Men who are lazy but think they are saints?

[Idontlikemyhusband]

I'm in my early 40s, I had two children in quick succession. They are now 2 and 3.

In September last year I had what could be described as a full on nervous breakdown. It was the result of a decade of laziness on my husbands part. I hit burnout, working full time in the city and looking after two (three) children.

I have not worked since September. I have had various ADs most of which have caused allergic reactions. Effexor makes me manic, Sertaline brings me out in blisters. The list is endless. I've had six months of counselling. I'm diagnosed as Bipolar.

My husband assumes because I'm at home that I should ensure the house is immaculate. He assumed that while I was working too. Which is what led to me breaking down.

Today after a night of very interrupted sleep I decided to take a nap. I took an antihistamine to make me drowsy.

Half an hour after I fell asleep nursery called to say my youngest was ill and could I collect her. I was drowsy from the antihistamine so asked his sister to collect her as I didn't want to risk driving. I could have walked with the buggy but SIL was happy enough to take the little one.

I collected my eldest from nursery later and the youngest from his sisters. Staying there an extra half hour to chat and to give him an opportunity to wind down after work.

When I came home he was obviously annoyed with me. Complained that I hadn't cleaned the house and had 'used' his sister.

I said I didn't want to drive 'just in case' and he said that I need to fix myself up.

He's also called me psychotic and threatened to take the children away because I'm an unfit mother. He is passive aggressive and twists things he's said.

This is all from a 45 year old man who can't even put his own clothes in the washing basket or put his dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. I think I want a divorce but I'm scared I'll lose my children because of my MH issues.

Any advice?

Seek advice from a solicitor. Your husband is a bully

There is vanishingly small chance you would be at risk of your children being removed simply because you're on ADs and diagnosed with depression.

Think about it logically - how many lone parents do you think there are with depression? Do you see SS herding all their kids off to the already-over-strained foster system? No.

The only way I'd say that's a remote possibility is if you have been hospitalised with MH issues and/or suicidal ideation, or if you have been reported to the police for neglect or abuse of your kids. (Spoiler: Asking your SiL to pick up your kid from nursery is not neglect.)

It sounds from what you're saying as if not being around your H would probably improve your MH issues anyway?

Why not speak to CAB and ask about what benefits you'd be entitled to if you left, how you could get housing, etc.

Your H sounds like a selfish, entitled, waste of space. I hope you can make some positive changes

Sorry you're going through this OP. I suspect if you divorced him your MH issues would drastically reduce, who knows they might even completely disappear, i.e. he is the problem and/or part of the problem.

Also think your MH issues may improve if you got rid of him. They may not, but at least you won't be treated as a skivvy in your own house.

It sounds as if you are both struggling.

Has he always been like this or is it since you became ill/stopped work?

He's always been like this. He is bone idle. He helps with the kids but everything has to be done his way.

He has exceptionally high standards but expects others to maintain them for him.

Just as a bit of background, we both work in the city and prior to my pregnancies I was the higher earner.

He just expects me to maintain the same standards while having two small children. He was slamming about in the kitchen tonight when I got home complaining about a stain on the worktop and the fact that I hadn't put the recycling out.

I thought he could have had an extra half hour to unwind. But he said he had to sort things out as I'd been in bed all day

I hadn't, I'd done washing, the dishwasher, tidied up, picked up kids, watered the garden etc, etc

What are his good points?
In 5 years time how do you want it to be?

Next time really do do nothing. Do none of the jobs you've listed here. Then see what he says.

Gosh. What a prize a-hole you've got there.

Can you ask him to leave for a bit so you can evaluate how you feel?

Er my husband didnt put the recycling out yesterday because he was feeling ill.

He remembered today and was cross with himself, but otherwise today was a good day.

Do you know what I said 'never mind, always next week' and then smiled, in a friendly not PA away.

D'you know why? It's because I'm not a twat and stuff like this doesn't actually matter...

You're clearly intelligent (capable of high earning city job)... Underneath everything you know the problem is him not you.

What advice do you want ?

You know what you need to do.

How exactly is he "struggling" *deckswabber"?

Are you on sick leave out of interest or have you left your job?

Either way, you know what you need to do.

Your MH issues will likely vanish once you are rid of this dickhead.

He sounds like hard work. More work for you then.

Honestly. What does he conteibute?

What makes him your boss?

You don't deserve to be treated this way. And I think your depression is an entirely sane and rational response to being horribly bullied in your own home over a number of years.

Bin the vile man and get thee to a solicitor.

Bullies are, by nature, nasty and vicious. He is nasty and controlling and will likely get nastier if you finally stand up to him and end the marriage. Don't let that put you off, and never think you have destroyed the marriage - he is the nightmare in this relationship.

If he suggests separating, take him up on it. Does he ever suggest moving out (probably as a threat during an argument)? It may be he can be subtley convinced that this would be the best course of action.

Re: title of your thread - it's not just that he's lazy, it is that he is an abusive man who thinks he should control you. Not right. And not a 'normal', loving relationship.

My XH was EA and he called me an unfit mother, among other things. Get this, NO-ONE believed him. He won't succeed in taking your children away, and as others will attest, this is one of the most common nasty threats that men like him use.

I was on sick leave but am now using annual leave as I wouldn't be paid.

I need to get back to work but I'm scared that I'll end up sleeping 4 hours a night and losing it again.

He chooses to get up at 5:30am which wakes the kids. He then spends 1.5 hours preening himself before leaving at 7am. This is because he doesn't like to get on the tube when it's busy.

I then spend 2.5 hours keeping the children entertained before nursery.

When working I'd do drop off, rush home, tidy up, put washing on, shower, hair, makeup and work 10-6 and then be expected to take over childcare as soon as I got home at 7pm.

In 5 years I'll be divorced for sure, I'm just scared my current MH issues may make things difficult and I'll lose the children. I have seen a Psychatrist and have admitted suicidal ideation

it's not just that he's lazy, it is that he is an abusive man who thinks he should control you.

This. Sorry OP. I had a breakdown a few years back and if DH had behaved like this it would driven me bananas. LTB.

I am the one who has suggested divorce. He brings this up every time we row and says no matter how badly I behave he has never said he'd leave me.

Yeah, no shit Sherlock coz you are the one with all the benefits.

Knowledge is power. Talk to a solicitor. A really good one. And go through all the possibilities that you are afraid of. That's the only way you'll find out what you can expect.

Yes, you have MH issues, which in my untrained view, is hardly surprising. I think you're doing great just putting one foot in front of the other. If it came to the crunch, I bet you could get a bevy of psychiatrists attesting to the fact that you are a perfectly good mother, given the right level of support and without an abusive tyrant for a husband.

He's a tyrant. You live in fear. A secret appointment with a lawyer - recommendation, or a few half-hour appointments till you find one you like (and one that can be really tough with abusive and hostile husbands) - would be a great thing for you I think. You are likely to cry buckets when you get there, but it may well be a breakthrough when you realise that you have more than enough reason to divorce this man.

I can't say firmly enough how obnoxious he sounds. I really feel for you OP. My children were similar age when I split up from EA H. It was a really horrific prospect, and I was terrified I would not be able to cope on my own. The truth was that life was so much better, and I had been so ground down I believed his crap that I was a rubbish mum. Turned out that life was much better as soon as he left. Yes, I was pretty shell-shocked, but I coped much better than I expected. And I had lots of RL support. Hope you have supportive friends and family. I am sure they will come running if you confide in them.

I have had similar problems in recent times. Trying/feeling I had to do too much. MH problems were/are also the result. DH was the one who tried to make it better, not worse. Yours should be doing the same.

Sounds like my life at the moment as the only thing keeping me here is my dc.so I have no advice but wanted to say your not alone. And when I read the replies you have had it makes me realise it isn't me it is him,but he always pushes it over and says it's my fault and I then spend most my day feeling guilty about something.
What is your h like as a father to your dc ?

The advice OP is to get a divorce

Sounds like my exh, expected me to cook, clean, sort childcare whether I was on mat leave or doing my full time postgrad.

These men are bullies, controlling freaks. My ex still keeps it up but I'm able to laugh at him now.

I was on ADs but now weaning off them suprise suprise!! I have an amazing partner who is actually making me realise and understand how proper relationships work.

Both me and the dcs are happier now he's not here, plus I'm financially better off as he used to make me pay half for everything despite earning double my wage. The rest he would spend on his hobbies

Don't waste time, just ditch this loser

Hilariously my ex told me when he left that id soon realise all the jobs he did do 'behind the scenes'. 2 years on I'm still waiting for that

Oh yes these men make us feel terribly guilty too, it's all our fault, never them.
They portray themselves as father of the year when really they only want to do things that make them look good.

CUNTS all of them

When I read the replies it makes me realise just what I'm living with.
Op do have have support from family,as I have none? And I'm just stuck as I could not get my head around handing my children over to him,my 4 year old dd would be heart broken as I can't go to the shop to grab milk without her,he also says that's my fault but now I'm realising,no it's your fault as you have never done anything so why would they want you.
Op what are you going to do as you have little ones too??
I get really upset woundering why he wouldn't want to bath his dc or play with them!!!!! Yet he will go out of his way for work and couldn't do more for his boss .........