"we need to talk" line! help. sorry long! :(

[Rebecca1608]

I'm currently almost 29weeks pregnant with twins and me and OH still together but only just. He was far from over the moon when I told him I was pregnant but before this we had a really good relationship. No arguing, plenty of fun, great sex life, all loved up but everything changed when he knew I had twins on the way. He became distant and during this time my father also had a stroke and he told me he wasn't there for me because everything was overwhelming. I also had a couple of scares in my pregnancy too and he said I should keep all my options open but I made it clear I was keeping them.

Some weeks later he finally came round and accepted the pregnancy and told me he loved me but he never really talks about the twins, comes to scans or appointments and it bothered me.

Sometimes we sit in silence at home and it's awkward and I feel hurt I can't really share it with him. I ask his opinion on colours, names and he says it's up to me.
The other night he said we needed a night out together as we never do anything and took me for a lovely meal he said "pretend it's our first date" jokingly. Then I realised I had nothing to say and if I could go back I probably wouldn't be sat there.

Then last night he came to bed much later than me. I was on his side and apparently when he asked me to move up I said "don't worry, I'll be leaving soon anyway" which came out today over breakfast. He asked if I was ok and I said I was probably just talking in my sleep as I don't actually remember saying it he said if anything's up we can talk tonight but I think I'll fall apart.
I loved him and really tried to make it work but I feel there's too much water under the bridge.

Best to be honest Rebecca, it might not be all lost, maybe he needs to see that he might lose you!

He needs to contribute to the baby costs. And make sure he pays more for bills etc When your income is reduced. Not fair for him to still have the same fun money and all yours is gone

Thanks for your replies everyone. Will see how it goes!

Sorry. Huge red flag for me. My ex did this to me. Unplanned pregnancy when engaged. He stopped talking to me and as it turned out was actually back with his ex. Still married me at 7 months pregnant and then really really stepped up the EA. biggest mistake of all was putting him on the birth certificate.

Little update to replies :) after another week of putting up with no help and feeling miserable (and loads more crying) finally plucked up the couraged and had "the chat" i am back at my parents house for a few days. He says he is gutted says he loves me and i'm his best friend. Told him he needs to start treating me like i am then. I'm taking time out at the parents house just to relax and think and he's suggested we start going out on dates and try to get back to where we were. Said he's feeling really gutted i've been feeling so miserable and i need to talk about my feelings more and he's sorry that i've ended up in a position i don't want to be in and he'll make everything ok again. So we'll see??.......

You don't need dates. You need a partner who can step up and share equally in finances, housework, childcare and provide the emotional support you need. I don't think that you have got your message across at all as he appears to have completely misunderstood what he needs to be doing. He obviously isn't going to work this out by himself so I think you are going to need to explain exactly what you need from him.

What Jackw said. It's not about going on dates, it's about him doing his fair share of chores, supporting you, providing financial support (why doesn't he pay for anything?), and ultimately providing childcare and looking after his children. If you are doing everything already OP, what on earth do you think it will be like when the twins arrive? You will be doing everything plus looking after them. He sounds lazy and selfish. He's sorry you've ended up in this position? Well tell him to move his bloody arse and do some housework and stop feeding you lines about being your best friend which mean nothing. He needs to make an effort, don't underestimate how hard it will be when the DC arrive. You need to be a team, and if that's not going to happen then you deserve a happier life without him.

Dates are a waste of your time and energy. What you need is a man who will step up and be a father. A man who takes responsibility, who is interested in his wife and his children.

Why is he not bothered about the environment his children will be living in. Paint colours are not a female preserve; men can be interested in the colour of their child's nursery too. Many many men are.

Most men would pick up the hoover and push it around a bit. It's not a magic piece of equipment which only responds to the touch of a woman.

He's an arse, and will probably make you more and more miserable by not pulling his weight.

Some women are happy to be housekeeper, nursery nurse, chauffer, laundress and all the rest. Some women aren't. Which one are you?

He let you down - repeatedly - when the chips were down. Going on dates won't help with that. You can't trust him to be a partner in life. In which case what's the point?

He does pay towards the bills. It's the emotional support and help with chores i don't get. I'm tired as it is i won't manage to do everything when kids here. I'm happier atm at my parents house. Less stressed and enjoying my pregnancy more. I do agree it's not dates and sweet talking i need i just want him to step up.

You want him to step up, but can he?

You have the experience of living together under your belt, where he showed you that he just can't be bothered to do chores. Even when you're struggling.

You also have the experience under your belt of going through an emotional shock (pregnancy), and him showing you that he isn't capable of providing emotional support when you need it.

Sure, at 10 months in he wasn't completely invested in the relationship yet. It's understandable that the thought of parenthood would throw him for a loop. But it's not the thought of parenthood that renders him incapable of handling a Hoover, and it's not the thought of parenthood that renders him incapable of being solicitous to a girlfriend in need of emotional support. Those bits, are demonstrations of what kind of human being he is, generally.

Is that the kind of human being you want to be in a partnership with?

It's quite telling that you feel less stressed and are enjoying your pregnancy more while you're away from him at your parents. Enjoy that time, btw.

OP, I'm a midwife and have seen this sort of situation many, many times. I cannot say if he will come on board or not but what I can say is that quite often men like this do have a 'moment' when they realise what they are potentially giving up. You sound as if you want this to happen.

I recommend that you write a list of things that you need to happen.too of that list is that he comes with you to every midwife/ doctor appointment and scan. Research shows that men who do this are more engaged fathers. Encourage him to feel that babies moving inside you. Go to some twins events and learn about the psychology and parenting issues and gain practical advice and support from those who have done it themselves.

If you go back you insist that he takes on the housework and helps with cooking and all other chores. This is non negotiable and is for your health. If he refuses then he is careless of your health and isn't worth the effort. You need to actually spell all this out to him in black and white.

You need to also be very clear about needing his emotional support. He didn't want any baby let alone two? Well, duh, neither did you but you are BOTH going to be parents. He has a choice, good parent and partner or shit one...which is it to be?

I offer you hope. Many men I have seen have had that awakening and stepped up. It can work. However, I wouldn't let this drag on. If he's depressed or confused get help. If he's simply being a Tosser he needs to have a good hard think about it all.

Lab it on the line. You are actually in a strong position. Don't compromise. The hints you want are normal, not excessive or needy.

Good luck.

Sorry for typos. Should read 'Top of the list' and 'Lay it on the line'.

Twins are bloody hard work, you can feel 24/7 on your own with a loving partner just through the amount of work they create, however, they are the best thing that has happened to me and have made me a much better person, I would put yourself and your babies first, I struggled to look after myself for the first 3 years, looking back I couldn't have coped with a man-child too. I am sure he is overwhelmed, but you cannot control whats happening either OP and believe me, it will be you who copes and raises your beautiful twins, good luck and congratulations. Twin mums are made of harder steel xx

If you ever want to talk twins PM me, I had a friend who was a twin mum, it really helped! xx

Yeah I do want it to work. I miss not being with him although miserable for the last few months it wasn't always like that we did have fun and i want to try and work it out i just feel drained really and needed a bit of time to think and him to realise what he could lose. I don't know if he'll step up but i know he could be a great father. I would love for him to come to scans but i only have 3 left i've been going fortnightly since 14 weeks and feel he's missed out.
Writing a list is a good idea though. After the weekend i'll try and have a talk again. Thankyou

I actually feel pretty sorry for him.

As far as he was concerned you were on the pill, he wasn't being reckless, having unprotected careless sex with you. It wasn't planned and he has been placed in this situation. And yes you have too, but you have WAY more control than him.

I would be devastated if I were him, he doesn't have any choice in this, you have been together no time at all, and now you are having twins together, tied together forever to a woman he has known for ten months. No wonder he is freaking out. I bloody well would be too!

Actually i was on the pill and i was on anti biotics we had sex a couple of times in that time i'm sure i have mentioned that in my previous post and also it was MY choice to keep them because termination isn't for me. Why should i? I'm at a good age to be a mum. I'm healthy and have always supported myself! If he couldn't or didn't want to be with me or a part of their lives then that was his decision i gave him that option. Why just stay and punish someone though? So i don't think your comment was a fair comment!! He's not stuck with me or US!