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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H has just left, wants DC9 and DC7 regularly - what do I agree to?

35 replies

PruneNoodle · 16/04/2015 10:05

H has just left, wants DC9 and DC7 every other weekend and 2 nights a week.
H has never ever taken a day off when Cs at home in holidays and leaves home at 5.30am returning 6.30/7pm weekdays to wanting every other weekend and 1 or 2 nights a week.
I'm at a loss. I'd rather he had nothing (I didn't want him to leave) but worry that if I'm unreasonable then might get more than he's initially asking for.
Any advice? Please.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 16/04/2015 10:10

Sorry to hear this OP

When you say you'd rather he had nothing, would that be best for the kids? Is there a back story about him being violent/neglectful or anything?

If not, then stopping the kids from seeing their Dad is really not the way to go.

What he's proposing sounds fair but he'll have to sort his own childcare around his job.

Fiddlerontheroof · 16/04/2015 10:12

That sounds fair to me. I wish my ex stepped up and did that! x

Original poster

PruneNoodle · 16/04/2015 10:13

No reason to not see children, just me feeling hurt and emotionally vulnerable.
Does H have to have every other weekend?

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 16/04/2015 10:15

The norm is every other weekend to stay and one night in the week for a few hours.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 16/04/2015 10:15

Unless he's abusive, it's better for the children that they see him often, so what he's suggesting seems reasonable.

I know it must be really hard, when you're used to being the main carer, but it is a good thing that he's stepping up. I suspect that if this ended up in court, he would be given something similar.

glittertits · 16/04/2015 10:16

Where is he going to live? Can the kids get to school from there - now, and when they are travelling alone? Just thinking logistics.

Fallandfly · 16/04/2015 10:18

Sorry you are feeling so lost. You are likely still in shock. I know that not letting him have the children may seem like the the right thing but unless he's a threat to their safety as much as it may hurt him wanting to see them is a good thing for them.
Has he somewhere appropriate to have them stay? His hours don't sound like mid week would be practical but I'd ask him how he proposed to do it with school etc. also holidays. The reality of this may make him re think.
My ex has mine every other weekend and one night but ive encountered probs with holidays when it was somehow my responsibility it provide childcare.
I'd be calm and set out the practicalities of what he would need to do or put in place to have them. Put the ball in his court and get him to offer solutions.
Look after yourself, it's still raw but does get easier

Reginafalangie · 16/04/2015 10:18

He doesn't have to but given his working week asking for EOW is not unreasonable. I know you are going through hell at the moment but you really do have to put the children first. He does have a right to see them and they have a right to see him.

Try and keep the arrangements amicable because going through the courts will cause you and your children more heartache.

I am sorry you are going through this.

honeyroar · 16/04/2015 10:18

It's not fair for the children to be denied their dad because you're hurting (but sorry you are). What he has suggested is perfectly fair. If you can't be reasonable it will just get sorted out in court and he is likely to get this arrangement anyway, it will just have cost you both a lot of money.

ElectraCute · 16/04/2015 10:27

This is likely to be the sort of arrangement he would get through the courts, more or less (probably 1 night midweek rather than 2 though).

However, any arrangement that includes overnight stays midweek definitely needs to take into account his working hours, and it's not unreasonable of you to emphasise this. If he has no option but to leave at 5.30am then it doesn't seem workable, but if he is prepared/able to make changes to his working week then it is a reasonable request.

Having said all that, I completely sympathise with how you are feeling at the moment. You must be in total shock and the thought of 'losing' your children, even for a short amount of time, as well as your marriage is incredibly painful. But, it is always better - barring any abusive behaviour of course - for children to be able to see their NRP regularly, no matter how much it hurts you at the moment.

- it will get easier. Believe it or not you will even come to enjoy the child-free times, in the end.

Bogeyface · 16/04/2015 11:24

I smell child support avoidance and legal advice. Sorry to be so cynical but in my experience a hands off father doesnt suddenly become super dad on separation unless there is something in it for him.

How did the separation occur? Do you suspect an OW? Did he just spring it on you with little or no warning?

Original poster

PruneNoodle · 16/04/2015 13:07

He's a good dad. It's just very annoying that he says now that he can change his hours for the children now that he's left, but never did before.
No OW that I know about, however I'm sure office bike will have been to his new place by now
Thank you, everyone, for words of sanity - I'm not thinking straight - you are helping.

OP posts:

Reginafalangie · 16/04/2015 13:13

My ex was unable to change his working hours until we split. Before then in his companies eyes because I worked part time I was the primary carer so they wouldn't allow it. However when we split and we decided on 50 50 care he went to his HR department and they had to change his hours as his parental responsibilities had change and they had a duty to give him suitable hours if possible. Maybe that is what has happened in your exes case.

Original poster

PruneNoodle · 16/04/2015 13:25

H is a 'conman' (contractor), so he decides his hours. So he has decided now that he's going to change them now he's not home for bedtime every night.

OP posts:

Reginafalangie · 16/04/2015 13:29

Ahhh well I am afraid there is little you can do. If you ended up going to court over access they would look and see he has made changes so that he can spend time with his children. They wouldn't care a jot that he chose not to do that when he was with you I am afraid.

You have a lot to think about and you will need to come to terms with the split. It won't be easy I am but you need to try and remember that the children will want to see their dad and no matter how you may feel about him it is important that you don't stop them just because you are angry.

FireCanal · 16/04/2015 13:29

"Office bike"?

Reginafalangie · 16/04/2015 13:31

I think the OP is just hurt, angry and lashing out Fire. It happens when your world comes crashing down around your ears.

Kewcumber · 16/04/2015 13:31

FireCanal - I tried to sit on my hands and not comment on that as OP is obviously stressed. But single women who sleep with single men aren't "bikes" - horrible term.

FireCanal · 16/04/2015 13:34

Sorry, but I think that's a horrible term. I get that the OP is angry but I don't think that really excuses it.

Bogeyface · 16/04/2015 13:35

I dont like anti women language either, but cant we let it go in this situation? The OP is hurting badly and is lashing out. We all say things we wouldnt normally say when we are in pain.

FireCanal · 16/04/2015 13:39

OK, point taken. I can just image the reaction if a man said it though.

Reginafalangie · 16/04/2015 13:39

It is a horrible term and on another thread I would be saying so however on this one under these circumstances maybe best just to see past it.

Original poster

PruneNoodle · 16/04/2015 13:43

I apologise but I can't delete the post - I would if I could.

OP posts:

Reginafalangie · 16/04/2015 13:45

It's ok Prune we can see you are upset.

Do you have any idea of how to move forward from this?

Original poster

PruneNoodle · 16/04/2015 13:45

Can I just ask - does the fact that H has moved out now make him 'single'? I certainly don't feel single.

OP posts:

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