Help with meeting my son

[Evertonfc2015]

I'm totally lost and my mum said I should come on here for some help.

I slept with a girl, one night, and she got pregnant. I'm a moron for not using a condom but I though it was ok I she said she was on the pill. Didn't realise that it might not work properly, yes I'm that stupid. But I've learned it. Don't tell me about STDs, mum ripped into me for that

But I asked her do you know the baby is mine and she got mad saying we can't do no test why am I doubting her. I said to her I can't pay nothing until I know for sure. I can't let myself love my son and then Find out he's not mine. But I'm always nice to her and I don't disrespect.

CSA contacted me and then did the dna test for us. So we know he is my son for sure.

My dad fucked off when I was five and I'm not doing that. I'll be there for him. She doesn't want me involved as she has a new guy who she says is going to be thee for her and they don't want me involved. I am a good guy I work hard. I'm going to provide for him and pay maintenance but I want to be there and know him. He's my son.

I said to her i will pay her more than she needs if she just lets me see him so they have agreed I can go round hers to meet him next week.

I'm nervous. I don't have a clue what to do or say but I want this to come across a good man and good with children so she gets a good view of me. I'm going with my mum his weekend and we are getting toys and baby things. But I just realised what am I going to say and what should I do. Shall I pick him up. I've never held a baby before. What should I say to her, like what questions should I ask about my son. I'm dead nervous. Has anyone got any ideas.

How old is he? That makes a difference.

Btw well done for not running a mile. Main advice if you want to keep contact is to keep relationships with the mother and her partner amicable and always turn up when you say you are.

There will be websites if you google that will tell you best play activities and toys by age but don't overthink it.

If he is tiny, take him for a walk in the pram, give him a cuddle. Take it from there.

You may need to think about formalising contact, get some legal advice.

You need to legalise the relationship. You should not feel obliged to pay more than you should or can afford to, just so you can see your son.

They will hold money over you for ever once you start doing it.

He's 4 months. Ok I will have a look around for stuff to do. We are getting some toys in town anyway. I never thought about a lawyer but I don't think I want to make it legal with her she might. Run a mile.

I think you should pay the csa amount and then pay extras when it comes up like help with getting a toddler bed or the like. Or buy extra diapers, formula if needed, clothes.

At 4 months he won't need more than cuddles, a mat to roll about on, some rattle stuff maybe. A baby gym if he doesn't have one. Which is a mat with things hanging down for him to bat with his hands. Ask his mum what he needs.

I think you should get legal advice though, as. Have said. Just initial advice, you don't have to act on it yet, just so you know where you stand.

Good luck.

You are just as much his parent and she can not dictate when you see him because she has got another lover. Unfortunately parents are not seen as equal and that is wrong in many cases.

Yes, you need to formalise this. You are entitled to contact as much as she is entitled to money.

I'm so glad you're going to be there for your son. The other man is irrelevant. He's new and may not stay around anyway, let alone for the whole of your son's life.

You might find that it comes quite naturally to you - he might look like you or look 'familiar' to you and that's always exciting. You don't have to hold him if you feel awkward - might be a good idea to say 'Can I hold him?' He's very little, don't expect him to 'do' much except look cute and wave his arms and legs about a bit. Smile at him and see if you can get him to smile back. Don't be offended if he doesn't.

At 4 months old the mum might still feel quite possessive and protective of him and that's not about you but about him being very little.

You sound like you're going to do a great job.

Of course you can pick him up. They've got wobbly heads, hold on to the back of his head at all times. You can talk to him, that's perfectly acceptable too. Take pics (ask the mum if it's ok, no reason why she would say no, but it's nice to ask).
If you think he's being well looked after/looking gorgeous etc, say so to the mum, mums take an awful lot of pride in their babies, a compliment is always well received.
Don't overstay your welcome, but don't make it a fleeting visit either. Hard to tell, ask the mum to let you know when he's ready for his nap so you're not overtiring him.
Ask stuff like is he a good sleeper, how much does he weigh now, does he enjoy going out in his buggy (I had one who hated her buggy).
Ask if she needs anything, would she like you to pay for a baby group? Bring her some flowers btw, you might hate her but she's your son's mother, in time he'll learn to behave from you also, so treat with respect.
Good luck and let us know how it went.
Ps. You might cry when you meet him. That's normal too.

Thanks I'm feeling better. Her boyfriend thought he was the father to because she was seeing him when we spent the night together. I didn't know she had a bloke. so he has been involved when she was pregnant and she says my son e has a bond with him. I can't stop that and they live together. I don't want to go to a lawyer. I have moved back home to save on Money and to pay the CSA so I can't spend extra money to p get a lawyer. I don't even know a lawyer

Yes I wanted to go for a coup,e of hours but she said he gets tired and I can only spend half an hour with them but hopefully she will let me stay longer. I'll bring the presents and we can play with them tigether. I ain't crying! Not in front of them I ain't cried in front of anyone for years. I'd be embarrassed. It's so tough,pl my mum says if I find it emotional give myself a couple of minutes out the room to get myself together. I don't want to let her see how much this is getting me coz I feel like she enjoys it a bit.

You really need to formalise stuff quite quickly. Don't fall into paying for baby clubs or bits of kit - it'll get held over you.
I think you need to be respectful but not grateful.

Why should he ask to take a photo of his own son? Straight away giving the mother all the power. It's just wrong.

Yes I think kiaora's advice is basically to lie down and invite feet.

I think by legalise people mean get your name put on the birth certificate so you have parental rights without that I don't think you have many.
Well done for stepping up many guys don't you need to give her new partner some credit too it's not easy taking on & providing for someone else's child. If your all grown up and mature about it there's no reason why things can't work out.
Don't rush things or expect too much too soon when you 1st meet your son he will probably cry and look for his mum to him your just a stranger it will take time to build a bond between you but it will come. Also don't expect to have unsupervised visits too soon you need to build up the trust of the Mum 1st, it's hard for a Mum to leave their child with anyone at all never mind someone new in their life (it's a mum thing no one can look after a baby than we can ). Get some legal advice and do everything by the book pay any maintenance via csa or through a bank account then you've got proof on paper should you need it.
If you do want to buy baby things for your son I'd check with Mum what he already has he may not need anything else now but possibly need a high chair or walker for the future that you could buy. Maybe take nappies wipes formula or even give the mum some boots vouchers if your unsure of sizes or brands. Most important thing your son will need Is live security and consistency. Good luck you sound like you'll be a great Dad

The thing to remember is you are his Father and will be for ever. Start with that mindset. Look forward to the rest of your life with your little guy in it. It's OK for you to have hopes/dreams/aspirations for him. Therefore in every conversation with your Ex,remember she is the Mother, but equally you are the Father (No matter what partner arrangement she currently has). Do not feel (or allow yourself to be) marginalised.

Don't mention it (to your Ex) but get legal advice so that you understand exactly what "rights" you legally have. Thereafter if you have to negotiate with your Ex, you will at least understand what you are legally entitled to.

In dealing with your ex be firm and fair, (don't threaten legal action). Remember it will benefit your son massively if both parents are friendly and on the same side.

Lastly! just enjoy your son, I have one and he changed my world completely and brought me more happiness than I knew existed (so has DD).

Half an hour is all you need first time round. Sweet and short.
Hey, those would be tears of joy, not sadness!!!!
You need a plan, ok?
Think long and hard what you want and how you're going to go about it.
you're the father, you've taken parental responsability,you've got the right to visit. No ifs, no buts. Not that much when he's a newborn, it'll increase gradually. Patience. She's not playing you, when they're little/breastfed/not sleeping it's hard to be rational, it wrings you out. Patience.
Never miss a payment. If it gets ugly, you'd have the hard proof you were there.
Ask if your mum could come next time, maybe you could meet at the park if it's nice. But make sure you make it clear you'd like another visit in a week or two.

Good on you for having such a positive attitude to all this.

I agree with others regarding legal side of things and definitely agree with Noeuf about being respectful while you're there (which I've no doubt you will be, given your posts).

The most important bit for you and your son is the bond that you are able to form. Let him hear your voice and get to know your face. These early interactions are all about him feeling safe, special and having his needs met. It would be great for you both if you're given an opportunity to meet these needs.

Best of luck :)

Yeah ok. I'll do that. I'd like my mum there. She's excited.

Well done for stepping up, not all new dad's have your attitude.

My partner had the same problems when his child was born (nearly 6 years ago now) as they had split up when his ex was still pregnant. She made things very awkward and he didn't even know she was born until she was a few days old. She was with someone else by then who she is still with now, so really she probably wanted to cut my partner out of their life as it would be easier for her and her new partner to be the 'dad'. However he didn't make that easy for her and kept fighting, which she obviously thought he wouldn't do.

Anyway, he only got to see her once a week for an hour.
Although we do have his daughter every fortnight at the weekends now and are able to take her away to the seaside etc, she does still try to cause arguments. Like the other week she said that she hated him and there's reasons why he isn't on the birth certificate (so that he doesn't have any parental rights).
So right now he doesn't have a leg to stand on other than he does pay CSA and always has done. He set this up himself, which you should too. And I agree with the others that have said you shouldn't have to pay more just to see him, that's you're right.

Like someone else said there are websites you can google, Justice for dad's is one (I think) which will have more information on.

Good luck and I hope meeting your baby son goes well!

You need to be brave and set some more boundaries - it doesn't have to be unpleasant.

Tell her you don't want to interfere in her relationship, you are just there to get to know your son. You'll give her a bit of extra help with money for a set time like a few months but that you need to be moving out and setting up on your own.

Thank her partner for being supportive, tell her it's ok and you understand this is all difficult for her but you really would like to build up the contact in a way that everyone is comfortable with.

If it doesn't work then you can think about mediation which I think is still free on legal aid. You have a meeting with her and someone who is trained and not personally involved is there to make sure the discussions are fair.

If that doesn't work you could look at solicitors letters and then courts.

It is highly unlikely that you will have to accept no involvement with your child unless you give up yourself and keep out of his life for a long period.

You do sound lovely though and your mum too. We all make foolish mistakes - the mark of a good person is ability to step up, be responsible and learn from it. I think you'll make an excellent father on the basis of that if you can get a bit more confident about asserting yourself. I don't think you were wrong to ask for a DNA though I'm sure you can see why she might be upset even if she was with someone else at the time - being upset is not always reasonable!

And don't worry about crying or holding the baby - most new parents are in exactly the same position. Do what feels natural and ask for help if you don't know!

And don't Google those justice type groups! Being confrontational about it isn't great for anyone. You'd be better off with www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=factsheets and www.resolution.org.uk

If you want to build a relationship with your son, I'd urge you to have your name added to the birth certificate, as others have already advised. The baby's mother and her partner have formed a nice little family unit and, I'm afraid, they regard you as a bit of an inconvenience and try to edge you out. You don't need to buy him lots of stuff - just love him and be someone whom he can depend upon as he grows up. Good luck.