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Original poster

Need some perspective

33 replies

NameChangedForThis12345 · 15/04/2015 15:11

My husband has been on away with friends and accidentally sent me a selfie of a girl with the message "danger zone". it was immediately obvious to me he had meant to send it on to a friend and the comment was suggesting temptation iyswim
At first he tried to pretend he had sent the message to me intentionally, and that the picture was one that had been sent to him by a mate. However after much complaint about my lack of trust etc, he admitted that the photo had been sent to him by a waitress that he met/exchanged numbers with while she was serving them. He says nothing else happened.
What would you think/do?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 15/04/2015 15:13

Tell him he needs to realise you didn't fall of the hay wagon yesterday and his laughable attempts at misdirection made this situation worse.

"I sent it to you on purpose" yeeaaaahhhh Hmm

crassula · 15/04/2015 15:14

Why would he exchange numbers with a waitress he just met?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2015 15:15

No trust - no relationship.

Why did you not go away with your H?. What are things like between you two day to day?.

Why are you still together given this behaviour of his, he seems to be taking you for a complete and utter mug.

Quitelikely · 15/04/2015 15:16

I think I would dump him. There is no other option for any self respecting person.

The trust has been shattered.

Original poster
NameChangedForThis12345 · 15/04/2015 15:16

he says (and this I know doesn't add up) that she took some photos of them (the group of friends) and he took her number either so she could send him the photos or he could send her them

He has deleted all trace of these messages from his phone btw

OP posts:
crassula · 15/04/2015 15:18

Just tell him that his story doesn't make sense and you both know it, so he needs to tell you the truth now or find somewhere else to sleep tonight.

Original poster
NameChangedForThis12345 · 15/04/2015 15:18

Sorry, I'm drip feeding unintentionally

It was a stag do. Our relationship is pretty crappy at the moment following the birth of our first child (a year ago). This makes me sound more like a mug but there have been trust issues in the past, and I have caught him out lying before but I have never had any evidence of physical cheating

I've lost perspective

OP posts:
crassula · 15/04/2015 15:21

You haven't lost perspective, he has lost your trust. It's up to him to him to tell you the truth. If this happened to me and my husband refused to tell me the truth, and refused to leave the house, I would check myself and my child into a hotel for a few days.

pocketsaviour · 15/04/2015 15:23

To look on the bright side, you don't have any evidence here that he's cheated. The fact he wrote "danger zone" is to me a point in favour - like saying "Hey, I was a bit tempted with this but then I realised it would put my relationship in danger".

However, that's in isolation. If you've had issues with him straying before, then it puts a bit of a different light on things.

As an aside, a lot of men seem to think that at a stag do it is "expected" that not only the groom will have a ONS but also everyone in the party Hmm

namechange2015 · 15/04/2015 15:24

I think you know it doesn't sound right, you know him best but it does sound very dodgy Flowers

ImperialBlether · 15/04/2015 15:24

You realise that doesn't make sense, doesn't it?

Gang of stags having a meal who want a photo taken would hand their phones to a waitress and ask her to take a shot.

They would not expect the waitress to get her own phone out and give her their email address so they could get a copy. He must think you're stupid if he expects you to believe that.

Do you think this might be your opportunity to get rid of him? You have a bad relationship with trust issues. He has given you this opportunity on a plate, hasn't he?

How would you feel about living without him?

Canyouforgiveher · 15/04/2015 15:31

I think he was trying it on with the waitress and was planning on bragging about it to his friends-look what I pulled. And then because he is a complete twit as well as a twat he sent it to his wife. To me he seems unfaithful, yobbish/laddish and stupid.

Original poster
NameChangedForThis12345 · 15/04/2015 15:36

What would you do? What should I do? Both short and long term?

I'm exhausted from looking after our daughter for 5 days alone and asking him to leave means I have to continue that whilst holding it together for her. Is this big enough to end a marriage?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/04/2015 15:39

Actually life can be much easier on your own, though it might not seem like that when you're really tired.

Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him? Do you feel you just can't trust him? How do you get on day-to-day? What do you most dislike about him?

winkywinkola · 15/04/2015 15:43

I would ask him to leave for a bit.

He can come and see your dd for an afternoon and it is then that you rest.

I think you should give yourself time to process this - it's horrible for you - and give him a jolt. You're not some walkover idiot who accepts this kind of cock and bull story.

pompodd · 15/04/2015 16:55

I'm a man, OP. A veteran of stag do's...

The story is, I'm afraid, a crock of shit. It makes no sense and reeks of desperation. Without the tall tale I might have suggested that it was perhaps no more than all the guys getting a bit drunk and joking/mucking about with each other without there being any intention to actually do anything or be unfaithful. It would be a shit joke and not funny; but I've seen it before on stag do's.

However, his ridiculous attempt to deflect, explain it away and then trying to pass the blame on to you for your "lack of trust" really doesn't look good, I'm afraid.

Jan45 · 15/04/2015 17:28

I don't know how much evidence you need, he has form, you wanted proof, you have it there - he pulled her and then felt so bloody great about it he had to send it to his mates - please grow a pair and tell him to F.O., he's making a complete fool out of you, sorry but it's true.

Jan45 · 15/04/2015 17:30

If you don't feel able to end it just now fine, take your time, he will fuck up again OP, he can't stay faithful to you, he's showing you that and has done in the past - you really are just putting off the inevitable.

Wait until you have gathered your thoughts together and got your things in order, then please get rid, you can do a whole lot better than this.

Joysmum · 15/04/2015 17:59

I call bullshit!

Yes, I think he was tempted but didn't because that photo wouldn't be labelled 'danger zone' if he had done anything.

The question comes what actually happened for him to have that pic?

Tbh if the waitress HAD sent it to him then that's him engaging with and her by giving out his phone number.

I'd expect to dig through his phone to trace how the photo got there.

crassula · 15/04/2015 18:02

If just expect him to tell you the truth. Whatever happened. It's one thing to be tempted ( which I could forgive) and cheat/ or not, but to lie about it is an attempt to manipulate your understanding and perception. I would be wondering why he thought it was ok to do that

crassula · 15/04/2015 18:03
  • I'd, not if
Quitelikely · 15/04/2015 18:08

I feel sorry for you. I think he is lying to you.

The only question I have is to ask how many times does he have to get caught out before you finally get rid of him?

You said things weren't good anyway. If he doesn't make you happy and won't try, you can't trust him you have to be realistic about the long term prospects of this relationship.

Original poster
NameChangedForThis12345 · 15/04/2015 19:25

Thanks to everybody who has replied.

I asked some RL friends for perspective and got an entirely different opinion; they feel he wouldn't cheat and that he lied to save face but it's not such a huge deal. So I'm even more confused now I have such varying opinions

My gut says he lied to try and dig himself out of a hole; he's saying there were flirty texts exchanged but nothing else and I'm inclined to believe him. What makes people think it was more than that?

If I'm right, then we are talking about him lying but not physically cheating. Would you throw away a marriage and a secure family for our daughter for that? Without attempt to repair the problems?

I can see how this reads as an outsider, and if it wasn't my story I would be agreeing with all of you. But it's so different when it's your own husband

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 15/04/2015 19:43

What makes people think it was more than that?

Because you said that there had been "trust issues" previously, which usually means you've caught him banging or attempting to bang other women.

If that's not what you meant, then I would revert to my previous opinion which is that it was probably a flirtation but didn't go anywhere.

He is an idiot for lying though, I would be more pissed off about that.

At the end of the day, it's your marriage and your choice. We tend to be a bit cynical because we've seen (and most of us have experienced) so many tales of cheating. But none of us are walking in your shoes. You know him - we don't.

You don't have to make an immediate decision. You can take your time.

Original poster
NameChangedForThis12345 · 15/04/2015 20:03

I've never caught him cheating. Ive caught him lying about mundane stuff - where he is for example. A few years ago him and another friend took two women out for the day and dinner which he categorically denied until I produced firm evidence (a photo one of the girls had posted on Twitter). He claimed he was trying to set up his mate with one of the girls. I'm almost certain nothing happened but am not certain it wouldn't have progressed I hadn't caught him out - I confronted the women and it caused a shit storm
I've caught him a few times in overly flirty text exchanges with his exes. He does seem to crave/need the attention and buzz that he gets from flirting

OP posts:
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