down you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. I know that you said you are quite a private person but is there anyone else you feel you could talk to-its really important - even if it feels like you are going over the same ground over and over.

The other thing is try not to second guess how you are grieving and how you will feel the next day.don't set limits on it - it is what it is so just focus on the here and now, and remember it's baby steps.

The more support YOU get - the sooner it will feel easier to support your dp.

Take care xx

Thank you - yes we are both trying to protect our own feelings. We do need to talk more though. DP has a lot of support from the medics and I'm relieved - because it's so rare he almost has more support if that makes sense. Lying I agree with what you've written and certainly as we both go fwd, the medics/support groups and more people that he can talk to will become a comfort to me I think.

Knackered thank you. You're right, I do need to try not to second guess how I'm going to grieve. I've read a lot and I think I was trying to follow some kind of script in respect to how people grieve. I wanted to know exactly how it would happen, what I'd feel when etc in order to then be able to fit DP' circs around my grief. It all sounds crazy now I've written it down!!

I am desperately trying to take each day at a time. I haven't even cried - I'm embarrassed to admit that as it sounds as if I'm incredibly cold hearted and didnt care - that's not the case though.

What knackered said about the oxygen mask is very true. I was thinking of the need for you to look after you so that you can look after him, but forgot to post. It's absolutely bang on the money. You need to make sure that your needs are met so that you can take care of his and he can take care of yours.

You cannot possibly be cold-hearted; broken-hearted is what you meant, I think. You'll cry when your body goes out of your 'flight' response and the adrenalin wears off. It will come, don't worry about that, and it will start the processes off for you - grieving for your sibling and caring for your DP.

Wishing I could do or say something for you that would help you feel better, New, but there are some very wise posters who have gone through similar and I hope that by bumping your thread, they'll see it. Thinking of you both.

New temp - my sister died suddenly on Tuesday and my mum died 6 months ago - at one point I had both of them in hospital at the same time - mum died and sister lasted another 6 months.

I can't know exactly what you are going through but am struggling too and I really really feel for you.

2 days ago I was organised and in control planning her funeral . 1 day ago I was howling in the mortuary and trying to get her to wake up.Today I am mainly exhausted and low.

I have to sort our ds2 now, but am here if you want to post xx

You don't sound cold hearted at all. When my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer I was angry and reacted like a petulant child, to my shame. (I was in my 40s)

I wish I could say something helpful.

Thank you all for listening and responding.

Knackered heavens, you're also going through so much. So sorry to hear about your DSIS and DM. I think I read a thread you started actually, so very sorry.

thorn sorry for your loss as well. Its really helpful to hear others share their experiences.

Not the same situation, but my FIL was diagnosed with cancer on the day my father died. And I know I just wasn't there at all for DH - I couldn't be. I just didn't have the strength. So I absolutely understand where you're coming from - and I'm so sorry for your loss.

We got there in the end (FIL is fine, and this was some years ago). But don't expect too much of yourself - you will be in shock, of course, and you have a lot to process. There's no right or wrong way to feel. When you're feeling up to it, bereavement counselling could be of great value.

Hassled thank you - I do feel as if I dont have the strength but hate the way in which it is making me feel. I do feel as if I'm failing him.

I hadn't really considered counselling but that's a good idea. Sorry for the loss of your DF.

You poor thing, what a lot to go through.

Have you called Macmillan cancer support? 0808 808 00 00 Mon fri 9 am to 8 pm? They are wonderful.

One word 'McMillan'.

Tgey are seriously good at support us friends and family with cancer. Please, lean on them, let them help and guide you

Thank you - hadn't actually thought of asking MacMillan for support for me. Will have a look at their website.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You and your DP both need to call in as much support as you can. Friends, family, professionals. You both need emotional support.

It is natural for your DP to seek to lean on you a bit, and it is natural for you to want to provide that support for him, but you in turn need to have someone that you can lean on and gain support from. Your DP should be able to say whatever he wants to you, as his closest partner, about his diagnosis, but you in turn need to be able to say whatever you need to someone who is in a position to absorb your stress and shock and grief, over your bereavement, and your partner's diagnosis.

It's the concentric circles of grief - your and your DP are each at the centre of your own series of circles, and you also happen to be his first outer circle.

Take care of yourself. The airplane analogy is definitely true. Please take time each day to eat well, exercise, and do something positive for yourself (an hour with a good book, a coffee with a friend, a bath, a massage, a favorite hobby... whatever makes you feel good).

Goats thank you, Ive never seem the concentric circles and will look up more. Everything you've said is so true.

I agree re the airplane analogy, it is true. I'm so grateful to you and the others who have posted as it's really helped me. Writing things down and listening to your advice and experiences has made me realise I'm pushing myself too much at the mo and reinforced the need for me to find someone else to talk to.

That is wonderful, Goats, very, very profound - and helpful. Thank you.

new Im so sorry for you loss and for this news for your DP.

I am really not sure I have anything constructive to offer, only two small suggestions.

firstly as others have said, make sure you eat regularly and reasonably good food. Take sleeping tablets for now if you have to. If you possibly can in this impossible time, try to exercise every so often.

Right now the demands on you are emotional and at the head level but keeping your body's demands satisfied will help you cope much much better. it's really hard to keep to regular sleep and food when you in the middle of the storm, even harder to exercise, but it will pay off if you can.

Secondly, do you feel able to talk to your DP about your sister or does it all feel too awkward? He needs support but so do you. It will depend on the sort of people each of you are, but if you want to talk to him about your sister but are feeling held back - ask him how he would feel about it. Talk to him about it. it might be too hard for him or he might actually find it ok for you to talk to him.

for you both and wishing you strength.

Meerka thank you. DP and I talk a lot to be fair, my issue is that I sometimes ramble and take a while to express exactly what I'm feeling ie rather than it taking 5 mins to explain something, it'll take 30 mins! Otherwise we are good communicators. Clearly we're both struggling at the mo but I have faith that we'll get there.

I am eating and trying to do more exercise - walked for hours yesterday which was tiring but fantastic.

I did consider sleeping meds but wanted to try and simply try to tire myself out more naturally before feeling that I have to take them.

Thanks again.

Yeah if you can do without sleeping meds it's better, the sleep is more refreshing I believe as sleeping tablets override the natural sleep structure.

Take care

NTM - how's it going ? Am thinking of you x

I just wanted to say what a terribly hard time you're having, how unfair it is that someone should have to do so much, and how well you're coping in the toughest of circumstances.

I don't think you should beat yourself up for not being able to process everything. I think grief is a bit like that sometimes. It is like your mind just zones out in order to allow you to process it slowly, one piece at a time. And yet - simultaneously - it can feel absolutely overwhelming. Be gentle to yourself.

Also, I think everyone deals with a life-changing diagnosis differently. I have seen people go completely to pieces, and I have seen people remain very calm and collected, while they comfort those around them who are distressed. In the latter case, both people did fall apart eventually, but it was actually AFTER the initial shock and operation and recovery that they struggled, not during it - and, unfortunately, by that point many people assumed they were 'over it'! So there are no templates to what is 'needed' at any particular stage. Maybe, when you feel ready, talk to your DP and see what he feels would help, because sometimes what you think is needed isn't what's actually required, and you may be burdening yourself unnecessarily with guilt about this, reading in a demand on you that isn't actually there.

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