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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sad end of relationship- handholding needed please :(

31 replies

tadpoleswithlegs · 16/04/2015 21:05

I need some advice on how to cope with the sadness that is taking over me. I am 40, have been with my partner since we were 20 and have three children under ten.
He is a lovely person and has never done me any wrong, he has always worked, no abuse and been a great Dad to the kids. For the last year things haven't been right between us, we have grown apart and have nothing in common anymore- no hobbies and very little sex. We have both tried so hard to hide these feelings of dissatisfaction with our lives and plodded through burying our heads in our seperate hobbies and jobs but it has all come to a head where we have finally admitted that the relationship has come to an end- we are like friends not partners.

The sadness is overwhelming and I am finding it hard to deal with, if any one can offer any advice I would really appreciate it as I can't stop cying and mourning the loss of the life that I wanted so much.

If any one recognises me in real life from this post then please don't mention it to me as I will die of embarassment.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 16/04/2015 21:09

I'm so sorry, is there no way things can be worked out?

I understand your pain, it's the grief for the life you thought you were going to have

Flowers
LaurieFairyCake · 16/04/2015 21:10

Sad {{{{hugs}}}} for you. Very sad for this mutual end.

It sounds like you really both care for and want the best for each other. I know this will be separately for you both.

While you transition to being single you will need to take great care of yourself and mourn for the end of your marriage.

It also sounds like you've had a very successful marriage, not all relationships are forever and you've accomplished so much. A good family life and happy children. You should both be proud.

cozietoesie · 16/04/2015 21:10

Has it really come to an end? Are you sure that this isn't a 'resting place' - a place to take stock of things and maybe both move forward from?

Pinktartan · 16/04/2015 21:13

That's sad. Is there any way the passion could be spiced up a little? A mini break away? A new hobby you could both do together?

If not then time really is the best healer.

Seriouslyffs · 16/04/2015 21:14

Are you sure?
What have you done to try and fix things? Lots of couples feel pretty disconnected at times and life is a drudge with young children. I have more fun with my husband of 20 years and more in common than I did when my dcs were your age.

Mom2K · 16/04/2015 21:15

Would both you and your DH be open to try counselling? As well as other things like planning one date night a week where you just take time together to try and reconnect/rekindle what you had?

I think given the fact that you had a great relationship, and things only started changing in the past year (and even now you would still say you are friends - lots of people end their relationships despising one another) that there could be a good chance that you can reconnect and regain what you had if you're both willing to try. Flowers

Caoimhe1922 · 16/04/2015 21:15

So sorry Tadpole.
You sound heartbroken. Does your DH feel as sad as you? If so maybe your marriage isn't completely over.
Would you consider counselling. I have heard that the right counselling can help your break up be as good as it could be and if there was any hope of a reconciliation perhaps help you both to find the right way through this.
I do hope you can get through this and find joy again either together or apart.

Original poster
tadpoleswithlegs · 16/04/2015 21:18

Cozietoesie- I really think that they have, we both agree that we have just turned into housemates with seperate lives and we just hang around at the weekends for the kids when we would prefer to be doing our own thing instead, but we still care deeply for each other.

I feel pathetic. I read on here all of the time where people need help to escape abuse and all sorts of horrible lives when here I am in tears needing help over a mutual split which is amicable so far, oddly I think it may have been easier if it wasn't

OP posts:
Mintyy · 16/04/2015 21:18

A year is not much time at all when you consider that many marriages survive for 50 or 60. Are you certain you both want to say goodbye?

trackrBird · 16/04/2015 21:19

What happened over the past year, I wonder. What was different? Was it ok up to then, or is this really a long term process?
You don't have to answer. It's just that you specifically mention the past year, OP.

Joysmum · 16/04/2015 21:19

I'm so glad you've vone to this conclusion sooner, rather than later. My parent didn't, and spent longer in a relationship that deprived them of seeking happiness.

Since they split (2 weeks after I left home) they've both been so much happier.

The split was hard because, like you, they liked and respected each other so there was no hate to give them strength and purpose.

My dad has remarried and she's totally amazing! My mum chose to remain single and she's happy that way.

I wish my parents had split years before. They thought they were doing right by me by staying together. In actual fact by staying together my perception of what a marriage is fell way below what it ought to have been. My early relationships were settling for ok. It took a while to learn my parents were wrong.

Seriouslyffs · 16/04/2015 21:20

Date nights are vastly over rated IMO- expensive and a lot of pressure to connect 'on tap'
Can to change your routine at home to spend more time together? Watch a long series? Cook and eat together? Do your hobbies take you away from each other? I'd both of you take a break and spend that time together. If that sounds unconscionable to either of you then you're probably right and this relationship is over.
Flowers

cozietoesie · 16/04/2015 21:20

Caring deeply for each other is something to build on I think. Once you've got the upset out, I wouldn't be quite so fast to end things irrevocably.

cleanmyhouse · 16/04/2015 21:26

I think you're very, very brave.

Flowers
Original poster
tadpoleswithlegs · 16/04/2015 21:27

Joysmum- your experience is exactly what has been playing on our minds. we both respect and like each other but look at each other and think "Is this it?" We can feel the negativity starting to grow between us and don't want it to grow in to hate for the sake of the children. I feel that things will get worse and worse as time goes on and neither of us want that, we just want to lead fulfilling lives with actual proper full on happiness instead of making-do.
I just dread waking up in ten years time either kicking myself for leaving what has been a good realtionship for years or kicking myself for not getting out sooner and finding some joy in my life

OP posts:
Original poster
tadpoleswithlegs · 16/04/2015 21:30

I don't want to spend potentially the next 45 years regretting staying in a dull, lifeless relationship and neither does he but a big part of my brain asks myself if we are being stupid as things could be so much worse

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/04/2015 21:36

'things could be so much worse' is no reason to stay in a relationship with someone - but you do seem to be moving into this at breakneck speed. Would it be beneficial do you think if one or both of you were to take some initial time-out to think things over in light of the discussion you've had? Would your schedules permit such a thing?

forgetandforgive · 16/04/2015 21:40

I agree with mum2k. Have you and your husband tried talking about your concerns and how its affecting the way you feel. I believe that in your case, you had a loving and respectful relationshipthen love can be re-kindled. Its such a shame to give up on someone that only one year ago things had change. If you still love your dp and he the same to you. I think its worth getting some conselling before you make your mind up. Sometimes when you've been with someone for that long, it feels like you're stuck in a rut, but love can get stronger because I can see from your post that mutual respect and friendship is still present. Which is a good start to any loving relationship.

caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 21:52

I know how your feeling. Me and my husbsnd separated 2 years ago. He made the decision in the end but i agreed as i didnt have those feelings for him anymore. We have 2 children 2 and 4. Im planning on divorcing this year but the guilt i have on my children is unbearable. We bought them into this world with the intention we would be a happy family and they would have 2 loving parents. Somehow i feel we have let yhem down.
..joysmum, your post made me feel a liitle better but im still balling my eyes out! So sorry your going to go through this tadpoleswithlegs. X

Original poster
tadpoleswithlegs · 16/04/2015 22:09

caitsmummy- I will move across the misery bench so you can you join me!

If we didn't have the children then it wouldn't be as bad and it wouldn't have lasted as long as it has if I am honest, I am trying not to tell them that we are seperating until I can do it in a calm and much less emotional way than I could manage at the moment. I really wanted to bring them all up in a traditional family with walks in the park and sunbathing on the beach etc but as much as I like my partner I don't want to do it with him :(

I feel so selfish and like we have failed them but we have felt so flat for so long that it feels like we are both wasting our lives not doing things.

I just really wish the pain would stop though, all I seem to do is feel depressed, guilty and nauseous

OP posts:
twomanycats · 16/04/2015 22:12

Hello, your post could be my post and a huge heartfelt hug to you. My husband of 9 years left three weeks ago and three weeks before that was on the sofa after declaring that we had gone separate ways, no shared interests etc. Theres no fighting but no future plans either, life has been ticking on over egg shells for years. We have two children under 7. I've begged him back, I've talked to wonderful friends who have listened to me over and over, I've been to the doctor who said to try walking, I've been reading threads on here, I've bought a book on shared parenting and a book on how to heal and move on and all sorts of googling 'my husband left me' and many many other things...and today I'm starting to see that 'things will get easier' because I feel that little bit stronger, little bit less anxious and little bit more that whilst it's sad and not what I wanted for my children or myself it will be okay. Something must have 'clicked' yesterday because the anxiety and uncontrolled sobbing has been constant before. I might not feel like this tomorrow when I drop my kids off for the night at their dads of course but this is our third sleepover and I've booked in great friends to help take the edge off. I took my wedding rings off on Tuesday and I think that's helped. You'll get where you need and want to be...take your time and consider all options. Take care.

caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 22:13

Have you split yet or havent you told him? X

caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 22:16

Twomanycate...be prepared to go back to sobbing again! I had my ok days. I found that i woke inthe morning with a horrible gut feelingand it got better through the day and started again in the evening. X

Original poster
tadpoleswithlegs · 16/04/2015 22:21

Caitsmummy he brought the subject up and said it first so I know that we are both feeling them same way. We are still living together at the moment as it is still very early days so every day life is quite hard (understatement of the year)

OP posts:
caitsmummy · 16/04/2015 22:27

Yes,my ex stayed for about a week before he moved to his sisters but he still came round every evening and id cook him tea and he helped put kids to bed, that went on for a while until it got quite hard for us both and we thought it would confuse the children so he took a step back and started the once twice aweek thing. I have found someone else since, but tbh i think it was too soon and hes completley the opposite to my ex andim abit miserable again and thinking of leaving him..hence my other post, haha! X