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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you say that you're leaving?

44 replies

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 20:23

I've finally made the decision to leave. It has been building for a long time but I found some Facebook messages yesterday which have made me see that enough is enough and I can't give him any more chances.

I just don't know how to tell him. I hate conflict and I keep chickening out. I know he'll cry, deny, cry some more, I feel drained even thinking about it. He's just putting our toddler to bed now and I know I should have it out with him when he comes back downstairs, but what the hell do I say? Oh by the way, I'm leaving you...?

OP posts:

Louboutin37 · 16/04/2015 20:46

Just say it, and remember all the doubts you have, then watch him try and dig himself out. Then remember the doubts again. Life is way too short to stick with it

Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 20:48

I know it's the right thing to do, I just literally can't seem to find the words to start talking about it. I keep taking a deep breath...and then saying nothing. I'm so shit at this.

OP posts:

Piperdog2009 · 16/04/2015 20:49

I have the exact same problem ... But he won't cry or act sad he will just say he's done nothing wrong ... Feel for you hun xx chin up

Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 20:50

Thanks. He's still upstairs at the moment so I'm sitting here fretting about it. Maybe I should just find a box and start slinging stuff in it? But then, he's not too good at understanding subtle.

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Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 20:52

He cried last time I left him. He cried a lot. How quickly they forget huh? Knobhead.

OP posts:

dinoswore · 16/04/2015 20:54

"I need to tell you something. It's serious. I don't want to be in this relationship now. I'm leaving you. It's because of x,y,z. I know you're upset but for the sake of our DC, please let's keep this as calm and amicable as possible."

DorothyGherkins · 16/04/2015 20:55

I knew I d be talked out of it, pleaded with etc. So, after years of discussing how to put things right, which never made a scrap of difference, I left one day without warning him. I d planned my new job, new accommodation etc. I was fed up with just talking about it. I just did it. If you go this route, I think you have to be 100 per cent sure this is what you want. Cowardly perhaps, but he d had chance to discuss and make amends and never thought it was important enough. Life is too short to be miserable.

Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 21:54

Fuck. Bottled it again. Tomorrow night. Maybe I need to write it down. I'm much better in writing than out loud.

OP posts:

DorothyGherkins · 16/04/2015 21:59

Yes try writing it, you can get your thoughts down without being interrupted. He can read it and reread it at his own pace.

DorothyGherkins · 16/04/2015 22:02

Its really hard isnt it, but if you are really unhappy and cant see a future together, what else can you do. No one deserves to be miserable for the rest of their life. There is a brave person inside you trying to get out!

elephantoverthehill · 16/04/2015 22:06

Sorry you are in this position. I know it's a crap place to be in, but are you thinking about leaving tonight and leaving your toddler? I have done it - ie the leaving thing but planned it, made sure I had somewhere to go with DS. It took a few weeks to sort it all out, but it made the transition easier and was able to explain to family and friends beforehand so got support.

Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 22:15

Oh no, not leaving tonight, I wouldn't leave my child. Was just wanting to tell him that I'm planning on leaving. It's going to take a few days to start packing. Then I'll have to decamp to my Mum's until I find somewhere to live.

OP posts:

elephantoverthehill · 16/04/2015 22:37

I am sorry. I did misunderstand. It was the bit about you throwing stuff into boxes that gave me the wrong idea.

Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 22:44

No, my fault, I'm not being very clear because my head is all muddled.

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Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 22:46

I know my decision to leave is right. It's just the actually telling him I'm struggling with.

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Effic · 16/04/2015 22:50

Like Dorothy, I left without telling him. Packed enough stuff to keep me and my boy going for while and then 'moved out' to my parents. I rung him up before he got home from work and told him. Arranged to meet him a couple of days later when I knew I would be stronger and able to not be talked / harangued out of my decision. Best thing I ever did :) Can't believe how happy I am.

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2015 22:57

Why are you leaving and not him?

I would print out any evidence that I had. I know my ex didn't want to see it, probably because he thought I had more on him than I did, but waving it around helped me.

"I've got something to tell you and if I get upset, it's not because I AM upset, it's because I am absolutely fucking furious. I have found these posts of yours on Facebook. They are here - there's no point in you deleting them now. These are absolutely the last straw. I won't tolerate any more. I don't like you and to be honest, at the moment, I'm finding it hard to look at you. We are going to split up. I am going to move out (if that's really what you have decided) and I will be going now. (No point in spending another night arguing.) You will have fair access to the children but you will not persuade me to take you back, so save your tears."

Then go and DO something - anything, but don't stay and argue the toss.

elephantoverthehill · 16/04/2015 23:02

lily not your fault at all! When I eventually left my Exh I became very clear headed and almost clinical in my own opinion. Everyone around me said I was muddled. You and only you know if it is the right course of action. But if you are going, just take the essentials. Stuff is replaceable and he is not going to do much with a few pairs of stillettos and 3 duvet covers etc

Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 23:03

Unfortunately it is me who has to move out as we aren't married and his parents actually own the house so I have no rights.

I could do with a bit of anger, it would definitely help but this time I just feel tired and worn down. I'm not wavering on my decision, just like I don't have the mental energy to deal with the fallout. I've got a stinking cold which probably isn't helping.
I've booked an appt with CAB for Monday to help advise with what I'm help I might be entitled to etc so that feels like a big positive step.

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Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 23:07

I'm not taking only essentials. I am taking every last thing out if this house that is mine. I'm an only child so not always the best at sharing anyway and it may mean I randomly have mugs but no pans but fuck it. I'm having everything that's mine. All the nicest bits of furniture are what I brought with me when I moved in anyway. They're mine! Going to need a van though and fuck knows where I'm putting it all until I find somewhere to actually live. Which could take a while given that I earn next to nothing (part time) and rents are really high around here compared to wages.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2015 23:07

You need to mentally separate first. You can take your time and wait until you feel better before you deal with it.

I feel for you; I've been where you are now and it's horrible.

elephantoverthehill · 16/04/2015 23:09

Well done you - CAB. stinking cold and being very decisive

Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 23:10

But I can take essentials and come back for the rest at a later date I suppose

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Original poster

PickledLilly · 16/04/2015 23:13

This has been brewing a long time, it just needed something to tip me over the edge and the Facebook messages did it. Especially on top of everything else. Fucking arsehole. Are there any decent men out there? Do they even actually exist?

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elephantoverthehill · 16/04/2015 23:15

Exactly. Essentials. Mind you I remember taking the baby bath as an 'essential' WTF but may be I just used it as a container for knickers and socks.

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