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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone give me a shake!

39 replies

shelteredlife1783 · 17/04/2015 00:13

Hi all regular on here but had to nc for this one as its a bit embarrassing,
I have a partner who I love dearly but he doesnt treat me very well and our sex life is basically zero unless hes drunk!
I dont feel ready to leave him and know I will get slated for this but my eyes are wandering,
our sex drives are so mismatched ive been trying to pretend its not a problem for 3 yrs now and I cant pretend any longer, he knows how I feel but is just so lazy in that dept/not interested etc
ive got to admit my eyes are wandering....ive lead a very shelted life and I'm starting to wonder what else is out there is that awful?
I dont think I'm ugly...I have alot of male attention but have never cheated/acted upon it but I'm recently getting the urge to
my partner is so lazy bedroom wise it's all about him and I feel left out ugly and unimportant...he knows this but never changes
how long is someone meant to put up with getting no sexual attention from thier partner but lots from other people before they act on it?
I feel gulity now even writing this, someone give me a shake pls....

OP posts:
shirleybasseyslovechild · 17/04/2015 00:22

no slap needed.
it's not a great relationship and you are allowed to leave.
You don't need anyone's permission

CitySnicker · 17/04/2015 00:22

You don't love him dearly if you are considering cheating.
Talk to him, and get it sorted. Or leave.
He sounds delightful btw, but 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Original poster
shelteredlife1783 · 17/04/2015 00:31

I know I feel awful I want to keep him but not getting what I need.....I know I should talk to him about how much it bothers me ( tried this makes no difference ) or end it ( can't as I really do love him ) but I get more attention from male "mates" than I do off him

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 17/04/2015 00:33

Tell him you're thinking of calling it a day.

Original poster
shelteredlife1783 · 17/04/2015 01:18

I dont want to call it a day I love him to bits but am not getting anything from him sexually :( it hurts and is so frustrating

OP posts:
2Retts · 17/04/2015 01:33

I can only agree with City tbf. Tell him you're about to call quits. If that doesn't spur him to some action then it's time to actually call it quits.

There's nothing as disheartening than a lack of some (even a little) affection/intimacy. If he's not prepared to rise to the challenge, you need to move on sheltered...are you ready to do that? Infideity is never worth the hassle.

Original poster
shelteredlife1783 · 17/04/2015 01:49

I don't think I'm ready to do that no.
I hate myself for this...my husband had an affair I know how much it hurts Sad

ive NEVER cheated ever hate it but....ive never had reason to tbh everyone ive been with inc ex husband was more into sexual side than I was and it was me making excuses.
I feel like a freak like theres something wrong with me I feel starved of that kind of attention from him for so long and the temptation of going along with other attention im getting is getting too much
I hate myself I dont mind the verbal bashing I may get for this please just tell me in being selfish and if I love him the sex bit shouldnt matter....

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 17/04/2015 06:22

Of course sex matters - it's the differance between brother/sister, flatmates /friends relationships. It bonds couples. It matters.

You say partner not H so I'd just move on find someone who makes you feel desired/wanted/sexy and like a woman.

You don't need a shake, you are allowed to leave someone if it's not doing it for you.

Joysmum · 17/04/2015 07:37

If you love your partner you would never put him through what your ex put you through.

Your ex cheated because he didn't love you enough to stay faithful, don't be the same.

You could give it one last shot to dicuss your dissatisfaction and explain the relationship as it stands isn't enough for you. Then this either change and you stay or you respect your partner enough to leave if sex is that important.

Longtalljosie · 17/04/2015 07:40

Not only is there no sex but he doesn't treat you very well either?

I think you need to work on your self-esteem...

LoisPuddingLane · 17/04/2015 08:43

I'm not entirely certain what input you want from us lot.

It's clearly a crappy relationship but when people say "hm maybe you should think about leaving" you say I CAN'T I LOVE HIM.

OK. Don't leave him then. But he's not likely to change - you've said yourself you'd spoken to him and things didn't change at all.

Quitelikely · 17/04/2015 09:01

Well if there's no sex you aren't in a relationship you are just friends/flat mates.

Is that what you want?

When did he stop having sex with you? Has he explained why? Does he masturbate?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2015 09:06

Can you discuss having an open relationship?
Tell him you have needs and he doesn't meet them.
You don't want to end things so this could be your solution?
That might put a rocket up his arse.

BuntyBoogaloo · 17/04/2015 09:11

So he doesn't treat you well and there's no sex life?
Just why are you with this prize among men then?
As josie said, you should look at yourself first. Your self esteem must be on the floor.

BackCrackandNappySack · 17/04/2015 09:20

if I love him the sex bit shouldnt matter….

Well if you are in a relationship with someone who physically cannot have sex due to illness or disability then I might agree with you. But other people just don't want sex and choose not to have it for months or years at a time, for whatever reason, and sometimes their partners suffer emotionally because of that. It's not a question of right versus wrong, it's about both people being happy and compatible and able to live with whatever is on offer from the other without feeling either unduly pressured, or unloved and unfulfilled.

Why don't you feel ready to leave him? Confused

Do you live together and have any children together? It's not just the mismatched sex drives, it's about the fact that he makes you feel crap about yourself and doesn't always treat you very nicely. What is there to 'love to bits' about that?

If you are asking for permission to start having casual affairs just to see what else is out there to boost your ego, then that won't happen all the while you are still with him. But equally neither is anyone going to 'shake' you and say 'stay were you are and just learn to live with it.'

If you do start having affairs, the upshot will be that eventually he will catch you out, or you will meet someone you really fall for and the relationship will break up anyway. So why not just do it all the right way around from the beginning?

Are you just frightened of being alone?

Cabrinha · 17/04/2015 09:23

Forget the sex.
He doesn't treat you well.
That is enough to end it.

pocketsaviour · 17/04/2015 11:10

"You're crap in bed, so I'm going to start banging one of your mates. Cool with that?"

That should get the conversation started.

Goodbetterbest · 17/04/2015 11:17

Sex does matter. It matters a lot. Feeling attractive, desired by your partner - your LIFE partner - matters. It binds you, it's exclusive, it is intimate.

I hadn't had sex for years in my marriage. The effect it had on my self-esteem was shattering. Don't under-estimate it. Look into counselling and try to reach a balance and compromise. If it's important to you, it should be important to him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/04/2015 11:33

As you have broached this with him before and he has made no effort to change, why not give him notice you are unhappy and plan to go. He may think it is an idle threat so be prepared to carry it through if he pours scorn or derides you.

Was he your first serious relationship since your marriage? You may have loved him, you may in some sense have felt grateful for someone who appeared not to resemble exH. That doesn't mean you are obliged to stick with him.

I don't think you really intend cheating, you know the pain your ex caused. You can still have feelings for a person but recognise that you are not a good match.

You say you have lead a very sheltered life so at the risk of stating the obvious, may I just add, these other men you have had attention from - if they know you are 'spoken for' some men feel safe flirting and know there's a limit. They're going to project the image you want to see. If you end this relationship, look before you leap into the next.

Justusemyname · 17/04/2015 11:37

What IS he good for as you don't love him, don't like him and want to have sex without other men behind his back? Is he loaded?

Untouchable · 17/04/2015 11:45

Don't have an affair, you will feel shit.
Has you two explored any of the health associated problems he might be having with a GP?
Have you had a conversation about whether he might be gay/not attracted to you anymore?
You need answers, you probably won't like them but you need them.

Original poster
shelteredlife1783 · 17/04/2015 17:10

He is staying at my house tonight but ive already been told dont expect anything as hes sore down there!
we need to have a talk I know I just dont know what to say and he doesnt listen anyway!

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 17/04/2015 17:12

Why is he sore down there? That sounds...sexy.

Jan45 · 17/04/2015 17:13

What is there to love when you say he doesn't treat you very well, never mind the no sex, what's the point?

Original poster
shelteredlife1783 · 17/04/2015 17:24

he says its from having rough sex a week or so ago ( 1st time in ages ), I didnt think it was that rough though

OP posts: