For anyone whose parents divorced when they were adults (the DCs)

[Adelessister]

I'd like some comments.
I have been considering ending my marriage for many years but have put the children first. It was GCSE, a levels, uni exams, finding the first job and so on. There always seemed to be a reason not to- or to wait a bit longer as the marriage was stale but not terrible.

I've been thinking again but I think my problem is that I am putting everyone else's feelings first- the DCs, DH, my ill & elderly parents- and can't bring myself to bring a load of upset into so many lives. I don't want to seem a martyr- it's not that. It would be easier to carry on not being really happy or fulfilled in this marriage rather than upset the people I love.

I've read here that adult children feel the pain of divorce as much or more than young children and it's making me not dare to do what I feel I must.

How can I put my own happiness first- or if you love your kids, do you not?

Another member of the Tether fan club here

My mum lasted 2 weeks after I'd moved out when I was 18 years old.

I knew she's wasn't happy with dad, she didn't really love him and said she'd married because she got pregnant and was escaping and abusive and destructive childhood home.

Both of them wanted to 'confide' in me and treat me as an adult after the split. It was horrendous. It wasn't acrimonious but it was still a difficult time for them.

After their divorce things went to how it should always have been, they are best mates and consider themselves family, more like brother and sister! My dad remarried (she's fab) and my step mum and mum consider themselves family too.

All family occasions are family occasions with all my step siblings (I'm an only child) fully integrated into this 3 parent existence.

We're an unusual but tight family unit. I just wish that during the seperation and divorce they hadn't discussed details or treated me as a trusted friend. I needed to be parented because despite being an adult I felt like a child, and for my sake they should have left me out of it. All worked out for the best though.

...oh and they should have split years ago. I was waiting for it to happen. I believe in splitting asap not hanging on.

My parents companionship marriage fucked up my ideas of what a marriage should be. I thought any male friend was marriage potential. Life as a young adult was confusing.

Mine split when I was 29 - completely out of the blue. My dad had an OW & my mum didn't see it coming (no one did). He behaved appallingly when mum found out & that left her completely devastated & practically destitute. Prior to that I pretty much worshipped him but now haven't spoken to him in almost 10 years.

The whole thing was horrendous with my mum unable to really cope & knowing all the details of what was going on. I often wished it had happened when we were younger & they'd tried to protect us from the truth & keep a relationship with my dad, but as it was, my brother & I knew all the gory details (he was 25) & even if my dad hadn't been so awful, it would have been very difficult to maintain a relationship with him given how devastated my mum was.

That said, if you both behave reasonably & remember that although adults, your DC shouldn't be put in the middle or made to pick sides (or given too many gory details) then it could be less traumatic than what we experienced. Good luck Op.

Mine split when I was 24 when Dad got into financial difficulty and the house was sold. I had just started University , had to leave Halls as not enough space to have all my things from home. My Mum moved in with me into the flat I rented , an hour from out hometown, citing poverty I think. Clearing her house last year turned out that was bollocks and she had an extra 40k in the bank no one knew about. She went in and on about my Dad, completely leaned on me. I had to resist my first year exams.

My Brother was 19 and struggled to cope with loss of the family home and didn't turn up on moving day. He is NC now with my Dad but over something else. However the crap Mum said about Dad for years played a large part in that as turns out she is a liar and manipulates people.

I think if you go about it in a sensible way, managed well as Tether has said, it will be OK long term. Mine shouldn't have stayed together as long as they did . 20 years on and they have never divorced but are legally separated which I find a bit weird. Realised the other day it would have been their Golden Wedding this year. My mum has Dementia now and Dad has been living with a wonderful woman for about 15 years now and is very happy.

A bit different to you OP in that my parent's marriage was terrible, but they finally split when I -the youngest- was 16 and I wish my mother had left when she made the decision that she would do so 'when x finishes school'. That was 15 years before she had me.

My parents are divorcing at the moment. I am 33.
It is extremely painful (I find the loss of the "family home" harder to deal with than I had expected).

I knew my mother was unhappy and I don't mind her asking for a divorce. What I mind is the way she is handling it. She seems determined to make things as long, painful and messy as she can.

Parents divorced at uni.

My first feeling was: relief. I couldn't believe they had left it so long because their marriage had ground me down. As the eldest and only girl of 5 siblings I had to be the unpaid therapist, cook, babysitter, homework helper, cleaner etc, for years. I felt that if they split up the burden of the household would have been lifted from me.

Anyway, my mother made the ridiculous decision of getting with some other man as soon as she left my father. She fully expected me to defer to him as a father-type figure and spoke in terms of "we agree with you doing XYZ".
I feel that her shacking up with this new man contributed to me emigrating the country for 10 years. I just couldn't be dealing with yet another asshole having a say and control over my life.

My parents finally divorced when I was in my thirties. The marriage had pretty much fallen apart when I was in my teens. The divorce was a huge relief and I very much wish they had done it years (decades?) earlier. When people say they are staying together "for the children" it makes me angry because my experience is that staying in an unhappy marriage is much worse for the kids than divorcing. I do however realise it is not always that easy, sorry if this is hard for you to hear OP.

As others have said, my parents crappy marriage has seriously affected my ability to form fulfilling relationships as an adult. Staying together did me harm, not good.

You also need to think about how things will change when you meet a new partner. My dad left for the OW, and PIL remarried after MILs death. Neither of their new wives want anything to do with the DCs from the first marriage and it has made life very difficult.
PIL lives 20 minutes away and we now only see him 2-3 times a year. When we do see him it is very strained and difficult. Their house is covered with photos of her family, but not one single pic of anyone from his side. Her grandchild stays over once a week and is picked up from school, but our DCs are completely ignored.
So new partners are another huge factor for your DCs - you will need to juggle conflicting needs if they do not get on with your new DP, or if the new DP does not want to engage with your family.

You might think that you would only choose a partner who accepts you family, but the pressure is applied gradually - they may well be very charming at the start.

Sadly this thread is making me feel a bit better about my experience. I felt that my sister and I were the only ones to have gone through such a traumatic and protracted experience. Stupid really.

My mum didn't meet her new husband for seven years. During that time she would phone me day and night in an hysterical state, even when I was doing my uni finals.

I am convinced that I got married to my first husband purely to have someone who cared just about me.

My mother died a couple of years ago and the true extent of all her lies and manipulative behaviour at the time and since, all came out. It was an extremely upsetting time.

Confused, I agree entirely with your post. My experience is the same. My children are completely ignored. I have no doubt that my dad will leave everything to my step mums kids.

Mine divorced when I was 30. TBH it was a relief, it was very clear to me from about the age of 14 that they were v unhappy together. As an adult it was also obvious to be me that they were completely unsuited to each other.

However, 2 things made it a very difficult time. My Mum had asked for the divorce and my Dad was furious, engaging in ongoing petty and spiteful behaviour. I found this difficult to deal with and its really affected how I see him now.

Also, too much information, from both of them. My Dad wrote letters to my sibs and I, accusing my Mum and justifying himself. My Mum told me far too much, treating me as a personal counsellor. I didn't want to know what had happened in their marriage. It's impossible to unknow stuff once you've been told. What they didn't get is that they could choose to never see each other again if they didn't want to, but I had to have a future relationship with both of them which they were making very difficult.

So I guess I'm saying; its not the divorcing itself, its how you go about it that causes the pain.

Totally agree Hester - it's the amount of information that you're given as an adult is just too much.

I'm in the process of getting divorced at the moment, DC are 22 and 16 and reading your comments has been a huge help to me.

Any degree of amicability went out the window a month or so ago, he has OW and he turned spiteful and nasty. He's now realised that he's in the wrong after our DD got upset and has assured me he will stop the nastiness. I'm giving him the chance to prove that, against a lot of advice on here that he won't change, and your comments on here have affirmed to me that I feel I am doing the right thing as I feel it is better for all of us if we can get on.

Thank you and sorry for everyone who had bad experiences. Apologies for thread hijack.