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Original poster

Be honest, do you care about your dp's sexual history?

46 replies

TFIindeed · 17/04/2015 11:09

I would personally love to say that I really don't care! Providing they've had a safe one that is, but for some STUPID reason, I can't seem to get my dp's past erm Hmm encounters out my head. I'm not saying it's constant and I don't bring it up, but it pops into my head sometimes (more than it should) and it really upsets me. This is crazy, right?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact it's my first lesbian relationship, but then I can't really understand why that would be. Confidence maybe? I don't know. I didn't really feel like this about my ex boyfriends.

I know this is really unhealthy and I desperately want to get this completely pointless pattern of thinking OUT of my head!

Be good to hear from anyone who can relate, used to relate and has now turned it around, or just give me a good old virtual slap round the face Confused a gentle one though please.

Thanks.

OP posts:
RudyMentary · 17/04/2015 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour · 17/04/2015 11:12

Do you feel more for your partner than you have for anyone else, hence you're more likely to care and have a little bit of jealousy?

Or could it be because your partner is more experienced, and as this is your first lesbian relationship, you are worried that you won't measure up?

LadyFlumpalot · 17/04/2015 11:14

Nope, for the reason that my partners sexual encounters are in the past and he's now with me, has been with me for a decade and shows no inclination of wanting to go elsewhere. He's slightly more bothered by my sexual history but only in a "that's none of my business" way.

JennyOnTheBlocks · 17/04/2015 11:14

i don't care, and we've never discussed our sexual pasts either

maybe the fact this is your first same sex relationship has raised some curiosity, because you're new to it all and exploring (mentally at least) in the same way you might have done in a younger and less experienced heterosexual situation?

recidivist · 17/04/2015 11:20

I think it can be natural to feel jealousy, the most important thing is how you react to it. It sounds like you know it's your issue and not theirs, so try not to let it affect your relationship or your trust. It's hard, but it sounds like you're on the right track.

BolshierAyraStark · 17/04/2015 11:22

Nope but that's probably more to do with the fact his history is, shall we say, slightly less colourful than mine.

something2say · 17/04/2015 11:35

I think it will have to do with it being your first gay relationship.. x

ems1910 · 17/04/2015 11:44

I used to. I had major jealousy issues. Completely secure that he wouldn't go off with anyone but was more of a low self-issue from my side. Worried I don't measure up to them.

Then I was thrown in at the deep end, a hen weekend away with someone from his workplace that he had a one night stand with years ago. She's lovely. I am meeting her at soft play next week!

It took time for me, just time and an understanding partner who didn't get annoyed when I was ranting or feeling low About it. He has worked a couple of shifts with her while we have been together (12 hours in an ambulance together) and I had a bit of a meltdown . He just listened abd reassured me.

Anyway, off track now but yes, time and reassurance is needed. As long as you trust your partner then it is workable :)

Original poster
TFIindeed · 17/04/2015 11:44

pocket, I don't think it's a case of being scared I won't measure up. Without sounding like I'm massively blowing my own trumpet, I'm sexually confident and I don't worry that she's 'had it better' or anything. I believe it's the best we've both had because of our connection. Yes, this is the most I've ever felt for someone. I wasn't really sure if I'd ever been in love before meeting her, but without getting too soppy, I now know I hadn't, so I do think that that has got a lot to do with my heightened and let's face it, unjustified jealousy. Her past isn't particularly colourful. No more than mine, but she has been with a woman before and I guess that bothers me more than her experiences with men. Maybe because she now identifies as gay and she tells me that her encounters with men were generally unfullfilling. Although that upsets me on a different level.

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 17/04/2015 12:43

No, not really. It doesn't bother me. Whatever happened in the past is part of who he is now.

OopTheShard · 17/04/2015 12:45

Not at all. We have barely discussed it. He was late thirties when we met and had been in three long term relationships and, from what I can glean, had shagged about a fair bit in between.

Doesnt bother me at all.

I havent told him half of what I got up to in the past, either Grin. He doesnt seem remotely interested.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2015 13:08

no

Original poster
TFIindeed · 17/04/2015 13:13

God what's wrong with me?!! Confused I read a few months a go a similar thread and again, the vast majority said "nope, never bothered me" or very similar.

Really need to get a grip don't I!

OP posts:
Hassled · 17/04/2015 13:14

Which bit upsets you? Just the thought that she's had sex with someone else? Or the emotional intimacy? TBH I think if you were completely secure in your relationship this wouldn't bother you - you have some niggles somewhere (again, probably because this is your first gay relationship). So get that reassurance - talk to her. Ask her how she's feeling about things - hopefully if your confidence about the relationship grows, the insecurities about the past will lessen.

LikeIcan · 17/04/2015 13:21

I would care yes.
wouldn't want a relationship with someone who'd had lots of previous partners. ( say more than 5 )

Original poster
TFIindeed · 17/04/2015 13:27

Well there wasn't any emotional intimacy there before and I do believe that. So I guess it must just be the sex thing. I wouldn't say I am 100% secure in my relationship, unfortunately. It's not her, it's definitely me. I think my problem is that when I'm thinking about the past, I'm viewing it as if it were in the present. Does that make sense to anyone?

OP posts:
crapfatbanana · 17/04/2015 13:36

In the early days of our relationship I couldn't but help thinking of his past experiences. He had four ex- girlfriends and he was my first proper relationship. I felt terribly inexperienced.

We've been together 21 years now, so I obviously got over it.

Offred · 17/04/2015 13:38

Not really. I'm not jealous of past partners but someone's sexual history can tell you a lot about their development as a person and their values and I care about that - though I'd never ask.

Someone who has been lax with contraception/sexual health may be irresponsible.

Someone who has had one night stands may see women as disposable penis recepticles.

Someone who has cheated may cheat again.

Someone who has been in relationships with people who loved them but when they weren't interested may be insensitive/insecure/selfish etc.

But you do have to judge the person they are now and not put too much weight on the past and jealousy is always unreasonable when there is no actual reason to be jealous and things are in the past.

If someone is bringing up their history that can sometimes be done to upset or destabilise you so I'd watch out for that.

If things are generally fine in the relationship you will wreck it by living in the past.

BoredAdminGirl · 17/04/2015 13:48

Hello fellow lesbian!

I was the same with my first girlfriend and I figured it was because I just didn't care with boyfriends.

The best thing to do is to stop discussing it, talking about it, asking questions about it and stop thinking about it.

It is not healthy to discuss past sexual relationships - there is nothing at all to gain. If you find she brings it up a lot then there is a problem brewing

BoredAdminGirl · 17/04/2015 13:50

If I think about my DP with exes it drives me crazy, which is why I don't think about it (although this thread is makign me think about it grr). Just think about you two together when it comes into your mind

Original poster
TFIindeed · 17/04/2015 14:04

Offred, I hear you. You're right- if you live in the past, you will wreck things. I know this, but it's how my mind works. I'd like to think this is changeable. I would just like to know how to stop.

Bored, hello there! Smile So I'm not the only one then Wink

We have discussed it before, but not very much. It actually only came up because I just assumed she'd been with more women than she had and so she corrected me and then it was one of those kind of immature 'ah ok, so what's your number' probably drunken conversations. Dangerous, I know. At the time it didn't bother me really at all. If anything, I was just relieved that she wasn't massively experienced, but after a while the image of her with another person, well woman really, would just pop into my head and it's really hard to shift. Sometimes it's when we're about to be intimate and then I find it really hard to relax and carry on. This is fucked up isn't it.

OP posts:
Offred · 17/04/2015 14:07

What does it make you feel when you think about it? I know you said the sex is great but would you still be confident if the sex wasn't great sometimes and just regular? Is it giving you performance anxiety?

Original poster
TFIindeed · 17/04/2015 14:07

Oh Bored, I'm sorry! Didn't want to drag anyone down with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TFIindeed · 17/04/2015 14:10

offred, it makes me feel sad. It's not giving me performance anxiety, it's just making it hard to carry on sometimes if that image comes into my head.

OP posts:
DoorToTheRiver · 17/04/2015 14:26

Has never bothered me in the slightest. I was aware that all of my long term boyfriends had a fairly colourful past but was never remotely jealous, I just got the benefit of all that experience!

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