Struggling to deal with in-laws, MIL especially

[runningoutofpatience]

Dh and I come from different backgrounds socially, and I find his family very hard to deal with. I find them to be loud, rough and generally obnoxious, and I find their attitudes to work and general priorities to be skewed and strange.

DH himself has a very good work ethic, but he seems to be the only one.

Since DS was born, MIL has become more and more difficult for me to deal with. She looks after DS 2x a week while I am at work, even though I don't like it, and I have to do all the running as DH doesn't drive and she feels her health is not good enough to carry DS in and out of the car. (he is 14months) I don't like the way she speaks around him, she is rough and loud and generally uncouth.

She has very old fashioned expectations of me as a wife, and treats me accordingly. Small things like telling me what she wanted for Mother's Day rather than DH, fully expecting me to get it and then not bothing to say thankyou when she got it.

She also gets stroppy and angry that my parents see more of DS than her, but that is because when I have time off (I work full time) I choose to spend time with my mother (especially if DH is working, he does shifts). I would not choose to spend time with MIL. When DH is not working, he packs DS off to whichever grandparent is scheduled to have him that day and takes the time to himself.

She only has 2 days a week childcare because she demanded it. She knew that my parents were doing more and DH was supposed to do the time that I was at work and he wasn't, but she insisted DS be sent to her instead. I don't know if DH's ready agreement was laziness or aquiescence.

She has also told me that although she followed our 'rules' with DS (eg not feeding him sweets and things when he was under 6months) she would be doing whatever she wants with DS2 when he is born in August. When I told DH she said this he brushed if off and said she is all talk.

The other thing that annoys me is that she has a very false impression of DH and his involvement. I do all the running and organising and most of the work with DS. I update DH on what is happening and he then repeats these updates to his mother as if he is in control, then I get them parroted back to me as "Our (DH) was telling me...." - like it is going to be news to me. She thinks he is very hands on and it just annoys me that she has this skewed image. He is not a bad dad, just not as impressive as he lets himself on to be.

I don't really have a question, just finding it all quite frustrating and need to get it off my chest.

Off to have lunch now - pregnant and hormonal and needing food.

SillyBlue Hat, this is very true. Also I am looking at nuseries near my parents' house as the schools near me aren't great.

I dropped DS off with my parents because that is the routine. I do not want to force DH to look after DS by just leaving him there, I would rather he volunteered to look after him, if you know what I mean.

Sorry, I am really tired tonight.

Not being abusive doesn't make someone a good husband/father. That requires far more pro-action. Your husband has the values of his family i.e. traditional, women take care of home and children - a woman is you or his mother. His mother is the matriarch who makes all family decisions (including yours if she can get away with it, hence her challenge re. your second child). If you want your children to have your values, you need to move them out of her sphere of control. You sound a little like someone with a toyboy "he's very mature for his age". Your husband is her son, he's reflecting her training, now you need to think about the adults that you want to encourage your children to be.

Tulipbulbs, DH is actually 8 years younger than me, I am 36 and he is 28. Maybe that makes a difference? My mother has commented that she thinks he is not ready to be a father, to which I replied it is a bit late for that now!

I will make sure absolutely that my children have the values I want them to have.

It sounds awful but MIL is in poor health generally (she has planned her funeral right down to the eulogy and the flowers she wants her DCs to lay on her coffin), and I know that this arrangement is essentially short term. It will not be long before she is either unfit to take care of the children, no matter how much she may want to, or she may just die.

I suppose what I don't want is for that to happen and DH to feel that I denied her time with her Grandchildren or denied them the chance to know her? But I definitely intend to limit her influence as far as possible, and I think that when I finish maternity leave and return to work this time next year, I can make a good argument for 2 kids being too much for her and have one or both in daycare 2 days a week.

As for DH, we had an interesting discussion the other night when I asked why he never chooses to spend his day off with DS. He gave a few woolly excuses about not wanting to deprive the grannies, but essentially admitted that all his excuses/reasons sounded crap and that he could hear Jeremy Kyle in the back of his head telling him that if he was a decent dad he would walk on hot coals to spend time with his son. I am going to bring this back up again and try to persuade him that he is missing out on quality time with DS (who is a wonderful, delightful child) and that he should take advantage of whatever opportunities he has before DC2 comes along and things get 100% busier.

So he has admitted that he is not doing enough, the next step is to make him actually do more instead of just acknowledging his inadequacies.

I did tell him this morning that I overdid it yesterday and there were things I had to do when I got home that he could have done before he went to work - emptying the rubbish (especially the stinky nappy bin that actually made me vomit) and washing DS's bottles. He apologised and promised to keep on top of that stuff, especially as I had gone and done all the grocery shopping and wrecked myself with SPD.

But he is off work today and DS is with MIL. :( She has Monday and Wednesday. But she isn't getting Monday coming as DS has an appointment and then is going home with my mum after.

Hi running, I only meant the toyboy thing as an example. I just mean that we all excuse a weakness by saying that it isn't an abuse. I was thinking of 60 with 16 and saying "I'm like the child, he's like the adult, he's so mature".
You seem to be on top of things. It's kind to keep her in her grandchildren's lifes but just best to limit her influence. My aunt's a nurse and she always says "many a creaking door goes on forever" - you mightn't be buying those flowers for a few years yet.
It does seem a waste to pay for child care next year, when your husband is there to take care of the children. He needs a good shake up, but you seem on the job. Your mum sounds right that he wasn't ready for children, few men think they are but hopefully they step up to the mark. You'll need a co-parent more as they grow. someone to drive them to after school activities, parties etc. collect them from discos, help with homework, projects, develop their interests etc. he's only at the starting point.
Generally, I think in a couple, the wife's family have more of a look in then the husband's. Your parents sound like they are supporting you where she's seems to have more of an agenda.
My mum died before I had children, I could imagine her ignoring my ideas on child care and giving them as much pizza and coke as they wanted! It's probably difficult to rein family in. When my first child was born, my sister flew in for the birth, she was great until she said "of course, I'm the aunt I'll slap her if I think she's out of order". I quickly disillusioned her. It's all a process.

Assuming you get maternity leave with dc2, that would seem the natural point to change your current arrangement. Anyway you could start laying the groundwork now? (Or is it a no-go financially?)

I do not want to force DH to look after DS by just leaving him there, I would rather he volunteered to look after him, - i don't think he should 'volunteer' or 'be forced'.

DS needs looking after, therefore one of you should do it. If you are at work, that person is DH. No argument, no question. He may want to be doing other things (don't we all) but that is not the point. He should not be palming the child off on grandparents - he is not their responsibility! DS is YOUR (joint) responsibility.

Tulipbulbs, the problem with relying on DH is that his shifts change from week to week. He works in a place that runs 2 shifts a day, 7am-3pm or 3pm-11pm (also need to allow for travel time) and he could get any 5 of those 14 shifts a week. We generally only get 2-3 weeks' notice at the most of the rotas. Therefore it is impossible to adequately plan for him to do x amount of childcare as his schedule is so irregular. This week, for example, he is on the late shift every day apart from Saturday when he is on the early shift. His days off this week are Monday and Wendesday but the next week will be completely different and I have no idea about the week after that.

There will be days when he is working the morning shift and I will be at work, meaning that DS HAS to be cared for by someone else. We initially started a system where my parents only took DS on the days that he was working day shift and when he was working evenings, his mum would do the 1-2 hour gap between him leaving for work until I got home. This got overly complicated in that he was complaining that he was very tired maybe working until 11 then up with DS at 8 the next morning and he felt that he was getting a harder deal than me.

At the same time his mum had her flipout where she complained that she only got small chunks of childcare compared to the full days MY parents got, and she screamed and cried and made a whole fuss, so we set the current system in place where she does Monday and Wednesday and my parents do Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I work Mon-Fri, regular hours 8.30-4.

Also his mum was saying a lot to me "Poor DH he works so late and I am sure he is so tired looking after baby, it isn't fair on him" (which enraged me) but I am sure she was saying the same thing to him and adding to his sense of injustice of having to work full time and look after his child as well.

Hello, what do you think I do?

Le sigh. Plus my mum has a valid point that if that is how he feels about being home with DS during the day we cannot be sure that he will be engaging DS, playing with him, stimulating him.... he will definitely keep him clean and fed but she and I would rather he be in a place where he is wanted and loved and cherished rather than merely tolerated. I don't know if I am being too hard on DH by not trusting him enough, but DS HAS to come first.

Your oh is a lazy so and so. He has days off and can't be bothered to look after his kid-nice. Yeah a brillant dad there so glad my oh actually has our son on his days off, he is shift worker too.

did he at least do anything around the house?

Your problem is your oh not the mil so I would be giving him a good kick up the backside.

He needs to do more around the house. It will be interesting to see what he has achieved today while I have been at work. Speaking of... I need to get a wee bit of work done.

And I most definitely will be getting maternity leave. That is not in question with my employers.

I can see the logistics of the childcare. Also how parents are the most flexible care option. Complaints of your husband's tiredness and the burden being on him are ridiculous. You sound like you are the one doing all of the pulling and dragging. Besides, spending time with your child is a joy and not a burden. I don't know about the lack of stimulation etc. often my children were left to entertain themselves whilst I read a book. I believe in leaving them a little bored, so that they can develop imagination and ways to entertain themselves. Though true neglect is another thing. Your mother sounds like a fair judge of the situation. Has he bonded with his child? This sounds more like him needing to change his role models and also needing to model better attitudes to his children.
When your baby is born, you will presumably be the one doing the night-time feeds etc. so, if anyone is going to be tired, it will be you. Your mother-in-law needs to be distanced if there is any chance of your husband coming good. I would be inclined to involve your parents more and her less. If you can find a mother/toddler group near your parent's home, it actually is a good way for your dc to meet children whom they will go on to primary school with. You could centre their lives near where their schooling will be. Ignore screaming etc. from mil or tell her that you are concerned about her unsupportive attitude and that you have other ideas on your children's upbringing. They are your children after all. Her comments about doing what she likes with the second child were a challenge - answer it. Visit her on Sundays.

Tulip, that is really good advice. DH said last night that he is stressed about the thought of DC2 on the way and how we will cope. I am worried about the finances as I am the chief earner in the house and my wages will be cut during mat leave but he is worried about the childcare and how we will organise it. At this stage of my last pregnancy we didn't have a plan in place for DS but he has never been left with nobody to care for him. I am of the opinion that the logistics are the least of our worries.

I worry about how I will be able to care for, stimulate and show enough love and affection to 2 boys in a way that will teach them self respect, to have a postive self image, and to be respectful and considerate people. Not just how are we going to cope but how are we going to help these 2 tiny humans be the happiest, best, most secure young people that they can be.

I don't just want to keep them alive and clean, I want to give them the best possible start with love and care and affection.

I am rambling here. Hormones are in full swing today.

Worrying about being a good parent is a sure sign that you are one. Finances usually pan out. Don't project into the future too much re. who'll they become. Right now you just need to let them know that they are loved. All the rest is another day's work. Mine are 17, 14 and 10, they are all very self assured and I put that down to them feeling secure as babies because they were loved and attended to. That's all it takes at the beginning. Your husband is talking now, so you have a break through. All will be well.

I want to thank everyone who has given advice on this thread, especially Tulipbulbs. I had a chat with my parents last night about my concerns, and DH has said a few things that have made a light come on in my head a little bit.

I am not making excuses for him, but I genuinely think he is suffering from depression. He is not enthusiastic about spending time with DS but equally he is not enthusiastic about ANYTHING.

So I have decided that my next step is to sit down with him when we next get time together (might be Sat night the way his shifts are) and try to make him see that he needs to go to the doctor and get some help. I myself have a long history of depression and I know that it will not just go away on its own.

I will check back and let you know how it goes, but I feel that is my correct step at this stage, offer him support and love and get him to go and get help so that he can engage fully with his life and hopefully start to enjoy it a little bit more, especially with another little baby on the way.

Thank you all so much, it has helped just getting my thoughts out there and talking about it here made it easier to talk to my mum and dad, as my thoughts were more organised.