Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Internet dating disappointment

37 replies

lucsnowe · 17/04/2015 22:50

I know I have to develop a thick skin about this, but just
Looking for some support /sympathy really! I have recently joined Guardian Soulmates. Had very little luck with it, not even many 'likes'' so I dothink there must be something wrong with my photo. I met a guy two weeks ago, who I did really like. We had an hour together, as I said I needed to be home for the babysitter. He asked whether I would liketomeetagain, which I took as a good sign. However, I heard no more. In retrospect I realise I should not have done this, but a few days later, I texted asking if he would like to meet again, as suggested; he replied yes and we planned to meet tonight. I heard nothing more until this afternoon when I received a message from the site saying he was too busy at work tothinkabout meeting me and he wasnot 'up for it'. The work excuse is clearly classic and the phrase 'not being up for it' somehow stung. I feel very hurt. Not sure why so hurt, but I think it is (a) washe planning to reject me all along? And duping me? (b)was that on his mind when we were talking face to face about meeting again? (C) why did he ask if I wanted to meet again? As an ego boost? And (d)ultimately I kind of do and don't want to know this: what exactly put him off? When was he put off?

Sorry for the self-pity here. It's such a performance forme to go out, with arranging babysitting, making sure kids are settled etc, but on this occasion, I really thought I would go for it. I do feel profoundly rejected and hurt.

OP posts:
LucyBealesSister · 17/04/2015 23:02

None of us like to be rejected, but really he's no one to you; his view on anything doesn't matter.

Have a read through the dating thread and get some insight into OD and some of the tossers that inhabit it. The folk on there will support you too.

Onwards and upwards.

cleanmyhouse · 17/04/2015 23:05

Rejection is awful.

The one thing I have learned from internet dating is that you have to develop a thick skin and not take things personally.

Original poster
lucsnowe · 17/04/2015 23:05

Yes thank you, onwards and upwards. I love that phrase! I know there are some tossers out there, just thought he wasn't one of them, but I suppose that's a cliche too.

OP posts:
Original poster
lucsnowe · 17/04/2015 23:08

Yes, clean my house, I should not take things so personally. That is my problem, I always do, which is why I am not suited for Internet dating, but I have no ther means of meeting anyone.

OP posts:
Purpleboa · 17/04/2015 23:24

Internet dating can be brutal. People are a lot more fickle than in other situations, the availability of so many possibilities mean that they flit from one date to another. Please try not to take it personally, although easier said than done. Been there, done that, had the rejection! I'm not saying it isn't a good way to meet men; like any form of dating, it has its pros and cons. But just take things with a pinch of salt, and know that it is more a reflection on them than it is on you.

thatsn0tmyname · 17/04/2015 23:28

I would have thought that the Guardian Soulmates would have a better class of bastard. I'm sorry you've been let down. After two years of internet dating I've changed from being a romanticist to a realist. I think a thick skin is needed. Good luck. Onwards and upwards.

HelenF350 · 17/04/2015 23:35

Internet dating can be quite soul destroying, especially in the early days. It does get better though and you learn from your mistakes. I quit about 5 times and swore no more, however I did go back and the final time I think I'd finally got the hang of it. After months of disasters and disappointments I finally started meeting people I actually liked, made some great friends then finally met DP who I've been with for 2.5 years and we are expecting DC1 in June. Good luck, stick with it x

Original poster
lucsnowe · 17/04/2015 23:38

Thank you, purple boa, yes I will see it as a reflection on him. You are right that Internet dating seems to invite fickleness. Yes, that's not my name, I better class of bastard! Charming to your face, but ultimately as unreliable as any other tosser from any other site. Which sites would you recommend?

OP posts:
albal14 · 17/04/2015 23:41

You got further than me! + i'm male, od pisses me off, no interaction, from the ones i liked. A few messages from older females. I probably don't come across very well. So i rather not bother.

Others say, the same, someone will come along, when you least expect it. I know how you must feel, it's horrible. It will pass.

fedupwithbeingill1970 · 18/04/2015 00:57

The killer of Joanne Yeats in Bristol in 2010 - Vincent Tabak - met his girlfriend on Guardian Soulmates....

Just saying....

Summertimeatlast · 18/04/2015 07:59

In some areas you don't get much traffic on guardian soul mates. I would use a more popular site.

You only met the guy for an hour so don't analyse why he might not have liked you. Don't take it personally.

Also, it is common to talk about a second date straight away but then to go away and change your mind. I have done it myself, sometimes for no particular reason, just didn't get the exciting vibes so didnt see the point in making the effort which seems the case with this guy.

If the guy doesn't contact you straight away full of enthusiasm after the first date, I would take it as a sign he is not keen and I definitely wouldn't text and suggest a date myself.

hesterton · 18/04/2015 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovingfreedom · 18/04/2015 08:09

The guy isn't a 'bastard' for that behaviour. He might have felt he did want to meet up again on the date, but either changed his mind on reflection or something else in his life has cropped up that is taking his attention away from dating. Or he might have had a couple of dates lined up and preferred the other person for whatever reason. It's not all about you and it's not a massive rejection. Try to take it less personally in future...every date with a stranger from the Internet is not going to work out in a relationship.

ScrambedEggAndToast · 18/04/2015 08:10

Come onto the dating board OP, it's great Grin

As for your experience, I can totally sympathise. However, if you go on other dates, no doubt there will be times you will be pulling out the rubbish excuses to get out of another date. With online dating you'll find there's loads of occasions where either neither of you fancy one another or only one of you fancies the other. You are just hoping for the ultimate where you both fancy each other (then you can move onto hoping that he's normal etc!!)

Lovingfreedom · 18/04/2015 08:15

Actually calling off the date at short notice is poor but tbh I think you usually sense if someone is keen. You'll meet someone more suitable. Try other sites if you've not got enough choice on Soulmates.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/04/2015 08:17

Hello op.

It is SO disappointing when this happens. But, sadly, it happens a lot.

Online dating is a numbers game. Best to approach it with a thick skin and a very good sense of humour. You'll need them both!

Good luck! There ARE some great men out there

Rebecca2014 · 18/04/2015 08:27

Hey I have given up on dating site after coming on and off it about 3 times!

What I have learnt is you need to let the man chase you, if he doesn't bother then he is just not that into you. Do not take rejection to heart but just move on to the next one. Also don't fall fast as you do not really know what the other person is feeling.

LividofLondinium · 18/04/2015 08:53

lucsnowe, noone like rejection so it's normal to feel a bit shit about it. However, what he did does not make him a "tosser" or a "bastard", just someone who, for whatever reason, couldn't or didn't want to meet you again (and maybe didn't realise until the last moment). It's not unusual for people to end a date with an off the cuff remark like "be good to meet again", to avoid awkward goodbyes, so don't read too much into that. Go with how quickly and enthusiastically he gets in touch after and arranges a date. Don't try and analyse his thoughts and feelings about the date because that way madness lies. There will be times when you meet someone who you may think is nice but you're not feeling chemistry, and you may decide not to meet again. That's life. Have a read of this thread as it has some useful tips on surviving OD.

Original poster
lucsnowe · 18/04/2015 09:14

I understand what you are all saying here. The point is, he didn't suggest meeting again as an 'off the cuff remark', he actively, and quite out of the blue said, 'do you want to meet again?'. I do realise I should not have texted to ask him, and will not be doing that again, definitely. I just wanted some clarity, and felt he had made the first move in that direction on the date.

OP posts:
LucyBealesSister · 18/04/2015 09:55

Don't waste your time trying to analyse him - he's gone, move on. Get out into the sunshine, clean your house, whatever; just get busy.

Original poster
lucsnowe · 18/04/2015 10:00

Yes Lucybealessister! He's no one to me and I will move on. And I will resist any more temptation to analyse.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 18/04/2015 10:03

Rebecca - what if the man is also playing silly frames and waiting for you to "chase him"??

DrMorbius · 18/04/2015 10:04
  • games
AuntieDee · 18/04/2015 10:25

DrM then all the more reason to move on

Rebecca2014 · 18/04/2015 11:55

Drm I dated a man like that for 2 months, I chased him. I ended it and he did not care. A man has to chase you.