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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Be honest, do you care about your dp's sexual history?

46 replies

TFIindeed · 17/04/2015 11:09

I would personally love to say that I really don't care! Providing they've had a safe one that is, but for some STUPID reason, I can't seem to get my dp's past erm encounters out my head. I'm not saying it's constant and I don't bring it up, but it pops into my head sometimes (more than it should) and it really upsets me. This is crazy, right?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact it's my first lesbian relationship, but then I can't really understand why that would be. Confidence maybe? I don't know. I didn't really feel like this about my ex boyfriends.

I know this is really unhealthy and I desperately want to get this completely pointless pattern of thinking OUT of my head!

Be good to hear from anyone who can relate, used to relate and has now turned it around, or just give me a good old virtual slap round the face a gentle one though please.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

TFIindeed · 17/04/2015 14:29

Door, I'm genuinely jealous of your mindset. I would love to spin it into something positive.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 17/04/2015 15:52

Same as Rudy.

After 19 years together, it's of no importance to me

Tangoandcreditcards · 17/04/2015 15:59

Genuinely doesn't bother me to know, and I don't think it would bother me if I did.

But then my past is more chequered than a battenberg chess set, so it's probably for the best.

Offred · 17/04/2015 16:27

Do you know what about it causes you to feel sad?

DoorToTheRiver · 17/04/2015 16:32

If you didn't have this issue with boyfriends and you don't feel 100% secure in this relationship your issue could well relate to your confidence in this relationship. If you feel insecure then you will worry about things that you wouldn't if you did feel secure and perhaps part of this is down to it being your first lesbian relationship.

This relationship is a first for you but not for your girlfriend and possibly you think that because your girlfriend has experienced this before it is not so special to her and your jealousy stems from that. She has had a lesbian relationship before and you haven't and that is your issue which I think would explain why you are not bothered by her previous male partners. If it is special to you perhaps you think that she has experienced all of this before sexually even if there wasn't such an emotional connection with her previous female partner.

If you are having problems with mental images of your girlfriend with another woman then practice conjuring up a mental image of you and your girlfriend together. Look at a photo of the two of you together, look in the mirror with her and see yourselves with each other and retain that image in your head. When you start to picture your girlfriend with someone else focus instead on the image of the two of you together.

defineme · 17/04/2015 16:43

I moved in with dp to his house that he shsred with ex fiancée ...I felt a lot better when we got rid of the old bed and sofa they had bought together...which sounds pathetic now. Having been together years now I never give it a thought.
tbh we just laugh usually- he met my most recent ex and we laughed about how I could have gone out with such a twit.
we had both been very promiscuous and I think there was mutual relief that we would have no right to judge the other!

VirginiaWoofs · 17/04/2015 17:32

I'm interested in my DPs sexual history. Mostly in a curiosity kind of way!

In the first few months it told me a lot about him as a person and how he treats women. We've discussed it a couple of times!

We talk about everything and anything pretty much, including past partners. It works for our relationship.

Original poster

TFIindeed · 18/04/2015 17:08

offred, I'm not really sure why it makes me sad. Maybe because I would have loved for us to be each other's first? I know that sounds stupidly naive, but when I really think about it, I think that's part of it.

door, she hadn't actually been in a relationship with a woman before. It was a brief FWB situation, but she says there was no emotional connection at all. The only good thing was that it was the first time it didn't feel wrong, simply because it was, for her, the right gender.

Should I really not talk about my feelings to her? I was tempted.

OP posts:

cigarsofthepharaoh · 18/04/2015 22:10

If you talk to her, don't make it into a big deal. Just say that you're thinking things you wished you weren't, completely unnecessarily about her past.

FWIW I've always found that there's more potential for caring/jealousy about your partner's history in lesbian relationships - the community can be really small so you end up socialising with your partner's ex. DP's two female exes when we first got together were both prominent in the local gay community. I felt very jealous and very ashamed about it. When I talked to other people, I found that it's a lot more normal than I realised. So maybe she'll have friends who have, and will understand more than you think.

If she hasn't been in a loving relationship with a girl before, though, you are essentially her first.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 18/04/2015 22:39

Well...there's a faint possibility that DW might have shagged someone very famous for shagging lots of women, but he's dead now. And her ex before me fell short in every possible way.

I'm cool.

OhMrGove · 18/04/2015 22:48

I hate it. It ignites a horrid, painful jealousy in me I've never known before, especially as his most recent ex before me is part of extended friend group.

I just don't let it show. I know it's down to my own insecurities and because I haven't felt as strongly for anyone else before. It's getting easier.

CuntCourtIsInSession · 18/04/2015 22:55

I had the opposite, my partner has only ever been with his ex-wife (they met as teenagers) and me. Whereas I tramped around fairly considerably.

So for me it was about reassuring him that I didn't consider him inadequate due to inexperience. If anything, it has been the other way round, he has turned out to be a man who knows how to keep a woman interested over the long haul!

Sallystyle · 18/04/2015 23:03

I used to feel jealous, yes.

9 years later I couldn't care less.

Offred · 18/04/2015 23:22

Could you be feeling a little insecure and sad because this is a new thing for you with being your first gay relationship and she's been with a woman before so you aren't sharing that experience together?

Original poster

TFIindeed · 21/04/2015 14:55

Sorry for the late reply.

Oh, it's not nice is it. I hate feeling this kind of jealousy.

U2, what's your secret?......

Offred, well yes, I think that's probably mostly it, but it's not like I haven't had any experiences with women before. Weirdly, my dp has become more jealous recently about my past experiences which never seemed to bother her before. Keep meaning to ask her where that's come from actually.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 21/04/2015 15:15

I think a bit of curiosity is natural (it's weird to think of your partner with other people, yet we all know it's happened!). It helps to be open about it, and to be able to ask questions. DH and I discussed it fairly early on and that helped to get it out of the way I think! Having a space where you can chat reassuringly about it without hurting someone's feelings is important in terms of moving past it, perhaps?

His ex from his most longterm relationship is one of my very best friends, and while it was a bit weird at the start (I didn't know her before I met him), the fact that she is lovely and successful but also a bit vulnerable underneath (in a sweet way) really helped. She opened up to me about her life from the start, so there was no 'front' at all between us, and I have been by her side while she has been to hell and back - I'm the person who has turned up with ice cream after breakups and forced her to eat breakfast after an abusive partner raped her - so there isn't really much mystery there anymore! I think we build up ideas of exes in our heads and in reality, they are just ordinary people!!

Offred · 21/04/2015 15:32

If it is just that then talk about it I think! Kind of normal at the start of a new relationship though may be a sign you're a bit lacking in self esteem if you're feeling you might not measure up!

mommyof23kids · 21/04/2015 16:41

I'd really like to know how many my dh has had but as i was a huge slut before I met him there's no way I'm bringing up the subject. I'd definitely lie too if he ever asked.

EchoOfADistantTide · 21/04/2015 18:13

Yes, but only because I think he still holds a candle for her (despite it being over for 20 years).

Ratfinkandbobo · 21/04/2015 18:36

I really don't give a fig, never have. It's all in the past

ems1910 · 24/04/2015 14:16

TFI, the bit where you said that sometimes you think about it just before you get intimate. Yes, been there and it is horrid. I just couldn't carry on. It fades though, honestly. We have been together nearly 3 years now and it is barely a thought most days, just been for coffee and soft play with the woman he slept with years ago and although I am not suggesting for a moment you get that friendly, it does fade in time!

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