For anyone whose parents divorced when they were adults (the DCs)

[Adelessister]

I'd like some comments.
I have been considering ending my marriage for many years but have put the children first. It was GCSE, a levels, uni exams, finding the first job and so on. There always seemed to be a reason not to- or to wait a bit longer as the marriage was stale but not terrible.

I've been thinking again but I think my problem is that I am putting everyone else's feelings first- the DCs, DH, my ill & elderly parents- and can't bring myself to bring a load of upset into so many lives. I don't want to seem a martyr- it's not that. It would be easier to carry on not being really happy or fulfilled in this marriage rather than upset the people I love.

I've read here that adult children feel the pain of divorce as much or more than young children and it's making me not dare to do what I feel I must.

How can I put my own happiness first- or if you love your kids, do you not?

I bet you anything your dc know your marriage isn't happy, at least not as much as you make out. They may not be as surprised/upset as you imagine.

My parents split when I was 23.

They get on and we still all spend Christmases and birthdays together so as I'd long left home it really wasn't an issue.

I think what would be weird would have been if either of them had remarried or had more DCs. I'll be honest I wouldn't like that!

My parents separated when I was a young adult.We all felt they should have done it a long long time ago before it turned miserable.Its not right to stay together for other peoples happiness

My parents split when I was 25, brother and sis were 22. We didn't find it hard because they had fallen out of love and things hadn't been great for awhile so it was almost a relief. We were all living away from home so that made things less difficult too. I think your kids will want you to be happy- I would love to have parents who were happily married- but I don't and that's that...it's much better that they are happy apart. Look after yourself too!

Hi adelesister I was 21 when my parents separated and then divorced. It was a tough time and did affect me. Having said that once things calmed down my parents remained friends even spending christmas and occasions together with all the family and my dads new wife in fact my mum was at there wedding!
It helps that there was no 3rd party involved, I would speak with your husband and let him in on how you feel.
My husband left a month ago after many years together unfortunately I m convinced there is a 3rd party.
Good luck

My parents split when I was 30, it was out of the blue and unexpected. It was very strange for a while and it's changed the whole family dynamics. I was previously very close to my mum but she has now remarried and is distant to me and my dc's, however I have grown very close to my dad. In our case it was less about the divorce and more about my mum withdrawing contact from me but mainly my dc's.

My parents split when I was 32. I was mad at my mum when she first started the ball rolling. My dad was so upset and the family home was sold. My mum was upset too, but insistent that she needed to be herself finally, that she'd been a wife and a mother and now it was her time. Woe rely at the time I split up with my ex and sold my house, and ended up living with my dad for a month. We nearly drove each other mad and I could see her point of view more (I'd always been a Daddy's girl). Now, 12 years on they both get on great (they always did, just weren't good in the same house!). They helped each other a lot in the divorce, were very fair. I actually think they're much better apart.

Do what you need to do. They will all accept it sooner or later.

Woe rely was meant to be wierdly!

Take it as read that everything about me is weird.

When I was a kid I wanted my parents to divorce. I didn't like one of them very much & wanted to live with other. I wouldn't have minded remarriage or new half siblings.

When I was an adult I was indifferent that they actually separated; one parent was FURIOUS that I didn't take their side (they were the wronged party). I was blamed for not talking other parent into fighting for the marriage. There were a load of headgames for almost 17 yrs (until death of emotional parent).

So my view is that as long as you don't play blame games, you should definitely go live your life now. I think hardest part will be telling your elderly parents, no? They have been around the block too, you know, seen it all.

I was 23.
Acrimonious and dad had OW.
still don't particularly bother seeing him.

If they had agreed the split, been friendly and a family discussion had taken place then zero problems.
As it was, house was sold, I am dealing with the fall out many years later. And weddings, children and Christmas stuff is tricky.

So if you can plan all of that with the whole family, then do it.

Mine split when I was 19, and it was utterly traumatic.

Both of them went to pieces then met someone else within weeks. Neither of them really considered mine or my brother's feelings in the whole thing, we were just expected to be adults and get on with it. The family house was sold very quickly, along with much of my stuff. It really damaged us both, and made me feel very insecure for a long time afterwards, as I felt that my whole childhood had been a lie, and I had no faith in my happiest childhood memories.

I tell you this not to warn you off, but to think about how you manage the split. Your children will feel like children, even if they're not, and it's important that you both still act like their parents. Telling them that you've been unhappy for a very long time might not be the best idea, even though it is the truth.

Despite the pain the split caused me, I would not have wanted my mum to carry on in the unhappy marriage she was trapped in. Whilst a certain amount of pain is unavoidable when you split from your husband, handled well, your children will be ok. In the end. Even if they're not ok for a bit, that doesn't make it the wrong decision. I don't think anyone wants you to sacrifice your whole life to keep them happy.

Good luck

My parents divorced when I was 21, it was a terrible time. My parents behaved appallingly. My mum completely broke down and lent on my sister and me. My dad was a shit and went off with his lady love, paying maintenance to my mum if and when he felt like it.
My sister and I think of our lives as before and after the split. Neither of us blame my dad for leaving, we knew their marriage was over, but the way they behaved was appalling. They both discussed intimate details with us and tried to get us on their side. We were not interested in hearing it. Trying to keep neutral was almost impossible. In fact my sister has not seen her dad for over 30 years.
My advice would be to spare your children all the details, do not try to get them on your side, don't slag each other off and treat your ex with respect.

My parents split when we (4 kids) were all adults. It was not hard for us - frankly we were amazed she hadn't left sooner! Nothing bad, DDad is lovely but they were both clearly unhappy and it was obvious they had grown apart ages before. They didn't really fight, they just weren't happy.

We were sad for DDad being alone, but even he admits it was no surprise. We were all really pleased that she had the guts to go it alone - she had left her parents on her marriage day and moved in together with him, so hadn't lived alone ever in her entire life. Yet in her late 50's she just did it!

She is now married again, to a man that I admit we all think is a bit of a prat but who clearly makes her happy. We are pleased for her that she is happy now - it is sad to see Ddad alone but in all honesty they were both clearly lonely in the marriage so at least one of them is happy now.

I would do what your heart needs to do. I bet your kids know - we all certainly did. You have spent their childhood and early adulthood putting them first. Now it's time to put yourself first.

My parents split up when I was in my twenties. It was obvious they hadn't been happy together for ages. They waited for my youngest sibling to leave home. They are both brilliant people and have played out their divorce without involving us in any of the wrangling. we are independent adults. It would have been completely unreasonable for them not to have done what was right for them once we were I that position.

My mum carried on for the same reasons you described. She finally filed for divorce after I had finished my A levels (youngest child) but she should have done it years earlier. The damage was done when they were together but that wasn't so much their relationship but more because my dad was a complete arse who she should have thrown out much earlier.

Your family may find it upsetting but I think its just a damaging to be living with people who are unhappy.

I agree with Tether

My parents split when I was nearly 40 and it split our whole family. Even though none of us had lived at home for years, it felt devastating - like everything we felt was true was completely false

Sorry that sounded really melodramatic. I think it was worse because we were so much older

My parents aren't divorced yet, but separated. I was pleased, neither of them were happy and it was the best thing for them. You have to do what's best for you.

My parents split up when I was 23. I'd finished Uni and started work and my younger brother was at uni so neither of us lived at home. It came as a surprise but turned out they'd been having counselling for a few months. It was all instigated by my dad and my mum took it really hard. What she took the hardest though, was that I didn't take her view that she was the victim. There was no OW on my dad's part he just wasn't happy. I don't think he had any obligation to stay and my mum blames me for not 'taking her side' simply because he left her.
Our relationship definitely suffered, she said some horrible things, send lots of guilt tripping messages and I basically tried to avoid seeing her because of it. Our relationship wasn't damaged because of their divorce. It was damaged because she constantly tried to drag me into it and badmouth my dad. I've no doubt that if I was a child she'd have kept me out of it and I don't think I'll ever fully forgive her for putting me in an awkward position.
Several years on and they're both in new long term relationships and my mum has just got engaged.

Agree with tether too. How you handle it is key.

I have watched and supported as my DH dealt with it. His Dad basically decided to leave his Mum overnight, no discussion, once all their kids were "settled". She was shocked, horrified, devastated. No chance to save the marriage, the decision was a done deal. It had obviously been coming a long time, but the DC had never sensed it - their "front" had been amazing to all the outside world.

Family home sold within months, my MIL devastated, my FIlL finding a new partner too soon, mishandled by pretty much everyone and the effects are still ongoing 10-15 years on. Things came to light about FIL's affairs during my DH's childhood - it made him feel as if what he remembered of "happy families" was false, a lie. He felt obliged to pick his mum's side to the detriment of his relationship with his dad. It was T.O.U.G.H. And I was only a bystander to it all, really.

If you and your husband can be civil, if it is more of a mutual agreement and parting of the ways, if you can negotiate and keep communication open and be honest (but not too honest) then your DC may well be happy for you.

Your marriage and the ending of it should be private between you and your husband. You cannot put other's needs before your own in this case, not now you have no dependents at least. You need to be happy - you are a long time dead, as they say. If your needs have changed, then you need to do something to be honest to yourself. But you need to be able to handle it all with as much dignity as possible. I dare say a lot will depend on how your husband feels about divorce. If it is mutual and amicable it will always be easier for your DC to understand.

DidgeDoolittle - sounds exactly like my experience, although I was a bit older. Have been NC with my dad for 7 years and am still very wary around my mum in case she starts her manipulation games again (she still tries it on occasionally with my brother).
OP, if your DH is not in agreement about the divorce it may well be a rough ride and there will almost certainly be some sort of fall out.
And all the family things you take for granted - birthdays, xmas, other celebrations - may become a minefield.
But reality is you can't stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your adult children. Good luck.

You can't expect it to be painless. My parents split when I was 23 (seems to be a common age - youngest child at uni plus first job?). My dad left my mum but tbh I had been unable to see how they were holding it together for the previous 5 years or so. They were both reasonably kind to each other in the process, in fact my dad could have asked for a lot more money (probably wishes he had now). They have never, ever badmouthed each other. Each has had new partners (a string of them in Dad's case) but they have never married again which has made things infinitely easier, I'll be honest.

Despite all this, it was destabilising and everything seemed changed. i guess part of it was just me growing up a bit. But I have continued to appreciate the childhood they gave me and if I'm honest I'm a bit of an advocate for staying together for the children until they are adults

Parents divorced when I was at uni. I only wish it was sooner.

Really, children pick up on the cues. There is never the perfect time.

Yourself and your children will be so much happier.

My parents went through a long/protracted divorce from when I was 18 until about 25. It involved my father and an affair (possibly multiple, doubt I know the full truth) that produced a child, plus unreasonable behaviour on my mothers side (she's very controlling etc).

Needless to say was very difficult all round - my dad wasn't very apologetic, my mum although the victim leaned on us children way too much and shared very intimate information/details that in hindsight was far too much for any adult child to deal with.

When they first split, the 'child' side of me wanted them to get back together as it was all a bit of a shock and I mourned the loss of my childhood. However what really took it's toll was the awful fighting, being made to pick sides and my parents not speaking to each other. It completely changed the way I could have any birthdays/christmas'/my graduation from uni and even my wedding last year.

So, I agree with the sentiments above, I think a divorce will always be difficult on adult children, however if the two parties are at least civil to each other and remain friends without involving the children then it's so much easier to recover from.