29, single and feeling awful about life and the future

[thecolourofpeas]

I turned 29 last week. I have been single for over a year.

I have had three long-term relationships, the first one ended essentially because I was working towards getting into a very competitive career (early twenties).

The more recent one ended also as a result of a career, though it was his, not mine. Work took him away a lot and it became impossible to see each other. I wanted it to work so much but it became apparent that he was happy with a flaky sort of relationship, yet I was more excited to settle down. It broke my heart.

Right now I feel so sad and lonely. Every single one of my friends is in a relationship and living with the guy (as a bare minimum). Most have families, husbands and homes. I have things to do - lots of hobbies and I always organise a haircut or meet up over a weekend...I rarely have an empty weekend. But I just feel like it's all so meaningless...I want to argue over the colour of paint in the living room and want to spend my 30 quid on my haircut on taking my kids out for the day. I'm so done with going out drinking - it doesn't even feel fun anymore, probably because I'm able to do it whenever I feel like it!

Most of my friends got engaged when they were about 25/26, after dating the guy for a couple of years. I feel that as a bare minimum I would want to know the guy longer than that, so that makes me well into my thirties before any of this stuff happens for me. I feel like I am so similar to my friends, and perhaps even wanted the whole home/family life even more than they did, yet I am the one left behind.

I'm dreading going into my 30th year and being this alone. I've started feeling like everything is pointless and I even resent my career a little bit because it took up so much of my time in my early twenties, that now I'm left with just that...my career. I want a husband and family so much. Does anyone have any advice about this stage of life and how to get rid of these feelings?

I don't think I can say anything that you don't already know. You are young, you are independent, you are free to live your life exactly how you please.

These things are like gold dust, and once you have a family you will never have them again. So concentrate on enjoying them, the rest will happen in good time.

I feel similar. 32 with two long term relationships behind me. Having had mental health issues for most of my 20s, I didn't even really get to work towards a career I really want.

I am seeing a lovely guy but not sure it will work out since he's younger and from a totally different culture (he's Korean, I'm British).

People always say it'll just work out, but realistically, if you want kids, it won't necessarily.

No advice, just, I feel you.

I try to take it day by day.

It's hard to say much without sounding horribly patronising. That said, I was very similar entering my 30th year. Single, all my friends were paired off, and I felt pretty miserable.

I met my now husband just before my 31st birthday and things moved fast. Six years later we're married, we've had a blast doing some travelling and we're expecting baby 2 in a few weeks.

Finding a decent bloke happens when you least expect it.

In the meantime, find some displacement activity. Go on some awesome holidays, learn new things, decorate, find stuff like dinner clubs etc. Take advantage of being able to do as you please.

I'll come hang out in this thread because I'm 30 and single, but I'm afraid I can't entirely join in because I don't have the same feelings.

There are many aspects of being in a relationship that I miss, but also parts of being alone that I enjoy.

Maybe it's because my friends are not all at the same stage. Some have babies, some are in couple but don't have children, some are single.

Oh those milestone birthdays eh? They loom up at us and make us panic about time passing and goals missed and then a full life, like it sounds yours is, ends up feeling meaningless and unfulfilled.

OP I think we all have an idea when we're younger of how our life will pan out. For many its to have fun in our 20s, meet the man of our dreams, get married and have kids, all while having some kind of career. And there is a definite 'sell by' date on those ambitions - 28 or so is pretty common I reckon. So for those who don't meet that special someone and have everything fall into place by that magical date it can feel like failure. Doom! My life is over! All my friends are married. Arrrrgggghhhh! I'm alone and on the shelf!

Its not really like that though, I can assure you. Some people marry early and have kids early, other do it in their 30s or 40s. Some never marry, for whatever reason. Some marry, but don't have kids. Some want them and aren't able to. Others just can't find the right time to do it, or never wanted to anyway. Life is complicated and messy and in many cases it varies from the textbook script that we all think we'll follow.

You're young - believe me 29 is young (even if you feel that life is passing you by, it isn't) - and you have many years ahead of you to meet someone and fulfill all those goals you have for yourself. Life is not a script to be followed - its a journey. So please try not to panic and if you don't want to go out drinking all the time, don't! Find ways to give your life outside work more meaning, if you want to. Volunteer. Challenge yourself. Run a marathon. Go and do something worthwhile with your holiday time rather than lying on a beach. Mix things up a bit. You never know, you might even meet the man of your dreams while doing it, but even if you don't it might give your life new meaning and purpose.

Thirtyfever/anxiety.

You want what other people have. Maybe they are jealous of your single life? Who knows?

Well, at least you're sure about what you want - a family.
Myself, personally, not hung up on the marriage thing - I have 2 kids, live with their Dad/my BF. Horses + courses.

All I can suggest is to be careful you are not hanging around too much with friends who are all in relationships - you'll never meet a single man that way.

Also make sure your hobbies are not too girly - you'll not meet many straight men down the hairdressers.

Oh, you're right about not wanting to go out drinking - hangovers get worse as you get older. Or you drink more.

I find it hard to be reassuring without sounding as if I am being insulting to others....

I'd like to say that 25 is on the early side to get married (for people I know anyway), and that if all their friends were doing it, it's possible that some of your friends did it because it was the thing to do rather than because it was actualy right for them.

I'd also like to say that you clearly do know how to have a functional long-term relationship, and that having a relationship that ends is not a "failure". You have learned a lot, hopefully had a good time while it happened. (of course this end up sounding les reassuring to those who reach this age without ever having had a long-term relationship)

No, I think 25 is too young to marry/settle down -for most people esp. if you are going to Uni followed by 2-3 years getting somework experience.

Sorry - 'life is a journey' is SUCH a horrible cliche. It is though and you have had three long-term relationships and that doesn't make you a failure - that actually makes you perfectly placed to have another one, because you now know what makes relationships succeed or fail. I'd be more worried tbh if you were 29 and had never had a relationship.

Quite a lot of people who marry in their 20s get divorced later on. It's often a case of 'inertia relationship' - these people are not deep thinkers and tend to follow the herd, so the person they are dating, who is basically OK, becomes the person they move in with because it makes economic sense as well as being a nice idea, and then when the majority of their friends are either married or about to marry, then they decide it's, well, time to get married. Almost always, one is more desperate not to be single a bit keener on the idea than the other is.

Please don't waste any more of your life in the quest for My Man. It's fine to be single. If, in a few years' time, you find yourself desperate for children and you haven't got a partner who will make a good, willing father, then it would be worth considering whether single parenthood would suit you. It's always worth being clear in your mind whether having a child matters more, or less, than having True Love.
I am 50, and have never married or lived with a partner. I'm actually proud of this - not desperately welding myself to some man has meant no long-drawn-out bitter breakups and squabbles over dividing the furniture, as well as long years of freedom and spontaneity. I have a son, and a good, friendly co-parenting relationship with his dad. Life doesn't have to follow a conventional straight track to the grave, and the more people who reject the idea of longterm heterosexual monogamy as the only valid way to live, the better it is for everyone.

Hi op. I'm single and 30 with no children too. Like you, my career has been my priority all through my 20's but now I'm in quite a good position with lots of disposable income. I don't want children so I can't say anything about that without sounding hypocritical, but I would one day like to meet someone and have the sense of intimacy and coupledom you talk about. Thing is, how many single childless men in their 30's and 40's am I going to meet? Not many! But there really is no rush. 30 is still young!

Don't bother comparing yourself to others - they've made their choices and that's great. It can be hard when you feel your friends and social life move away from you, though.

I'm rambling, sorry. I think maybe explore some singles groups - Meetup or similar. Make time for yourself - work is important but you work in order to pay for things to enhance your life! Just don't feel shit, like you've failed or something.

I think anxiety at certain life stages is normal if you haven't 'achieved' the things you thought you would. Try not to be so down on yourself about it. Youre very, very normal!

I'd say two things to you.

Firstly, the friends you have who are engaged or married or having babies will have their own anxieties. Nobody leads a charmed life, really. I was married with a child at 27, and spent the next few years watching my single friends enjoy a level of freedom I felt I had lost forever, better career progression, holidays and experiences I felt were passing me by. No situation in life is without its downsides. I can honestly say that, although I dearly loved my DH and my first child was very much wanted, I have never felt so trapped as I did in the first few years of my baby's life. I longed for the good old days of waking up when I felt like it and going for a (the luxury!) haircut .

Second, as patronising as this sounds, you're still young. You've got time, sister! Most of my friends were mid thirties when they finally 'settled down' and had their first child. My sister is only just doing it now at 37. 25/6 yrs old is actually lower than the national average these days. And you're only a year out of a relationship you wanted to work very much you're probably only just healing and ready to find someone new. Dont rush. Keep doing what youre doing - stay busy, focus on what makes you happy, see it as enjoying the single time you have left before you inevitably DO meet someone new and move into a different stage if life.

Good luck.

I'd echo some of what others have said. I'm also 30 and single, but I'm recently divorced. I got married at 25, and he's a lovely, lovely person, and I did enjoy the things you mention - I am fundamentally pretty domestic and I enjoyed all of that coupley 'making a home' stuff. But, I wasn't a very strong person when I got married, and I needed someone to prop me up. I wasn't very good at coping on my own. And that's not a great reason to get married.

I've heard lots of people say on here that if you can be happy on your own, then you're in a good place to start a healthy relationship. It feels a bit cold comfort when you're really lonely for someone, but I think it is probably true.

And 29 is young. You've got ages.

Date. Date. Date.

Get yourself onto some OD sites and just do the American thing. Nothing heavy, don't do exclusive until you are absolutely sure, have two or three guys that you go out and have fun with (does not mean you necessarily sleep with) and you will be amazed how suddenly your energy changes.

I came out of a long term relationship years ago and was moping about and took my own advice. It was extraordinary how suddenly I had lots of guys interested and ended up seeing two and finally realised I really liked one of them, we became exclusive, moved in, had our son and are now engaged.

You've just got to get out there and yes you have lots of time.

Another 29 year old here - hello! I have no desire to get married, love going to weddings though. I agree that your life shouldn't follow any script just because your friends are doing things a certain way. Who knows they may envy your single lifestyle. I love my OH but I often wish I was single and didn't have to consider another person all of the time - enjoy it, be happy with yourself and then you'll attract all the right people... maybe some weirdos along the way too but that's all part of the fun!

You don't mention that you're actively dating. If you want a partner, you can't wait for the universe to throw one into your lap. Get signed up on dating sites and get out there!

(See you in ten years or so when you've totally had enough of being in a relationship and are pining for your single days )

Go with the flow and enjoy life. It's taken me to 40 and single again to realise that some others in relationships are very happy and some may seem outwardly happy but are actually desperately sad.

If you want a partner, you can't wait for the universe to throw one into your lap.

Yep. I go through phases of making an effort and phases of thinking if a lovely man falls in my lap that'd be nice, but otherwise I'm not too bothered.

It sounds like you are bothered, so make an effort!

Met DH at 34. Now have the family and whole shebang. Definitely not too late, but you do need to get out and meet people as much as you can.

Gracious, I could have written your post exactly a year ago. Was 30, single, panicking, sad, and terribly lonely. Couldn't understand why I hadn't met my "one"

Actually posted on mn about it. Got given some good no nonsense advice of previous posters on your thread: Shake yourself down, get on some online dating websites and date. American-stylee, coffee dinner bowling bam bam bam. Dated one guy on a Tuesday, was feeling confident and flirty and went for drinks with a girlfriend the next day. Stepped on the toes of my now DP who I have celebrated a year with last month.

You won't find him whilst you're looking. Get out, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, go to a bar / comedy club / golf match / whatever someone invites you to or you spot in the paper. And one day, (hopefully soon), you'll just catch someone's eye... And know

Good luck op. It's shitty whilst you wait, but it's so so so worth it

I echo those who say that 29 is still young. It is. I've heard it a few times myself and I'm 44 and have yet to go on a single date.

Good luck, OP.

I know it's no comfort, but a few years' time and many of your friends will be saying they wish they'd done it your way - taking your time to find the right person, having a career that makes you rounded and financially more secure, living your life before settling down.

I feel very similar to you OP. I've put a lot of effort into online dating over the past six months but for me it hasn't been a magic bullet. 12 dates with not one leading to a second and now fed up of men telling me there's no spark, even on the couple of occasions that I was sure there was a connection. I've decided that maybe I need to try the friends first approach and just meet new people. So joined a volunteering network called JCI (was suggested on MN) and going to make more of an effort to attend business networking type events in London.