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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

can't take any more but scared to call it quits

35 replies

Fedupofthisshit · 15/04/2015 22:07

To keep things brief, DP has been out of work for over a year now. It's causing us so many problems as I hate where I'm working but I keep going as I'm the only one earning and haven't managed to find something else. It seems like DP just sits on his arse all day and expects me to do it all. Today he went out with a friend and spent the afternoon in the pub - spending my money. He has the occasional part time shift and his contribution this month comes to a grand total of £50! Yet he thinks it's justifiable him spending the money because of that £50. FFS our rent alone is £500, his contribution doesn't even come close to all that we spend! He has the audacity to have a go at me for spending money - mostly on essentials!! - yet thinks nothing of spending the afternoon in the pub! I asked if he'd applied for the jobs he'd mentioned spotting, he says no! Why do I fucking bother?! No kids together but he has a DC from his previous relationship - which of course I'm paying for. Don't get me wrong I love DSS but he's not my child and I shouldn't have to constantly foot the bill - I wouldn't mind if he was earning too but it's the expectation of me paying I can't stand. I honestly don't know why I'm still here! I keep hoping that he'll actually get off his arse and be more proactive in looking for work but then I guess why would he when I've enabled him for so long? :(

OP posts:

acatcalledjohn · 15/04/2015 22:18

So effectively you have another child who throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. You've answered your own question in your OP - you are effectively enabling him and if telling him to get off his arse doesn't work, then you really are better off on your own. It sounds like you will be better off emotionally and financially.

Original poster

Fedupofthisshit · 15/04/2015 22:28

acatcalledjohn Yes! he really is like a child sometimes. The argument today culminated in me telling him to move out. But I don't really want him to :( Yet I know if I back track and say fine stay then he's never going to change and like you say, I am better off on my own :(

OP posts:

CtrlAltDelicious · 15/04/2015 22:30

This lazy, selfish man isn't going to change - why would he?
This essentially leaves you with two choices.

accept the way he is and shut the fuck up complaining because you know he's not going to change.
end it. Accept the temporary wailing and gnashing of teeth. Move on. Live independently and be happy. Maybe eventually meet someone kind, generous and hard working.

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 22:31

cocklodger

Husbanddoestheironing · 15/04/2015 22:34

If he's not earning you shouldn't be needing to pay for his DC- certainly not maintenance as that should be based on his income, though I agree it can be difficult morally and emotionally to opt out of that one and would probably try not to. But maybe it would shock him into action.... Tbh though it sounds like you know what you want really deep down and just need to get on with it. Good luck

tipsytrifle · 15/04/2015 22:35

Agree with AF. Is the tenancy in both names? You are so being exploited. Disgustingly so.

CtrlAltDelicious · 15/04/2015 22:36

In fact op, sorry, but if I found a bloke stupid enough to fund me through a life of deliberate unemployment and getting drunk for free, I'd be tempted to let them and go along with it for as long as I could mug them off.

Except I wouldn't because I'm not a pointless piece of shit.

You really can do better.

Original poster

Fedupofthisshit · 15/04/2015 22:38

tenancy is only in my name. Sorry should have explained better about paying for his DS. Maintenance not currently being paid but day to day things for DS when he's here plus things like uniform and school trips I pay for.

I know you're all right but I'm scared of ending things. I was in an abusive relationship as a teen and my self-esteem is basically rock bottom and my mental health is all over the place, I'm terrified of being on my own and just don't know if I can cope :(

OP posts:

CtrlAltDelicious · 15/04/2015 22:40

You CAN cope, why do you think you can't? Honestly, not having a go. You're clearly intelligent and articulate - why do you think a dreadful specimen who doesn't even pay maintence is the best you can do?

tipsytrifle · 15/04/2015 22:48

I think it says a lot about him that he had jobs to apply for but didn't, has a son to support and doesn't. He also lives with you so that he has somewhere to bring DS that doesn't involve any expenditure.

You're being taken for a mug. Not coping but alone and free of this scrounger sounds a lot better than being used. But that's just my opinion. And you WOULD cope, silly!

Apart from rising to the challenge, as we all do, you found MN, right? What could go wrong? Tell Fear and "him" to sod off!

acatcalledjohn · 15/04/2015 22:50

The only way to build your self esteem and ability to stand up for yourself is by living on your own and realising that you can actually do that and be fine.

You know you deserve better and making that first step is scary, but in no time will you feel free from dead weight that is your shocking excuse for a partner, let alone a father.

Seriously, having a kid doesn't even drive him to get his arse in to gear. If his own flesh and blood doesn't make him take responsibility, nothing will.

Kick the lazy bastard out. It will be for your own good.

Original poster

Fedupofthisshit · 15/04/2015 22:57

AF he doesn't get enough sex to be a cocklodger. Issues from my previous relationship mean I freak out 9 times out of 10 and so two - three times a month is his maximum.

Not sure why I feel I can't cope tbh. I can't really explain it. I guess I'm just scared of being on my own and spiralling out of control with my mental health with no one here to help deal with the fall out. Silly really as I know there are people I can reach out to if needed, not to mention people here - have name changed for this as quite frankly am embarrassed to be in this situation but ladies on mental health board have been fab over the last few months.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 23:01

freeloader, then

CtrlAltDelicious · 15/04/2015 23:02

But it's illogical to worry about your possible mental health problems alone while you're with this life-sucking cunt who would drive anyone into the ground! You are a strong person and WOULD cope on your own. And actually I think you know you would, but you're clinging on to this pointless relationship for some reason.

honeyroar · 15/04/2015 23:04

You can't depend on him though, so why would you want him around if your mental health deteriorated. He is all about himself.

Original poster

Fedupofthisshit · 15/04/2015 23:22

I don't know. I guess because for the most part he's pretty good at dealing with my breakdowns.

I just want him to actually give a damn about this relationship but instead he's just gone to sleep like it means nothing :'(

OP posts:

acatcalledjohn · 16/04/2015 08:28

He's good at dealing with your breakdowns because he gets an easy life otherwise.

If he really gave a shit he would get a job and support you and your relationship properly.

He doesn't. He's bringing you down emotionally and financially and he's not changed despite you telling him he needs to. And asking someone you love with to get a job and pay their way is not exactly a big ask. Yet he won't even try.

Don't be scared. You say you have other people's support during your own breakdowns.

You'll find you'll be fine without that deadweight holding you back though.

Vivacia · 16/04/2015 08:46

If he cared about your health and wellbeing he'd do something helpful like not spending your money on drink. It's easy for him to give you a hug once you've passed breaking point.

sakura · 16/04/2015 08:48

Thank fuck you don't have children with him!!!

Get out now. You will be so much happier. I promise.

BIWI · 16/04/2015 08:50

Your mental health will be a lot better without him.

Get rid.

fearandloathinginambridge · 16/04/2015 10:08

I am in a similar position, except it has been 4 years now! If I didn't have kids with him and wasn't married to him, I might have hoofed him out years ago. He does also pull his weight around the house and doesn't piss my money up the wall which is also in his favour.

BUT ... I can tell you that the longer he has been unemployed, the harder it has been getting him to apply for jobs. He has lost confidence but I know he has also grown used to not working and quite likes to drift around without any pressure on his shoulders. In the meantime, I often feel trapped in a cycle of drudgery. I work really bloody hard in a job I don't particularly like for no benefit other than it keeps a roof over our head and food on the table. Otherwise life is pretty basic and not how I envisaged it at this time of life.

I guess what I want to say is that things might never change, get rid of him now before you end up 4 years in to it. You will be much better off without him I promise you, you can enjoy your money yourself, you can use the freedom to explore who you are and maybe pay for some counselling to support you in that process. I know it seems scary to you, but in my experience life only changes/improves when you push yourself into those scary places and fight your way through. You will come out stronger on the other side.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/04/2015 10:20

Did you have any contact with Womens Aid after your last abusive relationship?
Please contact them and enrol on their Freedom Programme if you haven't already.
You aren't spotting red flags where men are concerned and your boundaries are all wrong.
This programme can help reset them for you.
I also believe your mental health will be better once this lazy lump of weight has gone from your life.
Give yourself more credit.
You can do this and would be soooo much better off without him - and you know it! So do it!

Original poster

Fedupofthisshit · 16/04/2015 10:27

Didn't see anyone from women's aid as I didnt recognise it as abusive until a few months after I'd left. I'll look into their program. I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment but I've not told her about the financial situation. I think I'm going to have to.

He says he is looking for a job but then he's only had one interview, which didn't lead anywhere unfortunately, he's only applied to two agencies and not gotten anywhere with it (so he says) and still hasn't looked into the jobs he said he was going to. His CV is shit as he's been out for so long and only really had one proper job which over a year ago but the job market can't seriously be that bad!

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedupofthisshit · 16/04/2015 10:37

I should never have let him move in in the first place. He said he didn't want to move in until he'd found a job but I said it'd be fine. Now I think he's just got used to it and won't do anything about it. Maybe if we'd stuck with living separately he'd have found something by now but I think I was just so caught up at the time, with having someone who understood my meltdowns that I just wanted him around more.

OP posts:

fearandloathinginambridge · 16/04/2015 11:27

Well don't dwell on what you should or shouldn't have done. Certainly don't beat yourself up about it. Look forward now and plan a way out of the situation and do talk to your Counsellor about everything. This guy may understand you but he is certainly not helping you.

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