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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just want my Mum out of my house

39 replies

saltnpepa · 16/04/2015 09:48

My mum came to visit a couple of days ago and is here until the weekend. She arrived at the kids bedtime creating merry hell and when I asked her why she didn't arrive earlier in the day she said because she would have had to get up early. One of the kids is so tired she's had to have the day off school. She makes snippy comments constantly and does absolutely nothing to help out and sleeps in bed until 9.30, staying reading in bed for another hour even though the kids want to spend time with her. I challenged her yesterday on not helping me tidy up and she sat on the sofa, arms crossed staring at kids tv ignoring everyone for an hour, even the children.

The background is she was emotionally and physically abusive, threatened suicide for as long as I can remember if she didn't get her own way, kicked my sis in law only last year, in short she is bonkers. I can't sleep with her in the house because just seeing her brings it all flooding back. If I bring up the past she says I am lying and accepts no responsibility for anything at all. This visit I told her I wanted her to stay in a B&B and she had a mini tantrum and I caved in and told her she could stay but I barely slept at all last night and not sure how I can go on like this for 3 days. She is still in bed.

OP posts:
ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 16/04/2015 09:51

Pack her bag and throw it outside. Close the door behind her.

You are not obliged to have anyone in your home.

This is too stressful for you and you do not have to put up with it.

Original poster
saltnpepa · 16/04/2015 09:59

My DP knocked on her door an hour ago and told her that I was having a sleep and could she please go down and watch our dd for a bit, she said yes. I didn't sleep because I knew she couldn't be trusted and here we are an hour later and as far as she knows my dd is downstairs on her own with nobody watching her. Do you think I sound unreasonable? She's a nightmare!

OP posts:
Original poster
saltnpepa · 16/04/2015 10:02

Ps she is sitting in bed reading a book, hasn't seen her granddaughter in 2 years!!

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 16/04/2015 10:02

I've been NC with my own mother for 15 years. Funnily enough the suiside attempts and threats have stopped when I stopped giving her my attention.

Standing up to my mother was really liberating AND frightening. But I didn't back down. She really effected my MH and I took that stress out in other people.

You don't have to have anybody in your life that is like this. Just because she comes with the title 'mother' does not give her immunity to her horrible behavour.

If I was you right now, I'd build up the courage go up stairs (prepare mysrlf for a big argument) and tell her you want her to go. Now. I'd be ready for the 'faux shock' tears, tantrum, threats ect. I'd really stand my ground.

When she is gone you Probally will feel guilt but the over whelming sense of relief will be worth it.

It's really hard but my brother and I have been through it and it's doable. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
saltnpepa · 16/04/2015 10:06

But my kids would be devastated, they just want to spend time with her and if I kick her out they will be upset and feel sorry for her. I'm not sure how fussed she is about spending time with them as she favours being in bed and having sulks. I don't think I have the courage.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/04/2015 10:11

Honestly, I'd totally ignore her and go about my business.

Do not ask her for anything at all. Don't call her out for meals.
If she messes anything with the children, close a door on her if necessary.
If the children want to spend time with her, point out to them loudly enough that she needs space as she is so old and can't cope with children, or something like that.
Keep asking her when she is leaving, particularly when she makes snippy comments.
E.g. "The living room is not tidy enough". "So, you are leaving Saturday or Sunday? Are you sure you don't want to go tomorrow?" Smile.

Lweji · 16/04/2015 10:12

I suspect she enjoys the upset she causes and the drama. If you kicked her out, you'd be playing into her hands.
Reduce the drama.

Original poster
saltnpepa · 16/04/2015 10:15

Exactly Lweji, it was my birthday the other day and the same treatment continued even then.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 16/04/2015 10:20

This has to be a wind up...

why should your mum get up and help you tidy up? Why can't she lie in bed and read? Your dp is about but your mum has to get up to watch your dd? What was your do doing that he couldn't do it? And if you think no one is watching your dd why are you sitting in bed on MN? Get your lazy ass into gear and do things yourself.

Sorry but if my mum came to stay I wouldn't expect her to do anything but rest. As for kids being too tired to go to school - really? Erm... No, they go to school regardless.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 16/04/2015 10:20

Yeah I understand how you feel but people like these rely on other people not wanting to hurt them or others even though it their actions that are causing the upset.

If you went up stairs and said 'mum, why are you still in bed? You have not seen dd in years - the problem would've yours, you are causing trouble, you are stopping her from seeing her DGC, you are turning everyone against her. Because the fundamentally cannot/will not accept that their behavour/attitude causes upset. The will not take responsibility for it.

You have to gauge if it's worth it. Do you get any benefit from this relastionship? Do your dc benefit from a healthy reladtionship (not just a superficial one) the gp they expect her to be is probally very far from the one she actually is.

What's the point in ptetending she is somthing she will never be.

My mother spoiled my dd1 so it was hard to go NC at first but I had to as she was a very toxic person.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that people like her get away with it for so long because they expect people to feel sorry/scared/ not want to cause a scene.

People only treat you how you let them

Dowser · 16/04/2015 10:56

Agree. Don't ask her or expect her to do anything. You are only setting yourself up to be hurt.

If your mum wants to behave like Kevin the teenager then let her. She's the one Who is losing out.

You are buying into her drama.

Treat her like a naughty child and you be the bigger parent.

Let her feel what it's like to lose out. Don't try to prevent her learning by pre- empting a situation

Just tell her what you are going to be doing. Right we are off to the park now...it's at so and so if you decide to join us.

She will get the message. What she does with it is up to her.

We took Kevin the teenager to florida. My husband at the time, who was being an arse because he decided he didn't love me any more but wanted to come on the family holiday. He decided he wasn't going to accompany us to Disney and universal parks etc or eat out in nice restaurants, so he stayed round the villa and pool. Probably so he could txt his other woman. Anyway as I was driving him back to the airport as we were having another two weeks he knew he'd made himself miserable. I can't remember exactly what he said but his final words were and all I've had to eat was shite because he'd lived off pizza etc

And I just thought, you had a golden opportunity to have a lovely time and youve just stewed in your own misery. I couldnt ship him back to the uk quick enough.

Hope hat helps.

cozietoesie · 16/04/2015 10:58

...But my kids would be devastated, they just want to spend time with her and if I kick her out they will be upset and feel sorry for her...

Think back to your own childhood. Did it advantage you in any way having her around? Why should it be any different for them? Such people don't suddenly change their natures just because they're around youngsters.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2015 11:00

"But my kids would be devastated, they just want to spend time with her and if I kick her out they will be upset and feel sorry for her"

You contradict yourself here and badly so; this is a woman who you described earlier as reading a book and has not seen her granddaughter in two years!.

No they won't feel upset and or feel sorry for her. Look properly at how you as her own DD have been treated, she is doing that same behaviour to your children now. Toxic crap like this goes down the generations and by further enabling this you perpetuate it.

Why did you let her into your home in the first place?. Out of a sense of fear, obligation and guilt towards your mother?. Your mother has always been emotionally and physically abusive, threatened suicide (used by her as a means of controlling you) and she has not changed. Such people also never accept any responsibility for their actions let alone apologise.

Ultimately you need to grieve for the relationship with your mother that you should have had but clearly do not. It is NOT your fault she is the ways she is; all that predates you and her own family were likely abusive themselves.

Meerka · 16/04/2015 11:02

If your children have a tantrum, do you give in?

Your mother might be bigger but I bet she's a lot lot less loveable than your children. Her tantrums are cleverer but no different.

Throw her out and put yourself and your children first. She's doing them no good at all, you know. This is terrible behaviour for them to see - and if they see her only every 2 years or so then the connection is not deep, is it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2015 11:04

saltnpepa,

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate firsthand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

Do not be that well intentioned parent. If she is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with its the same for your vulnerable and defenceless children.

GraysAnalogy · 16/04/2015 11:05

Why can't she lie in bed and read?
She comes waltzing into their life expecting bed and board yet doesn't actually engage with any of the family

Your dp is about but your mum has to get up to watch your dd?
On his way to work?

Get your lazy ass into gear and do things yourself
How the hell is she lazy, keep your personal attacks to yourself.

flippinada · 16/04/2015 11:31

saltnpepa I agree with PP that you should put your mother out. This situation is too stressful for all of you.

You say your children will miss her but given what you've said that is highly unlikely, even if they are initially upset.

I suspect the real reason you don't want to us because you're frightened of her reaction. That's not meant unkindly but just to make you think. Surely a short term temper tantrum /unpleasantness is worth your place of mind?

flippinada · 16/04/2015 11:32

*peace of mind.

Sorry for typos, on phone Smile.

Original poster
saltnpepa · 16/04/2015 18:34

I can't bring myself to put her out but every part of me wants her gone, I will never have her stay again. I have managed to negotiate she goes one day earlier. Graysanalogy thank you for grasping it and sticking up for me.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 16/04/2015 18:48

This visit I told her I wanted her to stay in a B&B and she had a mini tantrum and I caved in and told her she could stay

You thought you'd never have her to stay again before this time too.

You need to think up how you can ensure you don't cave in next time too. You need a plan for the next time this comes up. Wink

MelonBallersAreStrange · 16/04/2015 19:15

I can't bring myself to put her out

Why not?

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 16/04/2015 19:18

...But my kids would be devastated, they just want to spend time with her and if I kick her out they will be upset and feel sorry for her...
Unlikely as they haven't seen her for 2 years.

Lower your expectations OP, she's unlikely to step up to the mark now. Let her crack on with her sulks, don't rise to the bait, don't even try to pretend she's a loving grandma, she isn't and will never be. Be glad to see the back her, don't let her back in, don't let your DC's be subject to this.

Original poster
saltnpepa · 17/04/2015 14:13

I put her out yesterday afternoon. Brew

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 17/04/2015 14:19
Smile

How are you with that action?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2015 14:23

Well done for doing that.

How are you feeling today?.