Please help - am I being threatened?......

[fairylightsrock]

I don't mean physically.... But after yet another argument over something really pointless - me leaving DP's breakfast stuff for him to clear away.... it has resulted in be being told that he will screw me financially and that he has facts that I will find out about soon enough (I have no idea what this is).... that he and our girls will be fine..... But I need to wait and see what will happen... I feel really upset - I'm just at my wits end.... We have been together for 13 years and married for 8.... have 2 beautiful daughters 5 and 4 who are my world... I've never felt emotionally supported in this relationship but have amazing friends ( who I don't see enough of!) who are really on my side but my kids love their Dad and love our family so I can't bear the thought of it falling apart - especially now I'm scared about what he is planning..... I have suggested counselling for years but he has always refused saying I'm the one with the problem and I'm the most selfish person he has ever met (!).... the one time he did agree to try counselling he then changed his mind a week later as I had not booked in an appointment. I want to go to relationship counselling myself - making excuses really but I'm either at work or with the kids and have very little time - it's also expensive..... sorry this is so jumbled I hope someone can make sense of it and maybe be a friendly ear!

he is gaslighting you. google gaslighting and see if he fits the pattern. it is done to keep you off balance and under control. the implied threat is that he will take the kids off you. im also reading a more sinister scenario tho i think hes full of bs. does he never clear away his dirty plates?

Sounds like he's narcissistic and is playing you. I think you need counselling to build your own self-esteem and to help you see that this isn't a good thing for your children to witness and you need to start being responsible for yourself and less dependent on him calling the shots.

In the meantime checkout 'women who love to much' on Amazon.

Mark 1 Bullshitter.

However: get all the financial info you can. Search the various business registers for his name, and cross check your own address plus the address of his DPs and siblings. He may be hiding a business. Check your house on the Land Registry: it's not unknown for mortgage fraud in these situations and the entry will show ownership and any charges over the property.

Counselling is a non-starter. He's EA, so it's not recommended as a couple. Tje "selfish" insult is projection. Counselling for you? It might help you come to terms with the end of the relationship.

Install Call Recorder on your phone, back up SMS and have voice recording running in his presence. Get the DC's passports out of the house.

Coursge, strength and keep us posted.

Thanks for the replies folks... I've just had somewhat of a revelation reading about gas lighting.... Not heard of it before and it pretty much sums up most of our conversations/arguments for the past 10 years! I'm a pretty resilient person and always put on a brave face, can look on the bright side but years of confidence knocking has to take its toll... I will definitely seek out counselling for me as whatever happens I will need support ... And yes! Not clearing up his breakfast is an ongoing issue but seems really petty... Just my way of trying to say I feel there is an imbalance in what we do at home as we both work... But as the usual conversation goes it's me being lazy or whinging... Luckily he's gone to sleep upstairs feeling sorry for himself so I can relax.... I will keep you posted.... Thanks again

You not clearing up his breakfast ?

Has he no arms ?

Hi Op. Please read your last sentence. He is upstairs so you can relax. What the actual fuck are you with this ghastly man for? Please use this latest diatribe against you, against him. Get everything photocopied and away safe. See a solicitor and get away with your DD's. If he asks you why you did it, repeat back to him verbatim what he said so he absolutely understands that this is his doing and his alone. I lived with a master of gaslighting pre MN. I realised through a book a friend loaned me. Keeping you unhappy, off centre and a bit stressed is how these types get their fun. You can't only have a nice time when he is upstairs or away from you. One life only OP.

Fairy lights, eek your post reminded me of my ex. Same words, same comments. (Except the breakfast pots bit).

We split 9 years ago and my life is now amazing! I no longer dread the sound of the front door opening. I met someone fantastic and my life is great.

It wouldn't have been if I had stayed with my bitter, shrivelled, gas lighting, ea ex. Unsurprisingly he is still bitter. He pretends to be the life and soul but he thinks the world owes him a favour.

Get your facts together and get out. Keeping your family together. My new family is so much better for my daughter to witness. Kindness, compassion, love. This she would never have seen if I had stayed with him.

Good luck, move on.

Not clearing up his breakfast is an ongoing issue but seems really petty

Yes it is petty. Of him. S/he who makes the mess clears the mess. Simple rule of life.

After today's carry on I would never ever clear it up again.

I don't give in to toddler tantrums, no matter how old the "toddler" is, because I know caving would teach the "toddler" that the bad behaviour gets them what they want.

Do you give your DDs what they want when they have a tantrum?

They'll be watching and learning from him btw. Will they learn how to control you and follow his tactics as they get older? Or will you stop that behaviour from them: then they will learn that is only OK for men to treat their wives like this.

You might have made a mess by caving to his tantrums previously. Time to clear up your mess? Counselling is a good idea.

"We have been together for 13 years and married for 8.... have 2 beautiful daughters 5 and 4 who are my world... I've never felt emotionally supported in this relationship but have amazing friends ( who I don't see enough of!) who are really on my side but my kids love their Dad and love our family so I can't bear the thought of it falling apart - especially now I'm scared about what he is planning..... I have suggested counselling for years but he has always refused saying I'm the one with the problem and I'm the most selfish person he has ever met (!)...."

Your children love their mum too and are probably confused and bewildered by their dad's behaviours towards you. They see and hear an awful lot.

I would think you have been gaslighted throughout much if not all of your marriage. Feeling not emotionally supported is a huge red flag. Joint counselling is a complete waste of time, its never recommended at all when there is any type of abuse within the relationship. He is mirroring his own behaviours i.e. selfishness onto you; its an effective control tactic. That's why he uses it against you. You are really being controlled here by him.

What do YOU get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met by him here?.

Your children are learning about relationships from the two of you, what are they learning here?. They could go onto learn that this is indeed how couples behave in relationships, that this becomes their "normal" for them. This is not the legacy you want to be leaving them.

I would certainly read "Women who love too much" and talk to Womens Aid today. I would also suggest you seek legal advice as well so you know where you stand going forward too. Knowledge after all is power!.

Oh he sounds awful, and now using threats to keep you in line, or keep you in fear until he leaves. You need Women's Aid and a solicitor now. You and your girls deserve so much better than this abusive twat. Please piss on his fireworks and get it recorded everywhere you can how he treats you. GP, school, HV, WA and solicitor. Then if he does start making wild accusations against you then at least you will have ammunition of your own.

So .... this morning DP came downstairs and immedialty said he thinks we should sit down tonight to discuss him moving out ... something he has said before as he knows it unsettles me - I replied that if that was what he wanted then ok we will chat later - but that I did not want him threatening me saying he will screw me financially etc... he then said 'Oh I only said that because you are being nasty to me - after I've been away from the house working for 12 hours it would be nice if you did something for me' ..... interestingly he was visibly thrown when I said I was going to find a counsellor to go to on my own as It would help me - probably because he knows it will give me some control and confidence - I've been running away from this all for ages - escaping by yoga/ running seeing friends or wine!! but I have to start dealing with it - Atilla you are so right about the effects it will have on my kids long term and what they witness now - They make comments already about why Mummy and Daddy never cuddle when they see other couples together thinkign it's funny - Shize/43 it's really positive to hear there are happy endings!! I know this all sounds weak and but I have so many ( unhelpful ) niggling voices like my Mum saying that you should always stay together for the kids because they have stability; like the radio report I heard the other week about kids from separated families doing worse long term and a fried of mine talking about kids from 'broken homes' at her school and their bad behaviour that I worry about us seprataing - It also really distresses me that I'll spend half my week without my kids - It's such a horrible thought!!!
I feel like an idiot TBH - I can't believe I've put up with this relationship when i'm a relativelly intelligent and likeable person! Thanks for all the advice....

You put up with it because you thought, misguided of course, that staying together 'for the children' is the right thing to do.
There are many thousands of messed up children out there, messed up because their parents stayed together and their life was miserable and they learned awful lessons and repeated them in adult life.
Please don't the burden of your unhappiness on your children, that is not fair.
The scales are falling from your eyes now and you will need to make decisions for your and your children's futures.
Make those decisions good ones.

We divorced when my DDs were 3&4. Both top of their classes now. One is about to jump a year. Honestly kids from broken homes (haha) are fine. Fucked up relationships have a far greater long term impact.

Hmm, you know every time I hear that kids from broken homes have more ishoos, I always think "Bad marriages are likely to end in divorce. Kids exposed to bad marriages and/or bullying behaviour will have more ishoos than those raised within good relationships. Therefore children of divorced parents will be more likely to have issues."

Surely it isn't the breaking up that causes the problems, it is exposure to the behaviour that forced the break up that causes the problems.

The sooner you get them out the better their chances are.

Did they witness him threatening you over clearing-up-my-own-bowl-gate?

Thanks- I need to hear more of this. I know my excuses sound lame but there is still a negative view in society about split families but honestly my kids are the priority...they have so much love and are happy kids that I'm sure they will be ok...It's only just becoming obvious to me how I am being manipulated as to most people he is charming funny and lovely.... He charms the pants off my mum and has invited her on holiday with us ( which he never stops reminding me of!) ... I wish I could understand why and where it all comes from...

who cares what society thinks?? Just because the daily fail or whoever hate single mothers it doesn't mean we are bad. My DC are from a 'broken' home - and they are fabulous. Much happier since their abusive excuse for a father buggered off. Oh and I was threatened with all sorts, how every judge in the land would allow him to see his children. Well he doesn't see them, and hasn't for years. Empty threats made to keep you in line and scare you are the lowest of the low. stop trying to understand him, stop telling him what you are doing and get yourself a solicitor and Women's Aid advice.

I don't see the negative view in society, there's no such thing as a nuclear family anymore, life is too short to be stuck with a miserable partner, you can have a happier life if you choose to.

I don't see the negative view either and I've been separated for well over 5 years now.

Your DC are 4 and 5? Not many mates with "broken homes" visible yet?

By time they are 11 and 12, I bet quite a few of their class-mates will have separated parents. That's what I've seen round here (and we live in a naice area).

"Society" might have a negative view but the people who know you won't give a toss.

How would you react if one of your friends who you thought was happily married announced she and her husband were splitting up because "we haven't been happy for years." Would you judge? Would you think less of her? Would you go all Daily Mail on her?

Or would you think "Oh, that's a shame. It just goes to show Grandma was right, you never can tell what goes on behind closed doors". Would you offer her sympathy, help and a shoulder to cry on?

NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING will break a child more than growing up in an environment where one partner threatens to destroy the other.

let him go. be prepared for him to unravel, but power through it and be rid of him. maybe the process will shock him into not being such a prick in future.

Your kids are A priority. not THE priority. You have to keep their best interests in mind, but sometimes you have to make sure that your interests do not suffer as a result. If you put yourself last all the time, how are others supposed to know that you are important enough to bother with? Your kids will grow up thinking you don't matter either.

NEVER EVER DO COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN. he will use it to wipe the floor with you.

By "there is still a negative view in society about split families" do you actually mean "my mother's generation has a negative view about split families"?

He enjoys having you around to bully and has found a way to make you stay. All his good actions are done for this reason.

What hissy said. It is important for your daughters to learn that being a good mother is not about putting yourself last and putting everyone else's needs above your own. A mother is a person too. A person worthy of respect. A person with an independent mind.

I think Libby Purves put it best "Of course I would lay down my life for my children but I don't see why I should have to do it every day." I'm quoting from memory but I think that was it

Being charming to other people is generally what these people do, and they do it well. He won't want others to witness his shoddy, abusive behaviour to you.

You've had good advice here - speak to Women's Aid, speak to your Health Visitor too, if you can.

In time, he will start to treat you children just as badly as he treats you. Of course, they will be used to that, having witnessed it against you for all of their lives, so they will meekly fall in line and accept it. It is so important that you get you and your DC away from him, so that they can experience a truly happy home, with freedom and kindness towards each other.

DB and SIL's split when the DCs were 5, 3 and 2 was the best thing for all concerned. The adults weren't fighting, DB could go and learn Not To Be a Tit, DC1 could have his ASD properly addressed.

And they co-parent properly, now there's no hidden agendas.