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Original poster

Practicalities of splitting up in London with DCs

27 replies

recidivist · 17/04/2015 11:12

Hello.

Have named changed for this but looking for some advice. Posting here as it seems to have greater footfall than divorce and separation.

I had a big blow out with my husband last night and am thinking about calling it a day, not for the first time. He is a good father, but he is very angry and I don't get treated with respect and I have got to a point where I feel like I, maybe we, would be better off without him. I just don't see how I can afford to leave, or have him leave and continue to live in London.

I work full-time, but couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on my own and if we sold the house when we split the proceeds I don't see that I would have money to buy somewhere for the three of us if we sold the house. The only way I can really see to do it would be to move back to where I grew up (about 200 miles away), which I don't want to do and would also make it difficult for him to see the children, which I don't want.

I can't see any way out, but then I suppose this is how it works - you wait until it gets bad enough that you have to jump in a direction you don't want to go because it's better than the alternative. I don't know what kind of advice I'm even hoping for really, but just trying to get my thoughts straight.

OP posts:
sakura · 17/04/2015 11:53

I had to move back home. It is grim. However, don't worry about being financially worse off because this probably won't happen so you can carve out a life for yourself in your hometown.

But London! I would love to live in London so I can see why you would try to stay with your H for the location. I can't imagine you can find reasonably priced properties there though. Others can better advise on that.

alicemalice · 17/04/2015 11:56

I had to do this. I moved to a cheaper area in London and it's all worked out ok now. You should be able to get a better split of the equity if you're the resident parent. You may even have rights to stay in your house for a few years with him contributing. Best to chat it through with a lawyer to get an idea of where you stand.

Duckdeamon · 17/04/2015 11:59

Sorry you're having a bad time. London is very challenging sometimes! I know someone who did this, she rents a flat and has an au pair. Financially stretched but much happier. Another option could be to move to a commuter town where housing and childcare are cheaper.

You could start investigating finances and housing options and the legal stuff, whatever you decide in the short term you'll have that info.

deckthehallswithdesperation · 17/04/2015 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
recidivist · 17/04/2015 12:08

They're both mid-primary age.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all at the moment, but if I'm completely honest with myself I feel that if it's not now then it's going to be the same situation further down the line. We're already in a what was a comparatively cheap area of London. I hadn't really thought about renting, but it would be more than the mortgage is to stay in the area that we are. My job is also near where we live, so will complicate childcare and travel etc. At the moment with the help of afterschool club and breakfast club I could manage to drop them off and pick them up.

As a family we have lots of friends where we are and I think it might almost make more sense to move home where at least we have some family rather than moving further out and starting again.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 17/04/2015 12:24

Moving "home" 200 miles away would be rubbish for the DC in terms of time with their father though.

The set up with your local work and schools sounds good. You could get legal advice on staying in the family home as your preferred option and if that seems unlikely or you wouldn't trust your H to keep paying could look to downsize within reasonable travelling distance. Any prospect of promotion at work or a windfall?!

Original poster
recidivist · 17/04/2015 12:31

Yes, I agree it would be rubbish in terms of seeing him. I would trust him to stick to whatever was aggreed, but I don't see how he could finance his part of the mortgage and also finance additional rent for himself.
No prospect of promotion - I'm just about to start a new job. I bought a lottery ticket for the Euromillions this morning, so there is that...

OP posts:
chinnychinchin1 · 17/04/2015 12:41

Can you remortgage and perhaps stretch it out so your payments are less each month? Not ideal to pay over a longer period but the benefits will outweigh the negatives.

Or rent out your home so you hang onto equity in london then rent somewhere cheaper still?

Agree it wouldn't be wise to move 200 miles not least because I think parents should stay local.

(No DC of my own but a child of a bitter divorce and custody battle)

LaurieFairyCake · 17/04/2015 12:48

Thinking outside the box:

  1. Can you divide your home in half? Shared space but separate bedrooms so you can both live independantly? A garage you can convert to a studio?

It won't work if he continues to be angry.

  1. Can you rent out the joint house and have a proper legal agreement drawn up to sell in the future thus preserving your money in the London property market - so for example when they reach 18. And instead rent 2 smaller flats in a slightly cheaper area close by - if you've a house with a garden is there 2 bed flats close enough that are significantly cheaper?
crimsonh · 17/04/2015 12:58

Have look at 2 bed properties in your area and how much can you borrow. Work from that point backwards.
Maybe whoever becomes residential parent is going to have to take larger chunk of the profit from the sale?
It would also be better from the point of view of childcare for both parents to live close.

Original poster
recidivist · 17/04/2015 13:05

I can't imagine there being a custody battle, although I suppose you never know. Although he is hands on at the weekend I am much more involved than he is. He wouldn't be able to tell you their shoe size, what class their in. He tends to work late so I don't see how custody could work for him unless he got a different job.

Shared space is an interesting idea, but 3 bedroom semi so don't think it's really set up for that. Plus he doesn't pull his weight now so I don't see how it would work. Remortgaging is maybe an option, but probably not the renting out - prices have shot up since we moved here and now about £1,200 a month for the cheapest 2 bedroom flat.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 17/04/2015 13:06

A 3 bed semi is perfect for 2 flats if you can both accept new partners and proper independant space. Look up some flats in semis to see how it could work. Loft conversion possible?

LL0015 · 17/04/2015 13:09

But could rent out the marital home so its paying for itself. Possibly earn money from the rent.
And then both rent nearby. A large and small flat? Swap properties at weekends so children not uprooted ?
You would get a mesher order to stay in the house though... Are DC same sex?

Original poster
recidivist · 17/04/2015 13:10

Oh - hadn't thought about it in that way. There is space for a loft conversion. Is that something people do? On the one hand it would seem like a sensible solution, on the other a diaster waiting to happen.

OP posts:
mistymeanour · 17/04/2015 15:12

I know 2 families that had a loft conversion done in 30's semis in London to create a "bedsit" (lounge/bed open kitchenette and shower room )so that they could keep their house and both be hands on with the DC when they split. However, they were fairly amicable splits and the dads were very hands on. The situation in both cases worked for several years until new partners came along. The downside is that your H would still be using the main staircase and door with access to all areas and may feel "hard done by" up in the attic.

chinnychinchin1 · 17/04/2015 15:36

I've not known anyone do that but it sounds AWFUL.

Jan45 · 17/04/2015 17:19

Change your mortgage to interest only, put it up for sale then share the proceeds and buy yourself a flat.

Ellie88 · 17/04/2015 19:59

Im in this situation, selling house and splitting (a great) profit. Im going to rent for a year or 2 then look into shared ownership. Rent is higher than my mortgage, depending on ages you could rent a 2 bed? Shared ownership even with a good deposit is my only option if I ever want to own in London again.

lalalonglegs · 17/04/2015 20:50

If you're young rnough, see if you can change your mortgage to a 30-year repayment plan. If it's a "typical" three-bed semi, move yourself into the boxroom and get a lodger for the main brdroom (kids will have to share). Do you have a garage that you can convert into extra accommodation?

Bear in mind that you may only have to do this for a couple of years - as your children get older, you can concentrate on your career more and, hopefully, get a payrise.

Good luck - I live in London and it would bevery

lalalonglegs · 17/04/2015 20:51

Oops - it would be very difficult if I split up with my husband. But London is full of opportunities and you never know what it might bring you.

Duckdeamon · 17/04/2015 21:41

as pps have said, 3 bed semi anywhere in London is a good asset could be sold or rented out. Or you could get a loft conversion and lodger(s).

He really wouldn't know what classes the DC are in? As in year group?! That's terrible. Shoe size is different, that is pretty standard "womens work"(sadly) and I bet loads of men don't know.

RandomMess · 17/04/2015 21:47

Why can't your dc share for a while?

One thing I considered was moving into a very local house share. We also considered taking it in turns on the sofa and all sorts of thing to make house sharing work due to the costs.

However in reality dh suddenly had an epiphany and so far has managed to stick to his commitments of changing. He was the parent with care so it would have been me moving out but things really were that desperate!

juneau · 17/04/2015 21:56

I've not known anyone do that but it sounds AWFUL.

I agree! Can you imagine trying to move on with your life and start again with your ex-H living, quite literally, above your head?? Or either of you trying to see new people and bringing them back to the former marital home with the risk of bumping into each other or the DC and there being awkward questions or curtains twitching?

grumbleina · 17/04/2015 22:19

Living in the same house sounds unbelievably grim, unless it is the gold standard of amicable divorces.

I'm on the 'he leaves, get a lodger' team. Are exchange students a possibility? That sort of thing - or yes just a straight up flatmate type person. Would that cover the mortgage, if your ex was also contributing a bit towards the DC having a roof over their heads?

qumquat · 17/04/2015 22:32

Reading this thread with interest. Dp and I would love to stay living right by each other, neither of us can stomach the thought of not seeing dd every day, but we can't afford to live seperately here. We've even considered living as housemates (we get on very well, just not in love and no sex) but figured no-one else would touch us with a barge pole and we'd never get over each other. But the thought of moving away from each other and therefore dd for part of the time is heartbreaking.