Please help - am I being threatened?......

[fairylightsrock]

I don't mean physically.... But after yet another argument over something really pointless - me leaving DP's breakfast stuff for him to clear away.... it has resulted in be being told that he will screw me financially and that he has facts that I will find out about soon enough (I have no idea what this is).... that he and our girls will be fine..... But I need to wait and see what will happen... I feel really upset - I'm just at my wits end.... We have been together for 13 years and married for 8.... have 2 beautiful daughters 5 and 4 who are my world... I've never felt emotionally supported in this relationship but have amazing friends ( who I don't see enough of!) who are really on my side but my kids love their Dad and love our family so I can't bear the thought of it falling apart - especially now I'm scared about what he is planning..... I have suggested counselling for years but he has always refused saying I'm the one with the problem and I'm the most selfish person he has ever met (!).... the one time he did agree to try counselling he then changed his mind a week later as I had not booked in an appointment. I want to go to relationship counselling myself - making excuses really but I'm either at work or with the kids and have very little time - it's also expensive..... sorry this is so jumbled I hope someone can make sense of it and maybe be a friendly ear!

Yes I definitely hear you- I wouldn't judge anyone for separating.... I'd think good on them for being true to themselves... I think my mums opinion comes from the 'life isn't a bowl of cherries' argument which we were ingrained with!! But existing in a miserable relationship is hardly a bowl of cherries... I can cope with society here as I live in a very diverse and open minded place and luckily have friends nearby... I'm getting the impression that the kids will be ok from your stories...but yes as my kids are young Melon there are very few people around in the same boat.... Of those who've gone it alone how did you cope with not seeing your kids part of every week.., DP loves his kids and vice versa so I'd never have problems with access although he probably wouldn't win Dad of the year award... Lots of shouting and being really impatient with them ... And me..! It probably sounds controlling of me but I want them to have the best experience of life.... Ok maybe I should have worked this out before having his children??!

If he is shouty and impatient to the DC then realistically, you may need to consider the amount of contact he has with them. He doesn't sound like a good role model, and having to cope with them on his own may make him more impatient. It may also be the case that in time, your DC will decide for themselves that they don't want to see shouty dad as much. Really, who would?

Contact is for the children's benefit, not the parent.

"after I've been away from the house working for 12 hours it would be nice if you did something for me" Who the fuck does he think he is? What does he do for you as well? I am sure you'd be more inclined to tidy away his shit if he was nice and did that type of thing for you in return (or if he didn't leave his shit around all the time!).

Agree with Melon as well. The 'damage' to kids is far more likely perpetrated by seeing a bad relationship acted out in front of them; poverty because the abusive father has buggered off taking any wealth with him or from the abusive parent i.e. your DP. The act of splitting up is more likely to limit the damage or even reverse it.

You've got to remember a lot of people (including the media and the government) are very invested in keeping women in abusive relationships

I'm feeling much more proactive about changing things after all this advice and am thinking that there are alternatives and that this is more than just a rubbish relationship - That I'm being bullied and my kids will suffer if I don't move forward - so Thank you
It's really easy to carry on blindly in a situation when after the arguments and ranting where I either quietly wait until it's over or apologise for something to keep the peace DP is nice to me and to the kids for a couple of weeks.... until the next time and so it goes on...... The longer I wait the more the kids will be affected and the harder it will be - I'll do some research and get some professional advice and keep you updated....... as Shize said earlier.... one life.....

Good luck.

OP, you sound great and you deserve much better that what you are getting from this inadequate shithead

No way to live OP, and can I just say that is bullocks about kids from separated parents doing badly, not if the split is handled amicably or at least not using the kids to score points.

I brought my daughter up alone and she did better than her peers who came from so called stable families - she's an absolute delight and well rounded well adjusted self proud adult, don't believe that story, it comes from the 1950s.

Just to reassure you.. I was in an abusive relationship mostly EA but some physical. We left when my Ds was 10 months old as I felt my DS was in danger.

We went into a refuge and now are on our own. He hasn't seen his dad since he was 3 ..He is now 8. He is top for maths, and reading writing is a struggle but believe it always would of been. He is very well behaved at school. One teacher said to him once..your problem is that you don't understand why people are unkind as you are so kind.

I am 10 times a better mum than I was with ex because I have the courage of my convictions.

I also had to speak to head about safety risks from my ex before DS started school. I did say apart from that we are a normal family..Her response was if there is one thing I have learnt in this job is there is no such thing as a normal family.

Good luck. Onwards and upwards to your new happy and peaceful life.

Separating from men like this FIXES a family.
I guarantee.

My Dcs are a million billion trillion times more authentically happy now. This guy will never change and when you get to the place where you are looking back, you will be so sad you let this arsehole shout at your babies for no reason.

Womens Aid. Solicitors. Counsellor.

Good luck op. Life will be so much better if you can lose the arsehole.

As for broken homes, fuck that! Dd is doing great, her teachers really like her, she has a solid set of friends, a nice part time job. She is compassionate, caring and top set for her subjects.

Would she be like that if she was nervous of dad being ea to her mum. Or if she had become ea herself. Or had met an ea boyfriend aged 14 thinking it was the norm. Or had attacked dad for being an abusive arsehole?

Where's the studies on the kids who's parents remain together in an ea relationship?

Ok So I think I'm learning...! Just had a long conversation with DP initiated by him saying ' let's draw up a list of chores for me to do so you feel I contribute' ... Which I naively as impressed with as it sounded like a nice plan... Until it turned into us discussing separating and DP coming up with a hugely convincing story about how he is the victim in the situation and I've ruined his life plan... How I've implied that I wouldn't let him see his kids and how I'm after all his money (!) ... He has made me feel insecure so I've probably admitted that I'm worried how I'd cope financially being part time self employed...He is SO clever and manipulative....and it really worries me that he could make up anything he likes... He remembers and repeats conversations we had years ago and twists everything around..., Had a wobble.., but I know it's all lies... I must get evidence of chats like this and write things down ... Professional advice, solicitor, womens aid... The knowledge of the past 24 hours and reading other posts is sinking in....

Oh and 43 you sound like a great Mum... Well done... Respect to anyone who has dealt with this... It's mind blowing!

starlight top in maths and struggling with reading/writing ........that was .my son. Big differentials were a flag up. He was found to be dyslexic.

Hard work and choosing suitable subjects were .important and he's now a Dr.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack but that leapt out at me!

Starlight... Loved your post too... Brave lady ... You should be proud...

Hey OP I'm finding it strange reading about your DP - as that is word for word the kind of thing my OH says. Especially calling me selfish. Then talking about drawing up lists of chores!!! He did a whole spreadsheet once off his own back, he pinned it to the fridge and 10 minutes later he tore it down and ripped it up because he found out I'd gone to work that day behind his back (total loser!!!)

I've just read 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven. I just bought it on Amazon and read it really quickly as it is quite short. It is so enlightening and made everything so clear. Here is a link to the main image which shows how 'The Dominator' behaves www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad.pdf

Also, you said he is talking about moving out. I would encourage him as much as you can to move out. I'm in a situation where OH would never leave, and if you can keep your home that would be the best thing.

Also, I found a solicitor appointment really useful, as mentioned by everyone else.

best of luck xx

Set up a new secret hotmail account. Write emails from that address to yourself at that address. Don't give it to anyone and make sure the email address and password is something that you would never ever use.

Email yourself a diary entry each day. Note words, expression, tone and how it made you feel.

He knows you are acting unusual, your reaction to splitting up was different - hence his list.

Now watch his reaction. You have had accusation - you are the bad guy, he is the innocent victim ( that's him playing on your kind nature, accusing you of being something you clearly aren't). You have had gold digger ( that's him projecting the fact he is worried about paying maintenance).

Yet to come are - Kindness. criticism. The accusations of craziness. Anger. Rage. Suicide threats. Interspersed with tears. Cries of bad mum. You get a gold star if he cries bad mum, mentions social services and then flounces out the house leaving you in sole charge of the children he is so very concerned about.

You need to keep your wits about you, make notes and keep posting. Don't tell him your worries, he will use them against you. Unfortunately he isn't your friend.

Ha yes ... 43 if he flounced out of the house and didn't come back it would make life easy! That would be SO much easier.... I sometimes hope he spontaneously combusts into thin air... I've had the 'I really think you need help, you are crazy' line before... When the kids were really Young and I was sleep deprived...So much so that I went to my GP who was lovely and just said 'I think you just need a week of rest...!!' Good idea about secret emails.... I rang a counsellor today so that's a good step...

I'm so glad I found this thread today.

I called the police out yesterday after going through 'low level' DA for 5 years. We have been split up for 3 years and have lived apart all that time and yet he still makes such a massive negative impact upon my life.

The gaslighting has been a revelation. He has never physically hurt me but over time just made my life a living hell. Walking on eggshells was a daily occurance and he got into the habit of leaving for weeks on end and leaving me terrified that he wouldn't transfer money into my account for the bills. It became unbearable that the last time he left I refused to let him back.

And I honestly feel that for the past three years he has been punishing me for that. We have dd and ds. So he's still around. He's cut maintenance on the basis of an argument, cancelled direct debits, refused money for clothes and shoes and let me down over childcare.

I've come a long way in the three years and since I returned to work he has less power. Although my return to work was also greeted with a deduction in maintenance.

I've been through CMS over maintenance but because he is self employed it's a waste of time. I've tried to appeal and had my MP involved, but again, not much happening.

And so this weekend I had a load of abuse from him and his father. Dd wanted a toy from home and ex said she could get it but would then have to stay at home. I'm working so said no, she can't come back.

He twists everything and I was accused of kicking off all the time. The past three times he has had children he has tried to change arrangements at the last minute and I've refused. It's taken me a very long time to get the courage that I stick to my guns on access front. The minute I say no, he goes mad.

Anyway police not very helpful. Said I had a stronger case of DA when he was living with me but that was 3 years ago. Now, pretty much unless he hits me, then I don't have a case. Doesn't matter how intimidating he is, that he swears at me in front of the kids... It's my word against his. She even said he gives you money, that he doesn't have to, therefore it sounds more likely that you've just had an argument, he's said nasty things and that has upset you.

But she did agree to phone him and have a word. How do you prove your ex is narcissistic?

Hello fairy how's it going today?

Foxy, I do suggest the child maintenance service(or whatever it's called). As a treat for not paying on time he gets extra money taken from him. Start a new thread on relationships ( cut and paste your post here) you will then get responses.

My mum stayed with my EA father " for the children".
We didn't really notice what was going on until I was about 9 or 10 as he was a bit if a " Disney" Dan and my Mum was the boring one.
My childhood was pretty messed up, there was a permanent atmosphere and we all had to tread on eggshells all the time in case we set him off.
My Mum didn't leave until we had left home but by the both me and my brother had a lot of issues and I also feel responsible for my Mum staying in a shit marriage.
If she had left earlier it would have been better for all concerned and I probably would have had a better relationship with my father as well.
You really need to leave this man, he isn't a great Dad if he treats you like this and soon your children will realise it too