Just want my Mum out of my house

[saltnpepa]

My mum came to visit a couple of days ago and is here until the weekend. She arrived at the kids bedtime creating merry hell and when I asked her why she didn't arrive earlier in the day she said because she would have had to get up early. One of the kids is so tired she's had to have the day off school. She makes snippy comments constantly and does absolutely nothing to help out and sleeps in bed until 9.30, staying reading in bed for another hour even though the kids want to spend time with her. I challenged her yesterday on not helping me tidy up and she sat on the sofa, arms crossed staring at kids tv ignoring everyone for an hour, even the children.

The background is she was emotionally and physically abusive, threatened suicide for as long as I can remember if she didn't get her own way, kicked my sis in law only last year, in short she is bonkers. I can't sleep with her in the house because just seeing her brings it all flooding back. If I bring up the past she says I am lying and accepts no responsibility for anything at all. This visit I told her I wanted her to stay in a B&B and she had a mini tantrum and I caved in and told her she could stay but I barely slept at all last night and not sure how I can go on like this for 3 days. She is still in bed.

Free, finally free.

did it end in a meltdown?

Right, well done.

i want you now to re-read the posts that point out that she was abusive to you, and acknowledge that.

I want you to know that she would absolutely do the same to your DC.

You had no person to protect you, but they have you and your DH. make it count.

Your kids are not devastated, are they? look to the real truth and hold tight to it.

Well done! You're stronger than you think you are, and you have definitely done the right thing.

How are you doing?

wow saltnpepa well done!!! that must have been a difficult incident

I'm calm and feel that I have finally stuck up for myself. Of course she flounced, I offered to put her up in a nearby 4* hotel so that we all had a bit of space but she could come and see the kids but she chose to march out of house wailing. I calmly shut the door behind her. Feels amazing.

" I offered to put her up in a nearby 4* hotel so that we all had a bit of space but she could come and see the kids"

Why on earth did you utter that to her?. She has damaged you and will do a similar level of damage to your children who she is patently not at all bothered about.

Thankfully she flounced off and hopefully she will never darken your door again. I think she will come back again to you because such disordered of thinking people do not let go of control and power that easily.

That part of your comment shows me how utterly conditioned you are with regards to your mother, you actually offered to do this for her (probably also as a result of being conditioned by her or as a coping or defence mechanism arising from your own abusive childhood).

I think talking to a therapist now about your mother if you have never done so would be an extremely good idea. NAPAC would be a good place for you to start.

I think you're being just a tad hard, Attila. I know where you're coming from but I think that, the sheer mechanics of these things not being so easy in real life, the OP did a pretty brave thing. As long as she appreciates that she's taken only a small first step on a long journey, I think she should be OK.

Uhm Attila how would you know that I hadn't had many many years of therapy? I offered to put her up in a hotel because I think I am a decent human being and no matter what a nutball she is I will keep my integrity.

What steps are you going to take now then?

None. She lives in Paris so won't be just turning up in the future. Once her flight has gone in a few days I can fully breathe out, until then there is the outside chance that she could turn up at the door. If she turns up in the next few days I will calmly explain that things aren't working out for me and the children and that we could meet her in cafe for a tea before she flys out. That way the kids get to say goodbye and things might be dignified in a neutral setting. Then in the future if she says she wants to visit I will tell her she can't stay here.

And then I catch hold of myself and think meet for tea? Screw that!

After the emotional rest, maybe think about doing some work on it? She may have made a retreat but she'll regroup and come back at you in some way, either directly or through family members. As Attila said, such people don't like giving up control and influence - they need constant demonstrations of their importance. (More suicide threats, house burning down etc etc.)

As you said - Screw that!

"Attila how would you know that I hadn't had many many years of therapy? I offered to put her up in a hotel because I think I am a decent human being and no matter what a nutball she is I will keep my integrity".

I do not know but I do think you could certainly now do with talking to a therapist. Have you actually had many years of therapy relating to your mother's abuse of you, I am assuming that you have not. I sincerely hope I am wrong.

You may want to keep your integrity but at what cost to you and your family unit?. By offering her a stay in a hotel you only further rewarded her own appalling behaviour. You have further weakened your own position by offering her that. Such behaviour to me suggests that you have become thoroughly conditioned by her, that was also an attempt on your part to appease her.

Why would you also want your children anywhere near her given how you have all been treated?. Its not a criticism of you although you may well view it as such, its a genuine question.

She will likely ring you today or tomorrow offering you the chance to 'make this right'. I would ignore it. Your children don't need this shit in their lives.