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Relationships

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Original poster

Struggling to deal with in-laws, MIL especially

38 replies

runningoutofpatience · 17/04/2015 12:32

Dh and I come from different backgrounds socially, and I find his family very hard to deal with. I find them to be loud, rough and generally obnoxious, and I find their attitudes to work and general priorities to be skewed and strange.

DH himself has a very good work ethic, but he seems to be the only one.

Since DS was born, MIL has become more and more difficult for me to deal with. She looks after DS 2x a week while I am at work, even though I don't like it, and I have to do all the running as DH doesn't drive and she feels her health is not good enough to carry DS in and out of the car. (he is 14months) I don't like the way she speaks around him, she is rough and loud and generally uncouth.

She has very old fashioned expectations of me as a wife, and treats me accordingly. Small things like telling me what she wanted for Mother's Day rather than DH, fully expecting me to get it and then not bothing to say thankyou when she got it.

She also gets stroppy and angry that my parents see more of DS than her, but that is because when I have time off (I work full time) I choose to spend time with my mother (especially if DH is working, he does shifts). I would not choose to spend time with MIL. When DH is not working, he packs DS off to whichever grandparent is scheduled to have him that day and takes the time to himself.

She only has 2 days a week childcare because she demanded it. She knew that my parents were doing more and DH was supposed to do the time that I was at work and he wasn't, but she insisted DS be sent to her instead. I don't know if DH's ready agreement was laziness or aquiescence.

She has also told me that although she followed our 'rules' with DS (eg not feeding him sweets and things when he was under 6months) she would be doing whatever she wants with DS2 when he is born in August. When I told DH she said this he brushed if off and said she is all talk.

The other thing that annoys me is that she has a very false impression of DH and his involvement. I do all the running and organising and most of the work with DS. I update DH on what is happening and he then repeats these updates to his mother as if he is in control, then I get them parroted back to me as "Our (DH) was telling me...." - like it is going to be news to me. She thinks he is very hands on and it just annoys me that she has this skewed image. He is not a bad dad, just not as impressive as he lets himself on to be.

I don't really have a question, just finding it all quite frustrating and need to get it off my chest.

Off to have lunch now - pregnant and hormonal and needing food.

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 17/04/2015 12:36

as usual with these threads, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

victoryinthekitchen · 17/04/2015 12:38

is there anyway you can pay for childcare instead of relying on in-law? I find putting space between you can ease things and ease the pressue, I do sympathise as it's very hard to keep the peace sometimes.

cailindana · 17/04/2015 12:39

So the problem is your DH is lazy and doesn't care about your wishes or feelings and your MIL is getting it in the neck for being "uncouth."

Applecross · 17/04/2015 12:40

Personally I'd let DH overstating his involvement to his mum go - seems not worth worrying about, but on the other hand I'd tackle the fact that she's doing childcare and you're not happy about it - I can quite see why and I think you should have it out with your DH that you'd rather pay for nursery - personally
I'd sell it as better for ds rather than going negative about his mum.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2015 12:56

Your DH is as much a problem as his mother is towards you. Like mother, like son.

re your comment:-
"She only has 2 days a week childcare because she demanded it. She knew that my parents were doing more and DH was supposed to do the time that I was at work and he wasn't, but she insisted DS be sent to her instead. I don't know if DH's ready agreement was laziness or aquiescence".

Why did you give in as a couple to his mother's demands?. This only served to further reinforce and reward her bad behaviour. Probably a bit of both re your DHs agreement, he wants to keep in her good books. Is your DH a bystander who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life?. Is he really in fear, obligation and guilt with regards to her?.

Finding alternative childcare now for your DS would be a good start.

You need to have and maintain firmer, higher and more consistent boundaries re his mother; I would be telling her not to talk to you about what she wants for mothers day but to tell her son instead. Bat all such demands from her directly to him.

You also need to start telling her (although you may well not be believed) that her darling boy is not as involved as he states he is. This could be very much a like mother, like son situation,

I would also further closely look at your own relationship with your H, such men never change. Is he also going to farm out your second and as yet unborn child to any available grandparent as well?. What message does that send you as well as your children?.

Heels99 · 17/04/2015 13:00

Find alternative childcare to mil. You do not have to let her look after your child.

Meerka · 17/04/2015 13:05

Yep, alternative childcare. Then stand up to her. And be prepared for a lot of arguments and fallout but this is something you need to do. If she's doing it 'her way' with your second son you can't allow her to carry on; and since you dislike the way she speaks etc, she's not the best person to look after him.

If she is rough and obnoxious and loud, you're going to have to face that battle. But it's worth fighting. Also stop doing your husband's work. When she doesn't like it, just ask her why she's telling you and not him!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/04/2015 13:08

I'd have to agree with WhoNickedMyName. I think your issues are not 100% with your MIL but with your DH.

I have to do all the running as DH doesn't drive
She only has 2 days a week childcare because she demanded it. I don't know if DH's ready agreement was laziness or aquiescence.
I do all the running and organising and most of the work with DS. I update DH on what is happening and he then repeats these updates to his mother as if he is in control

One of the biggies -
When DH is not working, he packs DS off to whichever grandparent is scheduled to have him that day and takes the time to himself.

You seem to do a huge chunk of the work relating to getting your DS to and from your inlaws and from your own parents place and associated childcare arrangements. What would happen if your DH had to actually arrange the childcare and look after his son? What would happen if your parents and his weren't available for a day so he had to step up? Finally, do you get a day off to have the time to yourself?

I'd try and calmly (or as calmly as possible) have a chat with your DH to sort out what is going to happen when bump is no longer bump but a baby and what you'll be doing for childcare then. I'd try and arrange for DS to be in a creche now and that will mean that when you have your baby the two kids will be in the same place. I would try and sell it to your DH as it being a good step for your DS to be interacting with the kids of his own age in creche rather than you wanting to get him away from this uncouth woman (your words). You could also try and sell it that by putting DS into creche now, that the grandparents (both sides of the family) can go back to being just grandparents and not childminders who happen to be grandparents too. They will dote on their grandchildren more as a result and may be available for babysitting duties more readily too.

JassyRadlett · 17/04/2015 13:14

If her health isn't good enough to get a small child in and out of a car, how on warth is it good enough to look after one child, let alone two?

Isetan · 17/04/2015 16:52

She is looking after your child because your lazy arse H couldn't be arsed and his Mum grabbed her chance.

This is a (not so dear) H problem, if he had firm boundaries and enforced them, she wouldn't be 'your' problem, she'd be his (which is exactly why he doesn't).

If you don't want this woman dictating what happens with 'your' child then you are going to have to stand up to both her and her son.

Come on OP, stand up for yourself.

SylvaniansAtEase · 17/04/2015 17:49

Your lazy slightly dishonest backsliding DH is your problem.

Sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. So his work ethic is fine. Pity about his parenting ethic, eh?

Original poster

runningoutofpatience · 17/04/2015 19:52

Update - I am taking deep breaths today. I was at work, he had day off. My parents had DS for the day, I dropped him off and picked him up and hung out for a bit with them.

DH arrived home from hanging with his brother just after DS went to bed. Parenting time today - nil.

OP posts:

Larrytheleprechaun · 17/04/2015 20:33

I wouldnt be taking deep breaths at all at this stage. I think it is time to let them out loudly in the direction of your DH.

waiting78 · 17/04/2015 20:47

Agree you have a DH problem. He is getting an easy life from you and mummy sorting his life out and absolving him of parental responsibility. Until you decide how long you can put up with this for, nothing will change

waiting78 · 17/04/2015 20:48

Why did you take DS to your parents when your DH was at home?

ROARmeow · 19/04/2015 20:34

Your DH sounds like a waste of space.

Your MIL might be annoying, so I advise getting online to research local nurseries/childminders. You'd be doing your sanity and her health good. She isn't able to put a 14 month old in a carseat? God help her when your DS grows a bit and is darting around under her feet.

What does your DM say about your lazy DH? Are you not embarrassed that he won't even look after his own child?

Original poster

runningoutofpatience · 21/04/2015 12:22

I don't like labelling DH as a waste of space, he is a good guy, and certainly not ever abusive or nasty. I do agree that he can be selfish and thoughtless, and that he needs to take on more responsibility instead of me always telling him what he needs to do.

To be fair, anything I ask him/ tell him to do, he generally does. There are a few exceptions - I am still waiting for him to get a driving license.

He will say that the grandparents have their schedules and that to deprive them of their days with DS is unfair/mean....

I honestly think my life would be easier if I didn't have to deal with his family, but that is not feasible. Due to his shifts I will always have to do some drop-offs or pickups. He will not hear of taking his mum's days away from her, he argues vehemently that she can cope fine with the help of his older brother and that she loves to have DS.

I just get so irritated.

OP posts:

EuphemiaCoxton · 21/04/2015 12:45

Tell him depriving his son of days with his father is unfair/mean.

Original poster

runningoutofpatience · 21/04/2015 13:10

Euphemia, I did say to him last night that I think DS misses him and would like more time with him. He agreed but didn't actually go so far as to organise said time.

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 21/04/2015 14:18

ah I see. you just wanted to vent, didn't really want any actual advice. OK, crack on continuing to facilitate your husband's all-round selfishness and laziness. good luck.

ptumbi · 21/04/2015 15:13

Patience - he has a rather good life, doesn't he? Shift work which means he can have whole days off - and he doesn't even have to look after his own child. V nice too. As you say - zero parenting. WHy would he want to change that?

He will say that the grandparents have their schedules and that to deprive them of their days with DS is unfair/mean... - nice way of getting out of that one! You do know that Grandparents have NO right of access to grandchildren?

His mother can still see ds, but make it a babysitting thing, rather than whole days. The fact that she has said she will totally ignore your parenting wishes with regard to dc2 when it comes, is a huge red flag to me, and I'd be withdrawing childcare from her just for that. I'd definitely be looking into paid childcare (removing the childcare obligations from both MIL and DM) so that it is a 'formal' arrangement and you can work F/T safe in the knowledge that your children are being looked after in accordance with your wishes. And your dc are unlikely to pick up and 'uncouth' ways...

It's a hard road ahead, but if you stick to your guns, I think the dc will benefit from, rather than be deprived of, childcare from the grandparemts.

Original poster

runningoutofpatience · 21/04/2015 15:20

Ptumbi, I will think very carefully about what you have said. To act on it would involve me becoming very strong and confrontational, which I am not. It is not in my nature to stand up to family.

It will take a huge shift on my part to stand up for myself and DS, I feel anxious and nervous at the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone.

OP posts:

ptumbi · 21/04/2015 15:28

Maybe you could present it to DH as 'both sets of parents are getting on' and 'they might like to have more free time themselves rather than looking after 2 dc (which is bloody hard even when you are fit and young)' and 'if they are just there for babysitting, we can go out more in the evenings'. make it a positive for everyone, not a 'taking away the dc' .

To be honest though, if he doesn't actually do any of the childcare, I think it will ultimately be YOUR decision what happens to the dc, not his.

i suppose that if you have formal childcare for both, then you can tell him that he can still have his 'days off' when his shifts allow.

5inabed · 21/04/2015 19:14

You haven't answered why you dropped ds off? Surely if you just went to work and left him with your husband he would have to look after him? Instead you are facilitating his laziness.

SillyBlueHat · 21/04/2015 19:24

You can get round the childcare issue without being confrontational.

You will be on maternity leave soon so that is an excuse to keep DS at home. Then he will soon be 3 so you could put him in nursery for his 15 hours on MIL days - and put DS2 in to same nursery because dropping off 2 kids at different locations would be too difficult for you.

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