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Original poster

Don't know what to think of lack of interest shown by Inlaws...

30 replies

SuzanneSays · 15/04/2015 14:23

Will try not to ramble too much or drip feed!(or out myself so may change a few details)

We had our first baby using IVF after years of unexplained infertility. DS is a gorgeous, happy and healthy baby of 8 months. We live abroad ( think popular holiday destination in Europe, lots of flights, short flight duration, lovely climate-sorry, not a stealth boast!) and since he was born most of my family have been to visit as they know what a struggle we had and are excited and happy for us (my mum already lives here.)

DH's family otoh have been complete opposite. MIL found out she had cancer during my pregnancy, which was an awful time and very scary for her and for the family. DH travels with work on average two weeks in four ( always home at weekends) and as my due date got nearer tried not to travel too much but still made it over to see his mum to offer support. She flew out just before she started treatment to meet DS when he was a couple of days old which was lovely. She has since completed treatment, and has had good news re treatment working and is quite active again. SIL has not been to visit once, though keeps saying she will but finding excuses not to. She has two teenage daughters who dote on my DH and he has been back to visit them at least twice since my DS was born, even though it wa during a particularly busy time for him travel wise.

MIL has just cancelled her plans to visit at the last minute because she is worried about flight disruptions with recent air traffic control strikes

SIL is trying to get DH to come and visit them in the next few weeks ( we don't have passport yet for DS).

I am really hurt that SIL and MIL have not made any effort with m DS, and quite cross that SIL is trying to get my DH to visit her when she knows he has been ridiculously busy with work and traveling loads so has had really limited time with us recently.

Not sure what my question is really, just need to vent and wonder if I a being silly and over emotional about it all!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/04/2015 14:38

I understand why you are hurt and wanting a bit more effort on their part, but I don't think they're really doing anything wrong.

TheEggityOddity · 15/04/2015 14:45

Look, this might hurt but when you move to another country you need to accept not everyone will be willing to come and see you, and you need to make peace with that. We live abroad in a similar place and get very few visitors. It's nothing personal, it's just most people can't be bothered or find it too complicated to travel. To you, getting a plane is probably not much more complex than getting a bus, I know that's how it is to me. I also know that all the travelling to and fro is tiring and is taken for granted by your friends and family who tend to forget it is just as hard for you as it is for them. But at the end of the day, you are the one that has moved away, you need to be the one doing the leg work or otherwise (like we are now) just saying "well it's a shame we won't be seeing you until X date" because eventually it just gets waring. I do empathise completely, it's just people who don't live abroad often don't have the imagination to see how lonely it can be and how very very appreciated it is when someone bothers to organise themselves into visiting! Which reminds me I really ought to book a flight to Germany to see my dear friend!

mynewpassion · 15/04/2015 15:03

I see nothing wrong either. Maybe the timing hasn't worked out. Maybe SIL wants to wait for the summer holiday to bring her DDs to see their newest cousin.

They are happy for you. Hopefully, they are doing otherstuff to show their joh even if they can't physically be there.

Original poster
SuzanneSays · 15/04/2015 15:17

Thank you for your replies. I realise that when you live abroad it means that the onus is on you more to visit etc, but even when we lived in the UK the onus was always on us to visit and never them, I can count on one hand with fingers left over the number of times his family visited us, yet we always made an effort every few months to go an visit them and see the nieces.

I just thought they would be excited to meet DS, and might make the effort rather then expecting us to travel with a little baby. Which coupled with pushing DH to visit them makes me really cross! If I'm honest I feel a bit like his sister is testing him to see who he will put first, her and her girls or me and our son.

OP posts:
Drew64 · 15/04/2015 15:26

I understand why you are stressed over this but my PIL live...maybe 5000 yards away and don't really bother popping round, never did when the kids were little and hasn't changed for 16 years. My parents hardly bother either.
We pretty much resigned ourselves to coping by ourselves at the start when the visiting the newborn grandson wore off.

moomoob · 15/04/2015 15:26

Have you openly invited them to come over to stay or are you just expecting them say they're coming? They might feel unable/uncomfortable to say to you they are going to turn up & stay on.such a date maybe you need to officially say to them you want them to come and there's room for them to stay. If sil has never been she may feel she's intruding or that unsure there's enough space for her and her dc to stay? Also they might not be able to afford to come over with flights transfers possible accommodation if they can't stay with you spending money why they're there etc

Quitelikely · 15/04/2015 15:34

Can they afford it?

Vivacia · 15/04/2015 16:27

Your interpretations may be right, or they may be completely wrong. Either way I don't see any good will come of getting wound up by their choices.

bumblebreed · 15/04/2015 16:33

Given that your MIL has had treatment for cancer, she might just be too knackered to deal with it all. I've seen a few people go through cancer treatment now and all of them have dealt with serious fatigue afterwards sometimes for years afterwards. I think it's one of those things that is not really much discussed when it comes to cancer treatment.

I can't really explain the SIL though.

I hope you find out what is going on.

Original poster
SuzanneSays · 15/04/2015 20:09

THank you. Yes, I think MIL AND SIL are different issues. I agree, MIL is probably more exhausted and possibly more traumatised than she lets on.

SIL Otoh w have told we have room for family to stay, have made explicit requests for visits as well as more general ones ( I,e come over Easter or when suits you, we have a free room waiting), and have offered to pay for flights.

Tbh, if they weren't coming to visit and didn't Exocet DH TO VISIT THEM,I wouldn't feel so cross. I don't get why SIL thinks it's okay to expect DH to visit them when he is a new father, travels with work, is really busy etc. TBF is is something that has come up I. Our marriage before, the fact that SIL just needs to snap her fingers and DH drops everything to help her. I find it frustrating!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 15/04/2015 20:37

I didn't visit my niece when she was a baby. I didn't see her until she was three. My brother and his wife live in a differently country to me. It was partly the cost, but to be honest, I don't find babies all that interesting and I wanted to spend my money and holidays doing other stuff. When my niece got older I found her easier to relate to and a lot more fun to spend time with.

Maybe your SiL is not a baby person?

Joysmum · 15/04/2015 20:41

In my family, the tradition is that the younger visit the older. We've always lived within 2 miles of our parents and we've always visited them (except my mum who's house is foul!).

My parents did the same, always visited their parents.

Siblings have been more give and take though.

Vivacia · 15/04/2015 20:45

So it's a DH problem, not a SiL problem?

DixieNormas · 15/04/2015 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 15/04/2015 21:31

It's his choice who he spends time with and family money on, and it's not her fault that he chooses her.

honeyroar · 15/04/2015 21:40

I think that your MIL has probably been through a heck of a lot, she might not feel up to it.

As for your SIL, she has her family and is probably busy. A new baby won't be as much of a novelty to her. Also, perhaps she just doesn't want to visit that area and use all their holidays on that? I wouldn't want to visit friends in Spain particularly, it just isn't my thing. Perhaps she feels like that about where you live?

Your DH chooses to visit her, that's his choice. Your SIL had been able to ask him to travel as it was more practical as she had family commitments. Now he has to explain to her that he had commitments of his own and can't travel so much.

At least nowadays they can coo over your baby and keep in touch via FaceTime or Skype.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2015 21:40

It's his choice who he spends time with and family money on

Not really...

Vivacia · 15/04/2015 21:41

You think it's the SiL's choice then?

Original poster
SuzanneSays · 15/04/2015 22:05

Hmmm, I agree to appoint that DH should explain that now he has a family he can't drop everything for SIL and her girls, but honeyroar why should I visit a part of the UK I find depressing and grey for my holidays? It just all seems rather one sided and On their terms.

SIL has visited other family in UK who have had babies that are a similar age so she is not anti baby!

I think what really bugs me us she makes excuses as to why she can't visit, but then uses language to guilt DH to visit. Which makes him feel like he has to go.

Thinkng about it, I think its a SIL problem!

OP posts:
Original poster
SuzanneSays · 15/04/2015 22:06

Vivacia- no, it's our family choice how money and free time is spent surely?

OP posts:
honeyroar · 15/04/2015 22:11

You shouldn't visit if you don't like it. You don't sound like you like her much either, or is this just since the birth and her not visiting? What does your DH say about it all? Does he know it annoys you that he visits so much?

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 15/04/2015 22:16

She shouldn't be expecting him to visit, but you shouldn't be expecting them to visit either.

I know it's frowned upon to do the whole 'Yeah, well I've got ' but my pregnancy was treated like a taboo and not spoken about, MIL was totally uninterested and SIL has just completely blanked DD's first birthday, so I understand in law problems, but really it just sounds like unrealistic expectations on both sides here.

Original poster
SuzanneSays · 15/04/2015 22:21

Hneyroar I don't particularly enjoy visiTs there, but wouldn't consider not going as it is important to DH and in the future I want my DS to have a strong bond with his family there. So although it's not my idea of a fun holiday, I will make the best of it and make sure DS enjoys his visits there in the future.

re SIL, I do like her, but (ha ha) think the whole family panders to her a bit as a 'strong' 'Independant' woman, when what I see is someone who expects an awful lot of help and support, particularly from DH(she is married to her children's father by the way).

I've mentioned my reservations to DH in the past but he is very protective.

OP posts:
fluffapuss · 16/04/2015 00:10

Hello Suzanne

Your MIL's priority should be her own health

If MIL & SIL are unable to visit in person, can you keep in touch via phone, email, skype, facebook, letter instead ? Keep the communications open

Suggest keep the invitations open, perhaps they are waiting for the summer to visit ?

Travelling to another country involves alot of time, energy, effort & money

A flight of one hour, still involves travel to & from the airport, plus time within the airport complex - so total time = hours

Do you have any friends that you can invite or local groups that you can join ?

Good luck

Isetan · 16/04/2015 01:27

Ultimately, if you DH doesn't want to change the relationship with his DSis there's not a lot you can do about it but if you feel it's negatively impacting his time with you and his child, then you should have a word. However, how much 'extra' time does visiting SIL take up? Given that MIL is undergoing cancer treatment, it probably is more convenient for your DH to visit them all in one trip. Don't let feelings of your much longed for pfb being slighted, cloud the reality.

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