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Original poster

What do you think?

53 replies

whoseright · 03/11/2006 19:10

I am a regular, but have changed my name because I dont really like talking about dh on here.

I looked through his text messages the other day, purely because I am nosy, lol, And I found text messages from a very good female friend of his (I know her too) and one read......

I am feeling horny, so thought I would text you.

Another one said.....

Morning Gorgeous.

Now I know nothing is going on, and totally trust him, my problem is, I dont think a woman should speak to a married man in this way, especially as she know me too, I find it disrespectful. He says they are just having a laugh.

How would you feel???

OP posts:
overdraft · 03/11/2006 20:22

Really sorry but he has got to stop it.You find it a problem and he should respect your wishes. I don't think a man should be sharing this kind of talk with someone other than his wife/ partner t.b.h. If it carries on it has the strong possibility of becoming an affair. This happened to us.A friend started toying with my husband then sex texts and they had an affair. When it was happening I was annoyed but felt insecure and thought I would look foolish if I had got annoyed.People even called me jealous of his frendship. I am not a jealous person but I don't speak to my male friends like that.I knew she fancied him but I trusted him completly. I will now always trust my own instincts and will never again tolorate another woman doing this to my realationship.

poppiesinaline · 03/11/2006 20:22

this certainly needs to be addressed. Have you let your DH know how much this is upsetting you and how uncomfortable you feel about it?

Original poster
whoseright · 03/11/2006 20:26

I have not said a great deal to him, but he is upset because he says I obviously dont trust him.

OP posts:
tribpot · 03/11/2006 20:30

I wonder if the reason why you OBVIOUSLY don't trust him is because he is behaving in a way that he would (rightly) find unacceptable if you did it!

MumRum · 03/11/2006 20:34

I would have to say something to her as otherwise I would burn inside for the rest of my life!
even if I said it in a jokey way.. OH yeah and when your feeling horny, text your own husband and not mine..

LaDiDaDi · 03/11/2006 20:40

These texts are clearly unacceptable. I would view them as an attempt, conscious or not, to blur the line between friendship and romance, ie the way that you might behave if you were both single and hoping to get something going. I agree entirely with overdraft in that I believe that this road can easily lead to affairs.

I would go to the party with your dh and I would explain to her, in a quiet moment when only yourselves and your dh/dp around, that you do not think that the texts she has been sending are appropriate and that you would like it to stop. If you cannot speak to her with your spouses present then I would speak to her alone. Make it quite clear that you are not accusing her of anything more than sending inappropriate texts but that nonetheless you want it to stop immediately. explain to your dh that you will be doing this before you go to the party.

tribpot · 03/11/2006 20:43

Or .. forward the texts from your dh to her dp, with a message "I found these on dh's phone, were you aware of them?" (Hilarious but probably not a good idea).

divastrop · 03/11/2006 21:02

personally,if my dp were exchanging such texts with another female,in my eyes that would be cheating and he would be out the door.
and she would be in A+E having his phone removed from a sensitive area.

MsUnderstood · 03/11/2006 21:17

It sounds very dodgy to me, I'd be seriously concerned that something was going on. I saw a man and woman sit together in a coffee area at work today and they were SO clearly shagging it was indecent but I'm fairly sure they thought they were being terribly discreet.

In your shoes I'd definitely go to the fireworks and I'd make it clear to both my dh and this woman that this is unacceptbable and can't go on.

MrsMuddle · 03/11/2006 21:27

So clearly shagging in the coffee area?!?!?

Toady · 03/11/2006 22:01

uurrrrmmm sorry but anyone else think they are having an affair??

Original poster
whoseright · 03/11/2006 22:12

I know for a fact they are not having an affair, they only see each other once a month to go clubbing, she has recently moved in with her dp 2 towns away, my dh works 70 hrs a week, I work for the same company so I know he is at work.

OP posts:
xena · 03/11/2006 22:18

custardo you have such a way with words and I agree completly

bloodyhowler · 03/11/2006 22:34

He goes clubbing with her?Do you go?A late night scenario with alcohol involved and secret suggestive texts?An affair or at the very least a fling

Original poster
whoseright · 03/11/2006 22:37

yes, he goes with about 6 others,(most of which I know) including her dp.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 03/11/2006 22:46

I really think you are having the wool pulled over your eyes. Just because they only see each other once a month means nothing. I know a married bloke who is having an affair, but only gets away to shag this other woman once every two or three months. His wife thinks he works long hours and has overnight meetings/team building every couple of months!

BuffysMum · 03/11/2006 22:52

I have a male friend that I discuss my relationhip with inc sex etc and he discusses his. We are very honest about the pros & cons of our partners/realtionships/ourselves etc and we are a sounding board for each other. There is some chemistry there but not enough for it to go anywhere or anything like that but there is no way we would send texts like that it is just crossing a line and completely inappropriate.

Your dh should be sending you texts like that no-one else!!!!!!

HTH

Original poster
whoseright · 03/11/2006 22:54

yes but I know he works long hours, as I work there too, and he never stays out over night, he cancelled one night clubbing because a couple of other people dropped out, and he is gutted I feel this way and wont go to the party tomorrow night.

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 03/11/2006 23:02

Hi WR. I went through a similar thing with my DH a little while back. The woman in question wasn't a friend but someone DH met through work. I think I would question the use of the word "friend" in your situation - I don't think she would be feeling quite so charitable towards you if it was her DP you were trying it on with...

Anyway, you haven't said much about how you actually feel about the whole thing. You've said you DH is making you out to be paranoid so I imagine you've had words and said how it makes you feel. For me, it took a while for the whole thing to sink in and my DH took advantage of that time to make me feel really rather stupid about the whole thing

Once I'd got my head round it, I got angry - it's really about trust isn't it? You trusted him and this woman to understand that there are boundaries and they both took advantage of that trust to blur those boundaries for a cheap thrill.

Whether there was sex involved or not - and it's a big leap of faith on your part to assume there wasn't - he's the one at fault. You're not paranoid or a psychopath. All you're guilty of is being in love with your DH which is why it hurts you so much.

I think you need to find some time, away from the DCs or anyone else, to have words with him. He needs to understand that what he did was wrong (it doesn't sound like he does at present) and that he can't just brush it under the carpet. He should work hard at regaining your trust and understand that marriages have broken down for less.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not in the "leave him" camp. I didn't leave my DH and (some might think stupidly) I did believe him that no sex was involved. However you need to get across to him that this isn't just some stupid game on his part - it's your heart he's messing about with and you deserve better.

For what it's worth from a total stranger I really feel for you. I had a terrible time and tbh I still don't feel the same way about my DH as I used to. Maybe we'll get it back, maybe we won't but stop questioning yourself that you're over-reacting. As others have said, you can bet your bottom dollar he wouldn't be asking himself those kind of questions if the tables were turned

Original poster
whoseright · 03/11/2006 23:14

Thanks cashncarry

OP posts:
SittingBull · 03/11/2006 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jasper · 04/11/2006 00:21

Personally I can't abide that sort of flirty sex chat but know a few very nice people who do it - I even hate when others text me dirty jokes.
I have said this before , I think mobile phones have a lot to answer for as they have somehow cheapened communication and people feel quite free to exchange this sort of stuff and think it is a good laugh.

I would not find it funny at all and would think my dh and the other woman was being a bit of a tosser. I would not feel worried or jealous.

However if my dh was to check my phone messages I would be very unhappy about that.
Perhaps you have established with your dh that that is perefectly acceptable . In our house the phone checking would be viewed as far worse behaviour than the texts themselves.

divastrop · 04/11/2006 12:00

i dont think there is anything wrong with phone checking,it doesnt bother me if my dp checks mine as i have nothing to hide!

IMO,ur dh is having an affair with this woman,why is ok to have text sex with somebody other than your partner?i really dont see the difference between a virtual affair and a physical one.

elleMNOP · 04/11/2006 12:47

i don't think they are having an affair and I don't think the messages you have found constitute "text sex".

IMO this woman, rather naievely, feels that she is "one of lads" (you say they hang out in a gang and go clubbing) and probably thinks it's quite amusing and rather "geezer bird" of her to communicate in this way with a bloke. Maybe she communicates like this with other blokes too.

I've know women like this, they think its very postmodern of them and why shouldn't they talk about sex like blokes do etc. In a way they kind of have a point BUT as we can all see it's not that simple.

Maybe don't go to the party but I do think you should talk to her when the time is right.

divastrop · 04/11/2006 16:49

what is text sex then if it isnt sending suggestive texts with sexual content to a member of the opposite sex(or same sex if you are gay/lesbian)?