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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to want to end it with new guy?

38 replies

AWholeLottaNosy · 17/04/2015 11:43

So I've met this lovely guy recently. We met online and when we met face to face we just clicked. It's been a bit of a whirlwind and he seems to really like me! Calls me darling, messages me a lot, cooks for me, makes me tea in the morning, is warm,kind, intelligent and funny. He says he really really likes me and thinks I'm beautiful. We've also got lots in common and he's so easy to be with. I feel like I could fall really hard for him.

And that's the problem. I feel so out of control of my feelings that I feel really vulnerable. I can't quite believe he likes me and I'm scared he's going to go off me when he gets to know me better. I also feel quite inadequate around him, he's very successful professionally, upper middle class, confident and charismatic. I've been a carer for my dad the last few years and don't have a career any more. I'm also naturally quite shy, a bit introverted and quiet. I don't really know what he sees in me. i don't feel good enough for him and I'm worried he will get bored of me.

I haven't been in a relationship for over 2 years and I was devastated when the last one ended. I don't think I can go through that again. WIBU to end it now to avoid all that future pain?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2015 11:52

Yes of course YWBU.
It is frightening, especially if we've been hurt before.
Trusting another person with our mental well being (well to a certain degree anyway)
Trusting that person, loving them, it's all scary.
But.... if you don't take a chance, what then?
You live your life in and out of relationships, never trusting anyone again.
That sucks.
If you really like him and he likes you why not continue?
Just take things slowly.
Let him know you have been hurt in the past and need to slow down a bit.
Get back to fun and dating without all the 'talk of the future' for a while.

You sound totally lovely so please, don't ever think you aren't good enough.
You have been an amazing person, giving up your career to care for your father. That makes you a wonderful and caring person.

Stop putting yourself down. Everyone deserves happiness.
If he makes you happy when with him then don't throw it away because it feels out of control. Just slow down, get a bit if control back and go forward from there.

You know you deserve this after everything you have been through so stop denying yourself that love and happiness.
Enjoy the moment.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 12:02

Maybe he will get bored of you. Maybe you will get bored of him. So?

Life is short. Have fun. Enjoy the good times. The infatuation stage can be lots of fun.

Perhaps see a counsellor to work out why you are so scared of a relationship ending. It doesn't have to be devastating. Most early relationships just fizzle out, no big drama to the end.

What was so devastating about the last break up?

Original poster
AWholeLottaNosy · 17/04/2015 12:09

Thanks both of you! I was very depressed after my last break up. I was utterly addicted to this man but he lied and was unfaithful. I've also had the experience of men initially thinking I'm a certain kind of person and then as they get to know me, realising I'm not, rejecting me as I'm 'too needy'. Feel like men just want me for sex, not for me and that I don't have much to offer really.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 17/04/2015 12:55

I second the counselling idea. It seems your self esteem is quite low.

And yes, you've done an awesome and selfless thing, giving up your career to look after your poorly dad.

But don't sack him because you're falling for him. Would you want to be with someone you were a bit "meh" about? Take things nice and slowly. Enjoy it!

squishee · 17/04/2015 13:02

I think it WBVU to end it now. What if you miss out on the happiness you so clearly deserve?

Twinklestein · 17/04/2015 14:35

I have known relationships fail because one side doesn't have the confidence - it happened to a friend of mine - she really liked a guy, but he felt he wasn't confident enough to be with her. He was lovely but he never felt comfortable with her friends and family. They stayed friends and she ended up marrying the male version of her.

It's all very well people telling you to go for it, but if you throw caution to the wind and get more involved and decide further down the line you still don't feel comfortable with him, it will be more painful.

So this has to be resolved now. I would see a counsellor asap to work through these feelings of inadequacy and see if you can feel more relaxed. If you can't, it's not going to work anyway.

My feeling is that perhaps the very things you worry about are what appeals to him - you gave work to care for your dad so you're obviously a very caring person. Perhaps he likes the fact that you're shy and quiet.

I don't set any store by class or professional status: we're all just people some are nicer than others.

Granville72 · 17/04/2015 14:54

He clearly thinks a lot of you, so don't feel you are not good enough or worthy of his attention and love.

The problem is lurking in your head, not with him.

Have you spoken to him and explained your feelings?

BoredAdminGirl · 17/04/2015 15:00

Hi

You need to work on that low self esteem ,that's what makes you needy and "hard work".

I have been guilty of this and have lost relationships because of it.

To end it for your reasons would be really mean on this guy and yourself.

Yo do realise that you will always be single if you choose not to fall for anyone, please try and earn to love yourself

BoredAdminGirl · 17/04/2015 15:01

Also, I notice that you say you feel he is more superiror than you. Do you actually feel comfortable in his company? Or do you put on a front, making yourself out to be something different

Original poster
AWholeLottaNosy · 17/04/2015 15:10

Yes I know it's my issues and his success is just highlighting how I feel about myself. I don't know whether I shoukd tell him how I'm feeling or just work on it myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
AWholeLottaNosy · 17/04/2015 15:12

Actually one of the things I really liked about him is that I do feel I can be myself he makes me feel very relaxed in his company. He's also said he doesn't know what I see in him!

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 17/04/2015 15:14

I felt that with with my husband. I didn't think I would ever be good enough for him. But we ended up being married.

TheJiminyConjecture · 17/04/2015 15:22

Going slightly against the grain (not disputing the fact you sound lovely!) But the fact that you have described it as being a whirlwind and the fact that you have met him recently could be a red flag.

You may be reacting to a "too good to be true/too much too soon" which is an emotionally literate way to protect yourself. If there is a chance of this then perhaps slow the whirlwind down and see how you feel as time goes on.

Of course he may just be lovely and in that case he'll be lovely if you move slowly so it's a win/win.

Cherryapple1 · 17/04/2015 15:28

I agree - someone being very full on at the beginning can be a huge red flag so I would urge caution. There is no rush and you don't need to leap into a relationship at 1000 miles an hour.

Granville72 · 17/04/2015 15:35

Talk to him, have a good heart to heart if you feel you can do that.

If you feel that its all too much too soon then take a step back and slow it down.

But for gods sake talk to him about your feelings and concerns or that void will just keep on getting bigger, not just with yourself, but between you both as well

Original poster
AWholeLottaNosy · 17/04/2015 17:59

Thanks all. For a long time I decided I didn't want a relationship as what's the point, they just always end anyway. I was sort of happy, just me and my cat, had the occasional date or FB situation. Felt a bit lonely but had accepted my long term single status. Now my equilibrium has been totally destroyed, I feel like a bloody teenager! Don't trust love anymore, it only brings pain...

OP posts:
something2say · 17/04/2015 18:22

You must come to trust love xxx

If I were you, I would not tell him. He is not your carer and it's not sexy or adult woman type behaviour.

Totally privately from him, I would then being a hardcore self esteem project. Look up things to do and do them. I haf to go thro all this. History of child abuse.

One of the best things I did was positive affirmations where I repeated phrases every day. I chose and wrote the phrases, depending on what I knew needed work, and I sat down and repeated them to myself every day, thinking about why they were true.

I also did other things that self help books recommended. List making, body projects, sorted stuff out in my home, started hobbies, started going to things I wanted to go to. All of this comes to mean that we are worth something, that we are good enough people as we are, that we deserve happiness.

Don't live half a life. Have courage and sort it out. X also look into CBT. But most I,ports rly, keep doing it until your feelings about yourself really do change.

proudmummywife · 17/04/2015 18:26

I was same as you, I was heart broken after split of my child's father I never let anyone get close to me for 4 years. Met a guy Was so nice and good to me. I ended it because 'he was too nice'. I thought he could do better but he was smittin with me and stayed around for 3 months to I came to my senses and I asked him out . We are now married and I never thought it possible to love a man like this. I thought I loved my child's dad (in love with the idea of being in love) but not to the extent I love dh. Just go with the flow NOBODY is too good for anyone. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. If you both are saying the same u must be both smitten.
Ps. Nobody had lower self esteem than me my ex insulted me everyday so I would think I could not do better. I was under weight and he told me I was fat. I was very pretty and he would say I looked fake with makeup so I wouldn't wear any and say I was sick looking without it. Mind games. Only to I met dh do I believe any one when the compliment me.

Original poster
AWholeLottaNosy · 17/04/2015 18:29

Proudmummy, thanks for your kind words and I'm glad you are with a good man now.

OP posts:
proudmummywife · 17/04/2015 22:18

Awholelott I Can tell this man is good for you Go with it everyone deserves happiness. A girl that gives up work to take care of their father is worth their weight in gold.

mommyof23kids · 18/04/2015 06:29

A lot of men highly value nurturing qualities in women as they make good mothers. It also compliments successful men as the two together make for well run marriages. Your nurturing side is nothing to be scoffed at.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 18/04/2015 06:52

I agree with most that he sounds lovely agree with all that you deserve happiness Smile

HOWEVER, I also agree that it's possible that "too much too soon" and "too good to be true" can be red flags.

How does he behave with, for instance, waitresses, animals? If you don't agree to something he wants to do, how does he react? During/since the breakdown if your hast relationship, did you research abusers and their methods, i.e. would you recognise them if you saw them?

For clarity, there is absolutely nothing in your posts that makes me think he is, except the "speed" issue, and this isn't always bad. DP and I decided to be together on the weekend we met, and we're still at it, 12 abuse-free years, 1 child and 3 cats later!

Finally, you mention being alone with your cat - I hope I'm reading between the lines wrong about your father? Sad

Lovingfreedom · 18/04/2015 08:03

It's all going too fast at the moment and no wonder, given what you've been through before, you are overwhelmed. If this guy is genuine and cares about you he will be willing to take it at a speed that you feel more comfortable with. Stop, breathe, make space for other things and see where it goes from there.

Original poster
AWholeLottaNosy · 19/04/2015 13:20

Thanks all, I know it's my own insecurities that I am worried about. I asked him by text what he liked about me and he said it was because I was honest, genuine, kind and funny. All good. But... My feeling that he's too good for me is hard to deal with. He's someone who lives life at 100 miles an hour and I'm worried he'll get bored of me once the initial excitement has worn off. I'm also not sure if I trust him sexually so that's a whole other issue...

Re my dad, he's still alive but he's in a care home now as I couldn't cope with trying to look after him anymore. I'm now trying to restart my career but not been very successful so far. I haven't worked for so long I feel almost unemployable now. Which is why it's hard to be with someone who is v successful and earnt over £150k last year!

OP posts:
whitecandles · 19/04/2015 13:27

I'm in the same boat. We actually had a fight the other week because he said I acted so cold and distant to him that it made him feel I wasn't into him.

I am SO into him. Just terrified of being hurt.

When my last relationship ended, I was sucidal for a month and I was only with him for a few months.

I have massive abandonment issues.

Sorry no help, but I get how you feel.