H has just left, wants DC9 and DC7 regularly - what do I agree to?

[PruneNoodle]

H has just left, wants DC9 and DC7 every other weekend and 2 nights a week.
H has never ever taken a day off when Cs at home in holidays and leaves home at 5.30am returning 6.30/7pm weekdays to wanting every other weekend and 1 or 2 nights a week.
I'm at a loss. I'd rather he had nothing (I didn't want him to leave) but worry that if I'm unreasonable then might get more than he's initially asking for.
Any advice? Please.

He has ended the relationship so on paper he is separated as he is still married to you but not in a relationship with you. He may however feel single.

It may be best not to get too hung up on labels at the moment. But, yes, he may well regard himself as single.

I was still hoping that divorce was not inevitable, but sounds like he thinks so

I've now got to work out how to tell my friends and family that he's moved out
I've kept it all to myself for a sense of self preservation

How recent is the separation? I have just spent time with a friend who was in your situation 3 years ago - her children were younger. At the time she was desperate to keep the marriage together and was tearful and upset a lot of the time. 3 years on she is a different and happier woman.

She can now see that the marriage was not the best for her - there were incompatibility issues which only now, from a distance, can she recognise.

The future will be Ok, you will be happier again. My friend was a completely devoted mum and the thought of being away from her children was devastating but now she enjoys her time alone and feels her time with the children is higher quality (if that makes sense).

As your children are older then they will recognise if you prevent them seeing their father and the law is very supportive of the children's right to a relationship with each parent. EOW and 1 night a week is typical.

Get support in real life and recognise that you are in a painful stage but it WILL get better.Anger is a natural defense to pain however don't let it consume you. Real life support, books such as "Getting past your breakup, Susan Elliott" or counselling can help support you through this difficult time.

Lots of men can't take time off work when there is a mum to pick up the slack but it becomes suddenly important when they leave...infuriating. You do need to support contact though.

Sorry this is where your at OP, in the long run you might look back one day and feel his actions will allow you a better future, hopefully. There is nothing you can do with regard to the children, my husband works similar hours and I would feel exactly the same because I feel the DC always fall onto me to sort everything out. Hope you can hold your head high and find a way forward, tell family and friends, their support will assist your self preservation better, they will want to show you they care.

Ps.... in the long run the children will respect you for supporting their relationship with their dad and view you as a great parent putting their needs before your own. It will probably be a tough gig though...

I do think providing there are no abuse issues within the relationship that the children should be supported to maintain relationships with their Dad, even if only until they are old enough to decide for themselves. Others decided for me it was best not to see my mother I hugely resented that.

The best way to tell people is to say it how it is. Don't try and sugar coat it for them otherwise they may think you don't need much support and you will need support.

If you think he wants to work at the marriage and so do you then of course you should. However from what you have written it appears there is no sign of a reconciliation on his part. Especially if he is already discussing access days.

I know you may not want to hear this OP but you need to start thinking of YOUR situation.

Where do you stand financially?
Do you own the family home and can you continue to live there?
Will he financially contribute to the children?
Will he split assets?

When you feel up to it you should see a solicitor. Most give a free half hour and it can be very useful. Mine was and it answered a lot of questions I hadn't even considered.

Stay strong OP.

I did the same a you OP.
I kept it all to myself for so long.
His dirty secret.
It was a huge relief when I did tell family and friends.
They will all rally round and help and support you and you need that more than anything else right now.
Tell someone asap and get that RL support network in place as fast as possible.
It might not feel like it but you will feel a whole lot better once you've shared all of this.