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Relationships

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Original poster

Fiance has made it obvious that he wants out

34 replies

BleedFreak · 14/04/2015 21:40

We're in the process of wedding planning which he's been fine with up until it came down to actually laying any money out. Then he went all funny with me and basically last night we had a big row about his reluctance to lay down the deposit we have saved up. At the same time however, he is insisting on securing Glastonbury tickets at the weekend at roughly the same cost. So tonight after work I told him I wanted to talk to him about things. I tried to tell him that I'm sick of him never taking me seriously, always telling me I'm being 'silly' when I voice concerns, kicking off huge arguments every time I dare to voice an opinion. He reacted by telling me if he pissed off with my behavior and is furious with me .... because .... a few nights ago I complained that he had golf on the TV. Talk about clutching at straws. Long story short he basically just kept going off subject and arguining over silly things like the TV and the fact that I once looked at my phone during a conversation with him. It was getting so infuriating I was finding it really difficult to keep my cool with him. He was totally avoiding the real issue completely and kept waffling on about irrelavant shit. In the end I said "I feel like we're getting nowhere" and he replied "yep me too, lets go away and think about it and we'll either came back saying we love each other and want to stay together or that we don't and want to split up."

Split up?! where did that even come from?! we were discussing our wedding plans a few nights ago.

It's starting to fill my head that he wants out but doesn't want to tell me so is engineering arguments to get it to end 'naturally'.

I feel so fucking cheated, led on and hurt. He knows full well I've been excitedly going around telling everyone our wedding plans, he's encouraged that. Yet all of a sudden we have a row and not only does he want to postpone the wedding but he actually wants to split up completely???

OP posts:

woowoo22 · 14/04/2015 21:42

How tiresome. What do you want to do OP? Has he been like this before?

AnyFucker · 14/04/2015 21:44

let the fucker go

you can't trust him to tell you hos real feelings, obviously

no trust, no relationship

kinkyfuckery · 14/04/2015 21:45

Did you post about him yesterday? I remember a thread about a fiancé who didn't want to pay the wedding deposit.

NickiFury · 14/04/2015 21:45

This man needs a sharp shock. I would dump him now and go no contact. It will either frighten the life out of him and focus his mind or he will be clicking his heels for joy. Either way you'll have a straight answer and it will be on YOUR terms.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/04/2015 21:51

Did you post something about this on AIBU, Op? Under a different name?

If so, it did sound as if there was definitely something brewing ... bigger issues than paying the deposit of your wedding.

It also sounded as if he was being really nasty to you.

Jackw · 14/04/2015 21:52

Or this is a threat to make you behave yourself, i.e. don't question him or disagree with him. Either way, not looking good for the long term. Sorry you are having to go through this. Well done for not letting him bamboozle you with all the irrelevant stuff. It sounds like you are streets ahead of him in terms of emotional maturity.

kittensinmydinner · 14/04/2015 21:53

I'm with nickyfury on this... As my dear df used to say..'if a man doesn't love the ground you walk on, fuck him off ! '. If it's real true love he'll do all in his power to change your mind, or he'll be relieved and you won't see him for dust. It's the rest of your life, now is the time for serious brinksmanship

Hassled · 14/04/2015 21:55

I know this hurts like a bastard now, but honestly it's so much better that you work out he's the sort of man who prioritises his wants over yours and is prepared to drag up all sorts of ridiculous shit in an argument before you get married to him rather than afterwards. Take some time apart, as he suggests, and think about whether a future with this sort of man is really what you want.

honeyroar · 14/04/2015 21:56

Listen to your gut feeling. And take it onboard. I went through a similar thing years ago, we were planning a wedding. I should have listened, but didn't. I ended up with a cancelled wedding ten weeks before, just after the invites had gone out, and a lot of humiliation and heartbreak. He ended up having an affair. If I had listened I would have registered we weren't at the marrying stage. It's easy at the stage you're at to tell people you have decided to wait a while, you need to save up more etc. further down the wedding route it is more embarrassing. I think the question now is do you really have a future and are you both wanting the same things.

I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same.

MajesticWhine · 14/04/2015 21:57

He is avoiding the issue because he is immature, uncommitted and yes, possibly trying to find a way out. Sorry.

MiniTheMinx · 14/04/2015 22:00

He doesn't want to get married. Maybe its a temporary case of cold feet, maybe not. I would agree to postponing wedding. No point trying to talk him round, who would want to marry someone they had to beg, or coerce. Far better to duck out now than on the day or worse still, divorce.

I wouldn't end it and stomp off though, that just says "I only want to get married, I don't care if you do and I only want you if you agree to marry me"

Go away for the weekend and talk about it.

BuggersMuddle · 14/04/2015 22:00

It's possible he's just having a wobble.

Having said that I wouldn't lay money on it, so I would be prepared to LTB.

Only you know the subtleties of your relationship and his reaction for your gut feel is probably right, regarding whether it's a wobble of he's really looking for an out.

seaoflove · 14/04/2015 22:01

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2354532-Am-I-being-bridezilla-or-is-DP-being-unreasonable

If this is your thread, then he's an arse and you've had a lucky escape.

Even if he isn't, he still sounds like an arse and you've had a lucky escape.

Starlightbright1 · 14/04/2015 22:06

I also say trust your gut instinct..

Don't book a wedding with someone you think wants to opt out.

It is better now than later but that said if you were planning a marriage it will hurt like hell for now

MajesticWhine · 14/04/2015 22:11

Or was he the one from the thread about the strop about Springwatch (if such a thing is possible?)

WeeMadArthur · 14/04/2015 22:12

Sounds like this is your opportunity to tell him it isn't working out. Make sure you have any of the money you put into the deposit back first though. I ignored lots of warning signs before my first marriage, told myself I was just picking faults because of pre-wedding jitters. Unfortunately we'd put all the deposits down/bought the dress/sent the invites and I didn't want to back out, it didn't last a year before he was shagging one of his colleagues (who came to our wedding).

Not saying that he is having an affair btw, just think he doesn't want to get married and he will probably engineer it so that you get so hurt you call it off and he can walk away blame free.

Only1scoop · 14/04/2015 22:15

Have the space....

If I were you I'd give him lots and lots and lots.

Jackie401 · 14/04/2015 22:17

Could be just a wobble. Albeit a pretty shitty one. Tell him calmly how you feel and issue whatever ultimatum you have decided on. I think an ultimatum Is key. Good luck....I'm sorry he's being such a difficult shit! Urrrrrrrrrrg.

PatriciaHolm · 14/04/2015 22:18

Yep. I would also think he's trying to engineer a way out, in order to be able to say "it was a mutual decision" rather than "I dumped my fiancee". I'm sorry OP.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2015 22:22

FFS don't marry this prick. Are you utterly desperate to marry? If so, is it because all your friends are already married and you don't want to be 'on the shelf'? The shelf is a much better place than in a house with an arsehole man.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/04/2015 22:25

I have no idea if he wants to be with you.

I do know without a shadow of a doubt that he doesn't want to get married right now. People are what they do. Wanting to buy Glastonbury tickets over paying your wedding deposit means I don't want to get married right now.

On a separate note and nothing to do with getting married you appear to be going out with someone who has difficulties expressing emotion and is worse at resolving conflict than a two year old. He also lies, prevaricates and is dismissive of your feelings and tries to be demeaning towards you by mocking your voice.

Cancel the wedding.

Then take a break and decide separately if you have any interest in pursuing a relationship with the emotional equivalent of a goat.

SpanishMoss · 14/04/2015 22:40

He's not even committed to Glastonbury tickets. They were snapped up in 2014.

SpanishMoss · 14/04/2015 22:54

Or he already has tickets. They need photo ID.

Momagain1 · 14/04/2015 22:54

Is he really behaving any differently than he always has? Find it hard to believe he has been a reasonable person until now, able to negotiatiate and plan and compromise, but suddenly now he is shockingly unable to.

Have you just been avoiding disagreements in various ways?

Funnytobe · 14/04/2015 22:59

I reckon if you called his bluff and said we'll call it a day then, he would have the shock of his life.

It does sound though that he is being deliberately obstructive and I think he will continue to be throughout all your preparations. Can you put up with that?

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