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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gaslighting? Or am I wrong?

34 replies

AllTheSabres · 19/04/2015 11:02

I've been in a relationship with BF for almost a year. We don't live together. There have been lots of issues, mainly minor ones but some more bothersome than others e.g. when my 8 yr old would be really rude to me, BF would tell me he needed a slap. He's made lots of little comments that have made me uncomfortable but nothing big. He can be quite unpleasant in the way he speaks to his own DC.

Things have been a bit shit… lots of issues, I get upset, he gets pissed off that I'm upset. And it gradually gets worse. A few weeks ago, we were in bed (sorry for TMI… I will spare you the details). He got carried away. I said no. He carried on trying. I must have said no 7 or 8 times before he stopped. Initially, I said it in a bit of a giggly way because I was embarrassed but I continued to say it more and more forcefully. Nothing actually happened but I had to get really cross before he'd listen. I don't think I should have had to do that - I think if I said no, I said no. He has said he was confused and thought I wanted to. This is a sore point for me as my friend was raped and murdered by her boyfriend and I have been involved in an abuse case (BF doesn't know)

Then, other things… I was upset about a series of incidents (I found someone dead, I was a witness in a crime, someone I knew was arrested for doing horrible things, DS hit me) and ended up crying for hours. BF got cross and shouted at me to stop. Admittedly, that was after about 2 hours of me sobbing and he had offered to make me a cup of tea etc. But he got really angry and said I was being unfair on him.

Anyway… the upshot of all this is that I've explained to him why I'm unhappy (mentioning the 2 incidents above) - that I feel uncomfortable and unhappy. He's now telling me that I'm making him out to be a monster and my perception of things isn't accurate and that I see things through a filter… I've decided he's a bad guy so that's all I see. That I don't see the nice things…

I DO see the nice things and he can be lovely. When he's nice, he's sweet and kind and gentle and thoughtful. But that can be clouded by all the other stuff.

I don't know what to do. I enjoy his company when he's in a good mood - we get along well, I like his DC, my DS has warmed to him and we have fun together. But I'm tired of feeling shit about everything & never knowing what mood he'll be in. And I'm annoyed that he's saying I'm making stuff up - I really don't think I am. I'm so confused.

If you've made it through all that, thank you. I don't really know what I want. I just needed to vent.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllTheSabres · 19/04/2015 11:06

I am going out in a min but will be back later. Didn't mean to post and run but needed to write it all down before it makes my head explode.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 19/04/2015 11:09

You aren't making him out to be a monster - he is one. Run like the bloody wind - he is awful. Saying your child needs a slap is enough. But the rest - he is abhorrent. Why don't you think you deserve better than this? Treading on eggshells and waiting for a few crumbs of comfort when he deigns to be nice to you is not a relationship.

makingdoo · 19/04/2015 11:13

Get rid. It's not worth all the upset for the odd day he might be in a good mood.
Think of the example you are setting for your son. You deserve much better

winkywinkola · 19/04/2015 11:14

You said no to sex. He had to be forced to accept that. Red flag. That's all you need. He's a creep.

Kurololi · 19/04/2015 11:15

I've never replied to thread on relationships and I'm certainly no expert but he sounds VILE op. For your sake and your son's sake definitely sack him off!

Penfold007 · 19/04/2015 11:17

It's not gaslighting it's abuse. Dump him and fast

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2015 11:18

Thank your lucky stars that you do not live together so your break up can be swift. If this is how rotten you feel and this is after a year in, imagine another 5-10 years of this. He will completely destroy you and by turn your son as well.

Honestly you need to end this so called relationship with him now; all his actions are telling you what he is really like and the real he is an abuser.
Abusers can be nice sometimes, if they were not no woman or man would want to be with them. You are caught up in the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that particular cycle is a continuous one. The only way out of that is to completely disengage and end the relationship.

Do you really not think you deserve better from a man?. If so why not. Do you have rescuer and or saviour tendencies when it comes to relationships?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Consider that question carefully.

Doing the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid would also help you.

ThingummyJigg · 19/04/2015 11:18

Everything in your post tells me you and your dc would be much better off without him.

wrt your last few sentences - do you feel apprehensive when you're about to see him because you don't know what mood he'll be in? That's not good. We're meant to look forward happily to seeing partners. Anything other than that, on a regular basis, means it's time to evaluate and probably move on. He doesn't sound receptive to a discussion of his behaviour.

He says you make stuff up and you feel shit all the time. Surely you're better off single.

Cherryapple1 · 19/04/2015 11:20

Do the Freedom Programme here online if you wish - but please do it

www.singleparents.org.uk/learning/the-freedom-programme

sooperdooper · 19/04/2015 11:22

Get rid, move on, you don't live together, you've had all these issues in just a year, you deserve better - so does your ds, would you want him to speak to him the same way he does his own kids?

Make a clean break now :)

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 12:49

I DO see the nice things and he can be lovely. When he's nice, he's sweet and kind and gentle and thoughtful. But that can be clouded by all the other stuff.

Er - yeah! That's why you don't marry someone the day you meet, but you get to know them and can run away if they aren't nice people!

So run away. Please.

redexpat · 19/04/2015 13:44

No dp is better than a bad one which is what youve got at the moment. Please break this off. Why would you stay with someone who makes you uncomfortable, disrespects you and isnt supportive? None of those things are outweighed by the occasional good day.

BlackeyedSusan · 19/04/2015 14:00

he made your upset all about him. crying for two hours was more than he could manage to be nice for and the mask slipped. he will likely get less patient.

oh and poor you Flowers how awful for you and no wonder you cried.

he thinks slapping a child is acceptable, and only one year in. what if you had childrentogether? he would more likely slap them as he will be the parent and is not constrained by other people children don't touch rules.

he was so concerned about his own sexual gratification that he had to be told several times to stop. he has no respect for your boundaries until you define them sharply.

honestly, he does not sound a keeper. he will be more draining than anything he can bring. only a year in and not living with you and he is already straying into dangerous territory. he is likely to get worse when he moves in or if you have a child and he has tied you into the relationship more tightly.

you are worth more than this. much more.

Original poster
AllTheSabres · 19/04/2015 15:24

I know, I know. Yet he's so utterly charming and everyone else thinks he's wonderful. I had an impromptu party a couple of weeks ago and all my friends were saying how lovely he was and how he was a keeper. He was kind, attentive, let us get on with .

I don't really know what happened- he was lovely and it's all been so gradual, I hadn't really noticed. I'm so tired. I don't really know why I haven't ended it.

The silly thing is, I have a lovely friend who was really interested in me. My BF was insanely jealous, even though nothing had happened. But I had a lovely man waiting for me and I stayed where I am. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't feel able to act. I feel overwhelmed by everything atm.

Thank you for your support. I never imagined I'd be in this situation.

OP posts:
Ocho · 19/04/2015 15:36

He speaks horribly to his own children and yours.

He ignored you when you said no to sex.

He doesn't allow you to express your emotions.

You have to walk on eggshells around him, never knowing what mood he'll be in.

He tells you you're imagining it all.

OP, get out of this, it's bad for you and it's bad for your child. He is not a nice man.

Ocho · 19/04/2015 15:39

oh and the jealousy thing is a big red flag too. No good will come of this.

alphabook · 19/04/2015 15:45

Abusers always have nice moments, that's how you get sucked in. And they're very commonly charming and wonderful to other people on the outside. But your concerns are very real and you have every right to want to walk away from someone with this many red flags. I really hope you do.

pocketsaviour · 19/04/2015 15:47

I had an impromptu party a couple of weeks ago and all my friends were saying how lovely he was and how he was a keeper.

Yeah, because they've only seen the "Mr Nice" front which drew you in in the first place. Luckily for them, they haven't dealt with "Mr Nasty" which is who he really is.

What do you need to do in order to end things? Does he have stuff at yours, does he have a key?

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 15:49

If abusers were always abusive they would not get anyone trapped to abuse, would they? They have to be nice to entice you in.

PandorasToyBox · 19/04/2015 15:51

You should still be in your loved up phase, this man is abusive and not even a year in!!!

Get out now, his true colours are starting to show.

He is most definatly NOT a keeper.

Original poster
AllTheSabres · 19/04/2015 15:53

He has stuff here and has a key. He'd give it back & would take his stuff. There are no other ties really. I'm not afraid of being on my own so I don't know what is stopping me.

He wants to come over today but I can't face it tbh. He said he understands if I want space.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2015 16:00

So what is stopping you?. Well I could think of a few reasons.

Your fear of him. A fear of "failure". Your own co-dependency issues. Your overall low levels of self worth and self esteem, thinking that this is all you really deserve?. You being afraid of being on your own (even though you say otherwise)?. That you need a man, any man, to validate you?. Ask those questions of yourself and answer them honestly.

What did you learn about relationships as well when growing up?.

Your friends have not seen the real him at all unlike your good self. Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world and put on a realistic front (which they cannot maintain).

Get his stuff out of your house and change the locks now, he may not want to return your key readily if at all. Get support from your family and friends, start opening up to them as well because abuse thrives on secrecy.

kickassangel · 19/04/2015 16:02

Because abusers don't hand you a card on the first date that says "hi, I'm an abusive twat. Stay with me and I will make your life he'll." they're like con men who come to your house pretending to offer something you want, but there's reams of small print all about how all the problems are yours, they are always right, they can hit you or shout at you when they want. Etc

That's what the nice bits are, a con. Believe them as much as you would believe a smarmy sales person.

Original poster
AllTheSabres · 19/04/2015 16:28

Hmm. Yes. In my head, I know you are right but I've become a pathetic excuse for a woman who feels weak and feeble and unable to face the music. I need a good sleep. I shall deal with this tomorrow. Thank you ever so much.

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 19/04/2015 16:38

You aren't pathetic - it's a difficult situation and many, many women before you have been drawn in by men like this.

Imagine yourself in five years time - maybe you're married and have to go through divorce. Maybe his opinion that your son 'needs a slap' has become him hitting your son. And hitting you. 5 more years of you being worn down and abused. What would the you then tell the you now?

She'd tell you to chuck him out and change the locks. Now, before all if that starts.

In a way, you're ahead of the curve - you've realised EARLY that this guy is a monster. That's good and credit to you. So see, you're not feeble and you're not weak. For yourself and your son, get him out. Get someone to be in the house with you if you think he'll kick off. Any threats, if he lays a finger on you or your child, you call the police. Change the locks once he's gone. Good luck !