"we need to talk" line! help. sorry long! :(

[Rebecca1608]

I'm currently almost 29weeks pregnant with twins and me and OH still together but only just. He was far from over the moon when I told him I was pregnant but before this we had a really good relationship. No arguing, plenty of fun, great sex life, all loved up but everything changed when he knew I had twins on the way. He became distant and during this time my father also had a stroke and he told me he wasn't there for me because everything was overwhelming. I also had a couple of scares in my pregnancy too and he said I should keep all my options open but I made it clear I was keeping them.

Some weeks later he finally came round and accepted the pregnancy and told me he loved me but he never really talks about the twins, comes to scans or appointments and it bothered me.

Sometimes we sit in silence at home and it's awkward and I feel hurt I can't really share it with him. I ask his opinion on colours, names and he says it's up to me.
The other night he said we needed a night out together as we never do anything and took me for a lovely meal he said "pretend it's our first date" jokingly. Then I realised I had nothing to say and if I could go back I probably wouldn't be sat there.

Then last night he came to bed much later than me. I was on his side and apparently when he asked me to move up I said "don't worry, I'll be leaving soon anyway" which came out today over breakfast. He asked if I was ok and I said I was probably just talking in my sleep as I don't actually remember saying it he said if anything's up we can talk tonight but I think I'll fall apart.
I loved him and really tried to make it work but I feel there's too much water under the bridge.

So it's you thinking it might be time to call it a day.

Do you think you would still be together if it weren't for the pregnancy? Your comment about the 'first date' and if you could go back you wouldn't be there, is quite telling. Is that because of him as a partner not being right for you, or because of the situation you now find yourself in (pregnant with not keen on fatherhood DP)?

Hormones are all over the place when you are pregnant and so I would take a few days to clarify how you really feel before you talk to him. If you don't see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man, you know what to do.

Yeah I understand my hormones are all over the place but before I fell pregnant our relationship was amazing and I can get baby outfits and colours for nursery aren't overly exciting for him but it's more about the fact that quite big things happened over the last few months and he wasn't there for me. I spent weeks crying and needing someone to talk to and he couldn't be that person as he thought it was too "overwhelming" even though he wasn't really a part of it. I look at him and just think he's not the person I thought he was. we're not really intimate anymore (my fault) as I don't really feel like it and when we are its only because it's been about 2 weeks or so and feel I should.

It looks like he doesn't want to be a father or isn't ready.

Boy oh boy is he going to get a shock when they arrive.

I think he is torn between doing what is right and struggling with his feelings towards the pregnancy.

I (unlike others on MN) do tend to feel sorry for blokes who get caught in this situation (yy I know he shouldn't have sex if he doesn't want babies) and I think that you need to have a very serious talk with him.

Ask him to take a week out of your relationship to decide whether he can be there for you and the twins. Ask him to feel that he wants this.

If he started to feel that he wanted it you would know by his attitude and behaviour.

If his current behaviour continues then you will know he just can't handle it.

The other outcome could be that he falls in love with the twins once they're born.

I think it must have been terrible for you not being able to share the pregnancy with him too.

your resentment is going to simmer away for a long time.

Agree with above, how can you trust him when he can't even be there for you when you need him most, I feel really sorry for you, he's completely opting out of commitment or parenthood, wants to go back to a first date? Get real, he sounds either immature or just a shit man, or both!

I do resent him and the way he acts towards me like all is OK and not talk about the babies. When we're sat together its unconfortable silence and I just sit staring into space thinking about everything but every time he's asked if everything's OK I say yes to save arguments. I just go upstairs or for a shower have a little cry and go and sit with him for an hour. I've spent every penny of my wages on the girls last few months. Clothes, baskets etc no help off him. I do all the chores, shopping and I've worn myself out. Its hard work with my SPD as well. The nursery is needing to be decorated so I'll be painting and he wonders why I never fancy sexy time. I don't even want him to kiss me. I want things to go back to some sort of normal as I can't live like this for the next 50 years, its a lonely one sided relationship.

How long were you together before you got pregnant? And did you get pregnant by accident?

DH went really peculiar with me when I found I was expecting twins. I already had 2 older Dc's and he was fine during those pregnancies but was awful to me when he found out it was twins. I suffered his moodiness and indifference throughout the pregnancy.

When I subsequently asked him about why he was like it he couldn't really explain , but he said he felt that two (extra ) Dcs felt like his life was changing for ever and he felt like he had no control over any of it and the whole thing seemed completely daunting. It also irked him that everyone was congratulating us wildly when he was worried about how we would cope,afford, and care for two more.

I'm not saying that your DP is feeling the same, but I'm assuming your pregnancy wasn't planned, it is hard for men often to get their heads around being a father , without the worry of there being two!

You and the babies are the most important thing for now. Do not make any big decisions for the time being. You probably don't have that long to go and you don't need any more stress than necessary at present.

See how he feels once the babies are here and make any decisions that have to be made once you have got over the birth. Join your local twins club for help and support. Don't include him in the equation for the time being, treat him as the bystander that he has become, but most of all don't let his current attitude stress you out.

He may turn into the most devoted father ever , he may run for the hills but whilst you know and accept that your life is about to change for ever, he can't get his head around it or accept it.

Do not worry about him , just look after the three of you for now.

You would be better off on your own OP, he is not interested in investing in any way in your relationship other than having sex and meals out, what an absolute joke, instead of saying nothing, get angry, tell him you want a partner who is going to be there or else he's best just leaving, he's showing you by his actions what he is made of, not very much.

Ok op well the fact that he is being awful around the house etc is something different.

Honestly don't tolerate his selfish behaviour with regards to money and chores!

Why won't he give you any money towards the twins? What is his excuse? Why won't he help out with the chores?

Believe me if things are this bad now they are going to explode with two babies in the mix.

Why not just ask him to leave for a week or two whilst you sort your head out. You are living in misery, you are not benefiting from this partnership in anyway.

Does he pay his share of the bills? Where does his money go?

Your post really rings bells.

My exH refused to talk about our the baby or the future despite the pregnancy being planned. He hardly came to any of the prenatal appointments and wouldn't do stuff like NCT. I bought all the baby stuff myself out of savings despite the fact that he was earning a large salary (3x what I was earning). He was not present at the birth and got drunk instead of picking us up when we were discharged. After DD arrived, he continued to act as if he was a single 20 yr old (was in fact mid 30s) and resented the fact that she took precedence for my attention. I did leave him during the pregnancy but went back because I thought I wouldn't cope on my own and then wasted another 15 years of my life with him He had very little to do with either DC's upbringing and gave little in the way of practical support in the home. TBH I often felt as if I was a single parent and would probably have been less stressed on my own.

This is a huge red flag and if he is not 100% committed to you and twins, he will just be a further drain on your energy. I would look at your alternatives and try to make plans for being on your own.

I am slightly confused. May have read it wrong ..but you already have. two children with OH ? is this right ? if so are you married ? it makes a slight difference on the advice I would offer .

ignore that !! duh ! that was Rebecca not OP. ..I would wait until you are not pregnant until making any changes. Too many hormones to make rational life changing decisions for 3 people. also, until babies arrive they aren't as 'real' as they are for the person who has them growing inside them...

I did get pregnant by accident I was on the pill and took it every day same time etc I had 2 weeks of antibiotics and we had sex a few times in that time. We'd been together only for 10 months BUT when I did find out I was expecting he was edging more towards a termination. I told him it wasn't an option as I don't believe in it, I wasn't strong enough and I'd be a great mum. I did however, tell him if he couldn't stand by me or it wasn't for him then we shouldn't be together and I wouldn't make him stay and if he wasn't ready for kids in his 30s he never would be (I'm 24) and here he STILL is although I'm not sure why.

He pays his bills fairly but won't do the chores or cooking which I struggle to do some days as im waiting for my physio referral & he knows I can't manage to Hoover so I have to leave it for now. His money goes on his hobbies, music mostly.

I told him my mum will also be at the hospital when I go for my c-section as I think it's best. He's amazing with his nephew though who's just turned one and thought maybe he'd come round and be excited about having his own.

When we were first together he said he had nothing, apart from a job and going out with his mates now and again and I changed his life, made him happy again etc I feel that's changed and I'm just someone who cooks, does chores, pays towards bills, picks his shit up and is carrying his kids.

I just give to much and he keeps taking, I should just tell him really. I know I'll wait until they're here until I make decisions but im sitting night after night being unhappy. Only happy in the day when I've spent days with friends or my mum/ sister/her kids.

I think you need to shock the hell out of him. Tell him to get out. Tell him you are better off alone than being with someone who's behaving like that.

Give him a huge shock and a couple of months of remembering what he gained by being with you.

Can you afford to keep on the house? Would you move back with your parents?

I told him about the benefits I'd receive while I'm off on maternity I said "single parents get it better, maybe I'm better off by myself" I would be receiving SMP and whatever else for the kids until I go back part time. I could not go back to my mum's as my dad has lost patience slightly after his stroke (he nearly lost his life) and my mum, 6 months on is still his main carer when she's not working.

I don't know how or why you are putting up living in this misery.

It is damaging your mental health and your relationship.

The longer you allow him to get away with this behaviour the harder it's going to be to get him to change it.

This is not your hormones playing up at all but it can be the price you pay for going ahead with this pregnancy when he didn't want you to. In that case the best thing was for you and him to part ways because it seems to me like he has punished you every single day for it.

Good luck with it all

Are you paying rent now? If so, whose name is on the tenancy agreement?

Tbh ten months is hardly any time at all to be in a relationship with someone before having children. And while I understand that you were in a good place before you fell pregnant, at ten months you're really only just at the point where things are starting to look serious and you might be talking about a future etc, to then throw twins into the equation would come as a huge shock to anyone. And while you have the choices of whether to keep the babies, terminate the pregnancy etc he has none of those choices, and while he may still love you, he may not have factored children into the equation at that point, and now here they are happening, not one but two, and he's having to deal with it.

Reality is that at ten months you won't have been sure where your future was, whether it was with him or not and vice versa. Now you're pregnant with twins and will be tied to him through the babies for life. That's a lot to take on, some people do it well and others don't, there is actually no right or wrong in this instance IMO.

As for the first date the other week, I suspect he just wants things to go back to where they were, to find you as a couple, and that IMO isn't wrong either.

But you need to decide what you want, and above all else you need to talk about whether you see a future for your relationship.

Very well said wannabe!

10 months, didn't realise it was so short, kinda puts a whole different slant on things!

The tenant agreement is in both our names. I know it was a short amount of time & more fool me for keeping them but our relationship wouldn't have lasted had I of gone through with a termination I wouldn't have forgiven him. I did give him the option to leave if fatherhood wasn't for him but he stayed and has made me miserable every day since.

I think I just need to be on my own and he needs to go for a week or two so I can relax & think about what I want.

I do agree wannabe!

If he's made you miserable every day since, then he needs to do the decent thing and bugger off so that you can get on with your new life.

I know. He's back from work soon anyway so I'll have to have a chat. I'm dreading it.