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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think I've finally gone NC with my mother.

33 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 17/04/2015 23:14

You've all been telling me to do it for years. Grin

Years of toxic relationship, poisoning dd against me, belittling me, general nastiness.

My brother cut her off six months ago after she said some very nasty stuff to dd about me and him and then denied it and called dd a shit stirrer and liar.

When this kicked off my brother gave me some paperwork relating so he told me to her will, power of attorney, funeral plans, etc. I never looked at it and stuffed it on a bookcase in the folder it came in.

Maybe two months ago she started going on about paperwork my brother had relating to jewellery certificates, told me to tell him she wanted them back. Plus a chair she'd lent him. He said he didn't think he had the paperwork and reckoned he'd given them to me. She was going nuts.

Anyway he came over at the weekend, brought the bloody chair to me and mentioned about it been will stuff as well. Penny dropped and I found the folder. I rang mum and said Id got everything and she could and get it, she seemed happy.

Anyway she rang last night and I could tell straight away from her voice I was in "trouble". She sounded really down. I asked her if she was ok and she said she wasn't. I asked her what was wrong and she said it didn't matter. She wants me to beg her to tell me and I thought im not playing stupid games. So ignored all the six year old attitude and arranged for her to come and pick stuff up today. Couldn't think what I've done to piss her off.

My brother rang me this afternoon to warn me he's had a massive, pages long, email from her ranting. Saying one of us two have been concealing the paperwork from us and she wants to know which one.

So I'm waiting for her to turn up. Dd in the mean time without me knowing has looked through the folder. My brother had put some emails in there which he'd been sent at the time of the big fall out. I hadn't known they were in there and dd read it all. Pages of nasty stuff. Again accusing dd of being a liar, saying she thinks dd has mental health issues, again denying everything dd said. I had seen these emails before. Told dd to put them back, not to worry about them, that grandma is the one with mental health issues and she's to be treated like a batty lady. Smile and nod and ignore.

So she turns up. I answer the door, she moves away from the door allowing my two dogs to run out past her as she's made room for them to go past her. If she'd come in the house like I was expecting her to they wouldn't have run out. I told her to go in. She refuses to look at me and mutters something. I'm now chasing puppy who's nearly in the road. She's still dithering in the driveway and I tell her again to go in (quite sharply) as I know my other dog will follow her in if she does. So she goes in, I get both dogs in. My dogs like her, she normally loves them and fusses them. She stands with her hands in her pockets, refuses to talk to me, or the dogs, has her back to me.

So I give her the paperwork, carry the chair to her car. Say goodbye and turn round and come in. Id normally have been asking her i for a coffee and trying to sort things out. But I give up, totally wash my hands of her. Fed up of the immature games. I imagine she's trying to punish me as in her eyes she thinks ive kept this folder from her.

To make matters worse dd tells me after all of this that dd has made some interesting sounding annotations to the email print offs. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. She's gone through it with a pen circling stuff like where mum has said dd is a liar dd has written stuff like "no, you're the liar, you said xyz".

My mum is going to blow her stack when she finds this. She'll think I'm involved and will never believe I didn't know. She will take it as further evidence of dds delinquency. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Part of me still feels sad that a 72yo woman now has nobody left in the world. Maybe one friend but she'll fall out with her soon. None of her friends last.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 17/04/2015 23:14

Blimey, that's long.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 17/04/2015 23:25

You could never win. You could never make her happy. You would always be unhappy.

You deserve happiness. So do your dd and brother.

Clearly you can't be bothered anymore and have reached the stage where you just shrug and turn your back. No oxygen for her drama and nasty ranting.

I hope now you will have peace, happiness and serenity!

Aussiebean · 17/04/2015 23:39

A hard choice but a good one for you and your family.

Hopefully she will just cut you off as well but be prepared for the games to drag you back in.

Well done.

Mrsrochesterscat · 17/04/2015 23:55

Does it matter if she blows her stack about the annotated emails? Or uses it as further evidence of delinquency? Who is it going to bother? It may cause further upset to your DD,which you can protect her from, but otherwise it sound like nobody else will respect DM's view. I am impressed with your DD for standing up for herself! Now it's time you stand up for your daughter and not allow your DM anymore air time. This is meant kindly - she sounds very similar to my own DM, it took a while for me to realise I had to go NC for my children's sake so I do understand. But now is the time to turn your back on DM.

VivaLeBeaver · 18/04/2015 00:03

Yes I am proud of dd, she's certainly a bit feisty!

You're right it doesn't matter if she blows her stack.....I guess I'm still scared of her though. I need to keep telling myself she can't hurt me.

The nasty emails will start soon I expect. She's got form for sending them late at night, seven pages long, repeating stuff, ranting, slightly incoherent, full of shit about how perfect she is and she doesn't know what she's done to deserve us.

OP posts:
HowDoesThatWork · 18/04/2015 00:04

Congrats to you, your brother & power to your daughter. Well done that girl.

HolaCaracola · 18/04/2015 01:42

Don't give another thought to the nasty old witch. Your DD sounds like a great kid, but do check and double check that she's ok, even if she seems strong. It must be nasty and damaging for someone's self worth reading stuff like that about themselves, written by someone who's supposed to love them. Do talk it through with her and reassure her..

Elllimam · 18/04/2015 03:21

Could you block her email address? It sounds like you've done the right thing for yourself and your daughter xx

VivaLeBeaver · 18/04/2015 07:17

Yes will block her email. I need to see if I can block her phone number as well.

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Mrsrochesterscat · 18/04/2015 08:18

Ha! That is so much like my own DM, except strike out email and replace with incoherent ranty/vitriolic phone calls at 2 am (there's no proof then so the rest of my family can continue to believe that she is the all wonderful victim and I am a disrespectful and mean daughter). It takes a while to not care about her reaction. I tried just reducing contact, but she would always suck me back in. Going NC has been the best decision and has allowed me to get some perspective and apply normal responses to her shit (eg shut the f up and leave me alone).

Joysmum · 18/04/2015 08:28

Wow you must be so proud of your DD Grin I bet she's hurting over that though, I would be, but I expect you've got that covered.

You just need to make your brother aware now. He won't know you didn't see those emails, nor that DM knows he's sent them to you.

Meerka · 18/04/2015 08:39

Yay for your brother and your DD and now for you!

My mum is going to blow her stack when she finds this. She'll think I'm involved and will never believe I didn't know. um ... she'll never believe anything good of you anyway.

In a way you'll be in a form of shock now and you might find that you think over a lot about her and your relationship in the coming weeks. This is normal. Is there anyone you can talk it over with if it starts to weigh on you? doesn't need to be a counsellor, just someone who knows you. Also your emotions might swing around a bit - sadness, guilt, worry, relief, wondering why you didn't do it years ago, regret. it'll settle down after a while, but it might be a few months.

Life might be like you've had a weight taken off your shoulders after a bit.

VivaLeBeaver · 18/04/2015 08:45

Yes ive warned my brother to expect more rambly emails from her. He doesn't block her email address because he finds them amusing. He never replies though so she thinks he's blocked her.....yet she carries on sending the emails. Sometimes a couple a day. If I didn't know that she doesn't drink you would think she was drunk when you read the stuff she's written. They're insane.

mrsrochester. Yes in my mums emails she goes on about her friends think I'm the worst dd ever, how I ought to be reported to social services. Apparantly one of her friends is a magistrate and reckons dd should be in care. I'm guessing she tells her friends a load of bollocks and she's lying to them so much that they say this, or she's lying to herself and has made the whole thing up and her friends haven't said this. God knows.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 18/04/2015 09:47

She was already in sulk mode when she came round, for a completely imaginary reason. You've done her a favour by giving her something to sulk about! Or DD has... precious child. Hopefully your brother will also be able to extract further amusement from this; he too has had a lot to put up with.

Thank God her stupid sulk didn't result in one of your dogs being run over - doesn't bear thinking about.

pocketsaviour · 18/04/2015 12:42

Your DD deserves a treat. Takeaway tonight?

Definitely block your mother's email address and it's easy to block her from your mobile, presuming you've got a smartphone.

If she calls on the landline a lot, call your provider and see if there's anything they can do about that.

outtolunchagain · 18/04/2015 12:54

I also have a mother who is prone to ranty letters and phone calls , mostly phone because she doesn't want there to be a record .Also what my Dh calls "tantrums' which frankly need to be seen to be believed.

15 years ago I did pretty much what you did , it was like a switch being flicked , I drove away.of course I feel sad that it had to happen but I don't regret it for a minute , not one single minute .

Unfortunately my sibling has some similar traits and is prone to lecturing me about forgivenessAngryII. The last couple of months DM has been widowed and I have done the right thing and stepped up to the plate , however I am realising that whatever I felt for her once has gone , I go through all the motions but really I don't care , she's just not part of my life anymore .However I am her only child in this country and I feel I have to do my duty .Its hard , very hard

Mrsrochesterscat · 18/04/2015 13:04

Oh goodness Viva! this is all so similar! My DM went as far as contacting social services and was so convinced they would send one DD to live with her that she changed her hours at work! (She's no interest in my other DD.) It backfired though because SS did an investigation and told me if I allow her any contact with my children they would consider me as putting them in danger and arranged for specific counselling to help me and my children deal with the impact of her behaviour. Now when family bring up how mean I am being to withhold contact I am able to say SS have said no contact ever - takes the heat off me (temporarily).
You are doing the right thing. This counselling and therapy has helped me realise how much my childhood has effected me, and helped me through the initial months of going NC - Meerka is right, the first few months are tough, but I feel so much stronger now. I wish you all the best Viva!

VivaLeBeaver · 18/04/2015 15:08

Well I've had a curt email.

Xxxxxxx (full Sunday name, only used when I'm trouble). The folder you returned contained annotated emails from last November. If you wish them to be returned please contact me.

My brother was cc'd in. I've deleted it.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 18/04/2015 15:10

I think that's her passive aggressive way of letting me know she's read them. She will also think that dd didn't tell me so she's probably expecting me to be thinking wtf and hoping I can ring up so she can take great delight in telling me word for word all the awful things dd has written.

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VivaLeBeaver · 18/04/2015 15:11

Awful should have been in " ".

In her opinion it will be awful, I don't share that view.

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VivaLeBeaver · 18/04/2015 15:12

outtolunch. That feeling of duty is awful isn't it? I know the stately homes thread talks about fear, obligation, guilt and I can really relate to that.

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Meerka · 18/04/2015 18:56

Wonder if she will return them to you by recorded delivery re-annotated? :)

mrsrochester'scat that must have been some serious shit your mother pulled if SS said that your children are not to have any contact with her. And what a perfect shield for you. If any of the family have even a vestige of a brain, that should get them thinking.

Mrsrochesterscat · 18/04/2015 19:56

Viva I wouldn't read any more of her emails or text messages - if you're anything like me she will get user your skin and make you doubt yourself (her aim) then wriggle back into your life.

Meerka my DM spouts some crazy stuff about me and they were concerned about the level of games she was playing to try and get control of my DD (the one she focuses on). Sadly the rest of the family don't see the "game" side of her, don't believe she would be making the allegations unless true ("but she's your mum, why would she lie?!") and they are the type of people to distrust SS. I went NC with the whole family last month - life is suddenly free of their drama! Who knew it could be so simple.

Meerka · 18/04/2015 20:16

ouf, sounds like a real relief to be NC! she can't get access to your daughter on the sly via mobile or email or FB can she ... ?

CrazyCatLady13 · 18/04/2015 22:27

I'm so impressed by your daughter! It takes real strength to read something horrible about yourself and comment, and send back to the person who wrote it. Well done to her, and to you!